Sudden loss of my mother

[StaceyC]

My mother passed away very unexpectedly (heart attack) on October 3, 2015. My birthday was November 1 and it was horrible. Then the one month mark of her passing was nearly unbearable.  Simply put, I am lost and can barely find the strength to get through the next minute or hour, much less each day.  

I am originally from the US, and all my family is still there, but I currently live in South Korea. I am single with no children and have no family nearby for support. I flew home to be with my father and help with arrangements but had to return to Korea for work after only 3 weeks away. I just don't know what to do. I feel completely lost and alone.  My parents are, or rather were, the foundation of my life.  I desperately want to be back home with my father.  I want my mama. 

My colleagues and acquaintances have been gracious and kind, but I feel that no one really gets the full impact of my loss.  My mom was 68, active, and seemingly in good health.  It was, and is, a complete shock to all who knew her. She wasn't sick, she wasn't old, I thought I had another 25 or 30 years with her!!!  I miss her so much.  I feel guilty for feeling like people just don't understand. When someone asks, "How are you doing?" I just want to SCREAM "How do you think I'm doing???" Of course, I don't. I simply say, "I'm fine, thank you for asking."  I know they mean well but it's just awful.  Awful.  I've been back at work just over a week and I feel people don't understand why I'm not back to normal ~ whatever that is.  

[Degasgirl]

Oh I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I lost my mom rather in expectantly in July. It must be so hard not having family around. I have just joined a grief support group that is for daughters without mothers. I found it through a local hospice center- even though my mother was not in hospice. I would reach out to a hospital or hospice center to see if you can find any kind of support group. It is very helpful to be around others who are experiencing loss and understand how you're feeling. A local church might also offer a group of this kind. I still have days where I feel like this just cannot be real. Please see if you can find some kind of support group. I have found it to be very good.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss.  What a beautiful picture and I can see the resemblance!  You must miss her very much.  My mom died last year.    Just today I was wishing she was here so I could talk to her.  Sometimes I talk to her or my late husband anyway.

[StaceyC]

Thank you both for your kind words of support.  I am going to look for a grief support group for Westerners here in Seoul ~ as soon as I have the energy to do so.  It helps to just write and get my feelings out there and hear from others that understand.  I've never written a post of any kind before so this is very new to me.  I'm not normally the kind to put myself out there, so thank you for your understanding and acceptance.

Edited November 7, 2015 by StaceyC

[jame57]

Heartfelt condolences on the loss of your mum.  I lost mine last year and it's still so painful.  What you're experiencing is excrutiating and at the same time, normal.

You wonder how life can be so unfair and that  somehow the world carries on all around you.  Others around you just don't get your pain and say all sorts of things they think are helpful but simply make you feel worse.  Keep posting on this wonderful forum, read previous posts and you'll know you're not alone (not that that makes you feel easier) and we understand.

[StaceyC]

Thank you, James.  It's hard to fathom that something so painful and foreign is also so normal, yet it is.  I find myself angered by others around me when they chat about their day or their recent vacation - don't they understand I just don't care? Is that mean for me to feel that way?  

I finally made it through a phone call with my dad without crying today. I guess that's progress. 

[iPraiseHim]

My Mother passed when she was 69. in November eight years ago.  You are not crazy.  you are experiencing real grief because you loved her much. This is a great forum to get the feeling out of you head and shared with people who have gone through and/ or going through your real trauma. Your life has changed.  Focus on taking care of your health (sleeping, eating, exercising, etc...) and share, journal and find what works to help you cope with your loss.  Keep coming back.  We care. Shalom

[jame57]

Stacey,

When I lost mum I hurt so much I thought that no one had ever felt like I did and could not believe I could last a week let alone a year.  It's your grief, you own it and it's scary.  Take it one day at a time and take things easy and take care of yourself as ipraisehim wisely advises.  It's not mean to not be interested in people's trivialities and small talk.  You're hurt is the focus of your attention and you're perfectly normal.  You mention you didn't cry when you spoke to your dad.  It's fine to cry when you need to and whilst you were being strong for your dad never be ashamed to cry.  If it makes friends or colleagues uncomfortable that's their problem.  Of course, it's fine not to cry.....grieve your own unique way in your own time frame.

Wishing you peace.

[Degasgirl]

I STILL can't talk to my dad without crying. It's been 4 months. I feel so sad for him too to be alone after 55 years. Their 56th anniversary would have been last week. Everything about calling my dad and talking to him reminds me of my mom. I have tears now just thinking about.

[jame57]

I still find it difficult to talk about mum without feeling teary.  She was such a part of my life and always will be just as your mum will always be part of yours.  

 

[deb1]

I'm sorry for your loss Stacey. I can relate a bit to you (although I know that each experience is different), as my mom passed away at age 47, just 3 months ago, from a heart attack and no heart problem history. I too live in a different country across the ocean and only stayed with my father and brother for a month.

I guess grief is something very lonely. Even when I was back home with the rest of my family I felt I was alone. I feel alone back to where I live even though I have my fiance to support me. I think the only thing that would make us feel not alone is to have our moms back. It hurts so much that this is not possible!! I also feel horrible when people ask me how I'm doing or others that just seem to completely have forgotten. We wish the world would stop and give us time to heal, but that is also not possible.

What do I do? I speak everyday to my mom, tell her how much I miss her, sometimes buy flowers and lit candles. But also try to distract myself. I've started a language course, I'm cooking a lot and try to watch lots of movies and series with easy. This might not be right, this might not be your way...unfortunately I imagine there is no recipe. I also don't feel ok yet. Probably I didn't help, I don't have very inspirational things to share as it's also very recent for me, but I just wanted to let you know that there are some of us who can understand what you're feeling and if you need to talk, let me know.

And btw, that is a very nice picture of you and your mom.

[StaceyC]

Thank you all so much for your messages. Everyone has been so supportive and I'm thankful I found this site.  

Deb, I too talk to my mom every day- I keep a small urn of her ashes on my nightstand.  I watch lots of  TV to keep myself semi-distracted.  I love to cook but really haven't gotten back into it yet.  That was something my mom and I shared and it's so hard to go in the kitchen without feeling just miserable.  I have yet to make a meal.  Even though everyone's grief is different I can relate to you and your situation since you are far from home as well.  I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your mother.  I'm here if you need to talk. 

I worry so much about my dad. We talk each day on FaceTime so we can see each other. Thank goodness for technology since I'm so far away.  He seems to be functioning pretty well with the basic daily tasks and tackling some of the issues with insurance and retirement accounts my mom had. However, he told me he hasn't turned on the stove once. So basically he hasn't had a decent meal since I left two and a half weeks ago.  I ordered some gourmet frozen meals for him and they arrived last Friday.  When we spoke this morning he said he'd finally had one for lunch - so he's "had his meal for the day".   He is a wonderful cook and enjoys it, but like me, it's too painful to go into the kitchen.  It just tears me apart to not be there to cook and care for him right now.  I think it would be good for both of us.  He needs the help and I need to take care of him. 

Thanks for "listening"...

[kayc]

I, too, miss my mom.  I'm glad your dad has you.

[newnormal]

Are you in the military or possibly a school teaching program?  My son is also going through the same thing in Korea but he is in the military.  

To make you feel better, I have not cooked a meal as a woman who did before for four months now. No point.  it is just me.  I will eventually but I eat salads now or snack.  Great diet  lol.  I have lost 30 pounds in 4 months but guess what, I needed to. I eat okay.  It is just different so when you see your Dad don't be alarmed.  We aren't eating anymore "with" someone.  We are eating to function.  Nothing wrong with that, just a different mental thought.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Just understand I realize how difficult it is being in a foreign country mourning by yourself worrying about a parent. That said, as a parent with a kid overseas, well, ditto. Mine imploded.  Best kid ever, boom over his fathers death which also was a heart attack unexpectedly.  Widow maker. 

 

[StaceyC]

I teach at a private international school in Seoul.  I am fairly close to the Yongsan area where one of the military bases is located.  Not sure if your son would like to talk but I'm here. 

I too have lost some weight - I joked that my mom would be proud of me. We were always talking about healthy food and "trying" to lose weight.  I'm single so I'm used to eating alone and it's never been much of a joy.  My joy comes from cooking for others - friends, family, and colleagues.  I'm so thankful for my "work family", otherwise I'm not sure what I would be eating.  I don't have the energy or desire to even prepare a salad.  My poor dad.  All I can think is that he's stuck eating alone for the first time in nearly 50 years. 

My best friend here in Seoul lost her father in a tragic accident on Tuesday so I spent yesterday with her, helping her prepare to fly back to the States.  It's strange to say, but it really helped me to be able to help her.  

 

[Jeannine8]

Dear Stacy

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in August, quite unexpectedly. Her sisters are many years older and all survive her.  I live on the opposite coast of my family, so the solo process of mourning began when I returned from her funeral week.  That truly, truly has sucked.  If I didn't have 2 dogs, I'm not sure I'd have gotten up in the morning.  Sometimes I forget she's gone, and then it hits me all over again. I have even had hairdressers wash & blow dry my hair for about 10 weeks, b/c I found it too exhausting to blow dry and set my hair til about 2 weeks ago.  (Yeah, I'm super high functioning, NOT).

Thanksgiving back east was weird and comforting and bittersweet. It was at my sister's house (where my mother lived & died), and we only got thru about a third of mom's things before we realized it was way too much too soon.  I still cannot wrap my brain around her permanent absence, even on a conceptual level...and this is a "natural life event"??  It feels very unnatural to me.  

I  have a grief counselor who has been a Godsend. At her suggestion, I'm reading a super helpful book called Healing Through the Dark Emotions, which I highly recommend.   It is helping me process my grief, without prolonging it.  

Stacy - Here are 3 random things I've learned, (some of which) were helpful.  

First, like your mom, my mom died without warning. I found the suddenness shocking, numbing and horrific.  I kept wishing for more time.  Then just a few weeks later, a dear friend of mine lost her mom to lung cancer.  In truth, her mother's death sounded really brutal.  So I think the one thing worse than  our moms passing away without warning, is wishing  they would pass away - to ease their suffering.  

Second, sounds as if you and I are cursed AND blessed by having good mothers we really loved deeply, b/c we miss them terribly.  When a neighbor told me she could "not stand her" own mother & that they "were never close", I was pretty freaked out. I guess I assumed we all loved our moms a lot.  

So I am working on feeling more gratitude for the mother I had.  I was truly fortunate to have her nurturing me and supporting me. She was a constant source of loving support.  I'm hopeful that we will meet again someday.  I hope to be the type of mother she was, to my own children.

Finally, I read that "the death of a mother is the first sorrow wept, without her."    That resonates with me.

Keep on posting and keep on keeping on. 

 

 

Edited December 3, 2015 by MartyT
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[Jeannine8]

PS

 

I totally get why it helped you to help the friend who lost her dad. I'm finding that I stay in touch more now, & feel closer to friends who have lost their parents or moms .  Only they can really "get" what I'm feeling.  It makes sense. 

And for future reference - the next time a friend of mine loses a parent, I will be there for them in any way I can. It meant so much to have friends' & family support, (and it hurt when it did not come.)  

[kayc]

Jeannine8,

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom too...it's been a year ago in August for me.  I feel the same way, I would be with anyone in a heartbeat that lost someone because I truly understand how it feels.  I made special cards for every family member and wrote something special on each one.  Not one person commented about them or returned the gesture, it amazed me.

[Degasgirl]

I lost my mom in July and I totally understand what you mean about feeling closer to friends who have also gone through the experience. And I have to admit, I do not think I had been as present and there for others in the past when they lost someone. Only now do I really understand the magnitude of it. I would react much differently now if a friend lost a parent. It makes me feel bad that I did not understand just how painful the loss is.

[hollowheart]

9 minutes ago, Degasgirl said:

I lost my mom in July and I totally understand what you mean about feeling closer to friends who have also gone through the experience. And I have to admit, I do not think I had been as present and there for others in the past when they lost someone. Only now do I really understand the magnitude of it. I would react much differently now if a friend lost a parent. It makes me feel bad that I did not understand just how painful the loss is.

Same here. I know that I made myself believe that because they were functional in front of my face. Maybe a little teary and solemn, but not weeping and wailing and walking around outside in their pajamas, that I Believed they were handling it and were OK. I knew that when my friends and family (and it has not been that many) lost someone it was horrible and sad, but I didn't even think about just how many emotions and feelings we go through.

Because my life had not changed and was not impacted by the death, I couldn't understand it. I hate how a significant death changes you. 

[MartyT]

On 12/4/2015, 5:50:55, hollowheart said:

I hate how a significant death changes you. 

Because the death of your sister is so recent, hollowheart, you are understandably focused on her absence from your life and on all that you have lost. As you continue to examine all that her death means and how it has affected you, eventually the day will come when you begin to recall all that her presence in your life has meant to you as well.

I want to share some readings with you that I hope will offer you some understanding and comfort:

The Choice to Heal: The Five Insights

Healing with Hurt: Using Your Pain To Help Others

A Moment That Changed Me: The Death of My Sister and The Grief That Followed

[Thwrangler]

Stacey,

 

i know now how you are feeling also. 

I lost my mom one month ago and I'm totally lost. I don't know what to do. I cry every day and miss her so much. 

She was my best friend and closest person in my life. I hurt so much. 

She was only 66.

In the past 6 months she went thru so much. Triple bypass and value replacement. Then had to go on dialysis. She went home feeling good for 2 months and then we went on a one night getaway with my family and she had a massive stroke that late afternoon at the hotel. 

I blame myself for taking her away from her house for the night. I feel it was my fault she died!!!!

 

ill probably live with that blame the  rest of my life. 

 

I I miss her so much it will never get better!

 

todd

[kayc]

Todd, I am so sorry for your loss.  I hope you will read through some of the other threads here so you can know your feelings are common...I doubt the outcome would have been any different had she been home, but guilt seems to attack us no matter how loving we were to them.  I hope in time you will learn to let it go and remember the wonderful relationship you shared.

[jame57]

Todd,

So sorry for your loss.  Losing our moms is devastating and it will take you a long time to process all your emotions.  On my journey I've learnt that guilt is normal yet is so awful to experience.  It's simply not your fault and she passed away on a family outing enjoying herself with those she loved.  It took me months to work through my guilt.....and it still surfaces at times.  The wonderful people on this forum have been incredibly helpful.  Wishing you peace.  Take care.

[Thwrangler]

I'm trying my best. But some days I can't help but cry most of the day.   I hope the pain will go away and so will the guilt I carry about taking her away for the night.

 

she was best friend and only person I could talk to about anything.

i wish I had a warning so I could have enjoyed the finally few days with her more than I did. 

When she was in the hospital back in June for her surgery. She was there for almost 2 months....I went up to see her everyday but two days. I kick myself that I didn't go those other 2 days!

then when she came home for 3 months before she died I would go over her house almost every day to make sure she was feeling ok and I also would take care of her weekly pill holder for each day and turned down her bed sheets. I miss her so much. 

My my life will never be the same. 

 

Thank you everyone for the kind words!