Mom Passed July 23rd

[Dave58]

After a year long marathon, in home hospice, living with her and taking care of her, she died with me by her side at home at 8:15 am.She was 93 and lost her sight completely by 2013. The last year she was bed bound. She was experiencing 'death rattle' the last hours of life.That is another story in itself, her actual passing. I had been a recluse for years before that taking care of her, not going out, even for a beer. So when it was all over, it was like I was coming out of a coma and re-discovering the world. But what got me, and I don't understand why, is how the news of my mothers passing had spread among people of my religious organization. When I went to meetings freely and saw people I hadn't seen in 'years' the first thing whey said was 'sorry about your mom'. I had a knee jerk reaction, 'how did you find out'??? It really bothered me. Then one person after another, I mean people I didn't really know well at all and who didn't even know my mom said it. It really got me angry, but I'm not sure why. This is such an intensely personal thing that I was offended that it seemed like gossip among people that I hardly even knew. My mom was my life and reason for living for years. They could not even begin to understand or imagine what I've been through. I felt it was my own personal business and if I wanted them to know I would tell them. So my question  is, why am I angry, does this make any sense to you? Thanks

 

[Ceili]

Dave - I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. As I am sure you know, grief can include so many intense emotions, including anger. Sometimes they make sense, sometimes they don't. My mom died this past March and I was her caretaker as well. I have found that most of my feelings don't make sense. Your anger could be the result of so many things that may make themselves known to you as you travel this crummy journey called grief. Whatever the cause of your anger, be patient with it and yourself. As a caretaker, I have had anger towards my own siblings thinking that even they could not understand. And you know what? Not having been the primary caretaker as I was, they don't understand. As with you, caring for my mom for 3 years was my life. Her passing has left an enormous hole in my heart. It sounds like you gave up so much to care for your mom: other people can't understand your exact experience. Sometimes I feel anger at my mom for leaving me ignoring the fact that she was sick and elderly. I hope you find some comfort in the fact that you gave your mom an invaluable gift...your caring.

[kayc]

Dave, I am so sorry.  My mom died a year ago at age 92. She went through a lot at the end (dementia) and was no longer ambulatory.

Grief commonly can bring about anger that may or may not make sense or be befitting the situation.  In other words, when we're grieving, we can be thin skinned.  It helps to remember that people mean well and probably did not intend to or even know they were offending you.  I live in a small town and accept that everyone here knows everything even before it happens.  

No, no one knows what you've been through except you, but many of them have had their own losses so can relate on some level.  

It does help to see a grief counselor.

[Dave58]

Yeah your both right. I guess to some extent I'm a very private person, loner. It can't get more personal than your mom. Just didn't feel like in a sense itwas the kind of 'news' that people just let fly. Privacy is a hard thing to come by these days. I'm a privacy advocate, and it just gets me sick how people canprobe into your life without consent or awareness. Dealing with all these new disturbing feelings and having practically strangers aware of the situation just got to me. There are some people who are 'gossipers'. They love talking about other peoples business, things that are private. This even created a riff between me and a friend, who I think was the 'instigator'. Ceili, this was my experience as well. I got little to no help from my brothers and sister. Despite my pleading with them to call at all or more often, to just say hi to their mother, for some reason they didn't. My one brother when I asked him if he had an 'issue' with it, he said "don't even go there". So along with learning about care giving in real time, I also learned a lot about my family and the whole 'concept' of family. Being the youngest, I always looked up to them, now only to realize that they look down on me. Wow!!! That's almost as hard as loosing my life long best friend. It's been a long journey just to get to this point. What consoles me is knowing I was able to keep her here at home, every chance I had I would kiss her forehead and on the nose and tell her how much I loved her and what a great mom she was. I was able to tell her that I loved her just before she passed, She didn't die in a nursing home with people that didn't care about her. She was at home, in her own bed.

[enna]

It is such a very sad time in our lives when we have to face that time when we lose a parent who has been with us from our beginning. Please know that you are not alone when it comes to privacy issues. Many of us are like that. I am so glad that you were able to keep your mother in her home and that you were able to express your love for her daily. 

I agree with both Kay and Ceili about feeling anger whether it be toward others or even toward ourselves. Caregiving is such a selfless action and we all do the best we know how. 

Anne

[kayc]

My mom was in a dementia care center, but the people who worked there were very caring, I think it takes a special person to do that for a job because they know they're going to be heartbroken again, it's inevitable.  I visited my mom on a regular basis, but it was two hours from my home, and in a high traffic area, so not always easy, but I wish I could have been there more.  A couple of my sisters only came twice a year, one couldn't come because she's quadriplegic but we took my mom to see her.  One sister chose not to visit her but we finally got her out there a couple of times.  It was hard when my mom would ask about someone and I'd have to tell her they were dead, she kept forgetting.  

Dementia is a very unique disease and situation.

I guess if people bring it up to you that you could just tell them you'd rather not talk about it and keep going.  Some people are not so private and would take offense at no one inquiring, so that makes it hard for the public to know how to respond, and they may not know how you feel  about it and may naturally make some mistakes.  It'd take someone close to you to know that about you so it will be strangers that err.