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Break up after partners Mum died


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I have been reading other posts with keen interest regarding this topic and hope I can get some advise. My boyfriend and I are both 40 and have known each other since our early school days however we hadn't been in contact for 20 years apart from being FB friends. Anyway, we recently reconnected and things went at lightening speed!! Our connection was like nothing either of us had experienced before and we were both blown away but very happy to have found 'true love'. He adored me and I him and he was constantly telling me how happy I made him. I was aware when we first go together that his Mum was in the final stages of cancer but he assured me that he was ready for us and that it is what his Mum would have wanted - for him to be happy. He actually took me to see her in her hospice because he wanted us to meet before her death. 2 days before his Mum's death he was beginning to pull away from me, but I understood that her dying was imminent and told him I understood. He constantly told me how grateful he was that I was there for him and I assured him that it would always be the case. The night she died I was with him and when he returned from the hospice he just wanted to 'get drunk and be normal'. However the next day I think realty set in and when he came round that evening he lost his temper over something trivial and walked out. Again I understood and told him that. However the next day he texted saying he needed time alone and asked me to understand. I replied saying I did understand and to get in touch when he was ready. 4 days passed and the day of the funeral arrived. I attended but stayed out of sight so as not to distress him. I did however text him afterwards to say that I thought the service was lovely and that he was still in my thoughts. He responded positively and I then suggested coffee to which he said 'I think we should, that would be nice'. So we set up a coffee date for 2 days in advance but when I messaged him on the day he said that he wasn't going to manage. I asked him if he would like me to stop getting in touch and he replied that he thought it would be best as he had nothing to give to a relationship of any sort and that he was sorry. I sent a long heart felt message back saying that I understood, that I would respect his wishes and telling him how much I cared about him and reminding him to look after himself. That was 5 days ago and I had no reply and nothing since. I'm so worried about him! I love this man and prior to his Mum dying I know he was in love with me. I so desperately want to be there for him but I don't want to force him! I don't know whether I should send him a message to say that I'm still here for him or just leave him. I was planning on leaving it for a few weeks then sending a card with a letter for him but I don't want him to think I've abandoned him. Can anyone advise??

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I know this must be terribly hard for you, my dear, and I'm so sorry that it's happening to you. Life just isn't fair, and you are in the middle of a heavy dose of unfairness now.

I am struck by the beautiful message you sent to your boyfriend, and if you meant what you said and believe what you wrote, then I think it's safe to think that your man is taking you at your word. Remember what you said: "that I understood, that I would respect his wishes and telling him how much I cared about him and reminding him to look after himself."

You also quote him as saying it would be best if you stopped getting in touch "as he had nothing to give to a relationship of any sort and that he was sorry." Bear in mind that this is a description of how he is feeling at this time, but that does not mean he will feel this way forever. If you've read anything about grief, or read some of the posts in these forums, you will see that his response to the death of his mother is well within the bounds of normal. Grief is a process, and it does change over time ~ especially if the person is willing to work with it in a healthy way. I encourage you to think of this time as your allowing him time and space to mourn ~ and also as your opportunity to use this time to learn all that YOU can about what is normal in grief, because that will help you to know how best to support your boyfriend through this challenging experience. You might start with this article: Helping Another in Grief. See also Grief: Understanding the Process.

I think it's also important that you recognize your own feelings at this time, and that in a sense, you are feeling the pain of grief as well: the pain of seeing your boyfriend in pain, and the pain and uncertainty of not knowing for sure if the two of you will weather this storm and stay together ~ what we know as ambiguous loss, or a loss that leaves you fluctuating between hopefulness and hopelessness. I hope you have someone you can trust who will give you a caring and listening ear ~ and certainly you have all of us here to support you through this challenging time.

 

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Thank you so much for your reply Marty.  I have to confess that I have spent the last 10 days trawling the Internet about grief and its affect on relationships and it has left me very disheartened to read that a lot of people don't reconnect after this sort of break up. I am reminding myself daily that if its meant to be it will find a way, but I'm at a loss to work out how we are ever going to re-connect whilst we have no contact. Hence the reason I thought I would send a Xmas card and letter in 3-4 weeks. To let him know that I'm still here for him and that he is in my thoughts. I also thought about naming a star after his Mum as a Xmas present but worry that this would be over stepping the mark so have decided against it. I did write him a letter the night his Mum died. It said....

I know there is nothing I can do or say that will help with your pain or make things better for you right now. But what I CAN do is offer you my affection without any expectations at what must be the most difficult point in your life. If you need a cuddle it's here. If you need to talk I'll listen without judgement. If you need company without talking that is there too. If you need space just say so. If you need someone to hold you while you go to sleep my bosom is your pillow. If you need to get drunk, I'll buy the bottle. Even if you just need to be round someone and be 'normal' I'll crack the jokes. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I understand you may be feeling that you don't have much to give to us at the moment but I'm right here for you if you will let me be. I'm not going anywhere unless that's what you want. I'm thinking about you....always xxx

I just hope he has kept it and will re-read it at some point. He said it meant a lot to him at the time and that it was as if I had read his thoughts. I do think that I may have over stepped the mark last week when I tried to visit him - I texted and phoned but he didn't reply. I explained I just wanted to check if he was ok and that there was no pressure. The next day (our coffee date day) he called it off so I wonder if I was too pushy? 

And you are right, I'm grieving in a way too and it's hurts so badly that both of us are mourning a loss but can't do it together. My friends and family are not understanding unfortunately. They say move on and that he has no right to treat me like this. So I am keeping it to myself hence the need for this forum. Any more advice would be appreciated about contact. I wonder if I even enter his thoughts during this horrible time for him

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Dear one, you sound like such a loving and compassionate person, and my heart just hurts for you. Bear in mind that your beloved may not even know what he needs right now, so be careful about asking him to tell you. What you've written is lovely ~ you've covered all the bases, and beautifully. Let him be the one to choose, but understand that he may not be capable of knowing what he needs or wants from you. As you say, because it is in writing, he can read and re-read your letter at any point. I suggest that you do the same thing, and do your best to turn your words into actions. In other words, do your best to say what you mean and mean what you say. 

I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. I don't think it helps to hear from others that your beloved has no right to treat you this way. That just tells me how little they know and understand about grief. Here, we DO understand, so I hope you will keep pouring your heart out to us. You are safe here with us. 

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I love the last letter you sent and I think you should consider that 'closure' for yourself and let that letter be the end for now. You can only send so many "last letters." I can only imagine how heartbreaking this is for you and I feel it in your words and how you are reacting. He said that it would best for you to not contact him because he doesn't feel he has anything to give right now. I can believe that is true. It takes work to be in a relationship, maybe he doesn't want to feel needy.

You sound like such a great person and I love that you would be extra careful and thoughtful during this time, not asking for anything in return from the relationship and also not trying to 'move him on' from his grief, instead just being there. He has to figure things out for himself. Everytime you send you something and he doesn't reply you will turn it around on yourself and end up creating scenarios that aren't true--that he's angry, that he didn't see it, that he's annoyed--and it will keep you in a state of helplessness and hopelessness. It's always easier said than done to let this go for now, I"m sure your family has said the same, but he is there and he is aware. When he wants and needs to contact you he will.

 

 

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Thank you so much for the invitation to 'pour my heart out' Marty as it's exactly what I need to do but I can't do it with my friends and family because of their concern over his behaviour. He has not been unkind to me and infact I think it has taken a lot of guts for him to be open and honest with me. If I'm truthful I almost wish that he had been awful to me so that I would get angry. Instead I've been left with this deep sorrow for him and also for myself. Who knows what could of been? I'm scared to let him go from my thoughts as I'm not ready to just write this off. It was too real between us for me to do that. I worry as well that he will take my silence as a sign I don't care or that I have moved on and just write us off for good. It's catch 22! Respect his need for time alone and risk losing him forever or remind him I'm still here and risk pushing him away even further?? I worry that I have been over kind to him in his time of grief as well and that he has perceived this as a weakness by putting him before myself??

 

Hollowheart - thanks so much for your reply it brought me to tears. The letter I quoted wasn't out last contact. It was a letter I had written for him on the night his Mum died when I was with him which he appreciated greatly. There has been communication between us via text since then which obviously ended with him saying he had nothing to give to a relationship right now. He re-enforced the point it was just him nothing else and apologised. I sent a kinda long text message after that explaining....actually I'll put it here for you to see.... 

Believe it or not, I do understand that your head and emotions are gonna be all over the place right now. I know this because as you said we are the same. I haven't been trying to force you into anything by keeping in touch. I'm just trying to show that I care and be compassionate through your grief. I don't want you to think I just abandoned you when the going got tough which is why I keep checking in with you to let you know I still care. Not to bombard or suffocate you!! My silence between checking in doesn't mean you aren't in my thoughts - I'm just respecting your need for time to yourself. We had something special and rare between us. But I know that you already know that. Like you always said mirror images. I care deeply for you. Take that however you want to - I'm not ashamed to admit or fear my feelings. This has very much been a case of the right person but wrong time so I'm going to respect your wishes and stop contacting you if that's what you really want. You take care of yourself and those wrinkles of yours ;). I hope your coupons come in (not as much as I hope mine do tho haha). Be kind to yourself. Much love and big hugs from one rocket to another xxx

I tried to put a couple of our 'in jokes' in the message to balance out the heaviness and remind him of what we were, but re-reading it now it probably doesn't come across very well. I could kick myself.  My friend read it and said that it comes across as me leaving the door open for him and that he should've responded, but that wasn't my intention. My intention was to let him know that I cared, that my silence wasn't an act of abandoning him and that I understood and would respect his wishes. Normally our messages would be full of I love you and excitement about being together but it didn't seem appropriate to burden him with I love you'd. He didn't reply. There was nothing to reply to after all. He's kept me on his FB too. Do you think the message was too light hearted?? Or maybe even too heavy??

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All I can suggest to you, my dear, is to say to this man only what you really do mean, and to really mean whatever you decide to say to him. Be honest, not only with your boyfriend, but with yourself as well. Read the content of your message (above) and ask yourself if you really did mean what you said to him. If so, then just do what you said you would do: "I'm going to respect your wishes and stop contacting you if that's what you really want." You've said you will abide by his wishes, and it seems to me that now the ball is in his court, because that is where you've put it. Hard as it is to accept, as hollowheart said, when he wants to contact you, he will. This is the time for you to have faith in your relationship. If the love you have for each other is true, it will be there throughout this storm. 

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I am so sorry for what you're going through because I've been there.  We were engaged and when his mom was dying, he broke up with me by Fed Ex, so I didn't even get to respond.  He said he was sorry it didn't work out.  Months later, when we resumed talking, he said he was sleep deprived and just snapped, and he said he didn't have anything in him for a relationship.  He spent a year after her death settling her estate, spreading her ashes, dealing with her possessions and cat.  His calls were sporadic, sometimes every day for length, sometimes weeks could go by.  I let him set the tone.  Marty said something about you being between hopefulness and helplessness.  This is the part that drove me crazy.  He'd lead me to believe we'd get back together, then he'd pull back, it was wreaking havoc with my emotions.  Finally I had to shut off just to handle it, I put a wall of protection around my heart for my own sanity.  I couldn't take the continual heartbreak!  Once I accepted that we were friends and had no expectation of anything else, it went much better.  He sometimes fluctuated, but I recognized that was something HE would have to deal with.  

Fast forward over five years.  We are very good friends today.  I am so glad I didn't just write him off, but you see, I saw value in him, he's a wonderful person.  Even though it's highly unlikely we'd ever get married, I have learned to value the value of his friendship in and of itself.  We know each other better than we ever have.  We can tell each other anything.  And I love his sense of humor.  He recently experienced congestive heart failure and I was there for him.  Today his ex-wife lives with him, not as a couple or anything, but because at age 60 she found herself homeless and unable to get a job.  It is his beautiful heart and great sense of humor that first attracted me to him, so I couldn't fault him for those very same things!  I just encourage him in not letting her get to him (she has a caustic tongue) even if he has to remind her that it is HIS house, and to encourage her to earn her keep by helping out around there (he has a roommate as well).

You are right that people seldom make it as a couple after this, but try not to worry about what WILL be and accept what is right now, if you can.  I know it's hard, that's a tall order.  It'd help if right now you could focus on yourself and reconnect with family and friends that you may not have had much time for lately.  Now would be a good time to take up a hobby or sign up for a class or ask for overtime, or clean your house thoroughly.  Maybe volunteer your time somewhere.  Make sure to take care of yourself, eat healthy, go for walks, join a gym.   Let this time be about you, while he takes his time for himself that he needs.  Who knows what the future holds, but by not putting demands on him or pressure, it frees him to feel more able to turn to you if and when he is ready.  The surefire way to lose him would be to put pressure on him, and believe me, it doesn't take much to seem like pressure to him.  Right now he is living in a pressure cooker and has so much to deal with.  I hope he's seeing a grief counselor, but again, that's up to him.

I hope you'll feel free to come here when you're having a hard day or can't sleep.  Your family & friends may be down on him for "what he's done to you", so I hope you can tell them it is a normal grief response and he needs his space right now, and right now, you go on living.

I'm so sorry, I know this is one of the hardest things to go through.  My house got very clean five years ago!  (I wish it'd stayed that way).

 

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Kayc, your story sounds similar to the way I am or have treated a man I was seeing. I met this man online and we became friends, and little by little we got closer and closer to where I really did start to love him. Even with that said, I still wanted him to come to see me, make plans to come out my way and we could have lunch or something, I didnt' have a car and it would be harder for me to get to him. He only lives a little over 3 hours away. We dragged out this online/phone relationship for 4 years, if you can believe that. How pitiful.

Making plans to meet, never going through with it. Every time I brought up him coming to see me he turned it into a HUGE production. It couldn't just be lunch at some deli or something, it had to include some dinner or a broadway show and he wanted to come to my house and meet my family. (???) Meet my family before I even meet you? Not to mention he never made any effort to make any of these plans or find out what we could do or where we could meet, he just liked talking about if for hours. And hours. Long story short, I gave up on the going nowhere relationship and said we will just be friends.(I found out years later his financial difficulties which is probably why he never wanted to do anything, but that's stuff I need to know! We all have money problems!) 

But he was SO in love with me and still is. I ended it, but then ended up calling him when I was so grief stricken over my sister just to talk and also let him know what happened to me. He had been a great friend in the past.

I can tell he believes that door has been opened again and his feelings have flared up,  but I no longer have any romantic interest in him. And I do feel guilty that I used him for my own grief and opened that door again. However, I did tell him we are just friends, but he will say things that let me know he still has hope for us as a couple and I cringe. I have stopped calling him, I know I can't keep doing that.

Angelofthewest, I think your letter was just fine. It let him know all he needed to know also included some of yourself and your jokes together. That was a nice touch, it was sweet and touching all at once. If he doesn't get the picture that you still care for him and will be there when he is ready, no amount of letters will do that. I do hope that he can use you as a shoulder to lean on, to talk to when it gets overwhelming. With the guy I was (sorta) seeing, that is what I would need and want from him, not someone expecting a "girlfriend" right now.

So I'm glad you are offering that kind of support to him. Sometimes regardless of what we say or do, it's up to the other person to figure out what they need and when. I think even in several weeks if you have not heard anything, you can send a simple card saying you're thinking of him and hope he's OK. Nothing long and drawn out, so he does not feel like you are expecting something. It's just more of a 'checking in' kind of thing.

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Thanks to everyone for their responses. Today has been tough, very tough and I've just driven home from work crying to the point I could hardly see - triggered  by Adele's Don't you Remember song coming on the radio. It's been a week since we were last in touch and I'm having to sit on my hands at points during the day to avoid reaching out to him because I know it's not what he needs right now. I just want to be there for him and it breaks my heart. And then I start thinking 'who's there for me while I'm grieving my loss of him' and I get mad at him! I know he can't know how much pain I'm in - it would be too much for him right now so I just have to keep breathing in and breathing out, putting one foot in front of the other. It doesn't feel like it's over to me, but then I question whether I'm deluding myself. Sorry, I know I must seem like a rambling, selfish mad woman right now. Marty, you are right. I have to honour what I said. I have to respect him. It just goes against every fibre of my being to 'abandon' someone in their ultimate hour of need and that's what it feels like I'm doing - abandoning him. How is he ever supposed to know the love and support he could have from me when I have to keep my distance? I know, selfish again - I'm sorry :(. More selfish thoughts I have been having is what did I do wrong? Why wasn't I good enough? And then I have to kick myself and remind myself that he has just lost the number one person in his life and to stop It. Question for anyone who can help - is it common to know someone is going to die and think you are prepared for it but then to realise that you weren't prepared at all?? I have arranged to return to the gym tomorrow after not managing to get there for the last 3 weeks and I've arranged to go out this weekend. But nothing has any depth without him anymore which I imagine is how he feels about his life after losing his Mum. Sorry again for all my ramblings. My brain is a fog today x

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Dear one, you have not abandoned your beloved ~ but I imagine it must feel to you as if you have been abandoned by him. I don't know where you live, but here in the US we are headed toward "the holidays" (with Thanksgiving this week) ~ which for those of us who are grieving can be a most painful time of year. Remember that you too are grieving, and because you don't know if and when this pain will end, it is nearly unbearable. You are not being selfish, although it may feel that way. Think of it as taking care of yourself rather than being selfish. You have physical and emotional needs, too, and you've a right to have them and wish that things would be different. 

As to your question about being prepared for the death of someone, I'm sure our members can tell you that, even if they've been in the role of caring for a terminally ill loved one for months or years, it does not soften the blow of the reality of the death of their loved one. We simply do not and cannot know what such a loss will feel like until it actually happens. If there were a way to prepare for a loved one's death in advance and get all our pain out of the way beforehand, there would be no such thing as grief. 

Good for you for getting back to your regular exercise routine, and for making plans to go out this weekend. 

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HollowHeart, it sounds very different from my relationship with Jim.  We were engaged for a year, spending all of our time together when we weren't working.  It didn't go south until he started taking care of his dying mother.

Angel, your questioning yourself is very normal but I want to assure you this is about HIM and not about you, there's nothing you've done wrong.  We can be as perfect as possible and still the outcome is the same.  But it's not all over yet.  It takes a lot of faith to go on about your life, allowing him time and space to heal and deal with what he needs to, trusting he will get in touch with you when he is ready.  We cannot force ourselves on someone else and he simply is not in a ready state, and that's no fault of his or yours.  It is casualty of grief/loss, no more, no less.  But that doesn't mean it's over.  Only him and you can decide something more permanent.

I'm glad you're making plans and going about your life, I know how hard it is when it's the last thing you feel like doing, oh trust me, I know!  Good for you, you're doing the right things and I hope yours has the happy ending.  The thing is, there might be a lot of pain right now, but eventually, it will all work itself out.

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My plans for the gym today are on the back burner now after a night of very little sleep. I just can't seem to switch my mind off. I spoke to a friend last night who suggested I'm in the bargaining part of grief - 'if I just give him space maybe he'll come back'. I don't want to move onto acceptance because that means letting go of him and I can't turn my back on what was the greatest love of both our lives! Or maybe he decided it wasn't that after all....I just don't know because I can't speak to him. I've come back to bed this morning (I live in Scotland). I can't face anything or anyone else right now. I am reaching a point where I feel like I HAVE to get in touch with him. To reach out to him, to let him know I'm still here and will do anything I can to help. This is a bad idea isn't it????

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Remember, to breech his space right now would damage your relationship rather than help it.  I know it goes against everything you feel like doing within you.  I am fortunate in that I did not have a way to reach Jim after he broke up with me.  He was staying at his mom's and I did not have her address or phone number, besides I was strictly forbidden from coming over there because SHE didn't want to meet me and her wishes were all important to him at that time.  Evidently she could be quite a tyrant and the family had to fall in line to her wishes...she also held the title on Jim's house (long story) and it was me who had told him to make sure he got that taken care of before she died as it'd affect his future security.  I am proud of him for doing what he needed to do to take care of her, keep his promises to her, and not let his daughter swindle him out of his just due (also long story).  But had I tried to reach out to him at that time, it would have further damaged any possibilities with him.  I did try to call his friend once  just to find out if he was okay...I was very worried about him because of his sleep deprivation.  

Believe me when I tell you I know what you're going through and how hard this is.  Try to keep your goal in mind and that would be to put HIM and his grief ahead of yourself, and keep your word to him.  You will know in time if there is any possibility of getting back together, and if not, if there's any salvaging at least a friendship.  I consider my story a success story even though we never resumed coupledom, because we were able to preserve a very good friendship that will last our lifetime.  Perhaps more was not meant to be, but the friendship is very worthwhile!

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Thanks KayC. Your input is pricesless and I'm very grateful for it. I fear that he is struggling and too proud to reach out to me. He's a mans, man. Very confident, independent, resourceful and uses humour to deflect his depth. I worry that he is too proud to reach out to me and I also know he has a good heart so it's likely that he will be be thinking it would be unfair to push me and away and then pull me back so instead he will just let me go. I hope that makes sense. Another worry I have is that he has a very close female friend whom he told me was jealous of my relationship with him and who he suspected wanted more from him than just friendship. They had been intimate once in the past (about a year ago when first met again) but that nothing has come from it. She also lost her Mum 17 years ago and I worry that he has now turned to her and that I'll lose him completely. Given all this my primal urge is to reach out to him. Do you still suggest that I don't? Sorry to ask but I'm at sea right now and to make matters worse I ended up going back to bed and had a very lucid dream about his Mum visiting me (along with his Sister who is still alive) and how I made promises in the dream to his Mum to look after him. The mind can be cruel.

Thanks for info Marty. I read it with interest and it gives me some hope. It's been 2 weeks since we last saw each other and I had hoped that I would be feeling a bit better by now. But my heart won't let go of him no matter how much I try to convince it. I wonder if he even thinks of me in amongst his grief? 

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I just wanted to give you all a little update. This evening I gave into my urge to message D. I kept it short and just said that I wanted him to know that he was still in my thoughts and that if he needed anything I was there. I said that I didn't need or expect a reply but just wanted him to know. He replied immediately thanking me and said he needed a holiday. I replied with a joke about dusting off my magic carpet which didn't have any GPS because it was so old and he texted back immediately asking how I was and if I was out at the weekend.  Anyway, we've texted back and forth a few times since then. It's been kept light and humourful (our relationship was built on our similarities and sense of humour). And his last text just hinted that he may be going to the same event I'm invited to on Saturday night. I can't tell you how happy I am to have contact. All his messages are back to their usual 3 kisses at the end.  I know that I promised I wouldn't contact him BUT I had real concerns over this as knowing him like I do it was nagging at me that he would be too proud to reach out again. I expect nothing right now and I mean that whole heartedly. I'm not going to mention our relationship at this stage. I also know that he may drop out again but at least I now know how to deal with it....space, understanding, compassion all mixed with our usual dose of humour. To have this contact means so much to me. It feels like a ball of worry over his well being has been lifted from my churning stomach. Even if we never resume our relationship as it was, I can accept that now that I know we can communicate. I do understand that he is going to go through highs and lows so I will be extra careful not to put pressure on him about contact. I'll keep you all in the loop. 

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You are doing well to keep it light and NO RELATIONSHIP TALK!    Remember, he can easily take ANYTHING as pressure and will likely back off/retreat if that's the case.

Try not to worry about the other woman.  I understand your concerns there, but trust is important and if you try to talk to him about her right now, again that would be pressure and relationship talk and would likely have the opposite effect that you desire.  You're feeling the need for reassurance and that's understandable but he doesn't have anything in him to give right now.  And that's not because of your relationship, but the grief.

I'm sorry I wasn't available yesterday, I've been sick for a month and made the trek into the valley to go to the doctor again (third time this week) and was feeling so poorly I didn't get on the computer last night.

Hang in there, it may be a long haul and only you can decide if you are up to going through it, but if you've read the other threads, you already have an idea of what grief does and what the person needs.  

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KayC I'm sorry to hear about you being unwell. I hope you are getting the care you need. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply when unwell. I really appreciate it. I just wanted to give you all an update on how things are. D and I met up on Saturday and spent 2 days together. It was rather emotional at times and I am shocked to see first hand just how hard this has been on him. I mean I thought I already knew it was hard but seeing it up close and personal is another thing entirely. We have agreed to remain in each other's lives and just see how we go. I've promised him no pressure from me and he has agreed he would like to take baby steps. Our communication from the weekend has been steady by both text and phone calls every day and I'm going to his house for coffee tomorrow on my day off. However, I'm extremely worried about him. He's stopped going to work (he's self employed so this means no money coming in), speaks about running away, is either sleeping all the time or not able to sleep at all and is taking bouts of cutting himself off from the rest of the world. Don't get me wrong, he can hold a conversation with me, but from what I can tell he is going days without speaking to or seeing anyone! Can I presume this to be normal in the early stages of grief or should I be more concerned? I'm so glad to have our lines of communication open and our relationship back that I'm scared to say anything that I may think will help but instead could cause a rift. 

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I wish he would see a grief counselor, it sounds like he could use one.  We know you can't run away from grief,but he's not able to think clearly right now, his grief is all encompassing.  Has he seen a doctor?  

You ask if it's normal, yeah, pretty much anything's normal with grief.  We all respond differently to it, but this isn't unusual.  A lot of people want to pull the covers over their heads and not come out.  I had to return to work two weeks after my husband died, it was the hardest thing in the world, hard to focus, hard to do my job, harder still on a couple hours sleep, yet in a way it was my salvation, it forced me to get out, forced me to make effort.  People seem to respond to grief in one of two ways:  either they withdraw/isolate, or they try to keep so busy they don't have to think or face anything.  Balance is always good.  Trying to function in everyday life, while still taking time to grieve every day is key.  Is there any way you could get him to come here?  If you're worried about him recognizing your thread, you could as Marty to delete it.  It'd be easier if we could give him pointers than you, because right now anything you tell him is going to be sensitive.

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Thanks again for replying KayC. I've just come from his house just now. He admitted that he had not managed to sleep until 5am this morning and when he woke up at 11am he had considered turning off his phone and not seeing me today but changed his mind. I don't take this personally. I know that it is his grief. Anyway, he did see me. I took him lunch and we spoke straight away about how he has been feeling. I suggested phoning the doctor and he did. The doctor had a cancellation and was able to see him straight away. He asked me to take him to the doctors and He was given some medication to help with depression and sleeping. He was able to open up to me a little about how he isn't coping and about how he wasn't really coping before her death either but managed to hide it with his usual humour. I have reassured him that he can talk to me without judgement and he said sometimes it's hard to just start the conversation. Should I initiate the conversation from time to time?? I have also tried to reassure him that admitting he isn't coping is a positive step. I'm just so nervous around him Incase I say the wrong thing! 

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I remember feeling as you do.  It sounds like you live close by and that is a good thing.  I'm 75 miles away from my ex-fiance and wasn't able to drop in on him, plus wasn't sure it'd be welcomed anyway, so had to stick to phone and wait for him to invite me.  The first few years we only saw each other maybe once a year.  Now it's a little more often, but I've tried to follow his lead and be sensitive to him.  I realize he has a lot of issues to work out and it's probably best we didn't get married, but we remain very good friends.

You are doing and saying the right things.  I hope with time you can feel you aren't walking on eggshells any more, but I can relate to that feeling, been there!

I would go gingerly about bringing it up, if it goes okay, fine, otherwise, get out of that topic quick.  I found that my Jim would bring it up as he needed to talk, but everyone's different.  I think the need to talk about it exists for everyone, but WHEN that is may differ, as does WHO they talk to.

I'm so glad he went to the doctor.  I hope he is able to wean off the antidepressants in time because grieving is not the same as depression in cause, although the symptoms can be very similar, many doctors confuse that.  I'm glad he got something that will help him sleep.  It's hard to function if we can't sleep!

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