Guilt After My Father's Passing

[lisav]

My father passed away one month ago. In addition to being filled with sadness and grief, I have been struggling with tremendous guilt. This is because my father's death was preventable. About one month before his passing my father stopped eating and complained of chest pain. My sister called a doctor but my father sent him away. As the days passed my father's condition got worse. I begged him to see a doctor and threatened to call an ambulance. My father refused to seek any medical attention and insisted that he would get better on his own. My mother, sister and I stopped arguing with him, hoping that if the situation got severe enough that he would give us permission to intervene. Then, three and a half weeks after he stopped eating, he stopped drinking. At that point we called an ambulance. He was taken to the hospital where he was diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm. He was immediately operated on. The surgery was successful, however he suffered a massive stroke one day later and passed away. I have been told by many that it was my father's decision to refuse medical attention and responsible for his own fate. Despite this I feel somewhat responsible for his passing by not being aggressive enough and forcing him to seek help. I know that acceptance and healing come with time but I am concerned that the guilt I feel will prevent this from occurring. I am wondering if there are others out there struggling with, or who have struggled with, guilt around the passing of a loved one and I wish to know what steps others have taken to overcome their guilt.

[iPraiseHim]

lisav,

It is very common to blame oneself. I did the same. I would suggest you read others post here to help you understand and cope with this journey of grief. Search Shock and Awe for my postings and many others here. This is a safe sanctuary where you can ask questions, share, and learn about how you and other handle the grief of loss. Welcome and please come back and share as you are able. Shalom

[MartyT]

My dear, I invite you to read this article, asI think it could have been written just for you: Guilt In The Wake Of A Parent's Death ~ and make sure to follow the links listed in the Related Articles section too.

[kayc]

I felt the same way when my husband passed away because he had a heart attack (he was Diabetic). I didn't allow sugar in the house because I didn't want to contribute to anything possibly happening. I am not a nag, and while I didn't like his smoking, I understood his reasons for it (he had anxiety and antianxiety medicine had side effects he didn't want to live with) and supported his right to make his own decisions, as he was a grown man and I'm not his mother. Now I know the symptoms he suffered were indicative of heart problems, but at the time, I didn't. (pain in ankle?) He'd been seeing a doctor and I suggested he try one close to his work or get a second opinion as this doctor didn't send him to a cardiologist (he complained of shortness of breath and tightness in his chest) and didn't seem to be taking him seriously, but he never did call and make an appt. with someone else. Now I wish I had nagged him! Now I wish I'd taken the bull by the horns and...

But in all reality, you can't always force someone to do what you think they should. And it might not have made any difference to the outcome. And the truth is, it was their decision to live how they chose. And we didn't know then what we know now. The TRUTH is, we do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time. None of us willed our loved ones to die, nor did we contribute to their death.

It is our emotions talking that make us feel guilty. In dealing with our grief and our emotions, I think the so called guilt feelings we experience can lessen, esp. as we come to understand ourselves. This grief journey is neither quick nor easy, it requires great effort from us, and sometimes it takes the guidance of a grief counselor to help guide us through it.

[KATPILOT]

Exactly accurate and correct Kayc! Hard as it may be sometimes to rid ourselves of guilt, what you say is so true. I can only hope I will not do the same to my own children that they should be in the position of having to struggle with unfounded guilt. Men can often be a bit stubborn. My dad certainly was. Perhaps the last gift I can give them is to allow them to direct me. I should write this down and stick it on my fridge so they can hold it up to me later.

[lisav]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I am sorry to hear about your husband kayc. You couldn't have known about his condition, just as I couldn't have known about my father's condition. What you said is so true, that had we forced our loved ones to make changes or seek help the outcomes may not have been any different. Guilt is such an awful emotion. I feel that the sadness will ease with time but I am concerned that the guilt will stick around. Has anyone had success with grief counseling? I am considering it at this point. I agree with KATPILOT in that I will ensure my loved ones do not have to deal with this type of guilt after my passing. Sadness and grief are tough enough  

[kayc]

I think most of us have had grief counseling at some point.  It helps you navigate through the uncharted territory of grief and think of things you hadn't thought of, it just helps you cope.

[MartyT]

My dear, as a grief counselor myself, I'm obviously a firm believer in going after all the support you can find. You are worth it, and you deserve it. ♥

You might find this post to be of interest: Voices of Experience: Me? Need a Hospice Grief Counselor? No Way!