Tired Of Being Strong

[Autumn2]

3 hours ago, Cookie said:

Oh my goodness, 57 years and I thought 47 was a lot.....it is shocking to be without that person when you've spent almost your whole life with them.  So sorry for us all.  Hugs, Cookie

For us 53 years. I hate to be  morbid,  and I am not suicidal But the one good thing about being married so long is I probably wont be around that long to suffer that much longer.  Guess I could live to be 90 or 100 but when you hurt so bad that doesnt seem possible. So I take one day at a time and dont  much worry about the future. It is what it is.

 

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Autumn2 said:

It is what it is.

For sure.  Thankful for 54, wanted 54 more years.  Sometimes we dream the impossible.  

[kayc]

It's Martha Jane that had 57 years, not AB3, she quoted her.

[Cookie]

On ‎05‎/‎15‎/‎2017 at 4:05 PM, Autumn2 said:

For us 53 years. I hate to be  morbid,  and I am not suicidal But the one good thing about being married so long is I probably wont be around that long to suffer that much longer.  Guess I could live to be 90 or 100 but when you hurt so bad that doesnt seem possible. So I take one day at a time and dont  much worry about the future. It is what it is.

 

I agree.  I also think maybe being older is a weird blessing.  It doesn't seem like I can live into my 90s with this pain...Cookie

[Eagle-96]

1 hour ago, Cookie said:

I agree.  I also think maybe being older is a weird blessing.  It doesn't seem like I can live into my 90s with this pain...Cookie

That is part of what scares me. I am only 45 and I fear a long life without Lori. It's hard to bare. It's strange, before this happened I always used to fear sickness and death because I didn't want to leave Lori behind. I didn't want her to suffer this pain we all know. Now I don't fear death. I know that in the blink of an eye I will be with her again and that removes the fear from me. It's a surreal 180 for me.

[Margm]

I am sorry for us all.  Honestly, the empathy I feel is tremendous.  And, like Autumn, (54 years for me and Billy), and with my health problems, I don't worry too much about the future.  That doctor that gave me the antidepressant (a new kind she said), with me saying I did not want them, I think if I had taken more than that one, I would have left before I get to see Brianna get her education.  I might not make it all the way, or any more of the way, but I don't need a damn doctor to hasten my slide.  

Just watched on the news this 93-94 year old woman trying on four dresses for her wedding and asking social network to help her pick one.  She models all four.  Right after that they told about two over 90 year old people that are getting married and he drives 100 miles each week just to take her dancing.  I know most of you say "never again" but we all know, never say never.  (I do say never), but this is happening to people in their 90's and we know our friends that find someone else, but somehow or other, some of us it just makes us angry to think of being with someone else.  My two "girlfriends" who lost their husbands, they are my age, and they are having the time of their life.  I'm happy for them and maybe if I start losing weight and putting on makeup again.............watch out.  

Addendum:  You know in reading this I am reminded of a pastor we used to have.  His beautiful wife loved makeup.  She really didn't need it she was so naturally beautiful.  Some of the gossipy women were heard though and that sweetheart of a pastor, in one of his sermons it led to him mentioning that "a little red paint never hurt any old barn."  I don't think it was brought up again in gossip, but he was right, a little red paint never hurt any old barn.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

That is part of what scares me. I am only 45 and I fear a long life without Lori

I was 52 when George died, my family lives well into their 90s so my worry was I'd have to do another 40 years.  That's why I go back to "one day at a time", I can't handle thinking about 40 years without him!

[scba]

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/blog/2017/6/04/sad-but-true

I suggest this article I read today. Change names, pronouns and your relationship with the deceased. I think it powerfully describes grief.

Ps. I haven't watched Jackie yet. I think I will

 

[Gwenivere]

I watched Jackie as soon as it was available to rent.  It's a hard film to watch, but certainly should have had GRIEF as the costar.  She was so uttterly alone with so much going on around her.   There are many scenes of her seeking counsel from a priest and one in particular I rewatched several times because he tried to help her see there was no meaning to be found as she desperately was trying.  He didn't resort to the standard 'gods will' statement.  She fought so hard for the burial procession and where John would be buried.  Truly a strong woman, but also experienced what we all do.  She lost the love of her life first and foremost.  How she dealt with the violence of it I do not know.

[Eagle-96]

11 hours ago, scba said:

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/blog/2017/6/04/sad-but-true

I suggest this article I read today. Change names, pronouns and your relationship with the deceased. I think it powerfully describes grief.

Ps. I haven't watched Jackie yet. I think I will

 

Amazing article. Thank you for posting it. 

[kayc]

I was struck by this line, "When nearly everything feels taken or tainted, that inner voice is about all that remains. "  My daughter is feeling that now.  Her strength is all that remains.  That and her sorrow.

I don't have access to the movie, but hopefully one day it'll be available for me to watch.  It sounds powerful.

 

[TomPB]

I used to worry about my health because I didn't want to miss any time with Susan. Now I have no fear of a quick death - would welcome it - but the prospect of going slowly without her by my side is horrible. So yeah, keeping it in the day is the only way to stay sane, but I can't always do that.

[Margm]

I am a coward,  but it seemed perfectly reasonable for me to take those 50 pain pills, walk way back in those Arkansas woods, and they were thick and massive.  No one would have found me for months, maybe years.  Of course I was only thinking of myself and Billy, and then religion came into the problem.  Then at 3 days I found this forum.  Still, I hope God understands, but if I have some terrible illness that I would be a burden on my family, I hope I have enough courage to go to that state that allows this.  Am I wrong?  Is it Oregon?  No one wants to be a burden on their loved ones.  I saw my mom linger for 11 years.  I had a family and lived away from home, but my sister was alone and the burden fell on her.  (My mom was deathly afraid of nursing homes and did not ever want to leave her home.)  I know my mom was a mastermind sometimes, and it was to the point of maybe insanity, like she said, "that fine line."  Mama would never let go of a penny unnecessarily, but she "invested" in my sister's education for years and years.  Probably three degrees over her lifetime. My sister never accepted anything but an "A" for her grade and expected more if possible.  That investment of my mother's took 11 years out of my sister's life.  Can we do such a thing to our children?  But, is it true that in China, after age 60, it is the law for the family to take care of the elderly.  To me 60 is a young person.  Old might be 86.  I fit in there somewhere.  I don't want to be taken care of.  I want to take care of myself (however that fits into the equation) since my healthcare provider left rather suddenly.  

[kayc]

It is Oregon, you have to meet qualifiers, like being terminal, have a doctor that refers you for it.  I don't judge others for doing it, I understand, especially with debilitating illnesses like ALS, but for myself, my spiritual beliefs factor in.

[Gwenivere]

It's an option here too, Kay.  I've got forms posted for EMTs to not do snything to save me or try and prevent me from being disabled if I lived.  The state offers advanced directives as well that can be accessed by contact people in emergencies of your wishes in case you can't speak for yourself.  For me, if I cannot live in my home or take care of myself, I do not wish to remain.  23 years at as a nursing home volunteer has me seeing things in a very different light than it did in my late 30's thru 50's.  Now that Steve is gone, my reason for life has fled as well.  It's been two and a half years and I seem to be going the opposite way of the progress I see in so many here.  Mine is from being alone, truly alone.  I'm not in a physical prison beyond health problems, but mentally it is like living in solitary confinement.  I know my mind is not clear, tho it feels it, but I have searched every nook and cranny for a reason to hang on and have found nothing.  Life without love shared is no life to me.  What is interesting is I keep loving him more so the pain is worse every day.

[TomPB]

Everyone heard "Beloved Wife" by Natalie Merchant? On her blog someone writes:

"It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch."

That statement has been attributed to everyone from William Alfred to Spalding Gray. The first time I heard it was when I was listening to a radio story about the journalist Page Smith. In a column Smith wrote about old age and dying, he made this statement: "The consolations of an old marriage are the good news. The bad news is that one partner in a marriage, however idyllic, will pre-decease the other." Then he quoted the words above. When his wife of 53 years died in 1995, he lasted all of two days before succumbing to his own death.

I suppose stories like this should prevent even the most hard-hearted of us from thinking that the story told in Beloved Wife is the stuff of overly romantic imagining. Then there's the real-life inspiration for the song.

"My grandmother fell into a coma in 1983, and my grandfather would sit with her for hours and hours. She passed away, and three days later he did too. He willed himself to go with her." - Natalie Merchant, Denver Post - November 1995

 

[Margm]

I don't know if this even fits here, but when has that ever mattered to me.  Knowing Billy was dying was sprung on me so fast I denied it.  I don't even remember what my daughter told me last night.  When Dr. Southerland was in the room telling us we could not take him out of the hospital because his treatment had already started, I was just wanting to take him back to our smaller hospital.  They had told me his type of cancer would be treated the same way no matter where we went.  I don't even remember him saying this "Don't you all know that I know what is going on?"  I don't remember it because I was not going to let it happen.  I was going to have a miracle.  Then God demoted me to a regular person.  Our main doctor knew my feelings and she wrote out the orders to leave.  I had talked to our oncologist that had got so excited about my Factor IX blood disorder, it was one of two hospitals I retired from, they literally saved my life and I was going to have another miracle.  The oncologist told me that the other doctor was wrong, I could have left that hospital right then, but instead I let them put Billy through pain I could have prevented if I had had a backbone.  

16 minutes ago, TomPB said:

When his wife of 53 years died in 1995, he lasted all of two days before succumbing to his own death.

Tom, I wanted to go too but Billy had told me "the one left must stay."  Hurt my feelings.  Doug Flutie's parents died within minutes of each other, I believe.  My friend's brother-in-law passed away.  His wife, at the "viewing" had a heart attack and passed away.  No matter how bad I wanted to go, religion stood in my way, and also Billy saying that the one left must stay.  I think of the funeral director at Billy's last place to be, he was married 66-years-and directed hundreds of grieving people.  He had just lost his wife of 66 years and his lips were put in a permanent smile, but his eyes were the saddest things and told his story.  They said every evening he would just go sit at the graveside and talk to her.  Lots of living and dying, but sometimes we don't have a choice, we have to stay behind.  And how I hope that when we meet again, it will be glorious.  I am Baptist (mustard seed Baptist).  

[scba]

[Margm]

Too true.........

[scba]

On Thursday, June 08, 2017 at 3:11 PM, Marg M said:

But, is it true that in China, after age 60, it is the law for the family to take care of the elderly.  

Hello Marg, I'm glad to reply to this question!

A law from 2013, says that sons are requested to visit their parents frequently and attend to their "spiritual needs". In some chinese cities, like Shangai, this law goes further in stating that parents could take their sons to court if they fail with that. However, the real application of this law is difficult. What is "frequently". In a virtual world of this century, what is "to visit" and "spiritual needs"? What about sons that live in a different city? So far, there haven't been cases of sons going to court or to jail for failing to comply with that law. So It remains a moral rule To look after parents and elderly people, which is a strong tradition in China and other countries like Japan. Where elderly people are shown much more respect than in western societies.  

 

 

[Margm]

Well, I  used to have a cartoon of a group of people putting the elderly out on an ice floe and pushing them out to sea.  Not many ice floes in Louisiana, guess I'm safe.  Thanks Ana.  

[Gwenivere]

20 hours ago, Marg M said:

I Tom, I wanted to go too but Billy had told me "the one left must stay."  Hurt my feelings.  

Marg, I hate to disagree with your Billy, but I don't feel what he said is true.  We always have the option and choice to leave.  Many have beliefs that prevent that, but it is always a choice.  Steve even told me his plans if something happened to me and staying just til our dogs left and was pretty sure he would not want to live in the hell I do now and he could only imagine it.  I guess that's the daily struggle for me as each day gets harder than the last.  Caring less and less about Hingis that kept me going even during the first 2 years.  Well into my 3rd it's become so real I'm on my own forever.

[Margm]

19 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 Well into my 3rd it's become so real I'm on my own forever.

Since Billy left I do not plan my life.  I hope I can stay long enough for Brianna to find a life.  But, that is something I don't do anymore, I don't look ahead.  I'm in this apartment, I take Brianna to school and to the doctor, but I don't plan for myself.  I think that goes along with what we are all suffering from.  I know that Jackie and Rose depended on their faith.  After my daughter spent three years being molested by the youth minister, I was so distraught I went inside a Catholic church.  Actually, the priest's brother was one of our doctor's at my hospital (I didn't know ahead of time), but I needed reassurance, my church was breaking up and he told me evil happened in the Catholic church also.  Well, I know all this.  But, after the nun praying holding my hand each day I was supposed to be dying, I felt such peace.  So, if one thing does not work, why not try something else?  

But my last emotion to Billy was anger for giving up, so what do I know about anything.  I know nothing.

[kevin]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

So, if one thing does not work, why not try something else?  

Very true words.......I don't like knowing I'm in a rut.....so it is best I recognize it and do something about it......Took items to the Charity Thrift store and managed to pull  something in my back lifting a bicycle.....too wet to mow grass anyway...Took a few Advils and strteching out now..........Some one quoted me something from a Psalm 30.5(b)...Weeping may come in the evening but joy comes with the morning.....  

[Margm]

One show Billy would always  record was one called Heartland, filmed in Canada with Canadian actors.  So, I guess you all from Canada know all about it.  Today, before Brianna got up, I made myself watch some of the shows.  It did not hurt near as bad as I thought it would.  Beautiful country.  Good clean series.