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I just wanted to write something about the grief counsellor I went to see on Monday. I had a lot of positive encouragement from you all to go and I thank you for that. The lady was very kind and it was quite a relief to be able to talk about what has happened to someone whom I won't upset. She did make a couple of comments that I found unusual though.

I said that I thought my husband would be in huge shock himself at his passing as it was so unexpected and at a time in our lives when we had so much planned and so much to do. This included finishing renovating my mom's house and renting it out to help with finances. My husband was very motivated to get this done and in fact the day of his funeral was the day we were due to start. We talked of little else. The counsellor  then said 'Yes I imagine his soul hovered for quite some time over his body. he would have been in shock'

I wasn't perturbed by this as I believe in the afterlife and the continuation of the soul I just found it a little strange coming from a counsellor, I don't know why.

Towards the end of our session she said 'Do you feel your husband around you? ' Again I found that a little strange. It is in keeping with my belief system but is not necessarily everyone else's. I would be interested in your thoughts on this and whether anyone has been asked anything similar?

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It wasn't what I heard from my counselor, but maybe yours is more in tune.

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my psychologist (there isn't a grief counselor in town) told me many things about soul, love, afterlife, communication and etc, and I was shocked too to hear that coming from him. I thought I would discuss my psychology, but I was relieved that I could stay in that tune. It is a year that I have been attending his meetings. I don't want to judge a professional, but I feel well talking about feelings and doubts, the soul, about religious beliefs too. We don't always agree, but it is fine.

 

the first sessions are difficult, but trust your feelings. If you feel comfortable, keep going.

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My counselor has not touched on anything about Deedo that I don't bring up. Any discussion we've had has been focusing on how I am handling things. We discuss what I'm doing to focus on coping with my grief. We end sessions by setting goals. My focus is how to stay in the here and now. It's when I focus on the future that I get in trouble. 

If you're uncomfortable Debi I would try to find someone else who will help you focus on yourself and how you are coping.  

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Thank you so much for all your responses, It is good to get some insight into other people's experiences. I find it encouraging that you had a similar experience Scba. I absolutely don't have a problem with her introducing the afterlife - if I'm honest I welcome it - it's just that in my head I thought it would mostly be about strategies for coping with grief day to day etc I do however see the sense in setting goals Brad and I think it's an excellent idea. It gives something to focus on and I might see if she can help me with that. I can't afford to go every week unfortunately so my next session is in a little less than 2 weeks.

I think I just got lucky Harleyquinn. it's just not the kind of question you can ask really is it when you are looking for a counselor. I would say though that the incredible kindness she showed when she responded to my initial email enquiring about an appointment gave me the impression she was very open. I sent the same email to several others ( I emailed about 5 in total to see if I could arrange a meeting) and I got quite formal business like responses.

May I ask you all - those that have had counselling I mean - what aspect of it did you find most helpful?

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For me it was the opportunity to just really let loose and break down with someone who could allow me the opportunity to express what had been building up within me.  My counselor creates such an open and caring environment where I feel comfortable in being completely candid as we work through my grief. I am noticing an improvement in my day to day and I attribute it to how aggressive I've been in seeking support (I see a counselor weekly, a support group twice monthly and a psychiatrist monthly). Additionally, my psychiatrist has put me on mirtazipine which has improved my sleep (except for tonight) so I'm getting more rest, improved my appetite, and had leveled out my mood swings. I still cry multiple times a day but I am more capable of seeking out social interaction and can now participate in most conversations without breaking down frequently. I've actually started to reach out to people which is something that I was incapable of ten days ago. 

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My therapist doesn't have set goals or strategies, we discuss many issues and I make a lot of questions. Maybe that strategy wouldnt work for me, we are all different. As Brad said, I find it to be very helpful because I feel free to express my feelings face to face without upseting anyone. And I can freely cry. Somrtimes I think that I'm paying to have a conversation, to be listened to. Well, it has helped me. Today I'm going to the meeting, I go once every 2 weeks. 

We have talked about the afterlife and the soul, he told me his idea, i told him mine, and we have been developing a framework about that. 

I'm no expert, it is the first time I 'm going to therapy. 

 

Edited by scba
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It certainly seems Brad and Scba that here is nothing but benefit to therapy. That you can both see progress like this gives me hope. Did you both 'meet' the 'right' therapist from the get go? I am also interested Scba that the afterlife and talking about it is not discouraged. I kind of assumed it would be I guess when it comes to therapy, like they would consider it 'Magical Thinking' or an unwillingness to accept the loss.

Brad, that is quite something to feel that you are now able ti reach out in a way you couldn't 10 days ago. One thing I haven't told you all is that at the end of my session on Monday (the first one) I was fumbling for the money to pay her. I have a huge purse and couldn't locate the money and there was a silence whilst I searched,  which me being me, felt duty bound to fill. Anyway I said to her "May I ask if you have had any major losses in your life?" (I probably shouldn't have asked this but once the words were out, they were out!) and she responded with "2 days after your husband passed, my Mom passed" .....

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Debi, 

My circumstances are a little different.  When my wife was diagnosed with cancer we decided on the Mayo for treatment.  As we were driving to an initial appointment a counselor from the oncology department contacted us.  This is a service that Mayo provides all cancer patients free of charge.  We started talking to the counselor from the beginning and so when Deedo died and I hit the depths of my depression she was the one I reached out to since I already knew her, she knew me, and most importantly she knew Deedo.  She had already been working with us for eighteen months and that made the transition from the focus on Deedo to the focus on me much easier.

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I've been going to a therapist for months. We've been focusing on my grief. She and my new psychiatrist helped me to get off some of the numbing medications I was on for years. Once I was more clear headed, I was able to better feel and express my grief. Over the past month and a half, I cry during my sessions. I talk with her about my husband and my concerns. She really listens and gives me comforting amounts of sympathy, plus she gives me feedback and hope. I tend to be very hard on myself for not being stronger and further along with being able to live life without Andre. She helps me to be gentler with myself and reassures me that it takes time to heal. 

I'm also a member in an email grief group since before Andre's death. And, I go to a weekly in person grief group. I get and give support in these groups. Now I have this healing group! I'm also a member of OA (Overeaters Anonymous), which is a 12 step program for compulsive eaters I have nine months of recovery in OA with a 100 lbs weight loss maintained for about two years! All these support resources are very good for me. Going to my weekly therapy and grief group, and my OA meetings gets me up and out of isolating at home, and with other people who want to heal. My online grief groups help me 24/7. I'm getting help and helping others. 

I recommend therapy or counseling, especially one to one. Participating in grief and support groups is a big help also. 

Kristine

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Dear Debi,

I met two psychologists, this therapist and a woman. I picked up the man because he had a more "compassionate" approach to my grief. The woman was very professional, but her first statement was that I was prepared for my boyfriend's death (unconsciously) and that I had to figure out how I was going to continue my life. At that moment (a month after his death) I could not hear anything about my future, my life, or my supposed preparation towards his death (I was NEVER prepared). I felt she has been too direct to me. So I chose the man because I felt more comfortable with his approach.

 

Edited by scba
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Scba-

Smart move. Any therapist who is initially focusing on the future for a newly bereaved client obviously does not understand grieving. 

Both my grief counselor and my psychiatrist are working diligently to keep me in the here and now. They recognized that when I was having the most trouble coping was (is) when I start to focus on the past or on the future. The past and future for me are the two places I cannot go without sliding deep into the blackness.

 

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During my first session, my grief counsellor did a bit of a survey with me, that include the question about whether or not I am religious. I said I am not. She then made a few comments about how that makes it harder to deal with a death, but it wasn't in a judgemental way, it was just an observation. The point here is that she asked me about it early on, which I think is good. 

For me, because I am so uncertain about an afterlife, I wouldn't have likely stayed with a counsellor who talked so confidently about the soul hovering (as if it were a fact). I would just think we're not on the same wavelength and she wouldn't be in a good position to judge what will work with me. Perhaps in your case, the counsellor could sense, early on, that this kind of statement is compatible with your beliefs?

For me, the question about whether I feel a deceased person around me is different, because a lot of us have that feeling and find it comforting, even if we believe it is from what we have internalized from knowing that person (as opposed to believing their soul is literally around us).  So, I wouldn't take exception to that comment. It feels like a more natural question, regardless of someone's belief in an afterlife.

 I don't know but I agree with the others that you have to go with what feels right when you are with the counsellor. We are all so different that a counsellor who sutis one of us will not suit another. I think the most important thing is that you trust your counsellor and that you walk out of each session feeling that you have learned something about yourself and how to deal with your grief.  

One more thing. Like Brad's counsellor, mine has consistently said to focus on the here and now, and NOT to think too far into the future. It was hard for me at first, because I am always so forward-thinking. But I am getting used to it and understanding more and more why she emphasizes being in the moment. 

Edited by Cathyc
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Dear Ones,

In her weekly Refuge in Grief newsletter that arrived in my email this morning, our friend and colleague Megan Devine acknowledges that not all counselors and therapists are trained and experienced in working with the bereaved ~ those who (especially in the early days of grief) find themselves in what she calls the devastation zone.

She writes,

"The thing is, we have a faulty understanding of grief in our culture. From the ways our professionals are taught, right down through the average friend or family member, most people have no idea what to do in the face of a loss like yours.

"What people usually do is jump into helper mode, trying to fix things for you. But especially in that immediate state of shock -  the place you’re in when the world has turned upside down and you’re not even sure what the heck just happened – you don’t need someone to “fix” you. You can’t even register what they’re saying. Nothing makes sense . . . 

"In general, we just don’t know how to help people in that place. When even most professionals don't know how to help, the average person doesn't really stand a chance. 

"When Matt died, I had a horrible time finding support that actually helped - support that didn't try to sugar-coat my new reality, or fix the things (like sudden death) that couldn't be fixed." 

Megan (herself a widow, a writer and a skilled grief counselor) describes solid grief counseling as "a place where you can ask all your questions, talk about what grief is really like, and find ways to survive this life you didn't see coming. Imagine you have someone to talk to who not only understands intense grief, but has lived it themselves."

I cannot offer a better description than that. It is how I would describe what we seek to offer here in these forums, and I hope it is what you find if you decide to meet with a grief counselor in person. 

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scba,

I don't think we can ever be prepared for their death, even when we've experienced anticipatory grief.  We may process some parts of it ahead of time,but nothing can prepare us for the finality of death, not having them here to talk to or hug/

And not only are not all counselors trained in grief counseling, not all are good at it!  I got a counselor that was horrible at it, I don't know any other way to put it.  And since there wasn't a choice of others (I live in the country), I discontinued going when I am sure I would have greatly benefited from continued counseling.  It is a sad fact that cities have more to choose from, not only with shoes and groceries, but counselors as well.  Had it not been for this site and Marty's links and articles and the sharing from other posters here, I don't know what I would have done, it saw me through.

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Thank you so much for the post Marty as always it is a huge help and very wise words. I also looked at a link within the link you posted regarding surviving the first few months after a loss and found that helpful too.

KayC You are right. Just because someone is a trained counselor doesn't mean they are good at it. I think like Doctors and nurses, counselling has to be a vocation rather than just a job and that you have to have a whole heap of humanity to be good at it. I have a similar problem to you Kayc in that, although I live in a city I don't have a lot of choice, because it is a French speaking city and there are a finite number of English speaking counselors. Like you I feel this site keeps me going and although I will go back to the counselor next week, I can come here daily. Also the cost is prohibitive so I can't go every week and there are no groups here.

CathyC I think it is good that your counselor asked you about your beliefs beforehand. I happen to believe in the afterlife but I shared what the counselor had said with my business partner who doesn't and he was quite outraged by it. Maybe your right. Maybe I said something that made her think I believed but I don't think so. OR maybe she can 'see' spirits around me!!! Lord knows I would love to believe that CathyC!

Scba it is ridiculous to say you were prepared even in a subconscious way. I know that sudden death which is the only kind I have experienced with all my loved ones, adds an extra dimension of shock, but how can you EVER be prepared to not see the face or hear the voice of your loved one. You made the right choice of counselor. Like Brad says, we have to work on the day to day and figure out how to manage it (hour by hour even). The future is a different country.

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