One Year

[sharirouse]

September 7th is the one year mark and Im scared for monday. Im suppressing it and I know I shouldnt but its my natural reaction apparently. Im afraid to deal with the pain. I keep telling myself Im to busy to cry at night. I just put it off for another night. Im just scared.

I know its coming out of me though because Ive had this new urge to sleep under my bed in the corner. In my student housing apartment, my bed is about 2 feet off the floor and pushed in a corner and Its appealing to me. And Ive started my regular trips to taco bell again. I was going to write a post about the day he died, just to let myself feel all the things I need to feel. To open up that sore spot and really let it all out but Im scared. I want to be alone and cry without the fear of being heard. 

On a positive note, Im starting to figure out how my dad talks to me. He's like a whisper in my head. (Cue the burning in the back of my throat)

[MartyT]

Shari, my dear, what you are feeling now reminds me of the blog post written by our Maria Kubitz just last week; you may find it helpful: Anticipation of a Difficult Day Is Always Worse Than The Day Itself.  See also Tips for Coping With Anniversary Reactions in Grief . 

[kayc]

Oh so true!

[sharirouse]

Marty, thanks for that, I read those and some of the articles that were associated with them. The other night I was thinking about that day and I could remember everything vividly. Like how blue the sky was, what the room smelled like (this one is fading.) The sounds, everything and they hurt my soul. 

So far I think Ill be okay. We are going to bring him flowers and then Im going to do whatever I feel that day. Basically do "nothing" unless I feel the need. My mom asked me how I was doing and I told her that its been a long year. So long. The seasons went by fast due to school, if that makes any sense, but it was such a long year, it really felt like 20. 

And Kay, which part are you agreeing with?

[kayc]

Anticipation is often worse than the day itself.

[sharirouse]

Now that its been a month since Ive replied, it wasnt too bad. Got him flowers, left them at his house and hung out with my aunt (his sister). I teared up at but when getting him flowers but not too bad. I lost it a different day though. Its just such a surreal feeling. 

[kayc]

I've found that sometimes the day we're anticipating with dread and trepidation, often goes better than the anticipation.  But it can (and does) hit us at any given time, unexpected and with force.  I'm glad the day went alright for you.

[jame57]

Very true Kayc.  Over here in the UK the Christmas stuff appeared on the supermarket shelves (in September!)......I'm already thinking about it again but as I found last year, the anticipation and build-up is worse than the day itself.  I planned my day in advance last year and it helped.  I doubt I'll go to Christmas Day service again.....too many beautiful memories.  

Sharirouse, I'm glad you got through the anniversary.  It sure is tough and I wouldn't feel at all worried about losing it....it's the most natural feeling in the world (but that doesn't help it at the time does it.