Lost my Grandad on 2nd Sep - very confused emotionally :(

[TomP89]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here and felt I wanted to share my story. I lost my Grandad to cancer on September 2nd and it's been so very hard over the last two weeks. I was very close to him and I miss his terribly. His death was expected as he had been suffering for three years and he had gone downhill very quickly in the weeks before he died. Still it was a shock and I'm really not coping very well at all.

I've been having so many mixed emotions ranging from complete helplessness to the deepest sadness I've ever felt in my whole life to anger to intense feelings of guilt that I couldn't help him and wasn't able to be there at the very end to say goodbye. 

Despite the fact that I have some wonderful friends and family around me who have all expressed concern and sympathy, I feel so alone that it's sometimes unbearable. I feel an intense longing for Grandad to be able to spend just one more day with him. I sometimes think that all I want is to just go to him and be near him again. I've tried to put things to the back of my mind but sooner or later they resurface and right now I'm having more bad days than good ones. I've also taken some friends advice and tried going back to work - it hasn't helped, I did one day and then asked to be allowed more time off to grieve. I feel so lost and in limbo.

Another thing is that my housemate is being incredibly inconsiderate and can't understand why I'm not over it yet. He's never been one for subtlety but the extent of his care and sympathy was basically a total of two days after Grandad died. It makes me so angry how inconsiderate and selfish he is being. It's making me feel so much worse and has really pulled me down the last few days. He had the nerve to ask me to go back to work to get money so that I can pay off some bits I owe him. I find this really selfish that he can even consider money issues at this time. It really hurt me and I feel so isolated and guilty. I feel like such a bad person because now I have money worries looming over my head on top of my grief for Grandad. 

All I wish for right now is some peace, space and consideration and to be given as much time as I need to grieve fully. It seems even the death of a loved one doesn't stop people from thinking about themselves!

[enna]

I just read your story of your Granddad’s death, Tom. Please accept my deepest sympathy. This has not even been two weeks and you are still in that period of shock. It does not matter if someone we love has been ill for a long time or for only a few days for when this happens we are very sad as we should be.

Your feelings are normal and aren’t to be dismissed. Guilt is something that many of us often feel because of the deep desire to be with the one loved during the time of death.

As for your housemate’s length of time giving you “care and sympathy” I am sure it is just the way he thinks of how things are. He may never have lost a very close loved one. We do not know how another person grieves so try not to be too hard on him.

It is very insensitive on his part to bring up money at this time. I do not know why this happens, but it does. Perhaps it’s his way of offering you sympathy by distracting you. 

You are not a “bad person” and I hope you accept the way you are feeling as perfectly normal. You mentioned that you have wonderful friends and family around you. This is good. It is also important for you to take as much time as you need for this is your grief and no one else can grieve for you.

Anne 

[MartyT]

Tom, my dear, I cannot add much to the wise advice that Anne has given you already ~ except to say that here, with us, you can take as much time as you need to process this loss of your grandfather. This is a safe place for you to land, and no one here has any expectations or time limits on your grief. You're looking for peace, space and consideration ~ and you'll find plenty of that right here. ♥

[kayc]

Tom,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Everyone reacts differently to grief, there is no timetable or one way to respond.  Your roommate obviously isn't aware of grief response, but you can't change him, only how you respond to him.  Try not to let his remarks get to you.  I hope you do speak up for yourself and tell him you feel what you feel and it isn't open for dissection.    Two weeks is nothing in the scheme of things, if after a long time passes you're having a hard time dealing with life, I'd see a grief counselor to help you through it, but honestly, you can expect to feel grief on some level for some time to come.  I've learned that the missing them never goes away, but we do eventually learn to live with our loss.  It's quite a journey and nothing short and sweet about it, but I've found it to be riddled with things I've learned and gleaned along the way and that helps.

I hope you'll continue to come here and post as you feel the need, it helps to know you're in a safe place to be heard and understood and that your feelings are normal and valid.

[TomP89]

Thank you so much for both of your lovely answers. This is my first experience of losing someone I dearly loved and it is ever so strange. It is unlike anything I have been through before and I keep thinking I will wake up one day soon and it will have all been a bad dream and that my dear Grandad will be back with me again and in the best of health. I know this isn't going to happen. I just can't picture my life without Grandad in it physically. I know people mean well when they say sorry or try to advise me how I can do things to help alleviate things or forget it but I just feel like I'm being pushed to do things that I don't yet feel ready to do. It is still way too early and I just wish the people around me would realise this and give me time and space. I know it's their way of showing they're concerned and that they care about me but right now it's intrusive and I've always been a very private person when it comes to sensitive family matters.

[kayc]

Take your time with this.  I hope you vocalize to others that you need to take your time and go through it your way.  They can't "fix" this the way they would a flat tire! They may mean well but it's not helpful, in fact, sometimes it's hurtful.

 

People in our society do not seem to know how to deal with another's grief.

[Ceili]

Tom - First of all, I am so sorry for the passing of your Grandfather. As everyone else has said, you are so early in your grieving. I lost my mom in March and even though she was sick and elderly, I was not ready. Can we ever be? Be patient with yourself and handle things as you see fit. This is your grief and it will take time. Keep coming back here - I just joined and find it to be a place of acceptance and understanding.