Backsliding and Self Destructive Behavior

[sharirouse]

First off, Im not too proud of myself and I almost feel like Im making excuses but I hope Im not. I really dont know what the heck Im doing.

I know I wrote a post about missing some dude that was not good for me. He's been toxic way before my dad got sick so its time he went. I think I was just grasping at straws. Theres a guy in my program that is actually my lab partner. I developed a little crush on him. Im not wanting to date or do anything like that and Ive told him. He doesnt want to either so it works out. I told him Im lonely and he gets it. He's foreign and from the middle east so I think there really is a communication problem. I dont think his intentions are bad but sometimes he does things that reminds me of that guy. It makes me feel worthless and I already know I have an issue with self confidence and this guy is a womanizer. Its kind of weird because he's muslim and I thought they were religious but hey not my life, not my business right? Anyway, I honestly dont believe he set out to do anything and I over reacted but anyway, he upset me and I was already sad that day. I just felt dark if that makes sense. I felt like I was in a shadow. Well I cried pretty hard and called my mom. I know Im too emotionally weak to deal with this and frankly Im too old for it. My soul hurt. It was just a dark moment. I think he was just the catalyst to this outburst but damn. I ended up breaking open one of my razors I shaved with and cut myself. They arent deep and they arent dangerous. I later told my mom because I know this isnt good. I was down that path before and I dont want to be there again. She really thinks Im depressed but Im not sure.

I dont know what the heck is going on. Im lonely and I know that. I dont want to date though and Im okay with being alone forever. its easy. Im upset that Im not a rock. I dont want to do this anymore. I have a crush on the guy but hes everything I hate in males. He treats me well and is sweet but I dont want to date and Im graduating college soon so really its pointless and damn it, I dont want to date. I have NO interest. I dont think this is about him though. My mom thinks I may be trying to replace my dad with him and it kills me inside because I would never do that and but I know Im looking for male attention and Ive told this guy that. he also has blue eyes like my dad so its possible that didnt help. Im just lost and dont know what to do. Im still praying but Im still like wtf. Ive talked to my dad and mom. Ive also emailed my grief counselor but since its the weekend AND a holiday weekend, I figure itll be a late reply.

It could be a combination of things. My birthday is this weekend, the second one without my dad. School has been so hard lately and Im stressed. I dont feel good about myself. I cant even keep the attention of  dog and Im lonely and just want attention. Im not doing anything bad, as in Im not being promiscuous or drinking or doing that kind of stuff but Im not doing anything good. 

[MartyT]

My dear Shari, you have enough insight to recognize that, in your words, you are "backsliding," as evidenced by your returning to cutting ~ a form of self-injury which, psychologists say, is a learned behavior that helps control emotional pain.

It's good to know that you have reached out to your grief counselor. The stresses you describe indicate that you need guidance and support in finding alternative and healthier ways to respond to what's going on in your life and to what is bothering you. I hope your counselor has some expertise in working with self-injurers. You already know that cutting is not a healthy way to deal with stress, and you need better, more effective ways to explore and express what you are feeling. 

Are you familiar with S.A.F.E. Alternatives? It's a nationally recognized "treatment approach, professional network, and educational resource base, committed to helping you and others achieve an end to self-injurious behavior."

You say you're not doing anything good for yourself, but I disagree. I thing you can congratulate yourself for recognizing and acknowledging your need for help, and for having the courage to ask for it. Now it's time to take the next step, and I wish you all the best.  

 

[kayc]

Shari,

You are smart enough to realize they aren't good for you, so I think you already know the answer...you know it's not dating them, and it certainly isn't cutting.  Cutting is a sign that all is not right, it's an outlet for your feelings...what would be better is seeing a therapist that can help you open up and deal with these feelings rather than hurt yourself with them.  I applaud you for being open and honest here, it's almost a cry for help and I hope you will heed it.  You are young and beautiful and I know that doesn't always match the self-esteem we carry because that's affected by so many things, but it's what a therapist can help you look at and deal with.  You won't be alone forever and meanwhile, there's no rush, you do have time on your side.  The best way to prepare yourself for the future you want is to deal with these things now rather than putting them off.  I'm glad you're able to recognize some things within yourself, that's the first step to a better tomorrow.  I hope you'll check into the link Marty posted.