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Tired Of Being Strong


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1 minute ago, MartyT said:

Thank you, George! I was hoping you would say something to Marg about this 

This part of grief is so new for me. My dream of learning to fly seems so unattainable when i look at it realistically and rationally (mature age, overweight, no money) but just thinking about this dream has started a spark for life that I lost when Rose Anne died.  Just pondering it gets me excited and looking forward to tomorrow. 

Since, all of this happened in a chance moment in time  Who knows what lies ahead in our lives that will bring us joy and happiness.  I couldn't see this possibility in the early period of my grief. We need to keep an open mind and open heart to what the future will bring.  - Shalom

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I'm pretty sure I will go George.  And I know how you feel about flying.  It seems there might be something "out there" to do yet.  I think some times my life is over, and we don't know what tomorrow holds.  I just wish some of our family members could get some relief.  We take small steps and we pray for those that need our prayers.  Thanks for your encouragement.  You feel good for a moment, but then you wonder should you.  We are gonna try it anyhow, okay?  It might change things for a moment anyhow.  

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It is kind of like a new "dance" learning to allow those happy moments and bits of excitement in our lives amongst the grief we carry.  I wrestle with the feeling as well.  This has been a tough week, for many reasons, and I was feeling so light this morning knowing it is Friday and that I have time to focus on getting some things done now that I am feeling much better.  I feel a positive force and it is confusing because I also miss Mark so very much.  His absence is ALWAYS present in my life.  I just learned yesterday that one of my closest colleagues, someone who is more family than a colleague resigned and will be leaving.  He was what Mark called my "work husband".  The day Mark died, he rushed to the hospital to be with me, and went with me to the funeral home to make arrangements.  He watched my dogs when I went off to Oregon to meet Theresa Caputo.  I don't think I have processed how this change is going to affect my life.  I read over the struggles that so many have on here, and I should feel thankful and blessed that my life for the most part holds no serious events to deal with.   Doesn't it feel sometimes when we are reveling in a good moment that we are kind of "letting go" of our loved one?  The idea of actually LETTING GO and MOVING ON still terrifies me. 

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25 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

The idea of actually LETTING GO and MOVING ON still terrifies me. 

Letting go; saying goodbye; I struggle with that as well.  I believe for me to move forward, to become Brad instead of BradnDeedo, I need to find a way to let her go, not have her a part of every thought.  I am trying but it is such a challenge.  This is not synonymous with removing her from my life, it is simply giving myself permission to find my new life without my wife.  She wants me to find happiness; she told me so in several notes and letters.  She wants me to find companionship.  She is and always will be my love and soulmate but she doesn't want me to spend my days in isolation and solitude.  Now the question remains: how do I find the energy to make the effort to reach out and open myself up for significant interaction with others?

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3 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

Doesn't it feel sometimes when we are reveling in a good moment that we are kind of "letting go" of our loved one?  

How many "good moments" do we get? How can we let go of something that is not here anymore?  I was not going to let go of Billy.  I was not going to let him die.  I did not get to play God, but I tried. That boy who was afraid of responsibility that I married just as he was turning 20, that kid, always the kid, but he worked two jobs for about nine years.  I have a lot of bitterness against the people we were responsible for, we were the enablers.  Billy telling me if I died my worries would be over and all the worries would be on the one left.  I do have to fight bitterness, right now it is my biggest road block.  

What it comes down to is we do what we have to do, and that is all we can do.  There is no one to let go of, he is already gone.  My grandmother saying at 18 years it was like it was yesterday my grandfather "left."   It is going to be two years this year, yet it was only yesterday Billy "left" me. 

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18 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

The Joy doesn't cancel out the grief. However, it is strange to be actually looking forward to something.  It would be easy to shut the anticipation of Joy down.  However, it is not selfish to experience Joy. 

So well put, George!  We have to give ourselves permission to feel happy.  Years and years ago I remember Marty posting an article on it and it transformed my thinking...I gave myself permission to be happy.  More than that, I've looked for joy, no matter how small.  It doesn't mean you don't miss them, it's okay to smile, to laugh, to feel happiness, it's desired even!  I have learned to coexist with my grief, it's with me always, a kind of sadness at missing him, but at the same time I can enjoy my granddaughter, I can enjoy a good movie, a great cup of coffee, a beautiful sky.

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I am sitting here thinking of what I have to do today and it just goes around and around in my head. I am trying to complete my list of thank you notes but I don't have addresses.

I  have a strange feeling that I can't really describe. It seems as in my mind I am swimming in shallow water and I am okay. Then it is like I plunge down deeper and that is when it hits me that my husband of 57 years is gone forever. For 58 years he has always been just a phone call away, whether he was working out of state or in Montgomery where we lived when he retired. MY HUSBAND'S LIFE IS OVER.  He was once a newborn baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager and then a grown man in the Air Force. He received a hardship discharge before his time was up because his daddy broke his neck and he returned home to help his mother and siblings.  I met him five years later when I was dating his younger brother in 1957. In 1958 I moved and worked in Birmingham, Al and lost touch with his brother and him and his other brother.  The brother I dated had gotten married.

One night my two friends and I came to my parents home for the weekend. We were passing a favorite hangout and I said I wish I could find Kenneth and Arlon. One of my girlfriends who knew them also said I saw a red chevrolet back at the Magic Grill, you know how they liked chevys. The girl driving whipped the car around and we drove up and there they were. The only car in the parking lot.  We got in the car with them and we rode around all night long. They were so funny we laughed and laughed and laughed. These two boys/men were so respectful of us. They never drank, cursed or told dirty jokes.  They were just nice, well behaved funny, happy guys. I am saying this because they divided their time working at home and then working in Miami. They just went whenever the mood struck them. So I found them in just a small window of time. If my friend hadn't seen the car and my other friend turned around I would probably never have run into them again and my life story would be different. They asked us out the next night and I happened to wind up sitting with Kenneth. And that was the beginning. He would drive to Birmingham and pick my up and take me home.  One night a bunch of us went to downtown Birmingham to see the elaborate Christmas displays in two big department stores. It was very cold and I had already seen the displays so I stayed in the car. And then I thought I should get out just to be polite. I walked up beside Kenneth and put my arm through his. He told me later that when I did that he looked down and thought I love this little girl. This was a man who had never been serious about another girl and like me he was as pure as fresh fallen snow. We met in Nov. A year later in Nov we were married. After 5 years we had three children along the way and they were all born in Nov. . Once I said to him everything good that has happened to us was in Nov.  But on Nov 1st 2016 he became sick and went to the hospital. On Nov 28th which was our wedding anniversary he was placed on hospice and died on Dec 13th. After Nov 28 he never spoke to me or our children again. Everything bad that has happened to us began in Nov.  And I can't believe that his life as ended. My house is so quiet. No sound of a cane tapping on the floor, No voice to talk to me. No one to put in the car and go out to eat or just riding somewhere.  No one to take to the river and push along a long concrete walking trail and see the blue birds or hear the lap of the water against the shore. A river that we rode up and down in our boat , camped beside. fished from Had fun with my mama and daddy and relatives when we all camped together. I could go on and on and you all know what I am talking about and how I feel. And I am so sorry for all of us.

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1 hour ago, martha jane said:

I  have a strange feeling that I can't really describe. It seems as in my mind I am swimming in shallow water and I am okay. Then it is like I plunge down deeper and that is when it hits me that my husband of 57 years is gone forever

I can relate so much to this feeling I think we all can. Feels like we are all floating in an alternate reality somewhere. I'm so sorry you have to feel like this also. 

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Martha Jane, I came back to our old hometown, to our old home parish, just to find some essence of the 54 years married and 55 years we were together.  I saw our first apartment, it was still standing, in good condition, someone rents it above a garage.  Billy wasn't there.  I rode to his little town where he graduated, a few miles up the road where we got married.  I live close to the hospital where our firstborn came along.  I passed the house twice in the neighboring city and the many years we were there were a blur of him coaching little league in all the sports for our son and daughter.  The parents loved him, the kids loved him, I loved him.  He was a wonderful parent and even better, if possible, grandparent and loved kids.  Lots of water under the bridge that we used to put the boat in and go fishing early mornings when I'd get off work, if he was off.  So many memories.  Our high schools have both been torn down and the schools in the parish consolidated.  Billy would never live in an apartment again.  But, he would understand why I need to hear people.  He would not want to hear them though.  I cannot find him anywhere anymore.  Even the essence is gone from where we lived the longest and I will never go back to where he passed, we planned on leaving anyhow.  Like I put somwhere else, quoting a book I am supposed to read each morning for motivation.  Get up.  Survive.  Go back to bed.  I think your at the time that I could numb-down sometimes.  I cannot do that anymore.  Quoting Rose Kennedy, time does not heal but it provides scar tissue over the wound.  I wish you peace my friend.  I understand.  We all do.

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I had to go to the bigger town from where I live and I went the only main road that was traveled the most back when I lived at home. The first house I passed was where one of his best friends lived. It is empty and boarded up. Then I passed the street that you turned into where he lived with his parents and brothers and sisters. Then I passed the Magic Grill where we met. It is closed and in really bad shape. I passed closed up Sombero where we loved the salads. I passed Melody Lane where we used to go. I passed the shut down laundry and torn down grocery store where we washed our clothes and bought groceries. I passed the carpenters union hall, the furniture store where we bought our first furniture which is now a Mexican church. and the street where you turned to go to our first apartment, where he laughingly carried me across the threshold. Passed the shut down telephone company where I worked. On and On until I came to the hospital where our daughters were born and he died. It was a very painful trip. But I had the radio on and a song that was played at his funeral came on. The same thing happened when I went to a car dealer to buy a better car. Two songs played over their sound system that we used at his funeral. My daughter and I just looked at each other and I asked Have they got my CD? I know that I am boring every one who reads this but I have to share these feelings with someone. I try not to say to much to my kids because they live away and feel bad that they can't be with me. My daughter in Vermont wants me to come visit her but I don't want to right now. My son in San Fransisco wants me to visit. I love SF but I don't want to go right now. My daughter in Montgomery is on her way to my house and I thank God that she is coming to spend the weekend and go pick up the car I bought. This house is so lonely, just me and my cat. Will I ever survive this and come out on the other side before I myself die?

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Oh, Martha Jane,

"Will I ever survive this and come out on the other side before I myself die". I think that is a question so many of us ask ourselves, especially those of us that have been on this earth for a while. I have survived 3+ years without the man I met one night at a stoplight, the man who used to holler at me from the other end of the house knowing full well I couldn't hear what he was saying. He knew I would come to his side. I'm still waiting for that yell once more. I have survived for 2+ years without the golden haired child who dreamed of one day having horses and bless her heart, she fulfilled that dream. The key word here is SURVIVE. Yes, I have learned how to survive, but not to live without loneliness, emptiness, and pain. I'm not sure I ever will.

Never think that you are boring anyone with your sweet, wonderful, sad memories. We all have them and we all share them. We feel your pain.

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I so remember going back to where we were raised, grew up, met and married for our 50th anniversary. Our kids were arguing sbout time, place, etc. to celebrate and unfortunately it got quite heated. So i said "lets take a trip down memory lane" and we did. We saw the first place we .lived...a four plex...now with bars on the windows, the town had really gone down. The church we were married in, and can you imagine the bakery where we purchased our wedding cake was still there. When we told the man he gave us "anniversary cookies", we saw the houses our children were born in, where we worked, etc. it was wonderful and I am so glad I came up with the idea. Later, our kids said well maybe we can agree to disagree for your 55th...not going to happen, will be 52 years February 6th. Suppose I will be writing here on that day for sure! Wonderful memories!

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Martha Jane,

Thank you for sharing your story with us...those stories of how we got together and built our life together are so sweet to us.  It's something indelibly etched into us, those beautiful memories console us now.

Yes, you will get used to this and learn to live with it.  It takes much time and effort but, we get there, one day at a time.

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  • 3 months later...

Today is our aniversary. The third without him here. I want to wake up from this spiritual hell I'm living. I came back to my functioning routine quite successfully but my life is empty and lacks of sense and purpose. I don't know how I will make it through this day without breaking in tears. Oh yes, by being strong, resilient, numb and so on...

My former life must have been just a dream.

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Ana, I don't know how anyone could say it any better.  I look up into the clouds on a cloudy day and want to see his sweet face, but he took my magic, mysticism imagination with him.  Now, it seems like it is so long since I have seen him and all I can bring up in my mind is his death face and Billy was so much more than that.  He had an ego that would be stupefied, horrified at my remembering that.  

Cannot wish a happy anniversary, that would be words that cannot be true.  I wish you as peaceful anniversary as can be had.  On our first anniversary apart, I bought him a card and wrote the sentiments I would have written if he had been here, then I said "but your not here" and I know he is in my heart, I know we do not lose them out of our heart, but somehow they are empty words for an empty heart.  

And as to marking days, the only way I know what day it is, is when I have to remember to record a favored TV show.  I forgot NCIS-LA last week.  Or was that yesterday?  I never know.  One day is the same as the other.  I wanted to go out and look at the moon last night, I talk to Billy then, but I have let myself get paranoid by the parking lot incident at Walmart and know I am just silly.   

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Ana,

I'm sorry, I know how hard these days are to get through.  I just hope you have a friend to go to lunch with, and can drown your sorrows in a good movie to hold your attention tonight.  Even three years is still so fresh...it seems like yesterday to me, I remember it too well...

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6 hours ago, scba said:

My former life must have been just a dream

.

But it was a good dream Ana. I hope today finds some peace for you in the happy memories you will always have.

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23 hours ago, scba said:

Today is our aniversary. The third without him here. I want to wake up from this spiritual hell I'm living. I came back to my functioning routine quite successfully but my life is empty and lacks of sense and purpose. I don't know how I will make it through this day without breaking in tears. Oh yes, by being strong, resilient, numb and so on...

My former life must have been just a dream.

No Ana, your  former life wasn't a dream. It was very real and very wonderful. And it's the reason you're hurting so much and feel so lost.

All of us lost our true zest for life when we lost our soul mate.

I totally know what you mean about life lacking any purpose. We're all just trying to find our way. This new life is so different, so difficult and so nearly impossible to find motivation in. Like you, I function and function rather well but at the end of the day I still wonder "where is the meaning in this life"? On the one hand, I'll admit I feel more like myself than I did two years ago, but, this life still is a mystery in many ways. I guess it's all baby steps. We all are still learning to live and adapt to a world without the person who made our life better. Who loved us like no other.

As far as being strong and resilient etc.. you've shown that you certainly are. As far as making it through the day without tears? If you need to cry, CRY.

I'm so sorry we all have to live with so much pain.

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Thanks for sharing everyone.  I get so depressed thinking there must be something really wrong with me that after almost 2 years (June 13th) I still feel so empty, lonely and lacking in direction.  This must take so much longer than I ever imagined. 

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On ‎05‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 7:59 AM, scba said:

Today is our aniversary. The third without him here. I want to wake up from this spiritual hell I'm living. I came back to my functioning routine quite successfully but my life is empty and lacks of sense and purpose. I don't know how I will make it through this day without breaking in tears. Oh yes, by being strong, resilient, numb and so on...

My former life must have been just a dream.

I know you're not supposed to say this, but I know how you feel.  Functioning but lacking inside...everyone thinking you're all back to normal because you are functioning on the outside....no one sees all the misery inside.  Feel for you.....this is so hard.  Hugs to you, Cookie

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On ‎01‎/‎27‎/‎2017 at 1:50 PM, AB3 said:

I can relate so much to this feeling I think we all can. Feels like we are all floating in an alternate reality somewhere. I'm so sorry you have to feel like this also. 

Oh my goodness, 57 years and I thought 47 was a lot.....it is shocking to be without that person when you've spent almost your whole life with them.  So sorry for us all.  Hugs, Cookie

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