Husband Died 2 Weeks Ago - So Sad

[Luna]

Hi everyone.

I've come here because I'm too sad to sleep and feel very alone facing a long dark road ahead. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly from a brain haemorrhage 15 days ago. He was fine until it happened. He collapsed in the shower and that was it. I'm now a widow at 42 with three children to raise who are also struggling with the loss of a very loving and wonderful Dad. I don't know how to cope with life without him. I needed him to support me even before this. I need him even more now. I just don't think I'm strong enough to do this.

[kayc]

Luna,

I'm so sorry you lost your husband. My husband also died unexpectedly at the age of 51, although my kids were grown. I lost my job a few months later. You will get through this, just as I did. I, too, was scared and feeling panicky when my husband died. i didn't see how I could possibly live without him, he was my life!

I think you'll find your children are a blessing. You will realize strengths inside of you that you didn't previously know existed. At least that's how it's been for me.

Your statement about him supporting you, I didn't know if you meant financially or otherwise. If you don't work outside the home and were dependent on his income, you can file for social security off his death benefits. You might also contact social services and see if they can give you suggestions for help, such as grants to go to college, or aid to help you support your children. Food stamps are another benefit if you're low income. Usually there's utilities supplement in the winter, you can contact your utility company. Everything helps, esp. when it's now on you to feed three children.

We will be here for you, to walk this journey with you, if you want us to. There are a lot of people here going through the same things that understand.

[MartyT]

My dear Luna, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know it feels as if you're not strong enough to do this, but we all know that you are strong enough, and you will find your way through this ~ especially with the comfort and the support you will find in this safe and caring place.

Your post reminds me of this quotation from A.A. Milne's Winnie the Pooh:

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you. ♥

[kevin]

Luna, my Wife died in the same manner one week ago today.......If not for the family and long time friends ,not sure what would have transpired.....The young children will be a blessing as they will keep you grounded/purposed?, if there is such a word.....I am in no hurry to get passed my grief as long as I remain functional.........what was said to me, speaking from the other sides..." Death is nothing at all, it does not count . I have only slipped into the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains the same." This goes on and if you believe in the afterlife, eternity compared to our small time in these bodies is fractional..best and prayers

[Luna]

Thank you for your kind replies. When I said I need him to support me, I meant emotionally rather than financially. I have a very dysfunctional family and my parents are not there for me when times are hard. I have no siblings. To make matters worse, we moved to a new city earlier this year and I don't know a lot of people here. I feel really angry with him for abandoning me right now. Then I feel guilty for being angry. I don't think moving back is an option because I'm earning a lot more here and that's going to be important now. I'm just so lonely and going through the hardest thing in my life. In some way I can see myself mustering the strength temporarily but I feel like I can't keep it up. I'm being worn down by constant futile thoughts, like 'what if he'd gone to the doctor?', 'what if this is just a nightmare? ', 'I wish it never happened', 'I wish he could come back', 'why is this happening to us?'etc. It's torture. I don't believe in the afterlife. I don't believe in God. I'm sure it must be very comforting to those who do, but I can't make myself believe. So it's just me and my painful thoughts.

[MartyT]

Luna, my dear, I'm so sorry that you are without the support of family and friends, and I can only imagine how isolated and alone you must feel. At some point ~ when you feel ready and have the time ~ you might consider reaching out to other young widows for the understanding, comfort and support that you need and deserve. I'm thinking especially of Soaring Spirits International, along with the other resources I've listed in this article: Resources for Young Widow(er)s

I hope it helps to know that the feelings you're having (anger, guilt, loneliness, why me, etc.) are both normal and understandable. Mustering your strength temporarily is all you need to do right now, because if you worry about the strength you're going to need to get through the rest of your life, you'll be completely overwhelmed at the thought of it. This is why I encourage you to stay in the present moment and focus only on what is happening and what needs to get done right now, and only for today. It may seem like a cliche, but it helps to take this grief just one day at a time, and if that seems like too much, shorten it to one hour and even one minute at a time. Focus just on getting through today instead of how you will manage for the rest of your life, and let that be enough.

As you come to know us here, you'll find that we offer lots of suggestions, articles, videos, sayings, encouragement, helpful hints, and tools you can use to find your way through this grief of yours. You are not alone, and we are here to walk this path with you.

[Luna]

Thank you. I know you're right. I don't think I've ever felt so completely powerless over my own life. I'm working so hard to keep the house running smoothly for the kids so they can feel like everything will be ok and their lives aren't going to disintegrate. It's exhausting. Am I doing the right thing for them? We're having lots of hugs too. I'm sharing my feelings with them but I'm also trying not to unload my grief onto them when they are having some happiness from the various distractions in their lives. My two teenagers are struggling with the loss but they don't talk much about their feelings, so we just hug and I tell them "We'll be strong. We can do this." My younger boy seems very sensitive right now. Everything reduces him to tears or causes him to fly into a rage. I'm being patient with him but I'm also telling him that behaviour rules won't change. Am I on the right track? I want to help them, but I don't know how.

[Suitearia]

Marty ... I love the pooh bear and quote. I am also taking it for myself as well. I have had a Boyd Bear that looks like a Pooh Bear that I've had for almost 20 years.

Luna, I am so sorry for your loss. On August 1st my husband had been gone 3 months. He'd been ill for many years; but regardless of how the moment of physical death comes it's no less shocking or devastating. I send you prayers ... I send my husband love everyday. That is something that I can do and now, after all of these weeks, sometimes, when I'm very very still I can feel the love coming back. ((here's a hug for you))

[MartyT]

Luna, my dear, you'll find lots of information online on helping children with grief (see list below for examples), but really it all boils down to this: The best way to take care of your children's grief is to take care of your own grief first. And yes, from what you've described, you most definitely are "on the right track." ♥

Helping Grieving Children: A List of Suggested Resources

Tips for Helping Children and Adolescents in Grief

Using Children's Books to Help With Grief

Teen Grief: Mourning The Death of A Parent

Children Grieve Too, But Not The Same As Adults

[JayNTeeforalways]

Hi Luna, I'm so sorry for your loss. lost my husband to sudden/unexpected death (cardiac arrest) on July 1st. We're both 35 yrs old. Yes, it's the hardest, most painful, most difficult, most unbearable pain ever. I cry everyday. Nothing seems right. My life, plans, world has changed literally overnight. I have not the right words to tell you, but that you're in my prayers and you've come to the right place. I came here for support the first week my love passed away and this group helped. It's okay to feel angry and express it him. Don't feel guilty. Grief is a roller coaster ride of emotions. Its confusing and scary. We just lost someone so close. It's like losing half of your heart. I was pretty heavily reliant on my love emotionally. He was my best friend I vented to, cried with and shared all my joy with too. I cry everyday. Its hard for you because at a time when you need to let lose and go with whatever emotion youre feeling, you have to be strong for your kids. Are there times and a safe place where you can take a moment and just cry? You'll need that for yourself. I do that when I need to, at home, at work, at church, anywhere. My heart still aches every waking moment, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I'll be thinking of you.

[kayc]

You might consider grief counseling for the kids too, maybe someone that is experienced with their ages. It's good for them to be able to express what they're feeling and not keep it all bottled up. Little ones can use drawing/coloring to express how they're feeling, we used that when my five year old's grandma died, at her teacher's suggestion.