Feeling so lost

[Katiegirl1219]

Hi everyone, I am new here, so I hope my story doesn't bore you to tears... I just feel so alone.

So in 2007, my mother died. We spoke on the phone every, single day (we lived 5 hours apart) and her death was quite a shock (she had a heart attack) even though she had been ill with emphysema.  Missing my mom is one thing, but I have become orphaned because of my father's actions, which has made losing my mom even tougher. 

My father was married to my mother for 39 years.  6 weeks after she died, he began to date and within 9 months, he married a woman who has 3 children around my age.   His life became consumed with her family. He traveled with them, helped her daughter move from Chicago to Florida, spends holidays with them.  Things of my mother's that he forbid me to touch were freely given to his wife and her family.  His new wife had been married 4 other times.  She had a son who had recently committed suicide and she was quite a mess herself. She never tried to have any sort of relationship with me.  My disabled son nearly died in 2010 after back surgery and my dad wouldn't even come to the hospital or help me with two younger children I had at home.  It was horrible.  Thank God he's okay now, but for a month, he suffered with ARDS in the PICU after aspirating after surgery.  I asked him to help me move when I got divorced and he wouldn't. I have been completely alone.

Skip forward to today, my stepmother's20 year old grandson, who lived with my dad and her, has been arrested and convicted of child molestation.  I have underage children, so this means I cannot go to my own father's house -- ever.  In fact, the girl he molested, was the same age as my daughter (none of us had ever met him anyway, thankfully).  My father sees nothing wrong with anything he is doing -- He has told me if I didn't accept his wife, he wouldn't have a relationship with me. I was angry and called her trash over the phone TO HIM because he is a retired police officer and he knows better.  He told me, "you don't give up on people just because they make mistakes..."  Oh, but how easily he gives up on ME, his ONLY DAUGHTER.  Apparently she overheard me (he probably had me on speakerphone though he denies it) and now she's not speaking to me at all.  Her daughter sent me nasty Facebook messages, calling me names and cussing at me.  I was upset and deleted it, so now he is calling me a liar over that.  This is the same 40-something year old woman who posts pornographic pics of herself online and has been arrested several times for DUIs and drugs.  Did my dad give up on her when she had a DUI?  NO.  He drove her back and forth to work for an entire year and let her move in with them and live off of them for about 5 years.

My mother would seriously kill him if she knew he was doing this stuff to me. 

I am divorced and remarried. I have never asked for a single thing from him -- not a dime of money, not an ounce of help except when I asked him to help me move and he refused.   I have been married to a wonderful man for 2 years who has done nothing to my father or stepmother.  This past weekend, my stepmother goes on Facebook, looks on my stepdaughter's Facebook (who she was friend's with) and proceeds to friend request my husband's ex-wife.  I called my dad.  He asks her why she did it and she said, "I have my reasons."  So I called her and asked her.  She said the same thing, THEN HUNG UP ON ME. Thankfully, his ex-wife did not accept her, but instead messaged her daughter wanting to know who it was. We had to explain to her my stepmother is a nut and we are sorry.

So my dad again blames me for all this.  He said had I not called her trash, none of this would have been an issue. 

Okay.

So it's all my fault.

When he talks about my mother now, it's negative and hateful. He says he never loved her.  His name is on the other side of headstone and he now says he doesn't want to be buried there, which has really upset me.

I just don't get this at all. He was nothing like this before Helen came along.  I am between cutting off a relationship with him - unless he does it first - or living with the fact that his wife is a complete goofball and if I want to have a relationship with HIM, I have to put p with HER and let her do this crap to me.  I am so over it.  I am so, so over it.  He sees nothing wrong with her hurting me and even BLAMES ME for the things she has done.  Yeah, I shouldn't have called her trash.  So sue me. I was mad.  I am not apologizing for it after all they have done.

The thing is --  have NO other family. Both of my parents saw to it that we  had horrible relationships with everyone in the family, including aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.  So besides my husband and children and my husband's family, I have no one.  And I'm not dismissing that. I guess I'm just venting that my own biological father can throw me away like yesterday's trash, blame me for all the bad in the relationship, take no responsibility for anything, and yet he can buddy up to his wife's pedophile grandson and porn queen daughter.  I just don't get it.  I was never a bad kid.  I never did drugs, slept around, or drank.  I went to school, to college, and had a family.  The worst thing I ever did was lie as a teen to get away with a few things (like skipping school).  I'm nearly 40 and he still brings that up to me.  I have ONE cousin who I am not exactly close to, but we speak.  She's a psychologist and doesn't speak to anyone in the family either.

So...thanks for hearing me vent. There is more to this but I don't want to bore you anymore than I already have.  I know if my mother were alive, none of this would be happening.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for all of the drama you find yourself living with.  No, you don't have to put up with everything she does to you.  It's up to you to draw boundaries and up to them if they want to accept and adhere to them, and they can accept the consequences if they choose not to.  It may not be possible to have an amicable relationship with your father.  That is sad, but it's his loss, as well as you and your kids' loss.  He has chosen his wife over all and is blind to whatever she says or does.  I have a similar situation going on in my life right now.  I have to minimize the times we're together and how long.  I have to stand up for myself when I'm being ill treated.  It is a long term situation that is not going to go away.  It's disappointing and it means I won't get to be around my cherished relative as much as I'd like, but it is what it is.  The wife comes with.    

You are right not to expose your family to a (current) child molester.  Unless and until he gets professional help and is deemed rehabilitated, I'd stay away.  And if he is going through therapy, part of the therapy is NOT putting others at risk for life!  Child molesters seeking to spend time alone with children are not rehabilitated!

I hope you will seek some professional counseling to help you through the disengagement of this family's drama and give you the strength to do what you need to do for you and your own family unit's peace of mind.

This isn't about you or the kind of person you are or anything you've done.  You are not unworthy.  It is your father's blindness that has allowed this situation.  But you can't change people or make them wise up, you can only draw boundaries that you choose to live peaceably with.

I'm sure all of this serves to only make you miss your mother even more.  Sometimes they were the glue that held everything together.

[Dave58]

There is a lot there. Sorry about your Mom. For some people, there Mom is/was their greatest friend and Allie. When that person leaves, it's like starting over again.I can't speak to the complexities of your situation other than relating it as I can to my own experience. Sometimes the connections you thought you had and enjoyed with family disintegrate as time goes by and as circumstances change. The death of my Mom last July completely changed my friendship with my next oldest brother, it was like he became a different person. I saw a side of him that shocked me, and this was on top of just loosing my Mom. I understand that feeling of being lost/alone. That's where I'm at now.

I'm trying to repair my friendship with my oldest brother now by having open and frank discussions about our family history. My family from back in 1990 is not the family of 2015.I am less fearful now, and less afraid of dieing myself. Knowing that the end comes to all of us, why go through life being 'afraid' of living?

I don't go on facebook or twitter or any social media for the reasons you described. There is something dark and twisted about it. If you don't mind some advice, at least for now stay off of it. You don't need it, and it sounds like it's just complicating an already complicated situation. Try to find yourself and some inner peace. I have a method I use that does that for me, but it requires daily effort. I think at some point in life we come to a juncture that is new and different, like nothing we've ever experienced before. For me it's hitting the 're-set' button and starting a new from today. There is a concept in eastern philosophy called 'ho-nim-myo' (from this moment on). The past is the past, all that is real now is this moment, and we can create a new future. Easier typed than done of course. Hope maybe this helps a little.

[kayc]

I agree, Dave, I'd meant to mention that.  I'm on social media to keep up with friends that no longer live here and to get pictures of my baby granddaughter, that's it.  Everyone's group of friends is different, and with it, their social media experience will vary.  Mine is very positive and drama free whereas other people's may not be.  Do what you have to do to protect yourself, if it means unplugging or blocking certain ones, and certainly hide your list of friends from others.

[kayc]

Also, Anne (Enna) posted a month series of meditations on living in the present (it will be in the month of October) that is free and you can sign up for it.  The link to get you started is in Tools for Healing.  I have signed up for it and look forward to it.  Dave's point about living in the present is very valid and helpful!