Feeling responsible for Mom's death

[Celia58]

My Mom passed away in late July.  She was almost 93 and overall her health was good.  She lived at her home but after a broken hip surgery she first required 24/7 care, then she had a 24 h caregiver from Mondays to Fridays but she left and we could only get a replacement who would come during the day Mondays to Fridays.  She was supposed to stay overnight whenever my Mom needed her.

I live very far from my Mom, in another country, 16 h flight.   I had a good, though not perfect relationship and I deeply cared for her.  I took time off when she had the surgery, I would call in the weekends and talked for hours, I would go to visit about a month each year.  My sister lives in the same city as my Mom but their relationship was not that good during the last years.  My sister would provide material and economical help, as I did, but not much else; would visit a few minutes on Saturdays and on special occasions.  She had an attitude towards my mother and I tried in vain to tell her to be kinder. She believes the elderly belong to a nursing home

My Mom died of a heart attack at home on a Saturday .  Looking at it this way, it is not a bad way to die.   But my problems relate to the days before her death, when I failed to see and/ or act in her best interests.  I called her on Tuesday evening and she told me she fell that morning, and tried to get up but didn’t have the strength.  She said she misstepped.  The caregiver was about to arrive, so I told her there was no need to strain herself.  But she said she did it because she wanted to get up alone.  She said the leg was hurting a lot and I told her to call a doctor and in the meantime (since she was alone) to ask a neighbour to give her a hand with supper.  She refused.  I thought of telling my sister but considered it counterproductive   (my Mom had forbidden the caregiver to tell us that she fell, especially my sister; I found out by chance because I called that Tuesday).   I called Wednesday morning and she said she was sore, I told her to ask the caregiver to give her a massage but I cannot remember if I reminded her that the caregiver should stay if needed.  I called that night again and she told me she was feeling better.  I felt relieved.  But when I called her the next evening, she told me she had had the worst night in her life.  That she fell again, when alone at night, in the bedroom, that she fought to get up and couldn’t, until her strength gave up on her and fell asleep “like a dog on the floor", that she was cold (it is winter there although the floor is carpet), and couldn’t call anyone because she didn’t have the phone with her.  She was really distraught and said that she was “good for nothing, look of what has become of myself”.  I was broken-hearted, speechless, numb.  I asked how she fell and she said that because she was feeling better, she “was careless” but I couldn’t get out of her exactly what happened (I spoke recently to the caregiver and she didn’t know either).   The caregiver found her in the morning and helped her to bed and brought her hot food until she left later that day. I told her to call the doctor and she said that she was going to get through this, and if she didn’t “one day I have to go” (but she had said that many times).  Again I did not tell my sister even if I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen.  The next day (Friday) I had a day trip but I called her as soon I got to destination.  She seemed OK, I told her again to call the doctor and she said that she just needed to rest.  Later on, I thought to call her before returning home (I was arriving very late) but I was afraid that, if she was in bed, she would get up and fall again.  So I called on Saturday morning.  My sister was there and she said my Mom had not gotten up for breakfast and told her what happened that week and my sister said to call the doctor and she told her not to, because that would be an excuse to send her after to a nursing home.  They started arguing.  I tried to intervene by phone.  My mom said not to worry, that she would not be a burden for too long, that she had lived long enough (again she had said it before).  I told her that we cared for her and she said I did but my sister didn’t.  I tried to mend things up and for a moment things got a lot worse until I told them to bury the hatched and show some love to each other instead of conflict.  Things calmed down,  my Mom went to eat something, and my sister said she thought at one point she fell asleep, but then continued eating.   She said she was going to check on Mom Sunday and I thought to myself if it wouldn’t be too late, but said nothing.  My sister said she ate well and then went to bed.  I called later than afternoon as I always did on Saturdays, and my Mom was gone.

I know I failed her.  Every decision I made that week was the wrong one.  My Mom trusted me and my opinion, although she was very stubborn and would probably had done what she wanted.  Nevertheless I failed to tell my sister because I did not want a confrontation about the nursing home, but should have dealt with that if the time came.  I am pretty sure I forgot to remind her that the caregiver had to stay overnight if needed.  We could have called the doctor even if she refused.  I was very worried but didn’t act with urgency.  She didn’t have to fall the second time had I done something.  Even on Saturday, I got involved in an argument I never wanted to.   Things got so confusing that instead of dealing with the important issue (her health), it went on a tangent.  The physical strain and stress of being unable to get up, the cold (apparently she grabbed the pillow but not a cover/clothes) and the argument on Saturday was probably the perfect recipe for a heart attack.  Now I have to live with that, now I have to live knowing that I contributed to her death, the death of the person I loved the most in my life.  Outside myself I continue with my “normal” life, but each time my mind is not occupied, it drifts to those last 4 days my Mom was alive and all the mistakes I made that precipitated her death.  I know I couldn’t predict the future, that maybe the end result could have been the same or worse, that nothing will bring her back, that I had no intent to harm her, acted on what I thought was the best and that she would hate to see me this way (she said at one point she was more worried about me than her).  But the fact remains that, had I done at least 1 thing right that week, she shouldn’t have died that day.

[kayc]

I am sorry for your loss.  You know, sometimes we do feel like we fail someone, not because we meant to, but because we just didn't realize how things were.  Oftentimes elderly, in their desire to remain independent, downplay how they're feeling...or sometimes quite the opposite in their bid for attention.  When we aren't there, sometimes it's hard to know exactly how things are.

Tell your mom how much you love her and how sorry you're feeling for what she went through.  Who knows, maybe they can hear us.  If not, it's still good to express ourselves instead of bottling it up.

I do hope you'll see a grief counselor to help you through this.  I think we all make mistakes concerning our parents...as our kids will with us.

My best to you...

[Dave58]

Celia, I can't imagine how you could have tried harder, living in another country. I lived with my Mom at 93 as her care taker before she passed late July, and that was hard enough. We all wish our parents could have lived longer, that we could have done a better job. I think about about that a lot, 'what if...what if...' You did the best job you could have done. If anything, your sister and or whoever else was involved need to reflect on themselves. It's not your fault. Your Mom sounds like mine in that she recognized the end was near, that others were struggling to take care of her. The situation as it unfolded in real time was as new and unknown to you as it was for your Mom. There is no real predicting what well happen next and when.

Don't go hard on yourself. Be glad you helped her enough that she was able to stay at home and pass away at home. That IS REALLY A BIG DEAL, and a  great accomplishment on your part. I'm sure she felt more at peace passing away in her own bed in her own home. Hat's off to you for your genuine concern and love for your Mom during one of the most difficult times of her life. So many people give up on their parents, and put them into homes. And a lot of them do it because they just can't be bothered.

I had many a nights going into her room where she would be screaming and yelling at 3 am, knocking down TVs and pulling wires out of the wall as her dementia progressed. The only thing that got me through all that was that I loved her from the bottom of my heart, knowing she never gave up on me when I was in a tough spot. You need to know this because as I'm finding, that remembrance is an important part of dealing with the grief. Knowing, under the circumstances, with the complexities of family relations,  you did the best you could, you did. Take care and stick around. This is really a great place to get support.

[Cathyc]

I went through the very same thing when my brother died, in terms of second guessing every little thing I did or did not do before he passed. I'm not sure why we do that, but I think it is part of the grieving process. For me, the commonality was also in obsessing over the last 3 days of his life.

From reading your post several times, I can't see how you could have done anything differently. Everything you did was either out of very thoughtful intentions, or from being stunned at how quickly things were changing and happening.  

What stands out to me is the extent to which you were being sensitive to your Mom's wishes and trying to prevent the conflict and her being upset about moving.  You also need to remember that had you done anything differently, the outcome might have been worse for your mother.

Since I am going through this myself, I don't have advice but just want you to know you are not alone in having these thoughts and experiences. You probably would have the same tortuous regrets no matter what. Thankfully, from your account, we can say it sounds like you did the best that any human could do.

[Ceili]

Ceila - I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved mom. I lost my 87 year old mom 6 months ago and was her caretaker for three years. As I read your post, I saw it as one written by someone who thought of herr mom's best interest every step of the way. We do the best that we can at the time, being unable to read the future. My mom become very stubborn the last year of her life and was ready to die. I questioned decisions that I made as well. I have discovered that as caregivers we need to be gentle with ourselves and trust our hearts in order to come to grips with our overwhelming responsibilities and subsequent losses. I have yet to get there and feel such a hole in my life. I still cry everyday, but have to accept where I am in my grief process. It is not easy, but talk to someone you feel comfortable with. Come to this site and receive love and support from those of us who have had similar (yet very different) experiences. We are here for you.

[MartyT]

My dear Celia, I hope the responses you've received so far will help to ease the guilt you're feeling ~ and I hope you'll take time to read this article as well: Guilt In The Wake of A Parent's Death. Notice, too, all the links I've listed at the base of the piece, under the heading Related Articles. I hope that doing so will assure you that you are not alone in how you are reacting to the death of your mother. ♥

[Celia58]

Hello everyone

 

Thank you very much for your words of support and for sharing your own, painful experiences, and your unbiased point of view.    And for the love you send.  I am sorry for your losses as well.    At times I feel I am not the only to blame and get angry at my Mom.  She was very stubborn too and did crazy things.  Like taking showers when there was nobody around the house.  I guess that in her mind, she felt she could still be independent, the same way she was adamant when she wanted to get up the 1st time she fell, which was minutes away from the time the caregiver arrived.  That is why I think that the 2nd time she fell and could not get up, it must have devastating for her and just gave up on life .  We think of alternative scenarios and happy endings but it is true that, had she gone to the hospital, the outcome could have been the same or worse. Still I can hear her voice of despair and frustration that Thursday and that, and my questioning, won't go away easily.  But I see that I am not alone having those feelings, and hope that in due time you and those with similar experiences, can be kinder on ourselves.

[Dave58]

One thing I noticed is that my Mom was frustrated at slowly loosing her independence. I think any of us would. They want to keep on going on their own.She had a few bad falls as well. I just couldn't convince her to not walk around without me being there. At one point I got her a portable toilet next to her bed so she didn't have to walk to the bathroom at night. She lost most of her sight a few years before as well.

Going to the hospital for an elderly person can cause an enormous amount of stress. That can be what does them in  itself. The home hospice company I used offered a service where they would take her in for a few days to give the care taker a break. But I knew that it would frighten her not having me around and cause her undue stress. As much as I needed a break, there were times when I thought I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't allow her to undergo a potential stressful situation. There were days I was a total zombie from lack of sleep, days on end, because I had to keep going into her room at night when she was anxious. The last 7 months or so we were using Seroquel to help ease her anxiety. But it took a while to figure out the dosage. I'd have to crush 1/4 25mg pill and put it in a banana with a touch of honey. She would eat that and be just enough to make her feel relaxed again. Some night's I'd have to do this 2 or 3 times. When I went to bed, I never knew if I would get any sleep, never knew what kind of a night I'd have. There was a constant sense of tension, I could never relax.

 

When she passed, there was a sense of relief mixed in with the grief of the loss. I felt like Frodo Baggins at the end of "Return Of The King", last of the Lord Of The Rings movies where he was on that boulder and lava was  coming down the mountain and rocks flying through the air. It was finally over, that constant tension was gone. But then came what I have feared, her being gone and would I be able to handle that. There have been a few times where I came close to loosing it, hanging on by a thread. But having a source of spiritual renewal, a life philosophy with a understanding of death and the eternity of life, has been the only thing I've had to hang onto. Watching your life long best friend die right in front of you was really hard. But in my case it was to be expected. I can't imagine how much harder it must be for people where the death was not expected.

[Celia58]

Dave58. What you have done for your Mom speaks volume of the kind of son you were, and she must have been proud of you

My Mom also had a portable toilet from the time she had hip surgery, and I told her to put it in her bedroom after the 2nd fall.  Of course she refused.  Although I will never know exactly why she fell the 2nd time, I suspect that she was feeling better so she did not want to use the cane that she used outdoors and that she was using since she 1st fall the day before.  She said she felt overconfident because she was feeling better and made a mistake.  The more I think about it, her death looks like it has written "fear of lossing independence" all over.  So sad, I think she wasn't there yet.

[kayc]

They have such a hard time adjusting to loss of independence.  I'm going through it with a neighbor lady I've lived by for 38 years, she's 90 and having falls and is at the point where she can't drive anymore, she's so hunched over, yet if her son asks her is she needs anything, she'l say, "No, I'm fine"...until she isn't.  My heart goes out to them, but at the same time there comes a time for them to accept that they need help.

[Celia58]

Hi Kayc.  My Mom only accepted help when she broke her hip 3 year ago.  Before that she had a lady who would come each 2 weeks to clean the apartment.  I had already told her she needed someone a few hours to help her running errands but she said she was OK.  After the hip surgery she needed 24/7 but when she recovered, the weekend caregiver just took off and my mom was quite happy about it because they didn't get along at all.  She said she could manage.  The other lady who was with her for 2.5 years Monday to Friday was quite good to her and they got along but then her husband moved back to their country and she left too in december.  Unfortunately we couldn't get a full time replacement that could be trusted.  My Mom was hesitant at the beginning thinking that she was going to be alone at night so many days, so we were going to continue looking.  But then she said that actually she preferred someone just during the day.  That proved to be a mistake, too.  But I asked her if he was sure and she said yes.  Anyway, last year she fainted while the full time caregiver was in another room and hit her head against a bookshelf.  So being with company doesn't mean 100 % safety either, although for sure it's safer.  Anyway, that time she refused to call a doctor as well and she only did so 5 days later because she was tired of me insisting on it.  She prohibited the caregiver to tell the full truth to my sister which was that she fainted 4 times that day in a matter of 1 h (she told her she just fell).  Later on, she had studies done but nothing came up   This time I unfortunately couldn't convince her to call a doctor

[Dave58]

My Aunt, in England, who was really my only supporter during the last year of my Moms life, had a fall in her home. She lived alone for the most part but did have help.The stress of the hospital visit and what they tried to do to treat her was to much and she died there. She was 90. When my nephew from England called to tell me,it was like having the rug pulled out from under my life. She was my only true Allie. She used to call every Sunday to talk to my Mom because international calls were free.I was getting no  support from my Brothers or Sister, it was all on me. It was a lot of pressure to be under and her care was totally my responsibility, it was a heavy burden.

 

I also had a hard time finding the right 'in home health care ' people. We went through about 9 of them before we found the right 2. And even then, one of them was getting a little to complacent and sloppy, was late a lot, and I had to replace her. Though my Mom could not see, she was still well aware of the peoples disposition, vibe and character. It's not easy finding people who really care about their work and the patients they take care of. Some of the nurses that came weekly didn't even say hello to her when they came into her room, and talked about her like she wasn't there. I found health care professionals who were like that to be somewhat distant and cold.

But Celia, you were able to keep your Mom at home. You should feel really good about that, that should be something to hang onto in remembrance of that experience.

 

 

[Celia58]

Indeed it is not easy to find the right caregivers.  I don't think my Mom had a good relationship with the last one.  Unfortunately she came recommended by someone who has worked for my sister for years and my sister, I and even my Mom trust that lady a lot.  But they never worked together, they know each other from school, so maybe she doesn't know how she interacts with the elderly.  I asked her about the last days of my Mom and she said that she was OK, that she told her to call the doctor and that she could stay overnight (as the agreement was).  I don't fully believe her.  Sure about the doctor, but why would my Mom say no to staying?  The lady who left in December stayed for the weekend when my Mom fainted that time.   I don't see why my mother would refuse, unless for the fear that my sister was going to find out (we were both paying for the caregiver).  But my Mom could have paid her for a night.  Her last day, my Mom said a lot of not very nice things about her, like the day before she had vomited and the caregiver was only throwing her some paper to clean herself.  The woman says my Mom didn't vomit.  I had asked my Mom many times if she was OK and I could notice in her voice she was not too convinced but said "she is a good person but with little patience".  I suggested to change and my Mom said they were all the same.  When I called the day after her 1st fall, the caregiver answered and I asked how my Mom was, and she said that everything was OK, then passed the phone to my Mom.  I found it at the time very annoying that she would say that, considering my Mom had fallen the day before.  That's why I wasn't to keen in calling her to ask what was going on, because I thought she was either not too sharp or she was going to take the easy way out.  Later on the, caregiver said that my Mom basically took the phone from her, but the other caregiver had ways of telling me that things were not so good, like hesitating in her answer, rather than saying "everything is very good!" like this one.  I think my Mom thought that if she started falling like that she would need 24 h care, and that anguished her more,probably. 

[kayc]

I found that even if you have a good care facility (The courts ordered my mom to 24/7 lockdown facility because of her advanced dementia), it still requires hands on approach.  I had to be aware of how she was being handled, what they fed her, etc. and I felt like a go-between mediating services for her.  My brother was the conservator and I'm sure he felt like that even more so.

[Celia58]

The hands on would have been my sister's duty, since I was not there or, when I was, the caregivers would take vacation.  Unfortunately I doubt my sister was doing too much of it except checking if the house was clean.  She had already said that if Mom didn't get along with the new caregiver, she would be placed in a nursing home.  I told her that that would not happen.  I doubt my sis ever asked how the caregiver was, and I doubt my Mom would tell her of any concerns.  Mom told me of a couple but she said they were under control.  However the last conversation we had before her death, she said a lot of things I was unaware of.  Nothing of the abusive kind, but some things that showed that the caregiver was not very empathetic or patient.  Evidently her care and her quality of life and even her passing would have been better if my sister was on Mom's side, but that was not the case even if i spoke to her many times about it.  Why the relationship strained is a mistery to me, my sister's arguments didn't make sense.  I don't want to get mad at my sister because she is the only significant family I have but i feel that somehow she robbed Mom of a little bit of her enjoyment of life and lifespan, and robbed me of having her.  I suspect she would tell me that I should have moved back to my country of origin if I wanted that.  But all that was needed from my sister was a bit of compassion and love instead of bad attitude.  I tried to fill the gap but I know my Mom suffered about this.  I guess at one point her failing body and the perspective of what was to come was too overwhelming.  I also feel that she didn't trust me in that I told her many times nobody was going to send her to a nursing home

[Dave58]

"But all that was needed from my sister was a bit of compassion and love instead of bad attitude." Exactly how I felt about my brothers and sister. Though I did get some support from my sister, none from the oldest and other hardly anything. Aging and dieing are one of the most difficult times of life for people. No one wants to think about death or how to care for difficult to care for elderly people. I had 2 home care agencies that I worked with. One day a new girl showed up and seemed unprepared and dis-shoveled. She couldn't find the number to clock into with the agency. They use the home phone to clock in. She was struggling through her purse, papers, I was like, what is going on? You don't know the number? Then she asked to see the patient. I showed her into her room, the first thing they do is see if her depends need changing. So I left. In about 5 or 6 minutes, I heard her cry out. I went in there, she was holding her leg up in the air for some reason and was frightened by this lady. She asked me not to leave. As the day went on I could see she wasn't taking care of my Mom and making her comfortable.  I asked her to leave. It seems there are a lot of West African women who do this type of work. Some of them are very stern and cold. They just don't care and are putting in their time. I understand that they don't get paid all that well and have to put up with a lot of abuse, and it's not their Mom.

Here's a pic of my Mom with the 2 care professionals we used for over a year. Both had their strong points and offered my Mom friendly conversation during the 7 hours they were here.

[kayc]

Oh Ceili, I'm so sorry your sister told your mom that!  That is a total "close down" statement!  It closes communication instead of keeping it open.  A lot of people speak without thought and it doesn't have the desired effect.

 

Dave, is that your mom?  She's lovely even in her situation.  My mom was cute too, but her last couple of days she looked wretched, so gaunt, beyond frail.  

[Ceili]

Dave your mom does look lovely despite her situation. So sorry for your loss. My mom looked really young until the last 6 months of her life. Then she failed rapidly. Just like your mom Kayc, she was gaunt and frail. People would stare at her as if she were contagious. I think of a picture of her that my dad loved...she was 20 and an absolutely gorgeous young women. I have to laugh - we would take trips to the mall before she began declining and little old men would hit on her (this was after my dad had passed). She would get all giggly and her Irish cheeks would get bright pink . There was a man she dated for about a year. Being a very proud lady, she stopped seeing him once she started to decline. I had met him just one time and was shocked to see him crying near the casket at her funeral. I wish that she had not stopped seeing him when she started failing.He told her it did not matter to him that he just wanted to be there for her. "For God sake" he said." I am 89 and you are 87...aren't we past that?" I guess she wasn't. Just stubborn.

[Celia58]

Indeed Dave, your Mom looks lovely despite her situation; she probably could feel the care from these 2 ladies as well. 

KayC, my sister didn't tell my Mom directly, she told me.  But my Mom knew she my sister felt about nursing homes from comments she made about her friend's parents, most of which were placed in nursing homes.  Mom also knew of this couple whose kids went to school with us; the wife started to have dementia and the husband had a heart attack but was OK otherwise.  They lived in their house and could pay for their care themselves.  Unfortunately the daughters had power of attorney and 2 of them tricked them one day saying that they were taking them to the doctor.  In fact they took them to a nursing home and left them there.  The man died not long after.  I thought it was like kidnapping someone, let alone that they kept/stole their parents money once they were in the nursing home.   But my sister didn't see it that way.  That's why my Mom was terrified that she would be taken to the hospital for a check-up and if things were not OK, she thought she would be shipped to a nursing home right after.  Silly on her part if that was the case. I wouldn't have allowed it even if it meant to have a fight with my sister.

And Ceili, my Mom was stubborn too and couldn't see herself failing.  When she fell the 1st time I asked her why she didn't wait for the caregiver, she was just a few minutes away.  She told me:because I wanted to stand up on my own and couldn't.  Sure to try, but if she couldn't there was no need for the extra effort.  The same the 2nd time, she was in the bedroom, she could have tried to stand up once or twice but when she couldn't, she could have covered herself and just sleep.  She grabbed the pillow after all, the closet was at arms length as well as the clothes she had been wearing before going to sleep.  Go figure, to me it was pride and stubbornness, and it destroyed her.

[Dave58]

My oldest brother had POA as well but was MIA during the last few years of my Moms life. He could have swooped in and had her put into a NH, and threatened to, as he put it in a rather nasty letter to me "liquidate her assets and put her into long term care". He wrote this complaining about me and thought "at some point I won't be able to handle this", taking care of my Mom. I had limited POA, and thought that i did have medical POA but didn't. That's a terrible thing tricking someone into a NH. Man that is bad karma.

My Mom had her falls. Nobody was going to tell her don't try walking without someone there. Once she fell in her bathroom, hit her head on the door frame and was bleeding down her face. She ended up getting neck fractures from that. Celia, if you don't mind me saying, destroyed is rather a harsh word. I would say 'contributed' to the events that lead to her passing. You did the best you could.

 

Thanks for the kind words. My Mom was in the WAF(Womens Air Force) during WW2, stiff upper lip English woman! She was a class act her whole life, faced down every tough situation that came her way. Never turned her back on anyone and even faced her decline the best she could. I remember one morning she woke up and said "I thought I was going to wake up dead"! She was so happy. She new the end was coming and did the best she could.

[Celia58]

Dave; yes, maybe "destroyed" is too much.  She had been in tough situations before and managed to get out of them.  She even said that she was going to get through this, and if she didn't, one day she had to go.  I guess she took the decision that if her body was still worth taking care of itself, then it was OK.  And probably the body was, this time, not so strong and couldn't cope.  Your Mom's disposition sounds like mine: a fighter.  Maybe there was an underlying medical cause that developed; during the previous weeks, she had spoken on some weird things that happened, e.g. leg cramps, coughs, chess pain (she attributed to her back after she was working 1 afternoon with the plants).  I told her to check them out, but didn't think they could be lethal.  The 1st time she fell, she said there were some bread crumbs on the floor and she slipped.  Who knows, maybe she had a mini-stroke or just got dizzy and didn't want to admit it.  She was saying all her body hurt,  but at one point she mentioned that she hoped that she would "recover the use of the leg".  I tried to get details of what she meant but she was unclear, just said it hurt when she walked.  I asked if she could move it (thinking of a stroke) and she said yes, so I figured it was from the fall, or from forcing to get up (which is also a possibility).  And the events that lead to the 2nd fall were even more confusing, she started ranting that she didn't have a cell phone (though she had a wireless) but never got to the bottom of the reason, either with or without intention.  That's why I keep telling myself that if she had not fallen the 2nd time, she would have not died that Saturday.  But who knows what had happened next.  Even when she was OK (that is until the last week) she would take unnecessary risks, e.g. take showers when nobody was around, go to the balcony to take care of the plants and I am sure she didn't take the phone either.  She said it was too big, but I said put it in her pocket and then leave it on a chair.  Anyways, she lived by her rules as much as she could and died by them.  Even if I wasn't going to allow that she was placed in a NH, probably she would need some more supervision and that would limit her freedom too.  With the last caregiver, she told me that after lunch she would rush her to take a nap, even if my Mom didn't want to.  She said the caregiver wanted to get rid of her so she could watch TV.  I am sure she didn't want to add to that.  Who knows, maybe if I get to be 92 one day I will understand her behaviour; that's what she used to answer when she would tell me that she had lived too long and was tired and I would go ballistic trying to keep her interested in life.