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My 19 year old son drowned. His name is Dakota.


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My son, Dakota, was 19 and drowned while swimming in a lake with friends. He didn't know how to swim, but got in the lake and attempted to swim to a pavilion. He was on life support and ECMO. The cat scan of his brain showed herniation. Life support was withdrawn. I watched him lay there for 6 days before support was withdrawn. I feel lost. It's only been 4 weeks and I had to go back to work. I can barely function. I don't know what to do. 

Edited by Camille46
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Oh my dear Camille ~ My heart reaches out to you in your unspeakable loss. I am so very sorry to learn this horrid news. Of course you can barely function! I'm sure it feels as if your heart has been ripped from your body. And here you are, back to work, in a world that keeps on turning, while your world has been blown to pieces.

I don't know what, if any, support you have around you, but I hope you won't try to go through this all alone. We are here to offer whatever information, comfort and support we can, and over time we will do that for you, but I also urge you to take advantage of all the other resources you can find. 

Are you familiar with The Compassionate Friends? From its Mission Statement: When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others better assist the grieving family. TCF has chapters all over the country; you'll find a chapter locator on its website. (To learn more about what happens when you attend TCF Chapter Meetings, visit About TCF ChaptersWhat to Expect, and Frequently Asked Questions.)

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I feel like I don't have any support. I am divorced from his father. I'm in a relationship with someone else for the last 4 years and we have a 2 year old child together. He doesn't understand what I'm going through. He says he wants me to go back to normal. I'll never be normal again. But I'm trying. I'm working. I'm a nurse. I am cleaning the house, cooking dinner, doing laundry, and taking care of my little girl. I even decorated for Halloween this last weekend. I went to the State Fair and Rodeo with him and my daughter and to a fall festival last weekend. I'm trying when all I really want to do is scream. Yesterday I accidentally called him by my ex husbands name. I didn't mean to. I've been calling my daughter Dakota all week. He's angry that I called him my ex husbands name. He told me this morning that I don't love him. I can't believe he's doing this to me right now. I have a 25 year old son who had stopped at the store to get drinks on the way to the lake and he got the call that his brother drowned. When he got to the lake they were doing CPR. He's a wreck and blames himself. I took him go dinner for his birthday and my fiancée was angry that I was gone for 3 hours. I can't make anyone happy and my son is dead. I feel hopeless. 

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I hope you will go to grief counseling with your new partner.  It would help him to learn that your responses are normal and to be expected.  Your old "normal" is gone from the moment you lost your son, and you will begin to learn and adjust to your new normal, hopefully he will be along for the ride and will adjust also.

I'm sorry your fiancee is so angry, he needs to lighten up on you if this is to work.  He is likely wanting to "fix" this and can't and feels frustrated and it displays as anger.  Some therapy for him would be good too.

No, you can't make others happy and it isn't your job to.  Your primary job is to care for YOU and help YOURSELF through this, you are going through huge adjustments!  You have a little girl to take care of and your primary responsibility is to yourself and her.  I am sorry your son feels guilty.  I hope you'll mention to him that a grief counselor can help him work his way through this.

My heart goes out to you with all you have going on right now.  I hope you'll continue to come here and voice yourself, it does help to have a healthy outlet, someplace safe to voice yourself.

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Camille, my dear, I am so sorry that you're not getting any support from your partner at a time when you need it the most. To expect you "to go back to normal" just four weeks after your son drowned is ~ well ~ apart from being completely insensitive and selfish, it is totally unrealistic and terribly unfair. The truth is that you will never return to normal, if that means going back to how things were before your life got turned upside down. Clearly your partner knows nothing about grief and the effects of significant loss. You know better than I do whether he is open to learning anything about it. If he is willing, you could try printing out an article or two about grief and invite him to read them (e.g., Grief: Understanding The Process and Helping Another in Grief.) If he continues to be so insensitive and as uncaring as you describe, however, I suggest that you give yourself permission to tend to your own grief and look elsewhere for the support you need and deserve. Don't let his reactions to this upheaval in your life stop you from validating and honoring your own need for support. No, you cannot make anyone happy. Yes, your son is dead, and you have a right to mourn the loss of him. You feel hopeless because you need and deserve to have someone to help you hold onto hope. Take a look at this article, which contains dozens of resources just waiting for you to take advantage of them: When An Adult Child Dies: Resources for Bereaved Parents

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Very well put, Marty, thanks, you voiced what I wanted to get across.

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Dear Camille,

My heart just breaks for you. I am so sorry to hear about the drowning of your son, Dakota. I have not lost a child and cannot begin to understand what you are going through. I can understand how lost you must be especially when those around you are not supportive.

You deserve to have all the support you need. We have heard that we grieve in our own way and for as long as we need to. I hope you can find a good grief counselor in your area who will help you through this terrible loss.

I know you are going back to work and in a way that is good for it will distract you for a while, but you will still need to attend to your grief.

It is not uncommon for those close to us to not be able to give us the support we need. Please do not let that discourage you. Seek out the help you need, give yourself the time you need to grieve, come here for there are many who have listening ears and hearts open for you, and try not to allow anyone to tell you when your grief is over.

You have been given many articles to read to help you feel not so alone. This forum is likened to a communal place for us to share our grief. Our arms are open to you and we welcome you into our “family” even though I wish you did not have to be here. 

Anne

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Camille, I am thinking of you as I find new resources on the Internet today. I just now listened to this Open to Hope interview with therapist and bereaved mother Joanne Cacciatore, founder of the MISS Foundation, and I hope you'll take time to listen, too. Allow about 20 minutes: Joanne Cacciatore, PhD: Traumatic Loss

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Camille. I and many others are praying for you.  Please visit often share your grief here.  A safe place to shelter, share, and receive love from those who will walk alongside you.  Peace and comfort.  Shalom

 

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