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Still Disbelief


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My mom passed away on July 4th. She'd been in the hospital for 8 weeks actually longer if you count the first time she went in. She went in on April for pneumonia and came home after about a week and a half. My parents live 2 1/2 hours from me and I went up when she got home to visit and bring food, etc. She still wasn't feeling well, terrible appetite, etc. We kept telling her to be patient. About a week later she was feeling so sick like something was really wrong with her. Back to Dr and they admitted for kidney failure. To make a long story short after a biopsy turns out she had vasculitis of the kidney. Started on dialysis in hospital and they thought kidneys would come back. Did 3 rounds of a chemo treatment they use to treat this (even though not cancer). Turns out the chemo wrecked havoc on her immune system and she got pneumonia. Put in ICU. Went to visit her was doing ok still putting makeup on and rollers in hair. Dr decided no more chemo and she would have to stay on dialysis for life- we were all ok w/ that. Talked about discharging her to rehab to gain strength. Still having lots of breathing issues, fluid on lungs etc. Fast forward to getting pneumonia AGAIN and back in icu. This time intubated and all organs failing. Dr said she's in septic shock too. She lasted 3 days after that. They took her off the ventilator and she passed away 40 min later. She did know my brothers, my dad and I were there. The first day I saw her I said Mom I'm here. She flicked her eyes open and squeezed my hand and pulled her to me. I almost collapsed. Next day my brother and I were holding her hands and I told her we were there. She flicked eyes open again and squeezed our hands. This time she had tears in her eyes. Nurse had to wipe them. Last day- we did not get any response. We knew she was ready. I will always feel slightly guilty we did stay with her after taking her off ventilator. My dad did not want us to. I do think she was ready. I'm still having such a hard time dealing with her being gone. She was my best friend. I have 2 brothers it's just not the same - they didn't talk t her everyday like I did. I'm also heartbroken for my dad. They were married 55 years. I cry everytime I call the house. I feel bad I can't be stronger for my dad. He's a trigger for me me though b/c makes me think of mom. It's been almost 3 weeks and I still have moments where I feel like I lose my breath and think this is REAL. I think of her at the funeral home and I cry, I think of her in the hospital and I cry. When I think of her in good times or see pictures that's when I feel like this can't be real. It's not possible she's really gone. I'm married and my husband has been great and I have 2 girls who keep me busy but I feel like the reality of it is setting in now and I feel worse. I'm trying to make a plan a day w/ a friend to occupy my time (I'm a teacher so off for summer). My friends have been amazing too. I'm having the hardest time thinking of good memories of her b/c that's making me the saddest and I feel like this couldn't possibly have happened. She was such a vibrant active 78.

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I'm so sorry you lost your mom, I also lost mine last August. The trigger may ease a little as little by little you begin to view your dad as an individual in his own right...you've viewed them as a "couple" all your life so it may take a while to adjust.

I'm glad you have a good support system, that helps, it also helps to make plans, something to look forward to.

I'm just so sorry, it never seems like a good time, it never feels fair.

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My dad also gets annoyed with me b/c I cry everytime I talk to him. He tells me I need to get control of myself and how my girls don't want to see me like that. Of course I KNOW that but then it makes me cry more! I feel like I either do or could cry all day the past 3 days. At least before I was having some good days, now it seems I'm sad ALL the time.

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My dear, I hope you know that, despite your dad's chastising you, it's okay to cry in front of your girls, as long as you reassure them that it is nothing they have done or failed to do that is causing your tears, and you explain to them why you're crying ~ that is, you're crying because you love your mom, you miss her terribly, and you're so very sad that she has died. You can model reminiscing, sharing memories and talking openly about how much your mother meant to you and to your family. Feeling, showing and verbalizing your own pain gives your children an example to follow, while holding back your tears implies that feelings are to be suppressed. Refusing to cry in front of your girls may lead them to wonder if you would cry if one of them had died. Your children need to know that crying is a natural way to release emotions ~ so I hope you will let those tears come whenever you feel a need to shed them, whether it's in front of your daughters or not.

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Thank you Marty for your kind words. Yes, unfortunately I am unable to even make them stop if I wanted to! I've never been able to hold in my emotions so it just all comes out! Guess that's a good thing! That's also the problem when I talk to my dad though- I just cannot be strong. It's physically impossible for me to not cry if I feel it! I think I make it worse for him.

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