Harleyquinn Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) Every day my heart breaks over and over again . This weekend I had some good days where I really felt Michael's energy with me....i was even able to enjoy some songs and danceTonight I feel like the grief hit me all over again like a truck.My heart hurts. Edited October 5, 2015 by Harleyquinn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 Harleyquinn I'm with you. It is the very nature of grief to be okay one minute and in pieces the next. it is exhausting and debilitating. You NEVER know how you will feel one minute to the next. I have stopped accepting invitations for coffee etc because of it. All my energy is taken up trying to appear 'normal' at work so this means that after work is the time to give full vent to my grief. I feel like a punchbag. Courage x. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 I'm sorry. I hope today goes better. That's how it seems to go, like a roller coaster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 Dear Harleyquinn and Debbie, and all of us. To grief is exhausting, specially in the early months. "Why it hurts so bad? Because it (your love) was real".I'm going through year 1. I wrote in my thread that I had a complete week feeling ok, and since a couple of days I'm feeling sad. Instead ofe xcrutiating pain, there is sadness. Probably it is worse, because you feel nothing but emptiness and lack of sense. It is not because I'm doing nothing, but because nothing fills me. Things fill my time, but not me. Today I signed up for a postgraduate course. "Good, it's something to look forward to" I should think. "Good for you, you are doing better" my parents told me....but I feel nothing about it. After a year, I am still suprised about some well-meaning remarks I'm being told, people still have that "look" of being unconfortable, and I still have that look "what are you talking about?"Maybe I'll need 50 years of inner work to integrate all of it in my life. I choose this word to describe my process. I feel unconfortable about "acceptance" "closure" "resignation" "move on".I miss him so bad. There are no words to express it. This is the core of all of it. I miss him and I there is nothing I can do about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) i usually give myself some time in the morning to talk to Michael and cry before work... I do the same thing at night before bed. having that scheduled time really helps me get through the day at work without falling apart (although i still have moments during the day where I tear up, i can keep it under control)and at night it really helps me get to sleep- I can't sleep if I haven't spoken to him....even if it is just a simple "good night"what I find most interesting is how at peace my heart feels after my talk/cry each morning/night. I don't know if it is giving myself that time or if it's Michael's response as i talk to him....whatever it is, i feel grateful for the little bit of peace i feel afterwards. Edited October 5, 2015 by Harleyquinn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 Good for you, Harleyquinn, and I thank you for sharing. You've discovered what is for many a very effective tool for healing: Finding Crying Time In Grief ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 Brad also is doing this, a lot of people find this very helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 I went to see a grief counselor for the first time yesterday and she suggested too setting time aside every day to let the grief 'just wash over you' so I am going to try it. the worst time for me is putting my key in the door after work after another day without him and the evening stretching ahead. I have been trying to hold myself together as I don't want my son to dread me coming home from work. I am going to try and control my feelings until Max is in the shower and I have an hour or so alone.Having said that, it is an imperfect science. I was on the subway this morning on my way to work and a man was wearing my husband's aftershave. It took me all my time to not start sobbing - what a trigger - as it was, a silent tear fell and it was only when I got to the rest room at work did I discover that my mascara isn't waterproof! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 Debi,Waterproof mascara is a godsend! I had to bring a kit to my office to fix up my face for the torrential downpours. Yes, a husband's aftershave would be a huge trigger. Fortunately or unfortunately for me, the best smell in the world is one no one can duplicate, it was my husband's smell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 I don't know why, many times i sobb in the bus. Not because of triggers. It happens. i carry sunglasses with me :/I'm glad your first session went ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 Debi-Thrilled you started counseling. I hope it works as well as mine is. The ambush triggers are the worst. I hate them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) . Edited October 7, 2015 by Harleyquinn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) def not a science but it helps me MOST days. today I changed my gym routine from the evening to the morning. I was in such a rush after the gym I didn't have time to have my scheduled "cry/talk" with MichaelI've been a mess all day. It's amazing how much that really does help. of course today is the day one of my friends at work decides to really 'push' with the, "how are you questions"her: "how are you?"me: "good, you?"her: "no really... how are you?"me: "i'm doing about as good as expected under the circumstances...i'm surviving"her: "well.... what is it, was there unresolved issues?"me: *holding back tears* "well, yeah there was stuff that needed to be said but i'm working through it the best I can. *makes excuse to leave...goes to the bathroom and breaks down completely* Edited October 6, 2015 by Harleyquinn edited to combine two posts bc my flakey brain didn't realize I posted things that were almost identical Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted October 7, 2015 Report Share Posted October 7, 2015 Whoever came up with the " Cry time out" was a genius....I'm telling you it really works. The trick is to initiate your own triggers in a set time and place....I have music in my car...couple of songs by the Stones "Tears go By" and "Angie". I start my day early , and have my fist heart to heart......always tears...Then I'm off and feel better. The car is above mentioned music from time to time.......Without my Grief time, I would be in knots. And the Diary, my daily notebook is me talking to Angela, telling her what I'm up to, even include shopping list sometimes. ......Have a good evening Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 7, 2015 Report Share Posted October 7, 2015 Good songs Kevin. As Tears Go By was the first collaborative effort between Keith Richards and Mick Jagger. Story has it Andrew Oldham, their manager, locked them in the kitchen and wouldn't let them out until they had written a song. The original title was As Time Goes By the same title as the Dooley Wilson song from the movie Casablanca and it was Oldham who changed the title. They at both work for me getting the tears going. My chats with Deedo are also slowly becoming more meaningful. I still say I miss you and I love you dozens of times during each conversation but I am getting better at filling her in on the kids and grandkids so that's progress. Today at was a decent day. Met with the psychiatrist and she helped put some things in perspective. To bad it won't last. Days like today help me to kind of believe that I might just survive. But then I read about the religious preacher who says the world will end tomorrow and my first thought was "I'm okay with that." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted October 7, 2015 Report Share Posted October 7, 2015 I'm going to try to set time for crying. I usually cry throughout the day unless I'm at a support group meeting. I've been crying during my entire therapy session. I often have dry tears with choking and whimpering. Maybe if I have a set crying time, I wouldn't be crying all day? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2015 I think I've moved into a period of numbness Tears stm come but there are moments I don't feel anything at all. To he honest, those moments of numb are really nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 8, 2015 Report Share Posted October 8, 2015 I remember the numbness rather fondly now. I wish I could go back there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted October 8, 2015 Report Share Posted October 8, 2015 I think I felt numb for awhile when I was in my first months of grief. I know I did a lot more than I do now. Maybe it was shock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 8, 2015 Report Share Posted October 8, 2015 Yes I think you're right. Shock has the weirdest effect. It makes you feel as though you are living an unreality, almost like watching you in a film of your life but it's not really you if that makes sense... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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