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Another perfect dog dies, my Tray


Tray'sMom

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Awake at 11:30 pm last night, reliving Tray's seizure two weeks ago to the day and hour, and then finally slept in a pool of tears. Awake again at 2am, reliving the debate of euthanizing, two weeks ago to the day and hour. Never slept again last night as 3am arrived, time of his death, which tore my heart out anew. My perfect dog has been gone two weeks and I feel like it's me that's dying for two weeks. Tray was my heart dog whose presence has gotten me through the past 3 years of huge challenges: my cancer survival, Tray's brother's death, Rocky, due to cancer, deaths of two friends and 13 weeks ago, the death of my father.  Now I hug a pillow and pretend.  My husband doesn't relate to grief of this level so I try to spare him and hold my meltdowns for when he's not home.  In some ways I admire his practicality and his awareness and acceptance of the impermanence of all life.  I only know those things and do not feel them or live them. I want Tray back in my life and that is all I feel.  

I'm grateful to have found this group of people sharing their feelings and wisdom about surviving a loss of a precious, innocent, gift of this world, our fur babies.  Though actually in some ways my grief is amplified because I don't want any of us to suffer.  But as someone once told me, "if you want to avoid suffering, you're on the wrong planet."  I wouldn't give up my life with Tray for anything, so I guess I just have to suffer through this huge loss and chasm in my heart.

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One look in those pensive eyes and I can see why Tray has your heart.  I am so sorry you lost him...and for all of your challenges and losses.  It is the hardest thing in the world!  Our grief matches our love, and the harder we love, the deeper the pain we feel at their loss.  You are a loving person, it is evident.

Your friend's statement is harsh but I'm afraid, true.  Yet with all of the suffering, I would choose to live, for all of it is deeply experienced and what makes it all precious.

I pray you find some solace and comfort and that sleep come to you to fill your need.  

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Beautiful boy!  And i agree---his eyes are wonderful.

We all share your pain and know how this goes.   It is a challenge to live each day after such a loss.

My sympathy, Marj

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What a beautiful baby!  I cried looking at his picture, knowing your pain and also that such a precious sweetie is gone from your life.  What you said, "I want Tray back in my life, that is all I feel" is exactly how I feel about losing my beloved Spooky.  It's like everywhere I turn there is no relief because the light of my life is gone; the one I shared my life with for 21 years.

You have been through so much adversity in what I am assuming was such a short period of time.  That is almost too much for a person to bear.

We are here for you anytime you need to spill out your grief.  We understand exactly what you are going through.  May God give you the comfort you need in this time of sorrow in dealing with so many losses, as well as the strength you need as far as dealing with you own cancer survival!  Bless you!

~ Mia ~

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Tears flowed reading about Tray. What a beautiful dog. I understand what you mean about a "heart dog." You are brave and you are not alone. Those who come here know about the pain of losing a precious animal. It helps to share with those who understand.

Anne

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My dear, your Tray looks exactly like a dog I had as a kid, aptly named "Shadow" since she followed me everywhere. We were inseparable and I loved her with all my heart.

Please know that, as others here have said, we truly do understand and honor the close relationships we have with our precious animal companions, and we certainly know the pain that comes when we must bid them a final farewell.

I hope you will find some way to memorialize your beloved Tray. When my precious Tibetan terrier Beringer died, that was the only thing that got me through those early days of gut-wrenching grief. As an example, I found every picture we'd ever taken of him and arranged the best ones into a photo book. The program I used was one I found online, and it was user-friendly and simple enough for me to understand, even through my tears. Today it's one of the most treasured books in my library. 

Whatever way you choose to capture your memories of Tray, I urge you to try it. It can be a useful and effective way to replace all the sad memories of his last days with you, enabling you to focus on the good years and wonderful times you had together.

(You'll find more suggestions here: Memorializing Pets We Have Lost.) 

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I am so grateful to know that you all understand how sad, disoriented, and even a bit angry I feel about my precious Tray dying. I love that you see in his eyes what I see.  He was so knowing and intuitive.  Today I went to the library and fairly arbitrarily selected a book about grieving a pet's loss.  Today was one of those days where I intensely felt his absence hour after hour.  The book I chose is written by Jon Katz entitled, Going Home, Finding Peace When Pets Die.  I opened to the intro of the book when I sat in my car unable to drive.  The first words struck me hard: "It was my birthday Aug 8, 2005..." when Jon's returning home with his dog's euthanized body. August 8, 2015 is when Tray was euthanized. I know it's likely a mere coincidence the month and days match, but it makes me hopeful Jon Katz's book is going to help me heal.  As talking to you is going to help me heal.  And I will try a memorial activity eventually.  I have both my dog' ashes with plans to spread them, but those plans are history for now.  I want to hold on. The ups and downs are dizzying but reading your words, feeling your empathy, do give me hope I will level out eventually.  But not yet...And to all of you who lost your little ones, bless you and may you feel some joy eventually, then always, as it is well deserved for the great loving you gave and received so dearly with your precious fur baby.  Thank you.

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I'd hold on to his ashes as long as I felt the desire to, you will know if/when the time is right to scatter or bury them.  If I lost my dog, I'm afraid I'd want his ashes with me as well, but I guess you don't really know how you'll feel until you go through it.  I just think I'd find comfort having them near me.  I hope the book helps, the title sounds good.  That is weird that the days matched, perhaps it's a confirmation to you.

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So terribly sorry for all of your losses. I know what it is to lose that "perfect dog". I feel that way completely. Id tell you your boy was gorgeous, but you already know that! Its such a rollercoaster. I have also hung onto my dog Chesters ashes. It takes a while to unravel all of the complex emotions that come out of this kind of loss. I hope you find some comfort in sharing on here. There are some great people on this site with wonderful suggestions!

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