Loss Of A Partner And Father

[chicago111]

Dear group,

In the winter of 2013, I moved from the UK to Chicago for work. I was very happy with my life here. Eventually I met someone after dating for a while, and formed a relationship and we were very happy.

During this period my father who had been treated for cancer in 2012, came out of remission. I decided to spend 3 months in the UK in 2014 to be closer to my family while he was undergoing further treatment and she supported me. We spoke daily and she visited me.

After coming back in October, we continued our relationship and things were good. We spoke about a future and I realized that I wanted to marry this women.

At Xmas I was devastated to be told that his treatment would no longer help and he was now terminal. It was a massive shock to us all. For so long there had been hope and we were now told he only had weeks/ months to live.

I decided to go back and my girlfriend supported me. I was very much overwhelmed by everything going on.

I was trying to be there for family and hoped she would understand. I discussed with her that I wanted to stay for longer but was finding it difficult to know what to do. .

While I was back during this period, I was going to the hospital daily with Dad but still working my banking job remotely and this is fairly high pressured.

I communicated with my girlfriend during this period but could start to sense a level of resentment towards me but I was trying to be understanding. She started to be very critical of my decision making. Going from messages of I am missing you, when I said that to her, to her telling me "you're only a flight away". At one point I did fly back to Chicago for 5 days to try and be there for her before returning to England.

At one stage Dad was stable I decided to go back to Chicago as I was scared of losing my VISA which was tied to my job and also losing her. I was exhausted during this period. My families dynamic was never the healthiest and so even though we all very much loved each other and wanted to support each other, it was not always easy.

Upon my return to Chicago, rather than my girlfriend being overjoyed to see me. She still seemed angered at me. I do understand that it was hard for her. However, I tried to be honest with her throughout. That given my fathers prognosis it was going to be an uncertain period with the exception he was terminal and that i needed her support. When I returned I tried to speak about things and said I understood its been hard for her too. She even said that at one point she had not been speaking to me as much as "she didn't want me to drag her down". I overlooked this and many comments.

The next few months which would lead up to my fathers death, were very difficult. I had become almost like a robot. The life had been drained out of me. I returned to my job at which point was probably the busiest period for a long time but i managed to get through.

We started to argue and I must admit during this period I started to get quite needy and felt the more i tried to be close with her, the more she backed off. There were good times during the period but it was very hard for me to be focused. I was worried about work, the uncertainty of my father and also my relationship slipping away from me. I couldn't seem to must enough energy or words to every really communicate my true feelings. I seemed to grow so much fears from everything and I didn't know how to handle what was going on.

She started to almost detach from me and I started to get jealous. She would do Spanish lessons with guys at bars 1-on-1. Something which I found difficult to deal with, with the state of mind I had at the time.

In March, my father died while I was by his side.

The 2 weeks leading up to his death had been the same pattern of highs and lows of my relationship with my girlfriend. The day i got on a plane she told me loved me and we said goodbye and i left for the airport.

I arrived to the UK Sunday and by the evening, I was with my father and sister at the hospital. We were told he was going to die and it was very scary. I communicated with the girlfriend and was in a state of panic. The last contact i had was when i landed saying she was out at a party. I had text her several times and no response and eventually when I told her what was happening she got back to me. Saying she had been out late the night before and they gone to watch soccer with one of these Spanish speaking guys.

I told her i loved her and asked if she loved me. She said "yes, but it doesn't mean we work". I was in shock. She was telling me this by TEXT while i was with my dad. I had needed her at this point more than ever.

I spent the next 3 days by my fathers side with my sister. Taking it in turns to get rest when we had the opportunity. I was with him at the end and it was a very difficult experience. But one which I think helped me come to peace with his passing. He had endured a terrible battle.

I tried to get her off my mind during the whole period and I felt guilty that I was thinking of her at times during this period. It was so very confusing. We did text during the period and offered to "be there for me if I needed her" but also sent messages saying "what are you doing to pass the time".

Within two days she replied back to one text telling me that "small talk doesn't help here and she was moving on". I ask if there was someone else and she told me maybe now there is. I have learnt in the last week that it was someone who was Spanish so is a possibility it was someone she had already met, not that it really matters.

I am currently just ending a 5 week period of being off work as after spending a month in the UK arranging my fathers funeral and other matters, I returned to Chicago and 6 weeks after going back to work, ended up in a mess and was signed off work. I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder which causes stress and anxiety. I feel like I may have been suffering a different type of depression and anxiety way before this, but was just getting on with things.

I spent a long period of time trying to figure out what I could have done differently, feelings of guilt towards family, towards her and beating myself up so much

I really loved her so much and just didn't want to believe that she could have done what she did. I actually blamed myself for pushing her away and causing the arguments over my jealously. But I am trying to come to terms with that she didn't help the situation.

I felt guilty that I at times was more focused on her than I was my family during the period and that I had got myself into such a mess, I lost myself from the moment.

The therapy I have been going through has helped and I have been able to get a clear head for the first time since this all started. I still find it hard to not blame myself for not making better decisions but I am learning to accept this and forgive myself for trying the best I could.

I spent 3 months confused over my feelings of grief. I was upset at losing my father but I had found it easier to deal with this lose in many ways. I had loved my dad and even with a difficult relationship at times accepted our relationship for what it was. I tried to be there for him and was at the end. And I knew he was no longer suffering.

I missed her so much and was willing to forgive her. I believe it was my fault for her working out on me. Despite how she did it. That while the timing wasn't good I could understand. My friends had all tried to tell me otherwise but I was so focused on her good qualities that I just seemed blind to any wrong doings on her side.

Last week she contacted me. I was stupidly very excited. Even after having gone through so much time to deal with what had happened, I had hoped she wanted to get back together. When we met to speak, I was very open and honest with her. It was strange as she never seemed to really tell me what she wanted. Instead it seemed like she was checking in on me.

She told me during this conversation that the fling she had with this guy had ended. She said it was like "deja vu". I asked what she meant. She said he had to leave as he father had cancer. At this point I looked at her with disgust as i don't think that was appropriate way to use that term. But yet I again overlooked it.

During the time we spoke I told her how things had been and i acted very desperate. i explained my situation and that I had been suffering from depression. I was still missing her so much and for whatever reason hoped things could just go back to how they once were.

I contacted her again the next day as I wanted to know what she was thinking. We eventually met again. During that second and final meeting she told me i wasn't acting myself. I said i was nervous and I explained everything with so much honesty i was confused why she would expect otherwise. She even mad fun of me being a nutcase and said my friends were probably making fun of me. I said they had all been very supportive. She seemed more concerned with the fact i was off work than why i was off work. Nothing I said seemed to get any empathy or compassion.

I tried to explain i still am the same person and capable of being loving, caring and just need some support. She responded by telling me she was so unhappy before and couldn't be unhappy again. That she is never unhappy.

I don't know why, but even with everything I was still trying to hold onto this relationship. And sadly even text her since after. She responded telling me she had agreed to meet me (even though she had contacted me) and "was looking for something, she didn't find" and wished me good luck etc.

Even now I am still having to convince myself I am better off. I just want her to not be this person.

I don't feel I deserved to be treated like this even if things had been hard. I feel it makes a mockery of our relationship and is not behavior from someone who loves you.

I am working hard on rebuilding my confidence and self esteem, which has been shattered throughout this period. This whole period was so stressful and confusing, and I accepted behavior which I wouldn't normally tolerate .

I still struggle to understand why I still love her and have found it so hard to move on.

Apologies for the long post, but this has helped me massively.

[kayc]

Hi, I want to welcome you to this site, although I'm sorry for the reasons you're here. I am sorry you lost your dad, and your GF at the same time.

I want you to know that losing your GF was not your fault. She has poor boundaries. When she started seeing someone else, it ruined any chances the two of you might have had to make it work. This would have happened whether your dad died or not, whether you had anxiety or not. It happened, pure and simple, because she has poor boundaries. I want to say you're better off without her because it frees you up to find someone who WILL be there for you through thick and thin...but I know how much it hurts (been there) and I'm sure right now you aren't FEELING better off. They say when one door closes, another one opens, maybe, maybe not, but it does make it more possible.

It is good to express yourself and know you are heard. It's also good for you to know you are not alone in your experience...many of us have been through the gamut of breakups and know all too well the feelings associated with it.

Feeling guilty after loss is very common. There are a lot of good posts on this site, I hope you will familiarize yourself with the great articles Marty has for us.

I hope you will spend time with family and friends, pursue other interests like joining a gym, taking a class, focusing on career, etc. It's hard not to dwell on your pain, and it takes concerted effort to engage with other people and activities.

It's also okay to cry.

It seems you were not so much in love with this girl as you were with who you'd thought her to be...who you still hope/want for her to be. She is not that person. Better to search for that real person that has empathy and support and can be faithful and share common goals with you. Good luck to you in your journey, I hope you feel free to come here and post whenever you want to.

And you're right...you did not deserve to be treated this way.