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My daughter lost her first baby, Isabel, and our first grandchild, suddenly and unexpectedly one day after birth. This was only 2 months ago and so we are shell shocked.

We were visiting a relative yesterday whose 11 year old son died 25 years ago. She immersed herself in all things Elisabeth Kubler Ross at the time and it gave her a lot of comfort. She works in the Health Sector and considers herself an authority on many things!

My daughter was crying as she was sharing a few of the details of Isabel's death and I instinctively moved across the room and sat down next to her, putting my arm around her as she continued talking. I had noticed as my daughter was crying she had been keeping a good distance from her even though they were sitting on the couch together.

The other woman told me later (privately) that I should not have come and touched my daughter. That if someone is talking, by physically touching them it "stops/shuts down the grief."

I was stunned when she said that as I had presumed a loving touch would open people up to expressing more emotion as they would feel "safe". I am expecting my natural instincts will always override an analytical and theoretical source.

Does anyone have any information on this EKR theory? I just can't seem to let it go and would like some advice.

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I'm so sorry to learn of the sudden, unexpected death of your first grandchild, Isabel, and my heart reaches out to you and your daughter. I can only imagine the depth of your pain, and as a mother and grandmother myself, I know from experience that being in pain yourself is bad enough, but seeing your child in pain is far, far worse. And for you as a grandmother to Isabel, this is a double loss.

In general, when a person is crying and you want to convey that it is okay to cry in your presence, it is true that rushing to offer a tissue or a hug might stifle those tears and give the impression that you are not comfortable with sorrow ~ but in the circumstances you describe, it seems to me that comforting one's own daughter would be the natural thing for a mother to do, and I see nothing "wrong" in your behavior. I don't know you or your daughter, but I doubt very much that she would have misread your intentions, since I assume you know each other quite well and she would feel safe and comforted in your embrace. This was a member of your family, after all ~ a person you know quite well ~ and I imagine this is not the first time she has cried in your presence and felt a need for your embrace. Besides, you share in this sorrow in a profound way, since you too are mourning the loss of your granddaughter.

How did your daughter react to your gesture at the time? You say that she continued talking, so from your description I would gather that what you intended to be "a loving touch" did not inhibit her in any way. In this situation, I think you were wise to trust and to follow your "natural instincts."

Your post reminds me of an article that you may find helpful: How To Handle A Friend's Tears

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Thank you so much Marty, your reply is comforting.

My daughter and I have, and always have had, an easy loving trusting relationship. We are close and this shared sadness has brought us even closer.

Since Isabel died we have both cried so much, both together and alone, that for me to comfort her when she was crying was basically reflex. She continued on with what she had been saying so I don't feel I curtailed that at all.

The article you sent to the link to is also very helpful helpful.

Should I let this go or somehow explain to the person that it was not a helpful thing to say?

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My dear, I think that is completely up to you. You know this person better than I, and I think you should follow your own heart and do whatever you think is best. That said, I think you have several options: You could choose to bear with your friend, to ignore her shortcomings and just let it go. On the other hand, If you have the need to do so, you can share your feelings about this incident with her and let her know what you needed from her instead. Or you can look to others who are more understanding to find the support you need and deserve.

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I am so sorry this person made you feel bad for trying to comfort your daughter. I would have done the same thing. I'm sorry for both you and her loss.

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I too am so very sorry for your loss. I know the impact it can have on a family, as I lost my 2 month old Erin to SIDS 30 years ago. My entire family was impacted for years. Many positive effects came too, in the long run. I pray that your family has these also in the years to come.

From what I've learned in the last few months, EKR theories, study, and book were based on anticipatory grief and were a study of people with fatal illnesses. It has been proven wrong in many ways, but not all, over the years since it's publishing. It's fame came from being a first in public studies and books concerning grief. But it is outdated no matter what anyone proves or disproves. If it were my family, I'd ignore your aunt's advice. Although it may have helped her, everyone's grief is different, and every family is different. What feels uncomfortable should be avoided, at least for now. Do what feels right.

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Amen to that!

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Thank you everyone for your kind words of support. Since Isabel died I have found it is often the "little things" (like the incident I described) that are the most hurtful and I know everyone here really understands that.

As an update: I did indeed explain to this person how her comment made me feel. She was extremely gracious and apologetic in her reply and in agreement that maternal instincts will inevitably override theory.

I still feel conflicted on the general principle though. When someone is crying, surely some gentle physical touch or offering a tissue for their tears is a sign you DO care? Or should I be listening to them without interruption and convey non physically they have my undivided attention?

I ask this because for me if someone listens as I cry but offers no obvious signs of comfort, **I** feel uncomfortable and am more likely to cut short what I am saying in order to minimise their discomfort.

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I think the key is to take your cue from the person you're intending to comfort, recognizing that everyone is different, and not everyone feels comfortable with being touched or hugged, and not everyone would want what you might consider comforting if you were in their shoes. It is very much an individual matter, and it's best to follow the person's lead rather than making an assumption that physical touch is okay ~ especially if you don't know the person very well. You can convey a lot of sincere caring and genuine comfort simply just by being present, by sitting next to the person, by your posture (turning toward the person), by your eye contact, the tone of your voice, the look on your face, and by your willingness just to stay with them, to be quiet and to listen. Also, you can simply ask a person who's crying if they need a hug, or if it would be okay for you to hug them.

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