Not Jolly

[hollowheart]

This is a really random gripe, but needed to vent somewhere. Today is my Holiday party at work and I'm not feeling it at all. Even when my sis was here I wasn't feeling it because it's in the evening and taking up my personal time and it's on a freakin' Thursday!  I think I could have suffered through had my sister been here and I could have been texting her and complaining all the way through, but as it stands I'm not in a holiday mood and don't know if I even want to stay for the whole thing. But it being a small office it will be hard to leave.

I'm not trying to go into it being in a bad mood and planning on it being horrible, but I just don't want to be bothered.  I could just eat and leave. It's at a fancy, trendy bowling alley and I have never bowled in my life and don't feel like being goofy and doing it (horribly) in front of people I don't even like and want to joke around with, not to mention I'm not in a jokey, fun mood anyway. 

Just want to go back to bed.

[kayc]

You know, most employees do NOT wish to have a holiday party.  I just read results from a survey (I can't remember if it was linked in or where) and most polled said they want to celebrate with their families and friends, not work, but we all feel obligated to show up for them (we know the boss expects it).  I commuted 100 miles a day and it was a hardship to have to stay for the holiday party, esp. if it wasn't right after work, and I usually got stuck doing most of the work for it (for free, of course).  It was different when I worked here in town at a place I liked with coworkers I enjoyed, and the boss' wife actually helped!

Could you perhaps just tell your boss that as you're still in mourning, you just don't feel festive, prefer not to drag everyone down, and you'd rather excuse yourself this year.  I remember when my husband died, two weeks later was 4th of July and I was invited to some festivities...no way in the world did I feel like fun and laughter!  I declined.  I was never invited again, but oh well!

[hollowheart]

That's pretty bogus that you were never invited to any more parties for turning down one and right after the loss of your husband! They could have at least said, 'stop by if you feel up to it' and not make it a 'take it or break it' kinda move. Again, people expect you to be over it when they feel you have mourned enough.

I was going to call in sick, but didn't. What I'd really like to do is go and just leave early. My last job had holiday parties that started at 12:45 in the afternoon and ended at 4pm, so it was during work hours, on a Friday and it was not interfering with personal time. Not to mention that once the party started no one cared whether you left or stayed, and most were drunk anyway.   I am fine with a party taking up WORK time, but not MY time. That makes a big difference.  And I think that's pretty crappy to make people work all day then expect them to be in a mood to stay and party with people they don't even like in the first place.

I really would have grumbled through it before, but after my sister practically everything just takes on a 'I don't give a crap' feel. It just takes so much more effort to deal than it did before.

[kayc]

I'm sorry but I had to laugh when I read this: " And I think that's pretty crappy to make people work all day then expect them to be in a mood to stay and party with people they don't even like in the first place."    I laughed because it was how I felt at my last job and it's one of those things people think but don't say out loud.   It's funny to hear I'm not the only one that felt that way!

Of course you don't give a crap!  Compared to losing your sister & best friend, how else could you feel!

[hollowheart]

lolol, you know, at my old job, we would say it to each other. The staff all felt that way, lol. But here it's a small office and I don't feel there are many people I could say that to. You know how some people keep that fake 'this is awesome!' facade on and have no complaints about nothing, so when you complain they just stare or have no comments at all.  Like they aren't going on records as bad mouthing anything work related. *eye roll*

Anyway, thanks for getting it Kay. I always appreciate your comments.

[virgo_gal]

I am kinda going through the same hollowheart. I have a group of friends at my workplace who are always staying late after work to hang out or party.

Most of them are not staying with their families and living independently whereas few of us still live with ours.

So I usually decline such invitations. I am not much of an extrovert but last time these guys had a party before my brother passed away and they failed to invite people who usually say no. And we got after their lives afterwards for this.

Now after 2.5 months its my friends birthday coming up. Everyone is telling that I should dare not miss it. I mean seriously, how can you even think I am in a mood to party? Laugh and dance with the others?

Do people forget such major things or they pretend to do so?

Its pretty callous to say the least.

[hollowheart]

Virgo, yes they do forget such major things because nothing major has disrupted their lives. They see you when you are holding it together at work, they haven't seen you when you were crying and sad and having a hard time, or that you needed to come to this site, so they have no idea how you are still hurting.

They don't want you bringing them down with your major loss, just come to the party and pretend you're OK. That's their way of thinking. They want to see you partying so they can go "oh, Virgo is fine now' and they don't have to be uncomfortable about your grief. Because if you decline and say why they have to be uncomfortable and feeling stupid that they forgot all about your brothers death. 

And some people think a party will "make you feel better" I've had people say that to me. Like surviving a major death is like losing your favorite umbrella or failing a test or getting splashed by a rain puddle and a rave will make it all better.

[kayc]

Maybe you should start wearing grey and black to work and tell them you are in mourning.  Our society is so messed up to think life should go on as normal.  In the 1800s people wore drab colors and were allowed to mourn for a year!  What happened to that!

 

You got it when you said they don't want you bringing them down, but that is so selfish of them!

[Cathyc]

I wonder if they have ever been through this themselves. I think it is part of the disenfranchised grief thing that most people don't recognize the profound effects of a death of a sibling. To be honest, I didn't fully appreciate the depth of the grief and complexity of the feelings myself until I had to go through it.  

I agree that people at work are most likely to come across as callous, since they are less likely to have known your sibling and the rest of your family. They didn't likely see the effects firsthand, so its "out of sight out of mind" for them. And I agree that the custom of wearing black for a year might be a good thing, to remind people. 

Kay, yes it is selfish of them in the sense of being self absorbed. But it will catch up with them sooner or later in their own lives, one day, too.

[virgo_gal]

Yes exactly and since I dont talk about him infront of them they think I am over it. How can someone ever be over such grief?

Since it hasnt happened to them and they have not experienced it firsthand, they dont really understand the loss.

Even if someone asks me out of the blue, its about my parents are doing.

I mean hello, what about me? Just because  I come to the office everyday, it does not mean I am okay. Because I am not okay.

I have always been an introvert, so I dont really feel comfortable venting to anyone regarding this entire thing.

If I talk to my mom, she starts crying. I try to avoid talking with her.

Its awful living my life right now. So much to say.

[hollowheart]

Virgo, you are speaking my life right now. I've had so many close friends go right into asking about my parents or telling me to be strong for my mom. What about me? 

I get not understanding that kind of loss, I didn't either. But a hello once in a while wouldn't hurt. 

In an introvert to and this has made me even more of one. But honestly, I can be very social with people I'm comfy with. 

I can't talk to my mom either because she is clueless, and just says I have to make myself happy and I should be happy I'm alive. Being alive is not enough. I struggle every time I open my eyes. Getting up and going to work is an acomplishment and like you, because I do that she thinks I'm getting better and moving on. When I say I'm not happy she gets annoyed and makes it like I'm just trying to stay sad on purpose. Thanks mom. 

It's awful living my life too. I'm tired of hating life and being sad and lonely.

Me and my sister were looking forward to seeing Star Wars together, I know NO ONE else interested in that and they don't know how much this is hurting. I don't know if I can do it alone, seeing others together having fun and having no one to personally enjoy it with.

I'm just miserable and miss her every second of every day. 

[virgo_gal]

Losing a young child is the worst thing that can happen to any parent. At the same time, losing your sibling, your closest connection is downright awful.

And you cant even start explaining it to someone. My boyfriend, is the closest person to me right now. He knows how damn attached I am to my brother.

But he has hardly talked to me about him. He is a real nice guy but he also has no clue as to what to say to me.

I was actually very pissed with him in the beginning for not asking me anything about this but then I realized, he struggles to find words to say to me.

So in short, I have no damn person to express myself to.

I feel fortunate that I found this group and met people like you all, who actually get the entire thing. 

How unfair it is that people who experience the same grief can only understand.

[hollowheart]

Cathy,  I agree that I had no idea how this pain would feel. But I had heard about people that I didn't know that had lost siblings, and I knew one or two that did, but they had lost them years ago and before I even met them so it wasn't something they brought up with me a lot. But when I would hear about that I'd think about losing my one and only and I couldn't imagine since I only have one and we are so close.

And now that it has happened it is even worse than I could have imagined, especially with people just expecting me to just 'shift' and suddenly create a new life right away and move on. I told a friend my life is awful now and she said it's not awful just different. Yeah, different as in awful.

Virgo, not having anyone to express myself to is the worse thing in the world. I'd have my sister to grumble with about petty stuff, serious stuff, or just talking in general. And we liked most of the same things so we had that in common and we had fun together. And all I needed was one person to do something with and that was her.  I have no friends that like anything I like, not to mention coordinating getting together always falls apart so we never do anything anyway, or they just forget all about it. 

I get that your boyfriend doesn't know what to say, it's hard when those closest to us let us down. I think if I had someone else close to me that I could be with, and talk to that got it that would help. I wouldn't be so lonely. I just can't resume any normal things because they all remind me of her.

It's just a terrible way to have to live.

[virgo_gal]

Anyone who has gone through similar loss can only understand.  

Everyone has a different coping mechanism. My dad has always been the strongest person around. But he cries the most since we lost my brother.

Maybe you can think of taking up some hobby? Or try talking to some close friends about your feelings.

We always need an outlet when we are so full of emotions. We need a vent. Try writing about your sister if you can.

[kayc]

It's hard to focus (taking up a hobby?) when you've lost someone to death.  I'd say that works better when you've lost someone to break up, it can take up your mind & time, but with death it's different.  Honestly, I think it must shake up your brain or something, it REALLY affects you!  I couldn't even watch t.v. the first year and it's taken me over ten years to get back the ability to read books cover to cover!

I think expressing yourself in some way, verbally to anyone who will understand, or in a journal, or through art depiction, a blog...it gets out your feelings and expresses your loss, and I think it helps.

Your BF probably cares, just doesn't know what to do or say.  He probably feels pretty inept about now.  Have you tried telling him what you need from him explicitly?  Maybe just telling him memories you have about your brother, how it makes you feel to lose him, what your fears are about the thought of life without him.  Tell your BF you don't expect him to fix the situation, no one can do that, but you appreciate it when he listens and cares.  Tell him if you want him to hold you.  Tell him what response you want and need from him.

[hollowheart]

58 minutes ago, kayc said:

It's hard to focus (taking up a hobby?) when you've lost someone to death.  I'd say that works better when you've lost someone to break up, it can take up your mind & time, but with death it's different.  Honestly, I think it must shake up your brain or something, it REALLY affects you!  I couldn't even watch t.v. the first year and it's taken me over ten years to get back the ability to read books cover to cover!

I agree, I don't really do hobbies anyway. But funny you mentioned not being able to watch TV, because I find myself looking for short sitcom type shows. First, because I'd rather laugh, second because it's less time to focus on a show. Also me and my sis looked at 90% of the same shows so many reminded me she wasn't here to enjoy it with me. I just forgot all about American Horror Story. I will try to finish this season sometime.

And it does do something to your brain!I think it's more mental than emotional, because don't you know how you just can't stop thinking about something? It's like your brain won't focus on anything else. And of course the absence of that person is a big adjustment.

I remember a while ago (when my sis was still here) I watched a documentary on 9/11 and this woman's daughter died in one of the towers and I remember she was in the house with her family and they were talking about it, the cameras were there and she just fainted. I mean she just fell right out on the floor hard and I remember feeling horrible that her grief just took her down like that, not to mention the trauma of the events, but then the loss too. It really does something to you.

[virgo_gal]

Yes even if we are in the middle of something, we keep having the same thoughts. I try focusing on things around me at work or else I know I will start crying.

I have my brother's pictures in my phone. Every morning I have a look at them. And try not opening the gallery when I am at work. Its so tough but I try my best. I instantly tear up looking at him so young and handsome.

I am sorry by taking up a hobby, I meant doing something different. I have been a very lazy person before. But now, every evening I go for a walk with mom when I get back home. My brother used to always accompany her for her walks. 

We both feel 5% better afterwards. When you get out of the house, you start focusing on the world around you more. Its great that you watch the shows, you used to see with your sister. At home, we dare not to see the shows my brother liked. We all cry so much because he was so particular about his fav. Shows.

[kayc]

Walking is great for you when you're grieving (or any time) because it releases those feel-good hormones, it helps with stress, clears your head a bit, and helps your body function at it's best, something we desperately need.  I really recommend it!  I'm glad you've found it to be helpful, Virgo.  And no need to apologize for your suggestion, everyone is different, for some, maybe it'd help, but for many of us, in the early loss, we just aren't able to focus, let alone find interest.

[hollowheart]

No worries about the hobbies thing.

I have taken some walks, but I can't say they made me feel better. Sometimes it's hard to be out doing something alone as it just reminds me how alone I am. I never took walks before so it's not something I feel like suddenly doing now. And when I did walk anywhere I had my sister with me.

Today is bad day.

[kayc]

Walking has always been a part of my life, so I forget that to others, it's different.  It's where I always processed things.  I grew up in Eugene, and it was pretty and had lots of untouched places back then, although now it's all changed.  For the last nearly 40 years I've lived in the country and have a forest and creek for my back yard, and lots of USFS trails nearby to walk in.  I encounter all kinds of wildlife and am surrounded by my beloved trees, so for me it's an experience...quite different from city sidewalks and hustle/bustle of people going by.

Having a dog to walk is great incentive for me, for it forces me to walk twice a day, which is good for my health (I'm Diabetic)...without which I'd probably be lazy and say "not today, it's raining" or any other excuse I could come up with.    When I was in a bad stressful marriage, walking was my escape from it, it was then I could let it all go.

I'm sorry it's a reminder of not having your sister with you.  I imagine everything is a reminder right now.

[Cathyc]

I think it takes each of us some trial and error to find our own rhythm and ways to deal with the grief. I noticed that Marty's article said something about setting aside specific times to grief. This was also suggested to me by my counsellor and I didn't follow the suggestion directly but I found that it was surprisingly helpful to kind of identify "now is a time to grief" and really grieve, and "now is a time to forget about it for a short while." When you say today is a bad day, maybe today is a day to embrace the grief. 

For my short times away from the grief, it wasn't so much what I did, but the idea that I promised myself not to think about my brother. Even just a very short time to start is enough. Its not that you are trying to forget your sister, of course! Its more than you are giving your body a rest from the grief. Those rests help you deal with it more constructively over time when it hits again. 

You might have to just use a bit of trial and error to think about what you will do during your rest periods, and maybe try to some new things. I found it very helpful to get out of the house in the morning to exercise. I had not done that before!  Another thing I tried was to go shopping and just be grateful for every bit of life I saw and every person I encountered. That might sound flaky. I am not suggesting it is a good idea for you. I am just using it as an example of how "out there" your attempts might be. You never know what will work, so try it!

Like the hobbies suggestion, this is NOT meant to fix your grief but just to give you breaks from it so that you can eventually process it constructively as your sister would want you to do. Only you can tell for sure when you need to immerse yourself in the grief and when you take a break, but over time, I found that for me, that kind of thinking/planning helped me learn to manage mine.

I also want to express a huge thanks to everyone who is posting here. I am very grateful to know I am not alone in this!

[hollowheart]

Kay--You are right everything reminds me of my sister. And it's not that I'm trying to wallow in sadness, but it's just that she was my best friend and really my main, if not, only social outlet. So sometimes it feels very stifling to not have anyone to call, text, text me, vent too, relax with, etc.  I'm a loner, but when I didn't want to be alone I had her.

I think lately I've been having "grief attacks" and I try to settle them, so I don't know how well I can set time aside to grieve, you know? I get what you are saying and I try to just keep myself regulated until certain times of the day. But my brain and emotions just flip out on me and I will suddenly get a flash of her face when I first found her, or the horrid moments when I was trying to do CPR and just awful thoughts that take me down.

I do think the holidays are making things worse because I am trying to be social but I can tell my heart just won't agree 100% anymore. I never knew what it was to be depressed, but it's very frustrating to not have genuine joy. To not laugh with true happiness.

I slowly am getting out of the house, but I found myself running out of our neighborhood walgreens ready to burst into tears. I saw her in every aisle. We've been going to that particular store for over 20 years. We even know the cashiers. I thought I was going to go crazy if I didn't get out of there. That's when I know it's a bad day.

[kayc]

It's weird how you can associate places with your loss, anywhere you've been with them, things you did together.  I hope you'll schedule an  appt. with a grief counselor, it helps.

[virgo_gal]

You look around, you go out, everyplace will have some memory attached to it. You will always be reminded of the good times.

So the birthday party I mentioned earlier, again a friend invited me for it. I didnt really show any interest, thinking they will get the message.

So the next day, my other 'close' friend is telling me all kinds of things, that I should be a part of these parties. I was like, that I am not in the celebratory mood. He still did not get my point and asked me why, its our friend's birthday. I had to be direct to him after that. I told him I dont want to celebrate anything atleast for an year and then he got it. He was like 'oh'.

Its not even been full 3 months. These friends came to my place to give their condolences. Now, they have completely forgotten about it. Although I dont expect them to remember it every second of the day but atleast be mindful of the fact that I am disinterested in being social right now. I dont have it in me to even attend such things.

[hollowheart]

On 12/22/2015 at 9:28 PM, virgo_gal said:

You look around, you go out, everyplace will have some memory attached to it. You will always be reminded of the good times.

So the birthday party I mentioned earlier, again a friend invited me for it. I didnt really show any interest, thinking they will get the message.

So the next day, my other 'close' friend is telling me all kinds of things, that I should be a part of these parties. I was like, that I am not in the celebratory mood. He still did not get my point and asked me why, its our friend's birthday. I had to be direct to him after that. I told him I dont want to celebrate anything atleast for an year and then he got it. He was like 'oh'.

Its not even been full 3 months. These friends came to my place to give their condolences. Now, they have completely forgotten about it. Although I dont expect them to remember it every second of the day but atleast be mindful of the fact that I am disinterested in being social right now. I dont have it in me to even attend such things.

Even my own mother thinks like this. You might have remembered my rant about  "Just be happy."  My friends don't invite me to anything anymore, so I guess at least you got an invite, even if you didn't want it. So I don't know which is worse, being forgotten or expecting to come hop on the dance floor two months after a tragic loss of a loved one.

I find it very insensitive to not remember your loss. Really? That throws me into a rage when I say I'm not in a party mood and people look at me all stupid and ask why and I have to literally draw a diagram with words to explain why. 

And sometimes even when I do explain why I still get the pushy "But you need to get out and be around people, you should still come. Come on!" They don't get it. Which makes me even angrier. Don't assume a forced party is the cure for grief. I think that sets you back because trying to make yourself have a good time is worse than just sitting alone.

I have gone to one party and about an hour was enough, but I ended up having to linger for another 30 minutes before I could skip out. So to me, going is worse than not going because if I can only handle about 30 minutes or an hour then it's a big to do about me leaving early. I dont' want to force stay for another 2 hours because people think I should. Annoying!