Grief, guilt and emptiness

[Benni]

My best friend died this easter, and Im struggling to deal with it. She was the most beautiful person imaginable, and a great sorce of inspiration for everyone she met. I got pregnant a short while before she died and the thought of my baby helped with my grieving. I felt I had to be strong for the baby. However, the foetus died after 20 weeks. 

I struggle with so many emotions now. The worst is the guilt, because i cant get around it. My friend had eye cancer twice as a child and 3,5 years ago she got brain cancer. We always fought through the hard things. She was such a fighter and the strongest person i know. She never told me she knew she had a year left to live, and i find that so difficult to bear. If i knew, i wouldnt have gone away to australia for my honeymoon in december. We had her bachelorette party when we came back home, and because she was sick it couldnt be everything that i wanted it to be. She had a birthday when i was on my way to australia, and i was late in calling. I was in a "flight mode", and completely forgot about the outside world. 

Also, I never realized she was dying, because i refused to believe it. The whole of easter i sat by her bed in the hospital. It was so hard to know what to say, and i dont know if i said the right things. By the end she couldnt talk. I said that it was hard to see her in such pain, and that even though i had told her to fight, it was ok if she couldnt take it any more. I talked about how much she meant to me. Earlier she had squeezed my hand. It unsettles me that she waved her hand so much at the end. I wonder if it was a reflex or if she wanted to say something. 

Now, i feel that its so hard that im not in her family, because people havent acknowledged my grief properly, and its hard to stay in touch with her husband, kids and family. Her husband didnt want contact in the beginning, and he doesnt reach out. Plus, we had to deal with losing our first child this summer. Am trying to reach out to him more now. This is a lot of babbling to read, sorry. I just needed to air some thoughts. My life feels very empty without M and so many things remind me of her. We have known each other all our lives and been best friends for about 12 years.   

[Cathyc]

Dear Benni, my heart goes out to you. I know those feelings all too well, as I, too, have had the experience of going through each and every little thing I wish I had done when a loved one was dying. This is part of the process, as far as I can tell. When I read your account, and the accounts of others on this, I realize no matter what we do, we always think of things we should have done differently or better.

My heart goes out to you for the loss of you baby, too.

In terms of contacting her family. everyone grieves differently. In my family, the family kind of closed in when our loved one died and I wish now we had had more contact with friends of the person who departed.  Or perhaps her husband is trying to protect himself from people inadvertently revising his feelings of extreme grief. For now, I encourage you keep writing to us and perhaps see a grief counsellor because then at least you have someone who can talk to who understands what you are going through. Don't give up on the family contact, but also know they might need space to return it to you.

In any case, please know that you are not alone!

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend AND the loss of your baby.  That is a lot to deal with at once!  I'm glad you're still reaching out to her husband, because in the early days of shock one might respond differently that later on, and he may welcome your reaching out now.

I'm sure she knew how much you loved her, friends just know without it being said.  As Cathy said, you might want to try a grief counselor, most insurance covers some counseling for a while.  It does help to express yourself and not keep it bottled up, and it also helps to know someone heard you and understands, it validates your grief.  I hope you'll continue coming here.

[Benni]

Thank you so much cathyc and kayc for your heartwarming words? its good to know that someone knows how it feels. You are right, friends know how much you care. I might try to contact someone to help me. This helped too tho. Thank you for the insight on her husband. We handle grief differently and im one who needs people around me in difficult situations, so i guess its hard to see why people want to be left alone.

[Cathyc]

Okay, I hope you'll stay in touch and let us know how it goes. Every time someone posts, its a learning experience for the rest of us. Plus, its always good to know how something turned out for one of our friends here.

Edited September 15, 2015 by Cathyc

[kayc]

Yes, I do hope you will check back with us.  Good luck to you!