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Anticipatory Grief--Getting ready to say goodbye to my mother


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I'm sorry, because I don't know if this is posted in the correct spot. My father died ten years ago, and now my mother is dying. I am having a very hard time dealing with the anticipatory grief associated with her chronic illness and pending death.

 

I live overseas with my husband and children, while my mother has just been put in a nursing home in Minnesota. Her doctor has given her a year to live.

I'm overwhelmed with guilt and grief about not being able to be with her, and although I should be able to visit her within the next 3 months or so, I am so ripped apart by not being with her now.

What's strange is that although we live so far apart from one another, we have both adapted, and have been able to maintain a fairly close relationship between phone calls, emails and my visits. But now, as I contemplate life without her, I am stunned.

I am an only child, and lost my father 10 years ago. I'm devastated because I know that with my mother's passing, whether it be tonight, or five years from now, I will have lost the last person who loved me unconditionally, and I'm not sure I can continue without her. I know I will have to remain strong for my children, and because I must work to help support my family. I don't have the luxury of suicide, or giving up. I can't be that selfish. But my breath is taken away at the thought of having to live in a world without her. 

I never would have guessed that grief beforehand could hurt so much. I really don't know how to go on.

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Hi Karen, I am so sorry to hear this news but glad that you came here to express it. Yes, I can imagine you would be stunned by this news, and being so far away compounds everything. I have been here since the summer and have found endless amounts of support, comfort and wisdom here. Because of the time difference you might not hear from a senior person right away, but please do come back and check. In the meantime, take care.

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Hello Karen,

So sorry to read the news about your mum. You have come to the right place and be assured your thoughts and feelings are quite normal.  The feeling of not being able to carry on is so very hard and your comment about losing your breath at the thought of living in a world without her speaks to me and every one on this forum.  I'm writing this in a hurry over breakfast but I just want to say you will get lots of support and good advice.  This journey is hell but you and your mum are in my prayers.  I'll check back in later.  Others will soon be along with much better advice.  Take care of yourself.

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Karen, my dear, I too am so sorry to learn of your mother's serious illness. I can only imagine how helpless and far away you must feel. You are indeed in a state of anticipatory grief, which is such a difficult place to be, especially given the physical distance between you two. 

You say you don't know how you will go on, but I think in circumstances like these, it helps to know that you are not alone, and it's good to know that you've found your way to this warm and caring place, where you will find some of the information, comfort and support you will need to get through this challenging time.

You might begin by reading this article, which I hope will help you better understand what you may be feeling, and give you some suggestions for coping: Anticipatory Grief and Mourning. See also Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources.

 

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Karen,

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through and for your mom.  Who is taking care of her?  I can only imagine how you must be feeling, being so far away and having responsibilities to tend to there with your own family.  I hope when you are able to go see her that the two of you enjoy your time together.  It is particularly hard to realize our parents will not always be there for us, particularly since they've been around as long as we've been alive...we can't imagine life without them.  It helps me tremendously knowing my mom is now out of her suffering and is the person she was created to be and we will be together again (I lost her a year ago August).

I hope you will continue to come here and share as you feel the desire, we will be here to listen and care.

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Thank you to everyone who has replied to my post. I so appreciate each of your kind thoughts.

I'm coming to realize that, like the grieving I went through when my father died, this sort of pain ebbs and flows, and is usually triggered by something I see or hear--something that reminds me of the loss which is coming. I just need to find a way to keep it together when I experience this pain. Like many of you who may read this, I have to many people depending on me to have the luxury of falling apart. 

Kayc, you ask who is taking care of my mom. My mother is now in the nursing home she chose. It is a good place, and I know that most of her needs will be met there. She moved to the nursing home two days ago, and I'm sure she is going through an adjustment period. It's been more difficult because I haven't been able to reach her by phone as one had not been supplied for her yet. Hopefully, that has been taken care of now. Anyway, she will be evaluated for hospice services, and she's where she wants to be, so I don't "worry" about her.

Again, thank you for your kind words. MartyT, I will read the pages you gave me the links for. Thank you.

 

 

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It seems a common thread, though we are all different people, we experience the same realm of sorrow and grief at loosing a parent. I well maybe over reach here, not understanding the logistics and finances of your situation, your Moms particular condition, but what I would do is have your Mom come live with you. That maybe impossible, I don't know. You could have a home hospice company help you and in home health care people who come during the day to take care of your Mom. What a better way to help her and to be with her family in her remaining days. The cost of a nursing home and or assisted living is as you know quite expensive. You could cut that in half or more by her living with you.

Of course it's also up to what your Mom wants as well, maybe she would not want to burden you that task, I did it, it's not easy. Having endured it myself, it is the one thing that helps me knowing that I kept her at home and as comfortable and safe as possible. My Mom would not have lasted long in a nursing home. She needed a lot of care and reassurance, even more as time went on. I was by her bedside and helped her pass. I would not have wanted her to die alone or with a stranger. It's a tough decision,  but time runs out, then it's to late. My Mom lasted/lived a year at home in home hospice. I'm glad now that I did it.

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Hi Dave58,

Thank you for your beautiful suggestion. It's wonderful that things worked out so well for your mother and for you.

Long story short, my husband and I tried again and again, but my mother wants to live in her home town, and be able to be near her church in Minnesota, etc. Honestly, (in her defense) the quality of health care is quite inferior where we live, and I doubt that she would be alive for very long if she were to live in Africa with us. We are really dealing with third-world quality medical care here, to say the least.

And yes, it has been a difficult choice to come to terms with, but it's her decision. And I fully intend to be with her should she start to go into a quicker decline. But it's heartening to hear of a story where someone was able to experience something full of such love. Even though the end is so sad, in that your mother died, still, it's happy because you were with her. 

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Karen,

My mom was not able to be at home as she had full blown dementia and would not cooperate with any of us, we had to take her to court to get juridiction over her and it took a year, by that time she really was a danger to herself and the courts ordered her in 24 hr/lockdown.  Still we had to wait several more months for an opening.  By the time we got her into a care center, it was such a relief to know she'd be safe!  Everyone's situation is different.  Had my mom been normal, I would have loved to have had her with me, but that wasn't possible under the circumstances.  With your living in another country, that complicates things, and of course her wishes had to be considered.  I think we all do the best we can under the circumstances and this is not easy no matter what the choices.

I expected my mom to have a hard adjustment as she'd lived in her own home that her and Daddy built for 59 years!  I was very surprised that she adjusted so well and so quickly...the first couple of weeks she spent sleeping a lot until I told the caregivers to get her up and only have her sleep at night and for naps.  She was very social until she started falling a lot and the doctor ordered they remove her walker.  :(  After that her quality of life declined greatly, but some people don't go through that and are able to have quality of life until nearer the end.  I used to visit her regularly (I live two hours away from the care facility) even when working full time and commuting 100 miles a day for work.

My heart goes out to you, for I know your heart is with your mom and you wish you could be there even now.  It is an adjustment, but I'm sure she'll do fine, esp. since she got to have a say in where she went.

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