It's Been Two Months Since I Lost My Mom . I'm Heartbroken

[kayc]

Heidi,

I'm sorry you're going through it.  How neat that you have a recording of your mom!  My mom was challenging, to say the least, and when she'd call it was usually pretty trying, so none of us recorded her.  In the last couple of years, with her dementia, she softened, enough to endear her to us, so definitely it changed things.  It is so hard to watch them grow frail, begin to take falls, lose their life as they knew it.  For my mom, she needed to go when she did, she was tiring of it all and it was taking its toll on her.  Still, no matter when it happens, the finality sinks in and it's hard for us who are left behind.

 

May your tears bring healing with them

[Sweetpe1]

KayC

I'm so sorry your mother suffered with Dementia. It is so sad to watched your mother battle a illness like this. As much as we want them with us longer it comes a time where god says enough is enough. My mother was going down hill about two weeks before she passed. I knew something bad was happening. I think the cancer was spreading quickly. The doctors didn't take another scan before she passed but I believe the cancer had spread to her brain. Just the symptoms that were happening lead me to believe this.

I sit here and think about how it all started with a spot in the rear of her jaw. Then her ear started to hurt like an earache . It just didn't seem so serious as it turned out to be. I brought her to see a Oncologist  who specialized with head and neck cancer and he said it was stage 4 already but was confident he could remove it all. After surgery my mom seem to be doing ok . She recovered well. But the ear pain came back and we knew something wasn't rite. After another surgery and a lot of chemo all the cancer did was spread. It all happened in just a year. My mom seemed more healthier than me actually. I have diabetes and a lot of other health issues. I sit here in disbelief that my mom is gone from something that didn't seem to serious. 

I hope you are doing well KayC  and thanks for listening 

Heidi

 

[kayc]

Heidi,

My mom always seemed in better health than me too.  She never struggled with her weight, she lived a disciplined life with eating and exercise.  She really did well physically until the dementia progressed.  We aren't sure when it started because her mental illness masked the symptoms until it was far progressed.  I do know that the last year she lived alone she shouldn't have been.  We couldn't take her in because of fear she'd kill our pets or burn the house down...on purpose...she was that mentally ill.  Plus I have no relief person to spell me and they said she needed 24/7 lockdown, so an assisted living place wouldn't take her.  We were so worried and stressed that year!  We had to take her to court to force her to get a medical evaluation and to get conservator-ship over her so she could be put in a dementia care facility...and then we had to wait for months for an opening!  We were so relieved when she was placed there, but also worried about how it'd affect her.  She did well there, amazingly.  I did have to stay on top of them and keep an eye out to make sure she was being taken care of properly.  But like your mom, it was time when she finally went, she was more than ready to be done.  I remember kissing her on her forehead the last time I saw her.  I have many special memories with her throughout that time.

Wishing you well as you adjust to this.

[Sweetpe1]

KayC

I know it must have been hard to place your mother in a dementia facility but i'm sure it was for the best. It would have been a struggle to care for her 24 hours a day. Me and my two sisters were rotating 24 hours that last week before my mothers passing. The doctors did recommend a hospice care facility but my mom refuse to go. It was a struggle just for that week. There was no way we could continue for much longer. Every time we mentioned hospice my mom would say "but that's for dieing people and i'm not dieing". We would feel so guilty because we could tell she was't going to make it . She ended up passing away at home . I just feel so guilty about that but there was nothing I could do . If I would have brought her to the hospital they would have transfer her to hospice and I knew she didn't want to go there . 

It's just a sad situation . She was in a  lot of pain at the last week so it does give me peace that she is no longer suffering. 

We will always have grief over losing our mother . Someone told me the other day that Life Must Go On . 

I will carry her memory forever. 

Heidi

[kayc]

My mom wanted to stay in her home but she just couldn't.  She wouldn't even let me pay her bills and she let the insurance lapse, it was a struggle to get it reinstated.  She'd give away 1/2 her income and then not have heat and she'd call 911 and they'd call one of us on our way out the door to work.  We were paying $450 to keep heat in her house and we could ill afford it.  She'd call the insurance company instead of the bank and vice versa.  She was stepping out in the middle of heavy traffic.  I went to her place once and she came outside in her shirt...no pants.  I asked her where her pants were and she looked down and said, "I don't know, I went to the store a few minutes ago, I THINK I had them on!"  She had a mouse in the house and I said I'd get some D-Con and she said, "No, I can't have that in the house" and I asked why not and she said, "Because I might eat it!"  That shows she knew she couldn't trust her brain to work right and yet still she wouldn't let us help her.

I've never felt bad that we placed her in a dementia care facility, she needed to be there a year sooner, but I did worry about her and her feelings.  I didn't want her to feel abandoned or scared.  It's like dealing with a little child.  I was amazed at how quickly she adjusted though, she seemed to thrive, as much as anyone can with this disease, because she was around people and being well cared for instead of isolated and alone and a detriment to herself.

All that we went through with our moms in those last days was both hard and special in a way, they were their last moments here.  But the fact remains, no matter what we went through, we miss them, and we'd do anything we could for them all over again if we could just have them back.  I still miss my mom, even though she was mentally ill her entire life.  She's the only mom I ever had, although my mother in law was a close second mom.

[CleoB]

Heidi and all,

I wanted to weigh in on this discussion, having lost my mom in February. Heidi-- I so empathize with your pain. I have gone to a grief counselor now for a few months, and have done a lot of talking and writing, and in some ways I have processed a lot, which is good. But in other ways, when I really look at it, I am no further along. People tell me it is early still, that it takes time. The pain is unbearable. I have taken a few trips out of town, and while it is no easier when I'm not home, it is harder coming back home. Thinking of what you shared, Heidi: I did clear my mother's house out before she died, because we thought she would need that money for her care. My mom had a stroke almost a year ago, the end of August 2014, and died six months later, after rehab facilities, standing up and falling down and the ER, board and cares, assisted living, a nursing home finally. Prior to this, she had been completely independent since my father's death 15 years earlier-- independent and mentally and physically active. I did the whole care thing pretty much on my own, with a little help from my brother and almost no help from my husband. I feel alone with my grief. I tried one support group, but it was not run well. I am signed up to try another in September and am hopeful there. But I restart teaching next week (I gave up my classes in February when we put my mom on hospice, so haven't taught since then.) I am afraid of taking this work on because I am having a hard time functioning. I choose to see this grief not as an emotional roller coaster, but rather like the tide, something more gentle, but still, it ravages me. I am comforted to know I am not alone and that you are dealing with it also. Almost six months since her death and I feel like I'm losing her every day I get further from the day she died.

Cleo

[kayc]

Cleo,

I am sorry for your loss as well.  I'm finding with the one year anniversary of losing my mom coming Friday, it's stirring up all sorts of emotion.

I wish you better luck with your next try for a support group, also returning to work.  Each loss is unique, yet I feel a common bond with all of those here.  We're each finding our own way through this...together.

[jame57]

Cleo, So sorry for your sad loss.  You are certainly not alone here.  It truly is a nightmare to lose your mum.

Kayc,  Sending you a hug as you reach the one year mark from your dear mum's passing.  You are always here to offer support and caring advice to those in need. You are in my prayers.

[kayc]

Thank you, James.  I have plans to go to town (50 miles away) to go to lunch and get groceries with a friend tomorrow, at least it will take up part of the day.  I imagine I'll spend time Friday evening reflecting on my mom...kind of hard.

[Dave58]

Hey Sweetpe1, my mom died 3 months and a day later. It's only been a little over a month for me. I can't imagine how much harder it must be for you, loosing your mom to cancer at 70. I was living with my mom, her 24 hour a day care taker. I did have some in home health care (Visiting Angels) during the day that helped. She was 93 and had dementia which seemed to kick in after her loss of sight. In my case her passing was expected, but when it happened my world collapsed on into itself, and made me wonder what to do with the time I have left, what the meaning of life is in the first place. I watched both my mom and dad die, my dad in 2005.I'm trying  to make this time a new beginning and to set myself up for a greater purpose, in that way honoring her memory, knowing that she to dealt with the passing of her parents and still lived on. It has been a fierce inner struggle for me to hang on, to find new meaning in life, where to go from here and what to do. I'm literally all alone now, have nobody at all, living in the house that I took care of her in. Don't even have a pet! My closest brother has turned on me, just wanting money. Seeing him act this way was a shock on top of everything else.  I'm new to this forum and know just from what I've read so far, it's going to be a big help.

[kayc]

Dave,

I'm sorry you're experiencing this with your brother, not what you need!  

Being a caregiver and then losing them has the added sense of loss of purpose...they were your whole life and now it's all gone, it's a lot to deal with.

I'm very glad I have my dog and cats, I don't think I could handle being completely alone.  My heart goes out to you, this is all still so fresh for you.

[BethLD]

Sweetpe1, 

it seems we both lost our mothers to similar circumstances, my mother was 60 when she passed away last December. She too was diagnosed with oral cancer. She went to the doctors with a sore jar and earache, she was diagnosed with an infection at first but further tests later revealed it was cancer. She was in agonising pain and was reassured that even those the cancer was running parallel to the carotid gland it could all be removed. Sadly the operation found that the cancer was wrapped around the artery, attempts to remove it resulted in a massive stroke and my mother passed away three days later. It has been twelve weeks since her death and I'm still so lost without her, she was my absolute world. 

How are you coping?