It's Been Two Months Since I Lost My Mom . I'm Heartbroken

[Sweetpe1]

Hello everyone

My mother has passed away on April 22, 2015. I am having a very hard time accepting that she's gone and will never come back.

My mother was diagnosed with Oral Cancer in March 2014. It was just a month past the year mark that she was diagnosed. It was truly a hard battle and I was with her every step of the way. My mother had two surgeries and also many Chemo and Radiation treatments. We were sure to win the battle. There was no giving up until the bitter end.

My mother was 70 years old but in very good health otherwise . She was beautiful and full of life. She was still employed and actually had more energy than me I must say, This past year has totally taken myself and family by surprise. Never in a million years would I ever think my mother would be gone.

Depression is taking over me as the days go by. I cant sleep at all. I was the main care giver to my mother. Every doctor appt. and treatments It was me with her . Up until the very last minute I was rite by her side, I guess that's why I am so deep in thought about the what if I would have done this and I should have done that. I just cant get her picture out of my head. I visualize her last weeks in my mind. I know some people say try to think of happy times but as of now I just cant. I cry constantly to my self. My husband has been trying to console me but its not helping much.

Anger is starting to kick in also. I just want to scream to the sky Jesus I want my mother back. It wasn't her time to go, I am getting very bitter and in my mind refuse to accept that my mother is gone.

Thanks for listening

Heidi

[jame57]

So sorry for your loss Heidi. Others will be along to give you better advice than I ever could but I'll just say your loss is so very new and raw and everything you describe are classic grief symptoms. Take things one day at a time or even one hour at a time. Never worry about crying.....it's good that you're doing it as it releases your emotions. It certainly sounds as though you did so much for your mum and are a wonderful loving daughter. It's good you've got a supportive husband. Take care and know you're among friends here.

[MartyT]

Heidi, my dear, I am so sorry to learn of the death of your mother, despite all your efforts to care for her and to save her from the horrid disease that took her life too soon. Such an experience can plunge you into darkness, leaving you feeling defeated, helpless, exhausted and hopeless. There is nothing we can say to take away the pain you are feeling now, but we're certainly willing to be with you in your sorrow. I hope it helps to know that the thoughts and feelings you're describing are not at all unusual, given the significance of your loss. This is why I encourage you to do some reading about what is normal ~ and therefore to be expected ~ in grief. I hope you will take some time to read through some of the other threads in this forum, as doing so can help you to feel less "crazy," isolated and alone. I also hope you'll follow some of the links I suggest below.

You say that depression is taking over you, but it's important to know that the sorrow in grief is not the same as clinical depression (see, for example, Are We Medicating Normal Grief? )

What is more, the sleeplessness you're experiencing can affect your mood dramatically as well (see Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in Grief).

If you're like most devoted daughters cast in the role of primary caregiver, you've probably neglected your own health care needs because up to now, all your attention has been focused on caring for your mother. But now is the time to turn that focus back onto you. That means making sure you're taking good care of yourself ~ by paying attention to your physical needs for nutrition, hydration, rest and exercise (see Physical Reactions to Loss) as well as getting the emotional support you need and deserve (see Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You).

You're at the beginning of a long and challenging journey, my dear ~ but you've found your way to a warm and caring place, and here you are surrounded by kindred spirits. We're all walking the same road that you are on, and we're more than willing to walk with you. ♥

[Sweetwater]

Hello Heide,

I am so sorry for your loss... my heart aches for you. I year ago, this month, I lost my Mom, and it literally killed me. I read some fabulous books, one i'd like to recommend was: Healing Your Grieving Heart by Alan Wolffelt (I read it twice to not miss anything) & My Gift of Light by Sandy Wiltshire.

My pain was insurmountable... I couldn't believe life without my best friend, my Mom, my lifeline... what to do know? I was so lost. I did not have my husband's support, he sort of left me out to hang... thank goodness I have a daughter. Reading the first book helped alot.. it validated my pain and gave me ideas of what I could do.

Two weeks ago, I left Arizona for Canada to mark Mom's 1 year anniversary of her passing, and spent 1 week in Montreal and a visited the cemetery every day, then the 2nd week in Toronto, where I was able to visit a Tree I had planted for her & Dad, last year. A beautiful tree, overlooking the water... anyway... my point is that by the time I reached the tree, I sat under it, wrote in my book, talked to them, then went for a walk. On my return from that walk, I thought that this was my time, my opportunity, to release the pain.. ALL my pain... and I gathered a few tiny flowers, a dime I had put in my wallet from 1 year ago that I found (it was in a little tiny zip lock bag), my picture from my business card, and I had my own little ceremony.... I blew out my pain and asked Mom and Dad to take it from me... to help me... then I buried the little plastic envelope beneath the tree.

It was amazing, Heide,... I then few back to Arizona, and I feel better. I can now look at Mom's picture without breaking down...

I share this, not because it'll be your answer, but to let you now that you too will find a way... you MUST grieve, or you won't over come this.. and don't cheat yourself with time... time is on your side.... allow yourself to feel the pain, to realize that the memories are there and that they will always be there and that Mom lives on and is right there with you.

I have messages and signs around me, knowing my Mom is around - it took a while.. but I love it .. I recognize my message and I am proud of her and no longer angry that she's gone, that she had to leave... I don't get it, I don't understand it and I don't like it, but I can't change it.

Read the first book and do something special for your Mom, in her honor... something that later on you'l be happy you did. Another think I did, here in Arizona, was that I purchased a 'butterfly' at Butterfly World, as they offered a max of 250 Butterflies to hang from the ceiling to commemorate, in memoriam, someone special. It's a large wooden butterfly hanging from the ceiling, with my Mom's name on it and a saying we shared 'Longer than a Lifetime'...

Now, a year later, I feel stronger, and I proudly have honored Mom with the cemetery in Montreal, the Tree in Toronto and my butterfly in Phoenix. My psychologist validated that in life, apart from the loss of what we never never never should speak of or a parent live through, that the most painful loss is that of a Mother. How my own Mom survived the loss of her Mother, as she was an only child, I'll never know, but she did... and today, I must survive the loss of my Mother, and you yours... You will in time, I promise you, but do take the time and honor her with your love, and all her memories, because there is only 1 Mom, and there is nothing in life more precious.

ALso, just last week, at my 1 year mark, I joined a grief group at my church. I wish I had done so earlier. It was wonderful to be in a room with others who had a loss and who understand, know and feel the exact same pain as I feel. Please try to join a group if you can.

I am so sorry. I attached my tree and butterfly pics for you to see. Big Hugs to you.

[Sweetpe1]

Thanks Marty , James and Sweetwater

For your responses

It truly helps to talk to people who are experiencing the same grief .. I will get me a book to read Marty thanks for the help with that. I think it may take my mind off of things. I visited my mothers grave sight today and stayed there talking to her for about two hours. For some reason I just feel so guilty . I feel like we should have moved on to different doctors even though we did get several opinions. I feel like there had to be a doctor somewhere who could've save her life. Everybody keeps telling me I did the best I could do. I even drove 7 hours away to MD Anderson who is suppose to be one of the best.

I do have two sisters but they don't live close by. I am the one going through my mothers house and having to go through all her things. This is extremely hard to do. I guess when its all over with and we put her house for sale it will be the end. My mom passed away in her home and When I walk into my moms house I feel her presences .

This is so painful .

Thank you so much

Heidi

[MartyT]

Heidi, my dear, I know that going through all your mother's things is very hard to do ~ it can feel almost as if you're losing parts of her all over again. Our members once shared their thoughts about this challenging task, and you may find some of their suggestions helpful: Tips On Sorting A Loved One's Personal Belongings ♥

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, I also lost my mom last August. It continues to hit. I have accepted that we did the best we could with a hard situation and with the knowledge and resources we had. But I think we always wish we could have done more, that is common to feel.

[Sweetpe1]

Thank you Marty for the Tips I will surely read them. You've been a big help

Thank You also KayC for your response. I very sorry for the loss of your mother also. Time just seems to fly by. Its already been a year since your mother has passed. Can I ask you does the heartbreak get any better. I just feel so sad . Some days I don't even care if I get dressed. I'm not a person to medicate my myself . I have always tried to deal with my feelings on my own. But I find myself up all night thinking and wondering if my moms ok in heaven. I'm still worrying about her wellbeing . Am I crazy or losing my mind. While my mother was battling the cancer I was always doing research on cures , side affects on treatments ,and so much more. The problem is I'm still researching and reading about Oral Cancer and how this type of cancer can take a persons life. I feel like my mother is still here and I'm continuing the battle. I feel like I need to help her . I'm having a hard time realizing that my moms gone and never coming back. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometime. I know this must sound kind of crazy but this is what's happening . I guess in time the days and nights will get better.

Thanks you for your help during this difficult time

Heidi

[jame57]

Hello Heidi,

You're not going crazy. If you were then this forum is full of crazy people. When I got up today I was crying so much and so wishing mum was here that it felt like I was going mad. Reading your posts reassured me I'm not going insane. I'm one of those people who need reassurance and I'm beginning to develop it internally with my inner voice but every so often I have to reach out as I just can't process it. As for your guilt, it seems it's one thing we all experience to some degree and it takes a while to think it through and it's unfounded guilt. You cared for your dear mother which is a wonderful loving thing to do. It's hard work and you must tell yourself your mum is so very grateful. I truly hope our loved ones are watching over us. It's something I gain comfort from, after all, so much love and care in a lifetime can't just be lost can it. I'm at the one year mark and still in pieces but we're all different and so is our grief. Grief is the price we pay for love and given a lifetime of love that's a fair price.

I too worry that my mum is ok in heaven and would love a sign or see her in a dream. A friend of mine was visited in a dream by her mum to say she was ok.....I'd love that to happen to me. Do please keep posting, you've already helped me but that's the great thing about this forum, we're all helping one another.

[Sweetpe1]

Hi James57

Today is another day of grief. The weather is bad so I decided not to visit my mom at the cemetery today.

You mentioned a friend seeing there mother in a dream . I to wish I would see my mother in a dream also. I'd really like to know if she's ok and happy. A friend of mine told me when her mother passed she was in such grief that she went to see a Medium . She found peace in what this person told her. I may be considering going to talk to one. I've never really believed in fortune tellers though.

I still have lots of my mothers belongings to go through. Every time I take some things from her home I feel so guilty. I feel like I'm taking something that I shouldn't . Her Jewelry and her cloths and other house hold items. I just feel like this is my mothers not mine. Really I have to realize my mother is never coming back and in the back of my mind I don't want to accept that.

Maybe in time I will feel better

Heidi

[kayc]

Heidi,

My mom was 92 and had full blown dementia but we didn't know when she'd die so it all wound down rather quickly. I don't think you're ever really prepared for it even if you're aware ahead of time.

It still hits me, things will trigger it, I imagine it always will. I will always miss her. I can't say how long it takes to adjust as it's different for everyone and an ongoing process.

[Sweetpe1]

Hi KayC

I know the feeling about never being ready to lose your mom . My mother was 70 when she passed but she still seemed so young and her overall health was perfect. Even though towards the end I could see she was losing the battle I still didn't want to believe she was going to leave me. I actually still have this feeling when I walk in her home that she is still in her bed. I smell her when I walk through the door of her home. Its actually a good feeling,

Its really sad how my mother passed away. I all began with my mother feeling what she thought was an ear infection. She went to several doctors and was prescribed antibiotics but the ear pain did not go away. She then went to see a ENT "ear,nose & throat " specialist. As he had her open her mouth to examine he immediately seen a spot in the rear of her jaw. He was quit open with her and said it looks like cancer and a biopsy is needed now. Of course it came back positive and she was referred to Head and Neck Oncologist. Another biopsy was taken and it was also positive. The Oncologist said surgery could be done to remove the cancer. It would require removing half her lower jaw. It was a rough surgery but my mom recovered fairly quick with hopes to return to work. The oncologist said even though she had this surgery she still had to do so many radiation treatments to assure no recurrence .

Three months later a CT scan was taken and the results were the cancer was back. In my opinion the Oncologist just didn't get it all out during surgery. A MRI was ordered to confirm and not only was a recurrence there but cancer was also all in the cheek of her face and had spread to her neck. Another surgery was done to see just how bad it was and if any chance it could be removed but it was to much spread . With the cancer being in her neck it had wrapped around her Carotid Artery. This became the danger zone. It was just to risky to go back in and try to remove the cancer off her Artery. We even drove 7 hours to MD Anderson where specialist could try to help her but there were just to many cancer cells all over to even consider trying. The only thing offered was Chemo treatments which made my mother very sick . We were told the Chemo would not cure the cancer but it may prolong her life so we had to keep trying and hope for a miracle .

As the days went by my mother was really going down hill. She couldn't even eat since her first surgery. She had to get a feeding tube put in her stomach . My mother was back and forth in and out of the hospital as her pain level was unbearable. .I was really getting nervous as I watched her slowly lose her strength to even walk anymore.

The doctors had warned me and my sisters that this cancer on her Carotid Artery was getting worse and could rupture at anytime. It would take her life within minutes if that were to happen. On April 22,2015 the unthinkable happened and it took my mothers life. The last couple weeks of my mothers life my two sisters finally started helping me with caring for my mother. We rotated shifts 24 hours. When my mother passed my sister happened to be with her. I was due to take over in about an hour when I got the phone call . Of course I rushed over there as I only live ten minutes away. Seeing my mother laying on the floor in her bedroom was so devastating . I hate to say this but I'm glad it wasn't me there when this happened. I don't think I would ever be the same person. I do feel so sad for my sister . I know she is also grieving very bad.

This has been like a horrible nightmare to my family. We miss her oh so much. It just doesn't seem real.

I felt the need to share this devastating past year of losing my mother

Thanks for listening

Heidi

[jame57]

Hello Heidi,

That's truly heartbreaking to read. Your mum's passing is so unfair but your love and devotion for her shines through. I believe our loved ones are always with us and your mum would want you to know she loves you. May her gentle soul rest in peace.

Please take care.

[MartyT]

Heidi, my dear, your description of your mother's illness and death is horrifying, and I can only imagine how awful this must have been for all of you. I don't know if hospice was involved in your mother's care, but I hope for your sake you will consider seeking some sort of bereavement counseling to support you as you work your way through this traumatic loss. I am so sorry

[kayc]

Heidi,

This had to be a horrible experience. With my mom, it was dementia. We don't know when it started because my mom was always in bad shape mentally, so it's hard knowing...her thought processes and responses never were normal. We were worried about her living alone but knew we couldn't take her in because we were afraid she would purposely burn our houses down or kill our dogs, she was that bad mentally. We had to take her to court to get them to order a medical evaluation (it took a year, legal processes are slow) as she would not cooperate with anything. When they did the medical evaluation they said she needed 24/7 lock down. Unfortunately, there were no openings and assisted living wouldn't take her because of the liability. Finally we got her into a dementia care facility. She'd lived in the same home that her and my dad had built for 59 years so I was worried about her adjustment. She actually did pretty well, the first couple of weeks she stayed in bed until I told them to get her up and dressed and bring her out where she could mingle. Then she did great the first year. But her dementia caused falls and when she could no longer walk, she became more despondent. She had another ten months to tough out, she wouldn't eat, she was down to nothing. I had to order them to give her Ensure as they'd put food in front of her that they knew they'd throw away. Even so they said they didn't cover it so we had to bring it in. Bureaucracy amazes me sometimes!

In all, I'd have to say there were some special times/bonds during all of this and I'm glad I went through it with her. While it was hard leaving after visits, I also knew she was where she needed to be, as she needed two people to handle her due to the falls and around the clock watchful care...I don't have a husband to help me and knew it was not possible to do alone. We do have to sleep.

I'm glad your mom had all of you with her and at least you can have no regrets that you gave her the best care you could and were there for her. I'm sorry your sister had to witness that. When my husband passed away, I saw his heart attack, but they made me leave before it was over so although I didn't witness his passing, I did see the trauma he went through...it does haunt you.

You are still pretty new in your grief, it does take a while to process and work through, and I hope, like Marty suggested, that you'll get some counseling to help you through this. Sometimes they'll do on a sliding scale and sometimes insurance will pay for some of it.

It's good that you came here and expressed yourself, it's validating of your experience and feelings, and it helps to not have it bottled up. I hope you'll continue to come here as your go through your grief journey.

[Sweetpe1]

Thank You all for your response

I think I will check into some counseling . Its been such a hard road this past year. Its so hard to carry on without my mom. She was always in my daily life and now she's gone. I am 51 years old and I do have my own family. My children are grown and I have some beautiful grand children to enjoy. My husband has offered to take me away for a few days . I think I will take him up on that offer.

KayC It sounds like you have really had your share of sad times also. I'm so sorry your mother was so sick. A Mental illness is really sad to live with. Also your husband having a heart attack must have been awful . I hope you have found peace will the loss of your loved ones and I hope to find peace one day to.

Its been a help just to express my feelings here on this forum.

Thank You

Heidi

[enna]

Dear Heidi,

Of course, you are missing your mom. I think we will always miss our parents no matter how long it has been. I still miss my beautiful, quiet mother and it has been decades since she died. She raised five of us and I don't recall that she ever raised her voice. She taught us to look out for each other and when she lost her battle with metastatic cancer I was heart broken.

You will gain strength from what she has taught you. I believe that our mothers are always watching over us.

Hugs to you.

Anne

[kayc]

Losing our mother is like losing part of our identity. Our mother always knew us, from before we were born. No matter what we did, they loved us anyway. I remember when my daughter was a little girl and going through something and I assured her I would always love her. She exclaimed, like that didn't count, because I "had to", I was her mother. It's true, in a way, not to discount it, but to treasure it. We learn that death does not end that love relationship, but rather how we communicate changes.

[Sweetpe1]

Its nice chatting with you all.

Enne you say your mother taught you to all look after each other. When my mother passed away there was a box in her closet with all her important papers. In this box was a note to her three daughters . In part of her note she asked that we would always be there for each other . There is nothing like the love a mother has for her children and a special love her children has for her.

KayC you are so rite wen you say losing your mother is like losing your identity. That's how I feel in a way. It make you feel like you lost a part of yourself. Its such a sad feeling. I understand loving your child no matter how many writes and wrongs pass through there lives . Its unconditional .

Thanks Marty for the links . I started reading them and they are big help.

Jame57 I hope you a feeling ok and you find peace also. Thank you for your replies.

God Bless

Heidi

[kayc]

Heidi,

We are here with you. I know it's an ongoing process, it doesn't know an end, but we do grow more accustomed to it eventually, although I think there will always be times it hits us (like their birthday, Mother's Day, etc.)

[Sweetpe1]

Well today was just a horrible day.

Crying all day off and on. Every time I try to talk about my feelings with anyone the tears just roll down my face. I cant even express my feelings to anyone not even my poor husband who is trying so hard listen and help me.

I visited my doctor today for my own personal health issues and He asked how I was doing after the loss of my mother . This doctor knew about my mothers battle because I am a Diabetic and I visited my doctor through out the year explained what my mom was going through. As my doctor asked how I was doing I just burst into a terrible crying spell. I explained I'm not coping well at all. I mentioned in a earlier post that I try to cope with any stress and depression on my own without medication. But after today and my doctor seeing how sick I am over this he wanted to prescribe me a anti depressant . We went back and forth about it and I while crying in his office I finally agreed to take the prescription. I told the doctor at least I would have them on hand if I felt the need to take it.

Has any of you had to take Anti Depressants before ? If so did it help ? I'm really not doing well mentally . The depression has my head feeling so heavy like its just filled with so many thoughts. Then I just choose to go to sleep on and off all day. So I'm thinking about trying this medication just to see if it could possible help me. I've never herd of this medication but its called Venlafaxine. I plan to google it to see what the side affects are.

I really hope the days start to get easier.

Heidi

[feralfae]

Heidi,

I am so sorry you are having these days of acute grief. I don't know anything about prescription antidepressants, other than I know a couple of people who take them. But I think other people here may have knowledge about antidepressants.

Dear, have you seen a grief counselor, or is that what you are now pursuing? I hope you can find someone, and others here may have some suggestions. I know Marty has an online study guide and course and I think you can find the link to it in her profile. Meditation usually helps as well. I am so glad you have a supportive husband there with you to help you through this very painful time. It really is three steps forward and two steps back on this grief journey. And we often describe the emotional ups and downs as being on an emotional roller coaster. It does get easier, and the grief does get softer. It just takes as long as you need it to take, and that is different for each of us.

I hope you can find some counseling. Take very good care of yourself, and let others help you, too. I am sending prayers for Peace for your Heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Hi Heidi,

Oh, I so agree with fae about the grief counseling. When we are grieving it is not a sickness. It is grief. Talking and crying are perfectly normal in grief. Only you and your doctor know if medication is needed but all too often the quick fix is to give us pills.

Most of us have found that to have an understanding person who can listen and who is not afraid of our tears helps us to not be concerned that we are crying.

A good grief counselor can take you step by step through what you are feeling at the time. I have found that there is usually a reason why we cry and when it is about a death of a loved one we have to know that we are sad and crying is a way to release some of the sadness.

Later, when your grief is not so fresh you will be able to talk about some of the good memories. When my own mother died a few of us siblings got together and made a banner filled with "Things Mom used to say" and then we'd share some of the circumstances around that particular phrase. It brought laughter and still does when I find myself saying some of the same things to my daughter and grandchildren.

Being very gentle with yourself and accepting that your feelings are normal will help you.

We are here and we are not afraid of pain. We have all been through loss and we know that it helps to share our grief with one another.

Sending hugs. Anne

[kayc]

Personally I think I'd hold off on the antidepressants. Sometimes doctors, in their haste to "fix" us, are zealous to prescribe antidepressants when perhaps they are not needed. Doctors are not trained grief counselors and oftentimes do not understand about loss/grief and what is normal response in it. Grief often mimics depression but it's normal and situational rather than something wrong in our brain. I would see a grief counselor who can guide you to understand what you are feeling and how to cope with the loss.

In addition, I hope you will continue to come here and voice yourself, I think it helps to be heard and understood by others who've "been there".

I'm not a doctor, but I do know grief and I've been there. My doctor offered me antidepressants at first and I declined. I told him antidepressants aren't going to change my circumstances, I still need to figure out how to live without my husband. And now I've since lost pets and my mom too. Loss is part of the cycle of life. I think we tend to view it as something abhorrently wrong, when in reality, all of us lose people we dearly love in our lifetime and we ourselves will also die someday...it's a natural part of the process. It would be good if our culture could understand and teach us a better way to view and cope with it, but people treat it as if it's a contagious disease. My friends even disappeared on me when my husband died! Who does that! Apparently a lot of people. It's "not comfortable" to be around grievers. That is not how society should view it! Society should recognize it's not contagious, it's part of the cycle of life, and they should support us in our grief and understand it's not something we can "get over", but rather something we learn to incorporate into our lives, thus forming our new normal.

I hope you're taking care of yourself, eating, drinking water, avoiding alcohol, taking regular walks, all of this helps us feel our optimum and enhances our best chances for adjusting healthily. As Anne said, be gentle with yourself, patient and understanding, as you would to a best friend.

[MartyT]

Heidi, my dear, I know that I've already referred you to some articles that discuss the difference between depression and the sorrow of grief, and I don't mean to second-guess your physician's judgment in treating you ~ but I also know that Venlafaxine (Effexor) is usually prescribed for major depression, and it seems to me that what you are describing is a normal reaction to the death of your mother, which was preceded by a year of caregiving and fighting to save her from a horrible, disfiguring disease. This had to be quite traumatic as well as exhausting and disheartening for you, so we can only imagine how worn down, depleted and discouraged you are now. Whether you decide to try an antidepressant or not, I hope you will consider being evaluated by a qualified grief counselor to see if that can give you the individual, face-to-face understanding and support you so desperately need and deserve.

I want to encourage you to read these two articles in particular:

Seeing A Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter?

Using Medication to Manage Grief

Meanwhile, please know that care, and we are here to listen (albeit electronically) whenever you feel a need to share whatever is on your mind.