Dad passed suddenly

[Converse826]

Growing up my dad wasn't around because he was doing drugs and was a drug dealer. He ended up going to prison for a few years. I've always had an intense longing for a relationship with my dad and we connected through myspace back when I was about 12. I ended up meeting him and we talked over the phone or on the internet ever since. I love him.

My dad died in march very suddenly. He was in a car accident, I guess he lost control of his car and it flipped over into a ditch. I didn't find out until a week later. He hadn't been responding to my facebook messages and so I googled his name for some reason. I found the online news article detailing his car accident. 

I have so many conflicting emotions but I am mostly just depressed. I long to hug him and make sure he knows that I love him. I long for him so much I've spent like 150 dollars calling psychic mediums. I don't even know what I believe and if I am religious or not, I'm just desperate. At the same time I'm somehow still angry I guess because of his absence. The loneliness is killing me. When he was alive I was able to call him about my problems or just to catch up. I just want to call him. I keep thinking about the pain he was probably in. After he was discovered they took him to the hospital and he died later that night. I just imagine him laying in a ditch and I feel terrible. I wish there was something I could have done. He was all alone in pain. I feel so empty....also angry because no one on my dads side of the family messaged me or tried to get in contact with me about what happened, I had to read all the details from an article. And I won't be invited to my own dads funeral because no one in his family knows me ( but they know of me) :'(

[kayc]

I am sorry for your loss.  Relationships aren't always one way or another, but multi-faceted, and it sounds like your relationship with your dad was that...same as mine with my parents was.  You don't say your age, but it sounds like you're still young.

I hope you will see a grief counselor to help you through this...insurance usually covers it.

I am sorry your dad's family didn't let you know, that is real hard to take (that happened to my older sisters that had a different dad than me).  It can make you feel excluded by the very people you feel the need to draw close to during a loss.  I hope you will tell them how it made you feel, just try to speak calmly when you talk to them so they'll be more likely to hear what you're saying instead of getting defensive.  Were they aware that you and your dad had talked in recent years?

It's okay to talk to your dad right now...tell him how you feel...all of it.  Who knows but what he can hear you?  I talk to my husband all the time and he's been gone ten years.  No one who has lost someone close would think you're crazy.  The others who haven't been through it, what does it matter what they think?

Would it be possible for you to slip into the back at the funeral, since no one knows you, they wouldn't know to object...besides, no one should have the right to deny you attendance at your own dad's funeral no matter what the circumstances in the past!

My best regards to you.

[MartyT]

My friend, your story reminds me of a youngster who found himself in a situation similar to yours, having missed an opportunity to pay his respects to his loved one who had died. I invite you to read the response I wrote to him, in hopes that it may give you some helpful suggestions: Teen Misses Uncle's Visitation and Funeral