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No School Supplies


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I went from highschool, to college, to kindergarten with my daughter many years ago. I've never had a summer that didn't end with school supplies and back to school shopping. Until now. It's that season of back packs and new shoes, big binders, high hopes, football tryouts and lunch boxes. Except for me. I hadn't thought much about it until we strolled through Walmart yesterday buying toothbrushes when it smacked us both in the face. Aisles and aisles of moms with kids and pencils and new socks. I broke down right there and practically ran for the checkout line. My husband handled it better than I did, as usual.

So many things that I thought I'd be happy about, like not buying school supplies, a big empty house, sleeping in on Saturdays, a floor that's always clean, never needing a sitter, so so so many things I looked forward to as each year passed raising our family.

And now, without Matthew, these things aren't rewards for finally accomplishing motherhood and getting the last one off to college. These things feel like punishments.

The school buses will start coming every morning again to remind me that he isn't here. They will be there after work as well, to tell me he's not home, but all of the other kids are. No need to bake cookies. No homework to help with.

Back to school --- I hate it now.

Yes, I could buy them anyway and donate them to a family in need.

Sure, I could ignore the commercials and avoid the stores.

But will this happen every year for the rest of my life? Yes... yes it will.

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Oh Cindy, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, just please accept a cyber hug from me.

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Thanks Kay. I'm having a better day today, but I know what's in store for my weekend. It's tax free weekend here in Texas, the school supply mega weekend basically. I'll try to avoid facebook completely for the next month. I'll just check on my kids' pages and close it up. This year of firsts is so tough.

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It IS tough, and it's good that you have a plan in place as to how you're going to handle it.

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This morning my phone alerted me that it's the first day of football practice. I clicked on 'dismiss'. I feel so shattered. How do I dismiss? I drove an odd path to work to avoid driving by the school. I knew I'd end up watching young men in new jerseys gearing up for a new season, and Matthew won't be there. Maybe he is watching his friends break the first sweats of fall. I do hope so.

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(((hugs)))

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I gathered up what school supplies that Matthew had left that were not yet open or used and gave them all to our friend/neighbor. They were friends in school for 3 years. He seems really depressed but a big hug was all that I could offer him. I thought that I would be able to help if this situation arose, but I cannot. Not yet. I did talk to his mom about it the next day and believe that his parents will do their best to help him. I am trying to convince myself that it's not my job to fix this, as if it's a mess that my son left behind, and I should clean it up for him. Is it ok that I need more time before I am helpful?

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My dear Cindy, you are a mother who is living a mother's worst nightmare. You are doing your best to find your way through this horror. To think that you are ready, willing and able to "be there" for a friend's son in his depression is, to me, expecting far more of yourself than you are capable of giving, especially this early in your own grief journey. Of course it's okay if you need more time! I suspect that the big hug you gave that boy conveyed far more than any words you could have said, and presenting him with your Matthew's school supplies was more than generous and kind of you. Give yourself credit for managing to go that far! I think you're being way too hard on yourself.

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Of course it's okay to take time for yourself before helping others!  You aren't responsible for everyone else, and if you don't first take care of yourself, you won't be any good for anyone else.  I learned that lesson 40 years ago, in a very hard situation.  Sometimes it's just a double edged sword, it seems.  The boy probably has so many emotions running through him right now.  I'm hoping the school will make a counselor available for him.

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Dear Cindy,

My heart goes out to you.  It takes a while to get through the first year(s) of not buying school supplies even in ideal circumstances (children off to college).  A good mother's love is so deep and strong.  You are obviously a wonderful mother, and a kind friend.  I can only imagine how you feel.  My sister lived it.  Her teenage daughter was murdered.  Please know I care.  

As for helping your hurting neighbor, each of us is expected to help others as much as we can.  You helped all you can for now, and all you can is enough.   Sometimes there is nothing more healing than a warm and tender hug from a warm and kind heart.  You gave the best of what was needed to the boy.   You did well.  I think it's time for you to "come away and rest a while."  

Blessings and warm hugs,

Carrie

 

 

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