grief The Terrible Tragedy of my Mother.

[Unknown1012]

I am upset because my mother died on August 25, 2014 (last year) right before my birthday. (My birthday is August 24) I haven't been talking about it with anyone except this one friend who is a girl. However, I have had a lot of symptoms due to this loss. For example, my grades have gone down, I do not talk to any of my friends/teachers/family with the exception of a few. I also do not participate in class and I am mentally shutting down because I shut everyone else out. However, my parents are probably the most concerned. However, they also lied to me about my mother. Okay, well here is the whole story. I was 6 or 7 years old and she just vanished. I was so young at the time I did not care very much however I was a little upset at first. Then I turned 10 and I begged myself to see her again and this time, I was a bit more curious, so I asked my dad questions. I asked him "where was she?" and "When will she be home again?" My dad told me she was at a hospital. Then, a last month in October, they told me the truth. She was never in a hospital...she was in jail. She was a drug addict and she needed money to recover so she robbed a bank. When I found out this information. I got mad and depressed. All I do is yell at my dad's girlfriend who I yell at because I think she is trying to replace my mother even though she claims she is not. However, I am still in disbelief. It is really hard to get over this and I am forced to go to therapy but they make me. No matter how much I do not want to. I don't know what to do and I am always so down and upset. That is why I am here. Hopefully, one day I can get over my mother...I am upset and mad at her. But since she is not here, I feel like I redirect my anger at my dads girlfriend which seems silly but she is also the closest and easiest target. Now all I do is disappoint everyone with my grades and silence. One day...Please help me if there is any quick and efficient way to get over this stage of grief. Thanks everyone!

[kayc]

I am so sorry.  (My mom died August 21, 2014.)  

I hope you can try not to lash out at someone else because of this, it's not fair to them.  Can you talk to a school counselor?  Maybe it'd help to tell your dad's GF why you've lashed out at her, and that you're sorry. It would really help you to go into the therapy and try and get some help from it, this is too big to try and handle on your own.  No, there isn't a quick way over grief, it's important to let yourself feel it, own it, and work your way through it.  It's good to express yourself but in a more positive way that doesn't hurt others.  It's also important to know that your feelings are just that and they are valid.  That doesn't mean you should act on them.  I really hope you will see a counselor, forced or not, it'd be there to help YOU.

[Unknown1012]

I am so sorry.  (My mom died August 21, 2014.)  

I hope you can try not to lash out at someone else because of this, it's not fair to them.  Can you talk to a school counselor?  Maybe it'd help to tell your dad's GF why you've lashed out at her, and that you're sorry. It would really help you to go into the therapy and try and get some help from it, this is too big to try and handle on your own.  No, there isn't a quick way over grief, it's important to let yourself feel it, own it, and work your way through it.  It's good to express yourself but in a more positive way that doesn't hurt others.  It's also important to know that your feelings are just that and they are valid.  That doesn't mean you should act on them.  I really hope you will see a counselor, forced or not, it'd be there to help YOU.

Thanks a lot. I know it is not fair to them but they are the closest target to them. I also think it is not fair...but I know I have to deal with it...and I do talk to a therapist..I have been a little more open however, I cannot stop from becoming what I will become. I keep thinking to myself "Am I turning into my mother?" But I realize I do the same things she did....as a kid. I guess I am too late...I will turn into my mother...I am still trying to avoid turning into her bad self. But will I? I do not know. I am also sorry for your loss. Feel Better!

Edited November 16, 2015 by Unknown1012

[MartyT]

My friend, I am so sorry to learn of the death of your mother, especially under the circumstances you describe. Your grief is complicated by the fact that, from the very beginning, you did not know the truth about your mother's history and whereabouts. I can only imagine how this has shaken whatever trust you had in the parents who are raising you now. The anger you're feeling is certainly understandable.

You have enough insight to recognize that you're angry about all of this, and that you're misdirecting that anger onto your dad's girlfriend. Good for you for recognizing that. Still, you need to better understand where all that anger is coming from, and find more appropriate ways to deal with it. (See, for example, Is Anger One of The Stages of Grief?)  

You say that you are forced to go to therapy ~ something you don't want to do, which surely will affect how much or how little good it will do for you. Therapy or counseling is of little value if you're not comfortable with your therapist or counselor, or willing to share what's really on your mind and willing to work with the person to better understand and sort through what's bothering you and contributing to the anger you're feeling. Is this something you can talk to your dad about? Maybe it would help if you could work with a different counselor. Or maybe there is a teacher, a school counselor or another relative you can trust, who will listen to you without judgment. The point is that, if you don't "hit it off" with your current therapist, it's okay to find another you can relate to and work better with.

You ask if there is a quick and efficient way to "get over this stage of grief." Unfortunately, my friend, the answer is No. Grief at the death of a mother at your age is difficult enough, but the grief you are feeling is complicated by so many other factors ~ and it's just not realistic to think that you can make sense of any of this without some solid outside support and guidance ~ and that must come from an adult whom you know to be reliable and trustworthy. If you don't feel that way with your current therapist, then I hope you will let your dad know, and ask him to help you find a different one.

You say you cannot stop from becoming what you will become, you think it's too late, and you're afraid you will turn into your mother. These are legitimate concerns, but the very fact that you ARE concerned tells me that you recognize your own free will is operating here. You have lots of choices you can make in life, my friend, now and in the future, and your life will be whatever you choose to make of it. It may help you to know that "more than 2.7 million children in the U.S. have an incarcerated parent, and about 10 million children have experienced parental incarceration at some point in their lives." What is more, "a misperception exists that children of incarcerated parents are more likely to be incarcerated than their peers, and are predisposed to criminal activity. There is no basis for this in existing research" [Source: New York Initiative for Incarcerated Parents].  

Here is an article that I hope you will read, written by another young man whose parents were in prison during his childhood: Youth Voices: Kendall

[kayc]

Marty has already addressed your post very well, and I agree...you are not destined to become anything you do not wish to be.  YOU are in charge of your destiny.  These are concerns it'd be really good to talk over with your therapist so they can help give you some pointers and guidance of what to work on, what to avoid.  It is never too late.  Even those incarcerated have to work on themselves so that when they get out they will be able to stay out and not continue on the path they started on.  Being aware and acknowledging it is the first step! Good luck!

[Unknown1012]

 

I know what you mean with the fact that I do not like this therapist, I do not like therapy in general and I cannot stand to talk about my feelings with anyone quite honestly. Though I can choose what I WILL be, I know that her death has affected my decisions lately which will certainly contribute to my newer decisions. Thanks for the advice though. It's not like I am mad because she was in jail, I was more upset because they did not tell me where she was honestly. Instead they lied to me but when/if I lied/lie I get in trouble. Even though they are adults, I still had a right to know

Edited November 17, 2015 by Unknown1012
This is what I meant to say up above

[kayc]

I hope instead of making a predetermination that you will not like therapy or the therapist, that you can try to keep an open mind just a bit...just enough to consider that maybe, just possibly, therapy might be just what you need to make your way through this so you aren't totally scathed.  Yes, you are in charge of your own destiny, but sometimes we need help seeing what we need to know to get there.

I'm sorry you feel lied to.  Maybe it'd help to tell them that.  Try to stick to that issue alone though and remain calm and listen for their response and reasons.  Consider that sometimes people may do the wrong things and yet still mean well and love you.

[Unknown1012]

Okay thanks but I always find excuses to avoid my true feelings. Which leads to me changing. I also led myself to get detention tomorrow after school. I am learning my lesson though...I am starting to talk to people...but only a guidance counselor. I also talk to one my friends, M**a  (Sorry for the astricks, I dont want to say he name on a public site without her consent) but she is the one friend I talk to about all of my feelings. I am feeling much better...thank you for that.

[kayc]

A guidance counselor and a friend is a start!