Still in the first year of loss

[JHCP]

So my fiancé was an older man. He provided for me. He was my very best friend in the world and my everything. When he died because of our age difference (20 yrs) I have to admit I wondered if part of my grief was over the changes and not the loss. That made me feel guilty and allowed me to push forward without being fully affected by the grief. Today I am 9  months into this nightmare of losing my everything. I have 2 full time extremely well paying jobs. More work=good distraction from grieving. I am finding myself tonight realizing that I never needed his support. Nor did I ever ask for it. He gave it because he loved me so much! I feel a new sense of grief. I am realizing in a new way that my relationship was valid even though I always knew it was, seeing that even though I can thrive on my own I still feel that I have lost my other half has thrown me into a new and deeper state of grieving. I don't know why I let people's opinions of my relationship affect how I grieved. But I did. Yet another reason to feel guilt over my loss. I wish there was a way to get through this awful time in my life without feeling so confused. I have been doing great until recently. I don't know if it is that these will be the first holidays away from him in 8 years, or if I just have not allowed myself the time to grieve because I have wanted to be okay so badly when in reality I am not. Every day I miss my lost love. Everything about him. I have been dating someone new for a few months now and to be honest he is great. But I find myself still missing my jack so often that I don't know what I am doing sometimes! Is it too soon to give love another chance? I just keep second guessing myself because I have not allowed the grief to fully process. I think moving on is important! I am 30. I am young and beautiful and deserve love. I know I learned a lot from Jack and my relationship that I can carry with me through the rest of my life. I just am questioning myself. I am feeling guilt. I am missing my best friend and most of all I am trying to just figure out my life. I have moved from southern Cali to Vegas for 6 months to northern Cali which is where I am now. I wanted to escape my routine with jack. I realized Vegas wasn't the place and needed a new environment. I don't have many friends up here and am missing them and my family and am just having a rough night and can't sleep. Sorry I am all over the place I am just having a really rough night. I would love support and feedback please. 

Cp

[kayc]

Whether it's too soon is something only you can answer.  For many of us it would be, but you are not us, and for many more it wouldn't be.  I hope you can see a grief counselor and they can help you figure things out for yourself.  It's important you let your new man know that you are still grieving and it doesn't have a set time when it'll be over, as it'll be important for him to understand that if he is to proceed with you.

It sounds like you are learning about yourself.  You are still very young and it's been good for you to learn that you can take care of yourself, that you don't need someone to take care of you, but that you prefer to have someone to enjoy life with.  Knowing those things about yourself is a step in the right direction of learning what you want.

[JHCP]

This has been such a period of change you are right it has revealed a lot about myself. I feel like I put a bandaid on my grief sometimes. I feel like it needed stitches but I am afraid of getting them so I have temporarily fixed myself so that I could function. Functioning was important for my survival. It still is. I feel guilty and want to rip off the bandaid but am afraid everything will fall apart again.