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Girlfriend's Dad Died 2 Weeks Ago And I'm Lost


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So I've been dating a girl for a few months now and everything was good until a couple of weeks ago. Her dad was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago and about 2 months ago he took a turn for the worst and unfortunately passed away. She is chinese so they had a 10 day funeral which i was not allowed to go to, family is quite conservative. After 11 days this past week she finally called me and the first day we talked it was nice. She was busy doing stuff but we chatted for a good 3 hours.

The following day was less talk but we chatted for a bit. More like me asking questions and her just saying yes no ok etc. Yesterday i didnt really hear from her but did get a few texts and spokena few minutes. This morning she messaged me and said she was tired but was helping her mom.

What im on here for is im lost as to what im to do. Ive told her ill stand by her side which she said ok. I message her throughout the day and just let her know im there. I know she's grieving but im so confused as to wwhat to do. Im a fixer upper and need to fix this. Ive done enough reading i know i can't but should i stick this out? I will fight to the end for her bc she's worth itm please help im so lost.

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You say you know you can't but should stick this out and then say you'll fight to the end for her. Those statements are incongruous with each other so it's hard to know what you really mean.

You can't fix this. Grief is hard hitting and the griever is not the same person after being hit hard with grief. If she was close to her dad, it's going to hit her hard. She may need time/space, and it will be important for you to respect her wishes and not put any pressure or demands on her. When you're grieving, it can feel overwhelming so you can't handle anything else, so often a person distances themselves from others, particularly someone they're in a relationship with as there's often demands they can't meet with it. They can't handle both so they often cut loose the relationship.

It's important to realize, however, that not everyone responds the same way in grief. Many draw closer together through it, many break up. There is very little you can do about the outcome except putting pressure on her in any way is likely to push her over the edge, leaning towards breaking up.

If you want to be supportive of her, try to keep yourself busy and occupied with other people and just "be there" in case she wants/needs you to. Follow her clues as to how much interaction to have with her. Let HER initiate more. Try not to panic.

I hope you will do some reading on this site, there is a vast amount of information on grief here, you can learn what she may be going through and what it is grievers need from others.

I wish you all the best and hope all works out for you...I've been there, both sides of the coin.

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There's a lot of good advice for your situation, read all that you can about it and follow through, but above all be patient. Two weeks is nothing at all. It's going to take a long time for her to appear normal, but be warned, it's a mask.. a thin one. Just underneath her mask will be a sensitive girl who lost her daddy. I was 43 when I lost my mom and it took me a year to talk about it without blubbering. It will soften over time. You are just as important to her as you were before he died, but her emotions will control her without her wanting them to. It's not voluntary and no we can't control it. Be happy for the good days that will follow, be ok with down days, and don't be openly upset when she cancels outings or dates. It will improve each day just a little. And when it does - notice and smile! And when it doesn't show patience. It's a man's intuition to fix everything for their women, but in this case you can only fix it by holding her hand, listening, saying you understand, and not judging. Don't fix it with words. Fix it with hugs and you'll get to keep her. Send flowers or a card to her mom after she returns home and without telling your gf. And be cautious with movies! Even commercials can prompt sadness, so pre-watch movies before watching them with her, or at least read the reviews. If it's a tear jerker, or people die in it, avoid them. These things helped me. I can't promise that they will help you, but if you want to be 'the keeper' do consider all good advice. And good luck to you both.

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Yeah I've done a lot of reading on here which is why i decided to join and just spill my guts out because the anxiety and anticipation is killing me. She wont see me but does answer me with simple texts a couple of times a day.

I know I need to keep my distance but my situation is a bit harder bc her mother n her family doesn't know about me. This is so hard.

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If u notice from my writing my thought process isnt all there. Im literally a bag of nerves. I feel like i live glued to my phone waiting to hear from her and i know it's unhealthy but not sure how to stop it. Ive spoken to her friends and she hasn't answered any of them either so i know she's in a very dark place right now. Her dad's death has hit her mother even harder and i feel that her mom is holding on vety tightly to her and she's being drained of what little energy she does have.

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My heart goes out to you, it's a hard situation to have. I think you may be right about what is going on with her right now.

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Thanks Kayc. I have read countless posts of yours and they've been extremely helpful. I know i can't do anything but support her right now anyway i can, but the desire to be with her is overwhelming at this point. Ive suffered from anxiety disorders for many years and had it under control for sometime but now it's all come back and it has gotten to a point where ive had to go back on my meds so that I can function at work and in life.

Just last night for thr first time in 2 weeks i put on the radio and was actually able to hear the song.

She just called about an hour ago and said she'll call rifht back but again i find myself staring at my phone waiting for the call.

Anyways any advice you can give im allllll open right now. I think just putting my feelings into words and typing them is helping me tremendously. One of my biggest fears is that i may never see her again, but i know that is my insecurity pushing itself into the light. Im not a very patient person but through prayer and meditation and pills im having to be. :)

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I know what you are going through, I've been through it...with my fiance, Jim...I haven't dated in the five years since he broke up with me. He was his mom's caregiver 24/7 and felt overwhelmed and was sleep deprived. While I didn't like his abrupt decision, I have come to understand what he was going through that brought it on. Today we are really good friends and I've been able to let go of all that...both my hopes and dreams with him, and what I felt he did to me (breaking my heart). While I'd rather have someone that can go through thick and thin with me in life, not someone I have to wonder when some boom will drop and they'll break up with me because they can't handle it...still, I forgive him, I just choose not to go through more heartbreak. Not everyone chooses the same way in life, that doesn't make it right or wrong, it just is. I understand him, totally, and think he's a wonderful person, and I do admire the single purpose he showed to his mom when she was dying.

I remember the ups and downs, it was an emotional roller coaster...waiting for months, hoping he'd call, and he didn't. It was tough. Crying on my commute home from work. Crying during the night. Memories everywhere. Triggers. It was tough. It hurt so bad! I questioned everything! Had he ever meant the things he'd said to me? Would he have gone through with our future if this hadn't happened? Was I just nothing to him? He still says today that he meant everything at the time and yes he'd planned on spending the rest of his life with me. Why is it then that he never tried to get me back in the years since? Does he feel he doesn't deserve that? Who knows. All I know is what happened, happened. It can't be undone. And it changed everything for us. It changed my ability to trust to that level. It made me question his ability to be there for me in the way I'd need him to be if he were to be my husband. It made him question himself!

I think when things impact us on this level, both for him and for me, it does change who we are to some degree, because we are all of our collective life experiences and impressions.

I remember the waiting. I also remember clearly the very moment I determined not to cry over him one more time! I determined not to let him yank me around emotionally. Not that he meant to, but he was doing just that. When he'd say he'd call me the next day...and two weeks went by. I learned not to count on what he said. I know he didn't mean to treat me that way, he really didn't. He was just caught up in things at the time. He had his hands full with the grieving. And for the most part, I tried to be there for him. I listened to him when he wanted to talk. I was always a phone call away. But I learned not to put stock in anything.

(I've been on both sides of grief. I lost my dear sweet husband over ten years ago. I didn't push anyone away in my grief, I welcomed people being there. Even so, our friends disappeared of their own accord, it seems some fear grief as being something contagious to avoid. It surprised me, but it is common. I had to make new friends, and a new life.)

Today Jim is my good friend. I accept him as he is. I value him, as is. But we no longer have a future together as a couple, and that's okay...now.

I, too, have anxiety, and it often played into things with my panicky feelings. I am on medicine for life now and gladly so. In my case, I think I've always had GAD and when I discovered it seven years ago, it only made sense to take medicine to help correct it. I'm on something mild, I still have feelings, it doesn't make me a robot, but it helps take some of the edge off so I can cope. It helps make me more normal. I welcome that.

You asked advice, I'm not sure I have any to give, we all have to find our own way through this, and it doesn't always turn out the same for everyone. But you will know what you need to do as you go through it...listen to that still small voice inside of you, it will guide you. And try not to pressure her. It will be hard, but try to give her the respect she needs by giving her the space to find her own way through her grief, she will need it.

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Im sorry you had to bear the grief of both sides; i can only imagine how hard it is to lose a loved one. Hugs. I know i should listen to my head but my heart says something else.

Just this evening i tried calling twice and she was in phone for over 30 minutes n rejected my calls. I sent her texts (simple ones) but nothing. I don't want to just turn off the switch and walk away, i feel id become the bad guy, but i feel her lack of consideration towards me is borferline insulting. Dunno not sure what to think of it. Today we had a nice talk and even saw her smile, but then a few hours later no response.

I feel hopeless but know i cant sit idly by, ur posts have taught me that. I went to the gym n then took a long walk before coming home.

Kayc, were ur friends any help? My friends say leave her n find a new one but its only been 2 weeks and I dont think it's fair for either of us if i just give up when it gets hard. Frustrating!!!!!

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My friends just said forget him, pretty much. I would lay off calling her, make it more infrequent, give HER a chance to call YOU. Your pressure will drive her away and annoy her. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. I've read each and every thread in here, the storyline reads very similar. Of those, I only recall one couple that made it through intact. But of course these are the worst case scenarios, there's way more that HAVE made it through, they just weren't the ones coming on line posting about it, they didn't need to.

It helps to busy yourself. Reconnect with friends you've been too busy to see, spend time with family, sign up for a class, join a gym, but stay busy! That way your tears will be limited to nighttime when you're alone, and your days will fill out better. That doesn't mean you won't still get hit with triggers, you will, but it will help.

Usually the one person a griever will cut off is the person they're in a relationship with. The reason for that is the relationship requires something from them to keep it going, and frankly, right now, they just don't have anything left in them. They can make time for friends and family and job, even go have fun, but have nothing left for their relationship. It didn't make sense to me at the time, I felt so hurt and rejected and it damn well FELT personal, even if not intended that way. I understand it better now...don't like it, but I understand it. Relationship requires something DEEPER than the others do, and honestly, it just isn't there for them to give right now. They're being yanked around demanded of, depleted, exhausted, hurting. They're out of their minds with grief! Meanwhile, they're having to attend details to planning a memorial/funeral, deciding about spreading ashes, what to do with personal property, settling estate, meeting with lawyers, consoling family members, etc. You can't imagine how exhausting all that is, especially on top of their own pain at losing someone they love.

Show her respect, give her the space she requires. Let that be a measure of your love for her.

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Thanks Kayc for your words of reality and encouragement. I actually just received a very normal msg sayinf gnite and sending me her love. I cant imagine how exhausting it is really. My father also has cancer and i kmow i will lose him soon but i cant even picture what life will be like once he passes. I think we grew a bond bc of our parallel dilemmas and i hope she doesnt resent me bc my dad is still alive.

U seem so strong and wise in ur posts. U have no idea how much strength your words provide me and im sure many other ppl. Heck im even willing to say ur like a cyber angel whose words may be quite candor but so insightdul and full of truth. Thank u thank u.

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I read my last two posts to Jim before posting for his take on the accuracy and my interpretation...his response? He said I deserved a Pulitzer. It's only what I've learned through it all. Looking back, I wish I hadn't put any pressure on him, had given him time and space, maybe it would have had a different outcome, maybe not, but at least I'd have felt better about my end of it.

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Yeah i think the pressure is what probably drives them away more. My anxiety right now has me kinda trembling and it doesnt feel good. I dont know what triggered this but hopefully by writing my feelings down right now it'll help.

I currently feel like if I don't reach out a few times a day she won't even think of me. Im terrified that i wont ever hear from her again, although deep inside i know it may be a good thing for me. I have tons of conflicting emotions right now but i guess some are from my feelings for her while the other ones are my guards trying to build a wall. Ugh this is all so ambiguous. I learned to not try and control situations in therapy but right now I'm acting out and playing detective to see who she has spoken to etc.

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So im up and just checked my phone to see if i had any messages from her. Basically she said what's up? I told her was up n thinking of her and she wrote back "okie" then told her i missed her n she immediately wrote back "same here" notsure what to think of that. Am I reading too much into her words? She used to say miss you too babe but now i get "okie" and "me toos" am i being friend zoned? Is this her not wanting to think? I know she's with her mother so probably busy but God I want more! Im being selfish I know but i want my sarcastic and funny gf back! Im so down in the dumps. Here's to another sleepless night replaying those three words in my head.

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So I read even more topics today and im a bit more aware of what she's going through. Ive noticed that some inidviduals just cant deal with small talk and they also may get upset that others are living a normal life while there's has been turned completely upside down. Maybe I've been insensitive to her needs and although i try to understand, i never will. Lost still.

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Hello. I posted about coming back together with my ex after a grief related breakup. We are still sorting out the future and are focused on things one day at a time due to her overwhelm. But I'm so happy we are trying. I have her a ton of space after she ended things (didn't talk for two months), and she said that really helped. That I respected her boundaries when things were hardest for her. I still have some anxiety because I don't know what the future holds (we'd been planning to have children and a whole life before her mom came in poor health). However I believe we can get through this, and my advice to you is to give her space, let her initiate. I understand that feeling of "if I don't contact her, she'll forget about me." But if that's the case (and I doubt it is), it's not sustainable anyway. That's what I tell myself now when I feel the same. And while you're giving her space, maybe it's a good time to cultivate loving yourself and filling your life with other things that bring you joy and completeness, which can help with anxiety. It sounds to me like she does love and care about you and right now is just depleted. If you are going to be through this with her, your expectations will have to change. She can't be funny and sarcastic while in deep grief. And she can only give what she can give. Right now she's in the heart of grief.

Reading this site has been very helpful to me. I feel very positive about where my relationship is going even after being shut out for 2 months. But it has required patience, therapy, reading, meditating, etc. much of which you're doing! I feel for you. Best of luck.

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Thank you Erfette for your kind words. I'm glad to see that you guys have been able to come back together which gives me a little hope. Last night she messaged me that she was at dinner with her family and her mom was able to get out of the house. I messaged her gnite and good morning but no answer yet. Im going to try and contact her as little as possible today and try and spend some time with my friends. Although my mind will be preoccupied with thinkng od her, i will have my friends snapping me back into reality every so often. Let's see what happens today. Im sure she'll be quite busy with her mom n brothers. Motto of the day: No Expectations. :)

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Hi, Erfette, it's good to hear from you, and even better that you guys are still trying. Maybe you two will be the other couples here that made it!

bangkok, Anxiety played in to my having a hard time stepping back from Jim and contributed to his going over the edge and breaking up with me. If I'd only known then what I know now, maybe increasing my meds would have helped me through that time. Oh well, it is what it is.

I'm glad your friends are around. Yes, no expectations (expectations=pressure=giving up:).

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Thanks Kay. She actually called me out of the blue and we had a normal conversation which was very nice. Her old self came through which just solidifies the fact that i know she's still there but dealing with stuff. We ended the conversation by saying qe will talk later. I will just msg her later and see if she can chat. Today is a better day, but i feel as if my anxiety is permanent at this point. Even if im at ease with how today is going my anxiety levels are quite high. I try not to take anti anxiety pills during the day bc they make me kinda blah and my job entails me to be super alert at all times.

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Well ive tried to msg a 2 times and call twice and usually Ill get a reply or at least my call is rejected but nothing at all. I cant handle these ups and downs, im not sure what they mean. A few hours ago we had a great conversation and now im left in the dark. Is she bipolar? How can someone be so sweet one second and then so cold the next? How do i stop worrying? Im at a friend's house now and they're worried because the anxiety is physically seen. I wish I could get in a hole and disappear. How did you all handle this feeling? Ive tried walking around, breathing, meditating but all I can do is sit here and worry.

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This is all normal and to be expected. Please try to hold back from calling and texting, let HER take the lead with it. I know it's hard. It does help to stay busy. I remember cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, to keep myself busy so I could slip into bed exhausted at night.

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Yeah im on my way home now (it's night time over here). My friends spoke some sense into me and slapped me around a bit tonight. I think with the non grieving person letting go of all control and just lettint things be is the hardest part. Although i have not heard from her I can only imagine she's with her mom n brothers sorting through all her father's articles. I remember when i lost my grandfather my mom didnt have the energy to go throufh anything and grandma was numb so at 15 i was left to do all thr bagging and sorting. I can't remember what I felt bc i was also numb, but what I do remember is waking up the next day and noticing most of my grandfather's clothes and jewelry just ended up in my closet, i even kept his socks bc he only wore one brand n color.

This site is such a God send to everyone dealing with loss. I think I've read more than 100 threads st this point and all of our sufferings and losses are so parellel. Im going to try and meditate aome before sleeping and hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

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You must be clear around the world from me (I'm in Oregon...USA), it's 8:31 am here. Your English is good, I wouldn't have guessed.

15 years old is awfully young to be attending to such! It must have felt quite traumatic at that young age. Numb is probably how she's feeling about now.

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