First Christmas

[Ceili]

This is my first Christmas without my mom. I am so tired. I don't want to live. I feel foolish because I want to help people on this forum with fresher grief who are struggling. I am on antidepressants and see a counselor. My mom and I were best friends. She comforted me when I needed it (including every Christmas over the loss of my two young daughters years ago) and I cared for her the last three years of her life. I really, really want to die. I know that she is in heaven with my daughters and dad but can't find comfort in it. I feel alone. My daughters have been  gone for many years and I could always see the love and support in mom's eyes every Christmas. She remembered. Now she is gone. I feel alone - a mom without her daughters and now a daughter without her mom/best friend. She died 9 months ago and I was really making some progress in August through October. had happy times. Now I feel no joy, no purpose. My husband drinks too much at times (a binger) and has started up again since my mood started going the wrong direction. I know that his drinking is not my fault (I went to al-anon for 2 years) but it still frightens me. God does not answer my prayers for strength and peace. I work at home and stay in bed way too much. This is crazy but the one thing that has kept me here is one of my golden retrievers. He is my baby and I don't want to cause him pain. I knew that Christmas would be hard, but had no idea it would have me considering dying as an option.

[kayc]

It's easier to help others after you've fully adjusted to your life without her...it takes a lot of time and effort to get there.  Right now I hope you will focus on you and continue doing what you need to do to get through this day.  I'm glad you're seeing a counselor and getting help.  To lose two young daughters seems unfathomable to most of us, then to lose your mom...

I think the strength and peace comes from within and it's going to take you a while...you say this is your first Christmas without your mom, so that tells me your wound is fresh.  I'm glad you have a golden retriever, I have a Husky/Golden Retriever and he is my world too.

No matter how much you might want to die, remember, this feeling is temporary, so to act on it would be to make a permanent decision to a temporary feeling...a huge and irreversible mistake.  Holidays are when suicides go up...we have these Norman Rockwell expectations and family is seldom like that...in the real world we have problems and nothing is perfect.  The thing is, though, it may not be perfect, but there IS good in life...we have to look for it and make our life what we want it to be.  If you continue getting these urges, I encourage you to talk to a suicide hotline and get some help.

[MartyT]

Ceili, my dear, I am so sorry to learn that you are feeling so hopeless right now. You say that "the one thing that has kept me here is one of my golden retrievers" and I want to gently suggest to you that, even if that is the only reason you are holding on, please, please let it be enough. I also urge you to get in touch with your counselor and with the physician who prescribed the antidepressants you are taking, to let both of them know that whatever you've been doing with them is not working for you right now. These people are part of the support system you are wise enough to have established for yourself, and now is the time to rely upon them ~ but they cannot help you unless you let them know what is going on with you.

I also hope you will take a few moments to read this article, and heed the advice it contains: Thoughts of Suicide in Grief.

You are one of us, and we care deeply for you. Please know that  ♥

[Ceili]

Thank you kayc and Marty. I really appreciate your advice and will really work at making it a part of healing. My husband and I did have a very open discussion this afternoon on how each of our behaviors and emotions are effecting the other. I was shocked at how disengaged from him (and our life) I have become and how deeply it has hurt him. He places no blame on me for his increased drinking and admitted it is a poor way to deal with things. Maybe this will give me some hope. I am so overwhelmed by how much dealing with mom's death this first Christmas has tired me out. And how deeply losing her has brought back all of my other losses including that of my best friend at age 17. Years ago. But mom was always there with me as I dealt with these losses - including my girls. I feel as if I have been hit by a truck. I will call my doctor tomorrow. Thank you again.

[kayc]

A loss can trigger other losses we've suffered so they're probably all piling up on you together.  I'm glad you'll call your doctor, and I hope your husband gets help with his drinking...no one can do it for him but him.  Maybe going back to Al-anon for a refresher would help you?  

Keep us posted how you're doing.

[deb1]

Hi Ceili, I'm sorry for your loss.

I seriously might not know what I'm talking about, since I've lost my mom 3 months ago and before that never had any other single loss, but since you work from home, have you considered just traveling for couple of months? I don't know if this is something you can do, but I really think what helps me a bit is just going to new places. Sorry if I'm saying something just stupid to you.

[Ceili]

deb1 - I am so sorry for your loss as well. Such a hard time for all of us. Actually, your  idea is great and I am taking some trips. In January. my husband and I are heading to Florida for a week to visit his step dad. I pray for sun because it has been so dreary here. Warm (really warm for December) but dreary. After that I am driving up to my sister's for a week. Then I will probably visit my brother in Arizona in March. Wow, just telling you these things makes me feel better (and blessed). Your loss is so new deb and I hope that you are finding the support that you need. I am happy that you are here with us. A hug to you and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you as you grieve your loss.

[hollowheart]

Ceili, your mom was your rock. So it's like someone pulled the rock out from under you while you were leaning on it and left you to flail and fall and try to find your footing. Your daughters and your best friend were monumental losses (and did you say your dad too?) but despite these tragedies you had someone there for you. Having that person to go into battle with in fighting the pain and sadness makes a bigger difference than we realize at the time.

I'm glad that you and your husband talked and he will get help with drinking. That's a good step.

Christmas is always tiring, something we don't normally notice when we are enjoying the season, family and ourselves. It's a GOOD tiring when we are having fun.  But dealing with it under grief it takes on a whole new weight and meaning and becomes downright exhausting. 

I didnt' lose my Mom, so I hope my comments aren't insulting, but I lost my sister and she was my go to girl and rock and best friend, and I have also thought about dying many, many times since I Lost her. I still think about it. I also feel no joy or purpose and see nothing to look forward. I'm on anti-depressants too. Seeing a counselor is a good thing. Being able to talk about it the way you need will help. I'm glad you have other family to visit, and that family being siblings, I hope it will help to have someone there that know your past and can definitely relate as she was their mother too.

[Thwrangler]

I feel hopeless too. Lost my mom 6 weeks ago and it still hurts. 

She he was my best friend and we talked about everything.  Xmas is going to be so hard. I don't know how I will handle it. Then her bday would have been Jan 2nd. These next couple weeks will be so hard. 

I hope we will all be ok with our losses.  

[kayc]

Ceili,

I read where your husband admits having a problem with drinking, but I don't see where he said he'd get help for it, did I miss something?

Thwrangler,

I don't know why their birthdays have to fall so close...my husband's birthday was five days before his death day, which landed on Father's Day, so for me, June is my dreaded month.  I'll be thinking of you as you go through Christmas and your mom's birthday.  Was there something your mom liked to do on her birthday?  Maybe you could do it, in her memory.  Sometimes even fixing their favorite meal in their memory helps.

[Thwrangler]

21 hours ago, kayc said:

Ceili,

I read where your husband admits having a problem with drinking, but I don't see where he said he'd get help for it, did I miss something?

Thwrangler,

I don't know why their birthdays have to fall so close...my husband's birthday was five days before his death day, which landed on Father's Day, so for me, June is my dreaded month.  I'll be thinking of you as you go through Christmas and your mom's birthday.  Was there something your mom liked to do on her birthday?  Maybe you could do it, in her memory.  Sometimes even fixing their favorite meal in their memory helps.

Thank you Kayc!

I'll appreciate you thinking about me during Xmas and her birthday. We would have her come over and we would cook her dinner and cake and presents. She loved daisies. 

Its so hard right now because I'm home now because my job closed end of sept so I sit here thinking about her and get so sad and cry.

she was my rock and my whole life. 

[kayc]

I know.  My husband used to go get my mom (120 mile round trip) on Christmas morning while I was tending to the cooking, and then after the kids went home, he and I would drive my mom back home.  Now they're both gone.  And I lost my job for the third time since my husband died so I decided to retire as there weren't any people my age being hired during the recession and the long commute was getting hard, esp. with my failing eyesight, so now I'm home...let's just say I know what you mean.

[Ceili]

Thanks to everyone for their caring words and opening up about their own losses. I am sorry hollowheart, Twrangler, and kayc. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you all. No kayc, my husband has never sought help for his drinking and will not. He can go for a month without using and thus in his eyes he has no problem. As you said at one point, it has to come from him. A friend from al anon is getting on my case to come back. I am going to do that. Even when he is not binging, it makes me a better person. Whether we have lost our sister, our moms, our spouses or children, a friend, the holidays will never be the same. The loss of your mom is so new Thwrangler the pain must be immense. I think when we think about dying, maybe we really don't want to but see it as the only way to end the pain we are lost in, in that moment. I saw my counselor yesterday and it went well.

May you all find moments of peace.

[kayc]

I think you are right, at least with me.  I found it wasn't that I wanted to die, but I didn't want to have to go through the pain I knew I'd have to go through, to live.  It's so important to give yourself the chance to live so you don't miss what good there is left in your life.  Sometimes we can't see it when we're early on with our loss, but that's why we have to hang in there.  Our focus is so important.  Learning to appreciate what is and letting that be our focus, rather than what isn't any more...I think in the beginning it's really hard to do that.

I'm glad you saw a counselor and it went well.  I hope it continues to help you.

[Ceili]

Thanks kayc. Peace to you as well.

[WolfsKat]

I've usually only posted in the "Spouses" section.....but, in addition to my beloved husband, who left this world October 21st,  this will also be my first Christmas without my amazing Mom,who left me February 1st. So, kind of a double, no, triple whammy as I also lost my big brother in July.  I HATE 2015. This is definitely the WORST year of my entire life!  I am trying to think of ways to honor them on Christmas....if out of my grief, I can perhaps do something good for others in their memory, maybe it will help with the incessant anguish of losing them.....even if not, at least something good will be done in their honor.

[kayc]

Wow, that's a lot WolfsKat!  The good thing is you will never have to face 2015 again!

Today I discovered that yesterday's horrific windstorm destroyed my patio roof (my patio is 30 1/2' x 14', and it's on a hill, so there's a railing around it.  They're predicting over a foot to over 3' of snow between now and Christmas and I am not sure how I'll get it off my patio with the rail in the way...it's too heavy to hoist up over the rails.  Also I have no $ for the deductible, but I'll try to sell some jewelry before Valentine's Day.  One day at a time, and after I got over the initial shock, I've decided not to sweat the small stuff.  This is just life.  But back to why I'm telling you this...I wanted so bad to call my mom and talk to her about it and she'd pray for me and....well she's gone now (Aug. 21, 2014) and that's not an option anymore.  It's times like this that it hits you...they're gone.  But you're dealing with loss of husband, mom, and brother, all at once, that's a lot.  You're in my thoughts.

[WolfsKat]

Thank you, Kay!  Oh wow, that had to be a helluva storm!  So sorry you have to deal with that damage....but I admire that you are not letting it get to you overmuch. And I SO know what you mean about just wanting to call your mom....I still have that urge, to want to just pick up that phone and get her wise counsel on so many things, her understanding and reassurance!

[Ceili]

WolfsKat - That is so much loss to deal with in such a short period of time. Try to be very gentle with yourself. Talk with those that you trust. I am so very sorry for your "triple whammy". Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you as you face this new year traveling such a difficult road. Peace.