Not Jolly

[virgo_gal]

Other than parties, my friends are really trying to draw me out. I cant decide if should start hanging out with friends or not. Am I really ready for it? Not sure.

Thank you for being there. Feel really better to know that atleast someone knows the answers to all these questions swimming in my head.

As for the people, its pretty insensitive of them to push you to come for certain parties. I mean, isnt it so obvious?

[kayc]

I think if you listen to your inner self you'll know what you are or aren't ready for.

[hollowheart]

Virgo, if I can leave when I want to, most times going to a party is not that bad. It also depends on the party. There can be social gatherings, then really raving club parties where it might be to much. If you go, stay as long as you want and leave when it gets to much. I know I have avoided parties altogether because it's worse trying to leave early with everyone looking and trying to convince me to stay. This has only happened once since my sister passed. It's okay to leave if you want to. 

[virgo_gal]

Parties are something, I'd like to stay away from. I am not much of an extrovert anyway. 

How was your christmas? How are you doing?

[hollowheart]

Virgo, my Christmas was absolutely awful. Been sick the entire time. Nauseous sick off and on, bad cough that makes me vomit. So, I couldn't even enjoy Christmas dinner or fun junk food. On top of that bought my mom a gift that she had already bought  herself and bought her a DVD player that didn't work and I had to go back to Target to return, something I did not want to do while being sick.

my sister not being here to go with me or complain too made it all the worse. I miss her so much I can't describe it. So much harder dealing with problems with her absence and my sadness over it. I would have been pissed about the gifts but we would have laughed over it. Because of this tragedy it made the Christmas problems a million times worse. It was just a crappy, suck filled Christmas for me. It also made me sad that these will be the Christmases to come because Christmas is my favorite holiday so nothing to look forward to at the end of the year anymore. I was feeling very "what is the point?" To life lately. 

How are you? How was your Christmas? I'm not an extrovert either but have tried to be social in the past because when I did want to go out my sister didn't always want to go and I always wished I had someone to go out with. No I really need someone. My mom is old with health problems so she can't be the replacement. I wish I had a husband and a family so I wouldn't be alone now. 

 

[virgo_gal]

Oh. I really hope you get well soon. Take good care of yourself.

And I can totally relate to the feeling that there will be christmases, new years and several other important days that I will not have the company of my brother.

There are times that I get really upset and secrectly ask god to take me away too :-(

My mom got real pissed once when I told her the same. She told me I was being very selfish and indulging in self pity only.So, I feel very guilty when I get such thoughts. I try to shake them off.

My christmas was okay. Not much of a celebration is done anyway. But these events only give us the sad reminder that for the rest of our lives, my brother will not be there to celebrate with us.

I'm thinking of him all the time. No matter what I am doing, its totally impossible to even stop even a minute or two.

[hollowheart]

Virgo, I feel the same about my sis being on my mind all the time. My mom said she doesn't think about her all the time but I do. All day everyday. She was my social hub, my go to person so it's hard to just suddenly go from that to nothing. That absence is felt every second. Before I knew she was around so I didn't think of her like that, I knew she'd be there when I wanted her. This is a horrible life now. 

I talked about wanting to die to my mom and she got mad too, saying she didn't want me to leave her alone. I still don't want to be here but would never commit suicide and do that to my Ma. I know I don't want a long life. There is nothing worth living for. I'll be alone. No one to help me or keep me company. What is the point? 

I just recently got enough money to get a car and I'm so depressed because the point of me getting a car was so me and my sister could go around and shop and have fun. No I will be alone. My mom had health problems and just wants to lay on he couch and watch tv. She was happy with me and my sis going out and bringing her goodies back, back now that is not the case. I don't want to stay out shopping for hours alone. No fun in that and there will be a constant reminder she's gone. 

I still can't believe she is gone. I can't believe this really happened. I'm so angry at God, myself, life, people who have their families in tact. I wish she had taken me with her.

[virgo_gal]

I am so angry at god too. I wished the same, that I should have gone too. But then again, I feel guilty and shake of these thoughts. My parents are trying to stay strong for my sake. I should hold up for them too. 

It is so damn tough, going about everyday and acting normal. I am out of town right now. Not really enjoying myself. I want to go home and sit alone in peace. I am not liking it anywhere.

[hollowheart]

Virgo, I wish leaving where I am would make it better but out situation just goes with us. I just wanted to continue to share my life with her, she had a long life ahead is her. She was robbed of nearly 40 years. It's not fair. 

I'm even more sensitive to things now. I have always been sensitive but now dealing with my a**hole bosses is horrible. My sis is not there for me to complain to, I can't get my frustrations out. I literally have no one to talk to that gets it. A lot of people on this board are retired and I think that's a blessing in disguise because I'd much rather have my own time to do what I need to instead of having to fake an attitude for hours a day.

i don't think I feel guilty for wanting to die and go with her, I just feel guilty for not doing enough to save her. 

[kayc]

Hollowheart,

When my George died, I lost my favorite job of my career and spent six anxious months looking for a new job, with no one to fall back on.  I got one, the worst one of my career!  This boss was the worst, and I had to commute 100+ miles a day for it.  If I was sick or on vacation, he still treated me like I was on call.  He never appreciated me, not once was I remembered for National Professionals Day, birthday...nope!  Christmas, ha!  I had to be in charge of the Christmas parties, with no money budgeted for it, it meant nothing but extra work and usurping my precious time off.  He took advantage of me big time.  I applied to 350 other jobs that I was qualified for, but yet I wasn't hired because of age discrimination.  It was also smack dab in the middle of the recession.  Complaining won't help your situation, but a new job might.  Even if it takes a long time to land one, go for it!  Get those applications out, contact people you know who might know someone who needs an employee.  Almost anything is better than staying trapped in a horrid job with a horrid boss.  Even while you're looking it provides you hope as you see possibilities.  Don't forget to consider possibilities that you hadn't previously tried.  We had someone here once whose BF died and she had to move, but she started a business dogwalking and loved it!  Take stock not only of what you've done, but what you like to do, what hobbies you've had, what volunteer work you've had.  And that's another place that can land you a job through your contacts there...volunteering.  Even if it doesn't, it gets you out around others and you make new contacts that can uplift your state of mind.  I recommended that to my son-in-law when he lost his job and he started volunteering at the food bank, and now years later, two jobs later, he's still devoting one day a week to the food bank because he likes it and likes the people he works with there to make a difference in other people's lives.  That in itself can be a rewarding experience.  You say you don't have anyone who gets you like your sister did, and that's probably true, after all, you spent your lives together, you come from the same parentage, but it does help to make some friends along the way, and with time, just maybe one of them will get you just a bit...my late husband and I got each other.  I'm glad we made the effort to get to know each other and give each other a chance.  Sometimes it just takes putting ourselves out there.  You can do it!

[hollowheart]

Kayc,

Thanks for the pep talk. Believe me, I've been through everything you just said already. Honestly, I don't even know if I want or need solutions to this problem, it's just complaining to get it out. I used to talk to my sister about what I wanted to do. I know what I DON'T want to do. I'm turning into a job hopper again.

I was going to attempt going into to the education system as a paraprofessional because it's far away from receptionist and because my sister had 20 years in the education system and could have helped me immensely in that regard. I didn't even want to do the assistant thing 100%, it was just something I looked into and felt like I could be good at it, and might like it and because she would be available to me to help me I was more confident in doing it. Without that I feel lost again and not sure if I want to pursue it now so I feel adrift once more. 

Office work is not what is used to be. I don't want to be a secretary or admin assistant. I don't want to take Excel courses to learn something I don't even want to do. So I'm trying to figure something out but the struggle is amplified by her being gone, by my grief, by the job search itself, by not having advice and help from her.

When your George died, did you lose your job because of that (lost time and all that) or was it just a bad coincidence? That had to be crippling to have to job search with that weight on your shoulders. I know you are proud to have survived that. Maybe your need for survival pushed you on and you didn't even realize it.

 

[kayc]

I lost my job because of the recession.  The place I worked made military airplane parts and the president decided to use the ten year stock they had on hand and overnight they quit ordering.  We went out of business.  My boss tried diversifying but too late. Funny because I remember exhorting him not to put all his eggs in one basket, back when I first started working there, but he didn't listen.  If he had, maybe we'd still be there.

My little sister works for the school system, got her associates degree for it (she used to be a paralegal before kids but too many years have gone by to go back to it now).  Every year she has to worry about her job being cut.  Things aren't fair there and she has to deal with principals that don't treat you right.  She wanted to teach reading and loves it, but she gets stuck out in inclement weather doing recess duty for hours.  She is forced to do her lesson plans on her own time and they load her down with more work than she can get done in her hours.  She has tons of comp time built up but can't ever use it.  I wouldn't want her job for anything in the world.  She can't wait to retire but she has many years left to go.

I've had some great jobs in my career, jobs where I felt needed and did a great job and my bosses were pleased with me.  But you can't please an idiot.  I got tired of being someone's slave.  I got tired of his abuse.

Don't worry too much about job hopping...I'd be more worried about working a job you hate.  It adds to stress which shortens lives.  So not worth it!  What kind of things DO you like to do?

[hollowheart]

Kayc, I forgot you did mention before you lost your job because of the recession. Ugh.

Reading about your little sister sounds like a situation I'd probably find myself in. My sister had to do lunch and recess duty too. No one wanted to do lunch duty, but they finally figured out a way to rotate everyone in doing it so everyone got a break for a long time.  My sister was also great at figuring out how to make things work for her, and standing up for herself.

While she loved her job, she didn't live for the job. I have friends who would stay at work until 7 and 8 pm, would bend over backwards and in the end it's not worth it.  I felt like she was the only who got that, anyone else I talked to seemed to make me feel like you shouldn't complain about the job.

If I found myself in your little sister's shoes, if I had my sister here to give me advice, or to at least understand all the drama and misery being a teacher involved then I could deal with it, or at least have her around while I tried to find another job. I know she would tell me what to do and how to try to weave through all that crap with principals and bad teachers as she's been there and she would tell it to me straight, not try to sugar coat it.

I have tried for years to figure out how to work with animals, but can't figure it out. I seriously considered dog training, like police dogs or service dogs, but so much research turned up a lot of people who were unhappy with the jobs. I know that didn't mean it would be me, but you know. I know I don't have the mental energy now to go to Vet school and start from scratch, not to mention money wise.

I don't mind all office work, but I can't get any kinds of jobs past receptionist, and I don't want to learn Excel and to be someones secretary. I have found that, with the recession, this is the way office work is going. They want one person to do 100 jobs, including payroll and I want nothing to with handling checks and money. I started to realize I need to get away from office work altogether and I was going to do the school thing but hit that brick wall. I definitely want out of law firms.

It's just a mess. It was a mess before but at least I had her and didn't have the weight of grief. Now I feel alone in my job struggles and life in general. I know I complain a lot about it but I'm just trying to figure it out out loud I guess.

My friend said she was looking into doing something with her paralegal degree and now she just told me she's in nursing school, so she flipped the script fast. She thinks school is the answer to all my problems so I can't talk to her. Going back to school is not the answer when you don't know what you're going back for.

[virgo_gal]

I am hating my job too. I am in the IT sector. I want to switch my field and go for human resources. My boss is exactly like yours. Makes me do tons of work but in the end I get no returns. Not even an appreciation mail or anything. 

I badly want to change my job but right now, I dont have it in me to get up and look for other ones. I feel so depressed because of it.

I have absolutely nobody to complain. I just have to silently do my job right now.

[hollowheart]

38 minutes ago, virgo_gal said:

I badly want to change my job but right now, I dont have it in me to get up and look for other ones. I feel so depressed because of it.

I have absolutely nobody to complain. I just have to silently do my job right now.

This! This is where I am right now, about not having it in me to look for others and being depressed because of it. This is what people around me don't understand and I think it makes me even more annoyed. They tell me 'oh you just gotta start applying for jobs and go back to school! After the first of the year start sending out resumes"

I'm like, nothing will change for me after the first of the year. I will still be just as miserable, if not more so because a new year will be starting without my sister in it. It's not how it was in other years where I did start January with a fresh mind. I don't even know how I would focus on an interview right now.

Virgo, you and me are in the same boat, I believe. I have absolutely no one to complain to either. And it's not like I just want to sit around and complain all day, although it might seem like it. But my sister was my discussion outlet  and she was available anytime and it was a way to get my thoughts out and sort them out, not to mention just enjoying her company. I just sit alone now discussing things with myself.

As far as crappy jobs. I work in a small office and we have to use a shared bathroom with bathroom keys. One manager takes the bathroom key off the hook and instead of putting it BACK on the hook, he gives it to me every time, so I have to put it back on the hook. Really?? I sit there and think 'ok, is this what I'm supposed to do for the next 30 years?" I want that to motivate me but my grief wins most of the time.

And I think if I landed in an even crappier job I'd kill myself because then I wouldn't even have her in the evening to look forward to talking to.

[kayc]

HH,

I was the one person doing 100 things...and more.  Which is okay if they don't try to take advantage of you and they appreciate you, but that wasn't the case.  If you're home sick, they should leave you alone.  If you're on vacation, they should leave you alone.  And if you broke your arm, THEY should empty the trash into the dumpster, not expect you to do it.  

To me it's not even about what you do so much as how you're treated.

[hollowheart]

Kay, that job sounds almost like my last job, but they would at least not bother you on vacation. I had a friend who had a job like that, but I don't think she realized she was supposed to be on call all the time like that. They ended up letting her go. She wasn't suited for it.

I will agree with it's about how you are treated. I know there are nasty bosses everywhere, but I've had to much contact with nasty, egotistical lawyers for a lifetime and they are a bunch I know I would be glad to not see again. Some are just downright ridiculous. They think they are Gods. I'm sure there are doctors, who play God, who aren't as bad as these jerks.

I think it's also about what I do for me because I am never doing anything I like, lol. I had a friend at my old job who would say just what you did, it's not about the work it's about how you're treated but I never liked either.  But honestly, I'd rather do a job I didn't like with good people. That would help.

[virgo_gal]

Yes, its always how you are treated at your workplace or how much you are respected. I know that I do hell lot of work but since I am not much of a talker, I dont brag about it. In today's world, people brag more, work less.

Since the time I lost my brother, I have become even more silent. I dont really feel like talking all the time.

People keep telling me I should start applying for jobs. How on earth am I going to prepare for one? My concentration is zero at the moment. My mind keeps going back. It is hard to seriously prepare for anything.

[hollowheart]

38 minutes ago, virgo_gal said:

Since the time I lost my brother, I have become even more silent. I dont really feel like talking all the time.

People keep telling me I should start applying for jobs. How on earth am I going to prepare for one? My concentration is zero at the moment. My mind keeps going back. It is hard to seriously prepare for anything.

I know I'm more quite now too. I try to be "just sociable enough" at work. I can say hi and bye, but it's a small office and sometimes they want to do a lot of things as an office, I don't care for that. Not to mention I don't even like over half the people there so no need to fake laugh with them. No thanks.

As far as the job thing, that's where my mind is now. But I have my good days where I at least think about moving forward and where I can go from here.  My current job is a total dead end and I stayed in my last dead end job for 8 years and I dont' have another 8 years to waste.

So as far as the job thing, just keep it on the back burner for now. Job hunting takes a lot of mental and emotional work. Even physically it's exhausting. Even though you hate your job there is no reason to push yourself now, I think it will be worse because you just aren't ready. And the change of a new job now with people who do not know your past and know of your loss will be hard, it's something I'd have to deal with too.

My sister had finally gotten a job she loved, she headed up the computer lab at the school and ran it, so she had her own room and she loved working with imacs and ipads all day. I just don't want another stressful job in my emotional state.

[kayc]

Maybe you could try an easier lower paying job just for now and hunt for something better when you feel more up to it?  Some jobs don't require as much focus as others.  Time enough later for one that challenges you.  If anyone questions the easier job on your resume, just tell them you were grieving and it took some time to be able to give a job your full potential.