Daughter lost without mom

[Mom's angel]

In my 20years of living there was not a single day that I had spent without my mom. She was my world and I was hers. She was more like a best friend to me.. 
She played videogames with me, we went to trips together, she cooked food for me.. It was like she was for me and I was for her.. 
And then.. Within a matter of 3days I lost her.
I still cannot forget the moment when I saw her lying there numb.. I touched her she was cold.
I was not there with her when she took her last breathe.. It feels like everything that was within me collapsed.
Its been 23days and I still think that she'll magically appear from somewhere.
Whenever I see some nice thing or anything.. That first thing that hits me is-let me take it to mummy or let me ask mummy.. And then I realise she's no more- worst feeling ever. 
I cannot even die because my family loves me so much, they are like doing everything possible to make me happy.. But how can I be happy without the girl who meant the world to me.. 
Today's my exam. I was a first ranker and my mummy was so proud of me.. 
But I didn't studied for this exam.. 
She used to be awake with me till late at night so that I can concentrate.
There's a thought of her in everything I see. 
It seems like she died just yesterday.
I feel like quitting.. I don't want to study any more.
She was just 42..

[Ceili]

Oh my dear Mom's angel- I want to be with you and hug you. I wish I had words that I could say to help you, but I can't find them. This is my first Christmas without my mom and I don't feel like I am going to make it. I feel guilty because I am much older than you and had many more years with my mom/best friend. Oh I wish I could comfort you sweetheart. I feel like you - I can't even die because I don't want to hurt my siblings and my dogs. They try so hard to help me as well. I can say that I was feeling so much better until the holidays began. I know that someday you will reach a point in your grief where you feel that. This time of years intensifies every emotion that we feel - positive and negative. And your loss is so fresh. It has not even been a month. I am glad that you found this forum. You will find support and love given without judgment. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your mummy.  I hope you will go to the school counselor and maybe student aid and talk to them...try to get through this term if possible and then maybe take a break for a bit...when you're ready, go back and "do your mom proud".  

I do hope you'll get some grief counseling.  It's hard to lose your mom when you're so young...and she was too.

[Mom's angel]

Thank you so much for your kind words

[Mom's angel]

I went for my exam today it was okay.. Friends really supported me.. I haven't yet told the teachers about this..but I'll have to as I need a break..
The painful thing is that nothing has changed.. Everything's the same, just she's nowhere..

I loved my birthday.. She always does something special for me.. 
On my last birthday she told me that She'll do something extra special for me.. 
My birthday is in January.. It feels so bad.

My Relatives says everything will heal with time.. But my yearning for her increases every day..

Was it even necessary for her to die?
 I have never wished or meant any harm to anyone.. 
I don't know why god did this to me...,!
Why did he separated us.

I constantly feel her presence.. That's so comforting but I haven't yet received any sings from her..
 I wish heaven exists and I'll meet her again in heaven..

[Cathyc]

Mom's Angel, are you at college or university? I strongly encourage you to tell a teacher. They will likely know of counselling or support you can access at your college or university. They might also arrange for other exams to be delayed.

Or, if you can't bring yourself to tell a teacher, maybe get one of your friends to go with you.

[Mom's angel]

I'm in college.
I don't think so they can help and that's OK.. This are practical exams I  don't think so they'll stop or delay it for me.
Now just two more days.. Then I'll ask for a month's leave from college.

[kayc]

I don't think God did this to you, I think death is rather random who and when it strikes and it has nothing to do with how good the person was or how much we still needed them in our lives.  You can be the greatest person in the world and still lose the person closest to you, as all of us here can attest.

Heaven exists for you and your mum if that's what you believe...I do, and I look forward to being with my husband and loved ones again someday.

[Mom's angel]

But that's just not fair..  no  relative or friend of mine has lost his/her mother.. They're all with their mother.

After reading the experience of people here.. The feeling of loneliness is gone, I'm not alone..there are many people who have lost a loved one.. Maybe that's just what destiny is..

I'll pray that we'll all meet our loved one again.

[kayc]

Loss ISN'T fair.  Some live a short time, some a long time.  Some get 50 years with their husband, some lose them in the first year.  Some children die as a toddler, some outlive their parents.  Loss just isn't fair and equitable.  We aren't promised a certain number of years.  I guess that's why it's so important to live what we do have to the fullest and tell our loved ones often what they mean to us.

And many of us here tell them after they're gone too.   Who knows but what they may hear us!  There's a lot we don't know so we don't want to discount the possibility...

[Mom's angel]

True

[Thwrangler]

Moms angel

I know how you are feeling. My mom passed on Nov 3rd and I blame myself for her passing. I took her away from her home for an overnight getaway, she so needed after being in the hospital for almost 2 months. She was home for almost 2 months and she wanted to go away with us for a night. She had a stroke 6 hours after we arrived to the hotel.  Maybe she wouldn't have had a stroke if she was home. 

She he was my best friend and the one of the only people who would call me or text me everyday.  Thanksgiving was hard but Xmas will be the worst. Then her birthday would have been Jan 2nd and that day I will be extremely sad. My life sucks now...her passing and my job closed so I'm home sad thinking of her all day!

lifes not fair. 

We should chat sometime if you would like!

 

[Mom's angel]

we'll have to live with this grief..

We can only hope to meet our loved one again..

But be strong.

[deb1]

I'm really sorry for your loss, mom's angel.

I know there is nothing that will make you feel less desperate. I know the feeling that from now on, nobody will know how you actually feel. I too lost my mom not so long ago, 3 months in 2 days. I'm 28 and she was 47, so not so different from you. It's so unfair that we lost them so young. So many experiences in life that were stolen from us! I have to say that for like 2 days I couldn't even look at very old people because I was completely jealous of them and just started crying. I think it's not good to not talk about it, so try to find several people that can listen to you. I've found good comfort at couple of friends that also had a big loss in their life. You may find that some people are insensitive, but now I see that some just don't realise how horrible is what we're going through, others just think they're doing their best if they don't speak about your mom, so they don't upset you. Also, I think it's not good to completely bury yourself on tons of things to do, but try to do some things that will keep you unfocused on this big loss for couple of minutes. I imagine how difficult it is, because I just keep seeing connections on everything...

I really admire you for being able to go to your exam. That was good, but don't force yourself too much. You need some time.

About signs...I also haven't had any...or perhaps I did... I had a nice dream where I could seriously feel her hug and perfume. I don't remember the whole conversation, but in the end I asked her to stay with me and she told me to just think about her. Then I woke up. If this was a real thing, think that your mom with you. And still loves you, of course. The bond we have with our moms will never disappear. 

Since we're younger, we'll have less memories with them than others, so I'm thinking about starting a diary to write whenever I feel like with a memory from our time together. What do you think? Perhaps then one day when/if we have children, they can read it and know the amazing women our mom ARE.

Lots of love,

Deb

[Mom's angel]

deb1
We have so much in common. The thing about being jealous seeing old people is so true - I can relate to that.. 
Those who haven't yet experienced such loss don't understand.

I don't cry in front of people and so they think that I'm managing everything so well.. But deep down it's just us who knows what it actually feels like.

For the connection in everything, yes each and every thing reminds me of her.

When she was alive.. I used to tell her everything about exam like how was it, how much marks am I expecting, which questions were hard etc.. and she used to listen every word of mine with interest.
Now when I was returning home after my first exam it felt so empty.

Today when I went home from exam I somehow forgot that she's no more..
And when I rang the doorbell I felt I heard her voice from inside the house.. But then my dad opened the door.. 
The sudden realization of her death are painful.

I do also have dreams about her. I wish I can somehow stay in the dreams with her forever..
 
I do write about her. 
I have written every single thing I remember about her.
You should also do it, that's a nice idea.

I feel so bad about her future  grandchildren who will never get a chance to met their awesome grandmother.

[kayc]

I lost my dad when I was 29 and pregnant with my first child.  My dad would have been such an amazing grandpa, and he loved children, and I felt bad that my kids never got to meet him.  I tried to let them know who he was, how much he would have been proud of them at this event in their life, how much he would have enjoyed my daughter's charm and dimples, or my son's observance and intelligence.  I let my kids know how he would have felt about them, and passed on a couple of things of his, just little things, but something for them to associate with him.  I told them stories about him, about how he fought in the war, and how I always knew he loved me by the way he hugged me, even without him saying so specifically.  I told them about being a daddy's girl, and how he could always get me to try new foods...and about the time he tried hot peppers on me.  How whenever he wanted a hiking buddy, I'd be his first volunteer.  About the time he wanted someone to go out on the beach with him in the wee hours of the morning and I said I'd go.l...we did, and we found over 100 sand dollars.  My sisters were jealous but they'd preferred the comforts of their warm bed and they missed out because of it.  We all got my dad's sense of humor and used it to cope in life.  My kids got to know my dad vicariously through me...your kids can know your mom too, through you sharing your tales of her and how special she was.

[Mom's angel]

I can talk about her all day, that's a nice suggestion.

I talked to my teachers today and they really supported me.. They were very much against the idea of me quitting studies. They said they'll help me in every way possible but I'll have to complete my graduation. I got a 7days break from college.

But it's so hard to keep going when mom's not with me. Most of the times the grief surrounds me.. The emptiness within is eating me. I was a happy, cheerfull girl before who hardly cried..but now crying seems like a daily routine.

[kayc]

Remember that it's okay to cry.  I don't know if you've ever used a pressure cooker before, but mine I heat up this large pan with water & jars up, the lid on, and there's a valve that lets out steam for seven minutes, then you cover it and it builds pressure until it's the desired poundage/pressure, then you maintain the heat to keep it at that pressure for however length of time you need to process your jars.

I think of tears like the valve that lets out the steam, without which you'd explode like the pressure cooker would if it's allowed to build too much pressure.  Tears can be healing.

[Mom's angel]

I have to force stop the tears sometimes because once I let them roll out I cannot stop them. Its like I cry and then I cry harder.

[kayc]

It's okay, let it all out.  (((hugs)))

[hollowheart]

3 hours ago, Mom's angel said:

I have to force stop the tears sometimes because once I let them roll out I cannot stop them. Its like I cry and then I cry harder.

Like Kay said, just get them out. I have been there, I have cried and wailed. I know what you mean about crying just makes you cry harder. I had days where I cried off and on ALL DAY. But it was just one of those bad days and those days will come. I think me reading up on grief and being here lets me know that those bad days will come and go and I"m not losing my mind. That's what helped me a lot, that I wasn't going insane.

I'm glad that you talked to your teachers and will get through school. Time off will help and I hope you can get even more. Taking a semester off wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, but of course if you can finish your classes, the better.

[Mom's angel]

its so hard, i could have faced anything in the world if she was with me.

I know her soul's with me, but her opinion means a lot to me.. I cannot make decisions even about the tiniest thing.The confident I had is all gone with her.

Buy I'm trying as I don't have any other choice.

 

[kayc]

You know, I'm sure your mom believed in you.  What she demonstrated all your life is in you.  Believe in her lasting ability to be there for you and you will know the answers you need, all of her advice is inside of you.

[Mom's angel]

It means a lot to me.. Thank you

[amw25]

Awe sweetheart. I so feel for you. My mum passed away sort of unexpectedly last week, I know it hurts so much. I'm still waiting for it to hit me yet. She was my best friend. 

Your mom will be with you always in your heart. I know there are no words to make it better and I know it hurts seeing everyone getting on with their normal life when you feel like yours is broken. One day you will think of her and laugh or smile instead of cry. 

Big massive hugs xxxxx