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Grieving Horribly Over Loss Of My Beloved Cat


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Carrie,

I am so sorry for poor Beauregard and for all of you too.  I hope you can keep from crying...how much longer do you have to go without crying?  I can't imagine trying to hold tears in checks when you're going through such a hard place right now.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and esp. with dear Beauregard.

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Carrie, how on earth you will be able to not cry while going through all this heartache is beyond me.  I feel for you in the sadness you are experiencing.  My prayers have also been with you and your precious Beauregard!  You have been through so much and I pray that God gives you the strength to get through these tough times! 

Marj, I am so happy for you on becoming a mom to your two sweet kitties!  I commented on this the other day in your thread also.  I can't wait to be a mom again to some furbabies.  My heart aches to love, and my arms ache to hold a precious furbaby or two.  I am still aching and missing my Spooky, but I want to be able to laugh and enjoy life again.  I still have a shock every morning with Spooky not being there, but I try to get busy right away so as not to think about it.  The only thing I somehow console myself with right now is by watching funny pet (especially cat) videos on YouTube and it helps me forget my pain for awhile.

~ Mia ~

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Hello, my friends,
 
Little ole Beauregard never had a chance.  He has Hemangiosarcoma, a highly metastatic cancer of blood vessels that started in his spleen.  It went to his heart, brain, pancreas, lungs, liver,  retroperitoneal cavity (abdominal), and I'm not sure what else Amberly said (I don't think much is left).  We suspect the cancer has moved to his bones, but we weren't told this.  
 
This explains the dark stools, and his collapsing on the driveway and losing bladder control when I was playing ball with him that day.  We've told the vet about the blood in the stools for months.  She knew something was not right, but tests showed nothing, except slightly low protein.  He became so he couldn't play ball, but could chase the laser light until a few days ago.  He was falling over while playing, so I checked his toenails.  He was due for a pedicure, so I though that must be it.
 
We've had him checked ever since Ashely died last October to make sure he didn't have kidney disease.   The vets found nothing wrong with him, except a heart murmur, until the day I told you he has "severe pancreatitis and acute kidney disease."  The treatment for that is boluses of water, which Amberly did.  She kept him waterlogged, but in increments that would keep his heart safe.
 
Amberly took him to the vet Wednesday after work for a shot for nausea.  A second set of X-rays showed he had CHF, and Amberly was told that she'd given him too much water.  Amberly texted me to say, "I think I've killed him."  I said, "I'll be right there."  I was going to ask Jerry if he felt able to get us to her, but she said that all staff were being kind to her, and that I cannot be at a vet's office a week after cataract surgery.  My mother-heart struggled. 
 
Our old friend vet "happened" to see her in an exam room, and came to see what was happening with Beauregard.  He told her to think like a nurse (rather than the warped out family member she was), and she would know she had done the right thing, for the treatments for kidneys and CHF are opposites.   I'm thankful he was there to reel her back in (I'm convinced God gives us people, and at just the right time).    
 
The new vet prescribed lasix for the CHF.  A few hours later, at  3 the next morning, Beauregard went into complete kidney failure due to the lasix.   
 
As of today, we know the fluid around his heart was not water, but blood.  A tumor in a blood vessel had broken, which is common with this kind of cancer.  He does not have CHF.  Amberly says that although the vet misdiagnosed him, and hastened his inevitable death, it's a mistake she herself could have made.  We are sad, but not angry.  When the radiologist saw the X-Rays, we got a far different diagnosis.  There is rarely a way to diagnose this exceptionally-aggressive cancer until the patient is near death.  It usually happens to larger dogs.  Beauregard always did think he was a big bloodhound like his ancestors, and we never told him the truth.
 
Thank you for praying for us.  Please continue.  Please pray for Beauregard to be pain-free, especially during his euthanasia sometime Monday morning.  We haven't been given a time.  
 
This is SO hard.
 
Hugs,
Carrie 

 
 
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Carrie, I am so sorry.  I wish the outcome could be different.  You have done all that you could and I know that doesn't feel like enough, but it is the best humanly possible.  I pray for his comfort and for you to have a special day with him tomorrow.  My prayers are with you and Jerry and Amberly as well.

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Hi,

Thank you all so very much for your prayers and friendship.  These are enough, Marty.  No one could ask for more.  I am so very grateful.

We thought kidney disease was the worst thing we had to watch out for regarding Beauregard's health.  We are told that he doesn't have cancer in his kidneys, but he does have acute kidney disease, which is treatable.  Ironical.  

Mia, I somehow must not cry.  The danger is retinal detachment.  My risk is greater due to my having Sjogren's Disease, which is an autoimmune disease.  The most common symptoms are dry eyes, mouth, and skin, but some internal organs are sometimes affected.  For me, it's my esophagus and lungs.  I usually don't think of anything except my eyes (and skin- they love me at the Estée Lauder counter).  I use drops at night to prevent my eyelids from sticking to my eyes (I panicked the first time that happened, and tore my cornea when I forced my lid up with my finger; I was in ophthalmologist's office as soon as they opened).  

I am remembering the Bible verse that tells me, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phillipians 4:13).  This is my hope and my prayer.  

I do not know if it's possible to postpone crying until a particular date on the calendar, but I'm going to try.  My second surgery is September 9.  I know one must wait a month before rubbing a new eye surgery site, so I guess that tells us when I should be safe.  

Until I had surgery, I think I've cried some just about every day (e.g. anticipatory grief; Ashely; Callie).  I didn't think I could keep from crying.  I explained my situation to the tech, and she said that I could cry.  She also told me I can use my regular  eye drops.  I learned neither is accurate.  

Because I got through 2013, when Jerry was so sick, I have hope.  I cannot do it very well without my forum friends, so just pray me through it, please.  

Jerry sometimes playfully calls me "Magnolia Blossom," because I'm from the South.  I think I'm going to need to be a steel magnolia.  The magnolia blossom is the state flower of Mississippi.

Anne, thank you for reminding me we are not alone.

Love and hugs to all,

Carrie

 
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Oh Carrie, I'm so very sorry that you and your family are going thru this again, so soon after losing Callie.  Just remember all the love and care that you gave to Beauregard over the years.  He is one lucky boy to have had such a wonderful family!

Will be thinking of you.

Mary

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Carrie, I love the thought of you being the Steel Magnolia...for now anyway, because that is what is necessary.  You have to think of your eyes.  Do whatever you must to postpone thinking deeply about the situation...the tears will (and must) wait.  You continue in my prayers daily, dear Carrie.  I've come to think of you and the others here on the forum as my friends as well.  I had someone tell me once that you can't be friends with someone you never met in person.  Phooey!  You all know my deepest thoughts and secrets.  You know my faults and my strengths.  You know my humor.  You know what I am passionate about.  You know my values and beliefs.  What more is there to know/

And what a beautiful state flower!  Magnolia is one of the most beautiful flowers and has the loveliest scent!  My mom had a magnolia tree.

Praying God see you through this.  And Kacy is right, Beauregard has been fortunate to have you for his mommy over the years.  More than that, he's been fortunate to have your family!  My prayers are with him too.

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Mary,  thank you for saying that Beauregard is a lucky boy to have us as his family.  He is definitely loved, for sure and certain.  Thank you for caring.  I know you are hurting also.  I care that you are hurting.  My hurt helps me understand your hurt, and that of others ~ at least somewhat.  We all understand grief, so we reach out to each other.  Doesn't this make us all a family somehow?  Thank you for reaching out to me.  

Amberly has kept Beauregard mostly comfortable by giving him buprenex and Valium.  I had kept Ashely's Valium in case Callie or Beauregard had a need.  They both did at the end.   It hurt me to see Ashely's name on the bottle this morning when Amberly asked me to crush half a tablet for Beauregard, but it feels like our wee girl has a part in helping her Beauregard.  There is only one and a half tablets left now.  I pray more won't be needed.  Right now, Amberly has Beauregard splayed out onto her tummy with his head snuggled on her chest.  She said this is the only position in which he's comfortable now.  

When I brought the Valium to her, I noticed she is not drinking enough water.  She said, "I'm trying not to move."  She has moved little since the last time she took him to the vet on the day he was given a shot of lasix that caused his kidneys to fail.  

I forgot to say that when he went into kidney failure at 3 Thursday morning, he mouth-breathed twice, and stroked.  His hind legs have not worked since that shot, and his bladder appears paralyzed also.  Amberly's wishing she had a pediatric catheter (not that she's ever cathed  a dog before . . .   We are not angry with the vet, because her diagnosis appeared to be right, and she was trying to help him.  Her attitude is good, and she's compassionate.  She did her best to help him.  Knowing this helps "somewhat."  The outcome is the same.  

We are waiting for a call from the vet.  The suspense and dread are awful.  Rushes of adrenalin wash over us, and we want to flee or stop time.  I want Jerry to go to somewhere that he won't be involved in the euthanasia.  Amberly told me to go with her Daddy to a different part of the property.  That sounds reasonable, but when is a mother's heart going to listen to reason?  I am so pulled. My own reasoning tells me to go to the office with Jerry while our good friend Connie is here for Beauregard (will also comfort Amberly), and then I must come back to hold my daughter.  

Kay,  we on the forum are indeed friends.  We know each other on a deeper level through our writings than many who are together physically, for it is here we bare our hearts to each other.   We expose our beauty marks and our warts, for we know we won't be abandoned.  We feel safe, for we are safe.  Thank you for saying that Beauregard is lucky to be part of our family.  

Can you imagine the hole that little hound is going to leave in our lives?  There's nothing like a hound yodel to me.   We will have lost all three of our precious, precious babies within ten months.  To go from having three Doxies "rip snorting" through the house to unreal quiet is truly strange.  I'm hearing nothing right now, except the ringing in my ears, and I think a distant chain saw.  I'm not even sure about the latter; perhaps it's just my ears changing tones (Meniere's).

The office and the shop are where we, particularly Jerry, will miss the boy most.  The sounds of the shop sometimes frightened our girls, but the boy was always eager to see whatever Jerry was doing.  Jerry's always laughed at how Beauregard was interested in everything that was going on.  Jerry said that he seemed to say, "What are we building, Daddy?  Pick me up to the workbench, and let me see."  

In the office, Beauregard has a bed with a light right at Jerry's feet.  Yep.  Jerry's going to be lost without him, because he is always was underfoot ~ almost literally.  He seemed to know that he was a "man" like his Daddy.  Beauregard thought Amberly and I, along with Ashely and Callie, belonged to him.  No male could approach us without his permission, which he would not give until we told him he could go off duty.  That was instinct; we didn't teach him that, in fact, it was rather annoying.  

Connie might not be coming after all.  We may have a different vet, but this one is good with a needle and we like her.  We will know soon, for Amberly just answered the phone.  Amberly says that it will be Dr. Strand who will come at 1:30.  Now, we know a time, and it's so final.  Having a time is like putting a period at the end of a life.

Pray, and we will get through this.  God is the true Wind Beneath our Wings.  

This is SO hard.  I'm willing myself to not cry.  Seeing the tears of my family might weaken my resolve.  Amberly's not going to be able to help crying.  She's going to outright bawl.  I know her.  She told me to go elsewhere, although it's not Connie who is coming.  I don't think I can do that.  The three of us will likely wind up together, for that's what seems right.  I'm trying to "park" Jerry, but I'm not sure he will stay parked.

Mia, thank you for allowing me to use your thread.  I started to begin a new thread, as I did for Callie, for it seems I'm slighting Beauregard.  I'm just not up to it.  

Hugs and a big Thank You to all,

Carrie

 

 

 

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Hi Carrie,

I am praying for your family as the time has come for Beau to be an angel.  Oh, I know it is so hard .  And it is also a huge love gesture.  Pain and love at the same time.  Sometimes I wonder how we can stand it.   BUT, here we are together on this forum and as you say exposing our warts and all.

Love from my house,  Marj, Hamish, Angel Gb, Shamus & Brianna

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Carrie, I had to work today so wasn't able to be on line and when I came home, my internet was down (again).  Even so, I knew today was the day you'd see the vet, and I've been praying for you all today.  You're ion my heart.  

Marty, beautiful poem, so fitting.

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I am just thinking about all of our precious furbabies running around healthy and so frisky. Imagine the reunion between Ashley, Callie and Beauregard! 

I really liked the poem Marty posted. I am still missing my Benji. 

I like that we are not alone in missing our animals. 

Anne

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Dear Friends,
 
Amberly brought Beauregard home tonight.  Jerry, Amberly, and I were together as I placed him tenderly on the top shelf of the bookcase with Ashely, Callie, and Catey Elizabeth.  Catey has a cedar urn that is lighter in color than the matching cedar urns of the other three babies (died within 10 months, so matching urns were available).  With tears streaming down his face, Jerry said, "Now, our little family are at Home together."  We imagined them running as fast as they can together, as they used to do here at home.  We held onto and rocked each other in a group hug.  We told our wee boy, who thought himself to be a big bloodhound, 'Bye (can't say the whole word).  
 
Note:  I wrote the following last night.  I fell asleep, and couldn't send it.  Up again at 3.  Rough day regarding Jerry today (expect him to be ok), so am just now able to write to tell you that I appreciate each one of you so much.
 
-----
Thank you Marj, Marty, Kay, Anne and all (beginning to be a roll call ❤️), 

Such a meaningful, heart-wrenching, beautiful poem, Marty.  It's too bad the author is unknown, for someone deserves much credit,  and is owed much gratitude.  I think most, if not all of us here, understand and identify with the words, although we wish we didn't.  

The vet was late, but it could not be helped.  Amberly and I gave Beauregard the last of Ashely's Valium and his buprenex, so he was quite sedated.  Dr. Strand didn't need to give the  usual IV.  She gave him a shot.  He gave two small gasps, and flew away Home to God who gave him life.

I had thought to "park" Jerry in his office, but Jerry had other ideas.  Just before Dr. Strand arrived, Jerry covered the couch in Sonspot with Chux for Amberly, got everything prepared for her to sit with Beauregard, came to get me, and suggested that he and I take a walk down to the Hollow.   He said that we would come right back to Amberly.  His hurting hip made walking difficult for him; even so, I knew I would be taking a walk.  He had determined he would protect my eye from tears.  

Many years ago, I planted strawberries among the roses for the birds.  That worked well for the birds before Beauregard became our boy.  He declared every strawberry on the property his.  He waded through the "tall" alyssum, and got scratched by rose thorns daily from June until frost as he searched for his strawberries.  He'd eat them green before they could ripen.  The only ones that got red were the ones he didn't find while green.  We enjoyed watching him "on a hunt."  The alyssum made him smell sweet like a girl, but we didn't insult his masculinity by telling him.

This morning as I looked out at the East Garden, I was glad there are no strawberries right now.  I didn't want there to be any today.  Tomorrow maybe.

As Jerry and I began our walk toward the Hollow, right there barely into the garden, was the brightest red strawberry.   My eyes were riveted upon it.  I had a rough few moments.  Had Beauregard been able to get outside last week, it would have been eaten already.  I struggled to not cry at the sight of it.    It  just didn't seem right for it to be there since little ole Beauregard was upstairs in Sonspot losing his life.  The birds are welcome to have those they find tomorrow, but not that one.  I picked it, and threw it away ~ as far down into the Hollow as I could throw it. 

As soon as we saw Dr. Strand getting into her vehicle, we hurried to Amberly who was standing in the front yard.  I saw her wiping her eyes as we approached.  I held her in my arms, and rocked her.   She whimpered a little, but would not cry.  She was afraid her crying would cause me to cry (I thought it might.).   I knew she felt like she was about to explode inside, because I did also.   I knew just the thing that would cause her to let go, and let the tears come.   I told her about the strawberry.  That did it.  That "really" did it.  She needed to cry.  She's been right with Beauregard for days - and nights, and has tenaciously fought a medical battle that could not be won.  

We needed something ~ just anything ~ to do.  The three of us decided to go to Amberly's  house to see what the workers will be doing in her yard tomorrow.  Jerry said he would go lock our house first.  I waited in the driveway.  Amberly went inside.  I heard her let out an air-piercing wail that simply broke my heart.  She forgot we had opened the windows to air out the house, and she thought she was all alone in Jerry's office.   She turned around to find Jerry right with her.   He hadn't deliberately followed her, but was glad he had.  She needed him.  

I know she will cry alone tonight.  It's the way of things.  She knows we are an intercom away, if she chooses to not be alone.    She will be alone, yet not alone.  She will have a Comforter.  We are hurting so deeply, yet we will get through this.  We must, and so we will.  

Thus far, God has answered our prayers, and has helped me to control my tears.   Amberly's scream was not so silent, and just about broke down all my resolve.  I feel like I'm trembling inside, and I am drawn taut like a bow string.  My legs feel so limber.  When Jerry said that we needed to walk to the Hollow, I wasn't sure my legs were going to hold me up so very well.  Neither of us was steady, but we made it with just a wobble now and then.  

The yard feels so empty ~ so unearthly quiet.  No more Doxies racing for balls or hunting for strawberries.  For the briefest moment, I thought I saw Beauregard in the alyssum following Amberly while she was trimming the roses this afternoon.  My breath caught.  
 
Amberly felt like she had to actively do something, so she went to the garden.   Her supervisor told her to take as much time off as she needs, but Amberly will be back in her office tomorrow after she gets Beauregard from the vet's office, and takes him to the crematorium.   That sounds just too hard to hear myself say.

I know you guys know this hurt I'm feeling.  May God hold each of you tenderly.

Carrie
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Oh Carrie --- my heart cries for you.   That is all I know to say.

That poem is one of my favorites --- thanks to Marty for posting it .

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Dear Carrie, I am in tears reading about dear sweet Beauregard, that he is no longer with you.  When you talked about the day Beauregard went away to be with our Lord, I felt like I was right there with you feeling your pain!  Your beloved pet is indeed with Ashley and Callie now, in God's care.  My heart hurts that you all have to go through such grief, and especially Carrie under the circumstances of your own situation with your eyes.  But please take comfort in the fact that he is no longer suffering!  I pray that you can hang on until it is ok for you to cry, and when that time comes we will all be there for you!

You were so descriptive in recounting this experience that you made it so real for us, like we were experiencing exactly what you were at that same moment.  My prayers are with you, Jerry and Amberly that God will give you all the strength to bear this sorrow!  And also for you Carrie to heal quickly!

Marty, thank you for posting this beautiful poem!  It is too bad the author is unknown and doesn't get credit for such heartfelt feelings.

With Hugs,

~ Mia ~

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Dear Carrie,

Thank you for sharing your story here so we all can join with you and be with you in your pain. I loved the story of the strawberry patch ~how fitting that there was one red strawberry in eyesight. There are no words to comfort you, Jerry and Amberly, at this time. Know that we who come here do understand.

When your eyes are healed then you will let the river flow and we will be with you.

Anne 

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Carrie, I am so glad you are surrounded by Jerry and Amberly through these events, this is truly hard.  I worry that I will be alone when I have to go through it.  Saying "bye" is never easy to our beloved family members...I like the saying better:  "See ya later".  I believe with all that is within me that we will be rejoined.  You are in my prayers.

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Hi, everyone,

Thanks to all of you for hanging with me.  Thank you so much for your care and kindness.  

I've been so immersed with Beauregard that I forgot that tomorrow is my pre op for my second cataract surgery on the 9th.  Can you believe that?!  I got a reminder call a little while ago, and it's a good thing I did.  That's not a good thing to miss. 

When Dr. Strand (hospital owner) was here for Beauregard, Amberly told her that although the other vet hastened Beauregard's death by giving him lasix that caused his kidneys to fail and caused him to stroke, she wanted her to know that we aren't angry with her.  Dr. Strand said she herself was aware this had happened, and appreciated our understanding.  

The next morning when Amberly went to get Beauregard to take him to the crematorium, the other vet came rushing to her, and held her in her arms.  I'm glad Amberly had opportunity to ease her mind, and help her find peace.  It was an accident.  Everyone tried hard, and did her best.  That's all we can ask.  

I figure I can cry on October 15th.  I have not cried, but I've had some really close calls.  I keep remembering, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  So far, so good.  I am grateful for your prayers, for you are helping me stay strong. 

Mia, I do take comfort in knowing Beauregard is not suffering any longer, yet images of his last days seem stamped on my eyeballs.  It was bad.  He was SO nauseated.  Cancer is a terrible thing, and it had spread throughout him before we even knew.  How in the world could that have happened without our knowing?!  I was right with him.  Amberly slept with him.  I thought I knew all there was to know about him "from A to Iszard."  

We waited for Connie in an effort to give him an easier death (we knew she is experienced and compassionate).  That was a mistake, because Connie didn't call until early afternoon, after we had arranged for Dr. Strand to be here.  I think mistakes at such times must be inevitable.  We do our very best, and still they wind up suffering, and we wind up feeling remorse for not doing things differently.  And the images torture our minds for a long time.  When this happens, we must deliberately guide our minds away to a place of safety.  

I'm starting to ramble and write my thoughts, which belong in a journal rather than here, so I will tell y'all Goodnight.  

Blessings and hugs all around,

Carrie

 

 

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Carrie , you have been through so much and yet you have been strong in Christ. I know that He is close to the broken-hearted. My heart grieves with you. What a terrible thing to have a loss again so soon after Callie. I am praying for healing and peace for you and your family. 

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Thank you, Carrie, for your words.  Thank you for your support and prayers.  

It seems there are Doxies and pictures of Doxies everywhere, and I'm not ready to look at them.  

I've made it thus far without crying, but I almost lost control at the ophthalmologist's office this afternoon.  Jerry went in, and sat in a corner facing me as the tech, who we've known for a long time, did my first refraction after my surgery.  With a little squinting, I had 20/20 vision with a prescription!  That was a huge surprise, because I'm not sure I've ever been 20/20.  Jerry and I both started tearing up while we sat grinning at each other.  The tech said to me, "You will NOT cry!"  I got a grip.  

Blessings,

Carrie

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Carrie, that is great news (your eyes)!  I haven't had 20/20 for many years, my Rxs are a compromise at best because of the compound issues I have.  I need cataract surgery too, am hoping it'll wait until I have Medicare as anything I do I have to pay for because of my high deductible.  It's challenging to read!

:When this happens, we must deliberately guide our minds away to a place of safety."  Such an important statement!

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