Still denying the loss?

[virgo_gal]

Yet another weekend has come and I have absolutely no idea what I will be doing. I have no plans,nothing. 

I just know I started my day crying. All my brother's belongings are where he left them. So, when we enter any room, you can find something or the other that belonged to him.

Soon we will be entering 2016. It's so weird when I think about it, that my brother will be left behind in 2015. There will be years now that he will not see. 

I still cry over him, its going to be almost 3 months since he left. But I am not crying SO much. It's all happening in my mind and heart.

I don't understand, I am still in the denial mode or what? How can I not cry so much when the closest person to me has died.

I always treated him like my baby. The day he went away, it felt as if my sibling/baby has been snatched away from me.

I keep repeating the words in my mind my dad said when he called me THAT day to tell me. I didnt know how to react then, I dont know how to react now.

I just to want to take a break from everything, stay at home and hide from the world. I am tired of being brave for everyone.

I want to grieve for my brother properly. I have tears stuck inside me. I do not want to have an emotional breakdown later.

[kayc]

I don't think denial is why you aren't crying.  Try not to worry about how your grief displays...some cry, some don't, everyone's grief path is different and however it is to you is normal for you.  Are you seeing a grief counselor?  It would help you greatly, and many of them base fees on what you can afford.

[MartyT]

I hope you will read this article, my dear, and be sure to see the Related Articles at its base, too: In Grief: When Tears Won't Come

[kayc]

Wow!  REALLY good article, Marty!

[virgo_gal]

Kayc: no, I am not seeing a grief counselor. There is nothing good around me.

Marty: Thank you for the article. I feel a little better after reading it. There are actually people out there like me,who find it hard to cry after such a big loss. I have always been a very emotional person, crying at the drop of a hat. But I have always cried alone,never infront of anyone. Now, I am finding it hard to cry alone also. I get this heaviness in my chest when I think of my brother but tears refuse to come out. Even if they do, they are way too less when compared to the loss we have suffered.

[hollowheart]

Virgo, I thought of you this weekend but didn't get a chance to reply. I also am dreading the new year and leaving her behind in 2015. I'm also in denial a lot too because I feel like the closer I am to when it happened it somehow can change. It's sad my mind is thinking that way but it is. I had a bad Sunday. I was just getting bored and was tired of trying to find something on TV or my ipad to do. I don't laugh like I used to because me and her would have a lot of fun as we liked the same things. So now I have no one that wants to do anything I like so it feels so bleak sometimes. I just want her back so bad.

It's ok to cry or not cry. I've been feeling like you as well. I want to just break down and burst into tears at just random times, but I don't. I think some of it is I am holding it back just so I'm not crying everywhere and other times they are tears on the inside. I feel like just screaming in grief but I find myself doing it inside in my head.

I can't freaking believe that girl is gone. I am still in denial, still in shock, still in utter misery and sadness over not seeing her again. I found a Christmas present she gave me years ago that I had no where to put and it was in my closet. I just about died. I feel like this is still not real, but it is. It's a horrible reality that I wish I could just wake up from. I think about when she was in the hospital and she looked really good and I was so happy she was talking and laughing and on her way to being discharged. Why couldn't that be the case this time?

I still blame myself because I believe in my heart she could have been saved and we did not act fast enough. I think I lulled myself into not believing the worst could happen and reality came in and took over. The worst did happen and could happen and I didn't do enough to try to stop it. I'm constantly heartbroken.  My birthday was Saturday and friends that disappeared resurfaced on facebook to wish me happy birthday and couldn't care less. I used to thank people for the birthday wishes, I didn't say anything. 

Now I'm fighting a cold, and one of my bosses gave me a ton of work that I don't feel like doing. I just want to go back to bed and honestly not wake up.

[kayc]

I'm sorry you have a cold, that only makes it all the harder to feel like...anything.  

What happened to your sister no way could have been foreseen, she was too young, who could have anticipated this?!  

[hollowheart]

Kayc,

Thanks. I don't think I will ever get over that. I will take that guilt to my grave. It wasn't just that she was young, it' just how it happened and I can't get past it.

So many people live with heart problems and she could have been one of them. She was one of them and I know that because we didn't act with urgency things got so bad that she couldn't make it without medical assistance. I knew there was nothing we could do for her at home but let her lay there and she was in dire need of medical attention, but we didn't rush her to get it. I dont' mean to sound like a broken records but it's so hard to deal with the loss when you know in your heart you could have prevented it.

I don't know if the holidays are making things worse, I think they are because there is nothing to look forward to. I'm glad for the time off, but it will be sad and lonely.

[kayc]

I'm sure the holidays add to everything you're feeling, it seems to for most of us.

My husband died of a heart attack, we hadn't even known he had heart trouble!  We thought what he was going through was other stuff.  I wish I'd have pushed him to see a different doctor that would have taken his symptoms seriously, but I didn't know, neither did he.  We go with the knowledge we have at the time, and we aren't doctors so we don't always realize what we wish we would have later.

[virgo_gal]

I am screaming inside my head too. I badly need a break, so that I can deal with all these emotions.

I carry that heaviness around with me.

My brother went so unexpectedly that no one could have even predicted it in a thousand years.

My parents keep wondering where they went wrong. Whether it was bound to happen, that god had planned it all along or they didnt get the regular checkups done. I mean, when someone is perfectly fine how can you even consider such a possibility.

We keep asking god,why my brother was taken away so suddenly. If he had a problem, he could have been admitted to the hospital and taken care of there.

God just gave him 10 mins. Should we thank him for giving him a smooth passage or cry for the fact, that he was never given a chance?

[kayc]

Maybe both.  I hope you and your parents will see a grief counselor, it really helps to have someone guide you through your loss.

[hollowheart]

Kay and Virgo, I'm so sorry you two had such sudden losses that caught you by surprise. For both of you it was a punch to the gut that your loved ones was taken just like that.

For me, the guilt is deeper because in my case I had time. She was "winding down" for a couple of days and therefore there was a chance and we didn't take it. I think that is why I don't feel like anyone here really understands that part of it and while I can relate to the overall loss, I don't think anyone here can relate to the 'not exactly suddeness' of the situation. There was time for us to call 911, but we didn't, as we stood around talking about what to do and about getting a ride to the hospital and waiting until morning for it.

Just stupid things. I think me and my Mom both did not believe it would end so tragically, but in my heart I knew she needed to be in a hospital, there was nothing for her to do buy lay in bed. She wasn't getting better. I looked at her getting worse and following our stupid thoughts we asked someone to come get us in the morning. WHYYYYYYYY??!?!?!?  So it really was our fault and my circumstances just take so much more unraveling and therapy than someone who really had no chance to do anything, or the person had cancer or something and there was nothing to be done. This is why I'm so messed up. I've had several people tell me to ask for forgiveness and move on. I don't know how to do that. It's like I"m saying "oops, you died. Sorry about that!"  Sometimes I can deal, other times I don't know what to do with myself and how to accept it.

[kayc]

What are you going to do to help yourself through this?   The people that tell you to ask forgiveness are on the right track, perhaps you should listen to them and give it a try.  But it'd REALLY help if you'd see a good grief counselor!  No, it's not like saying, "oops you died".  It's about exploring what your sister would say to you.  What would YOU say to HER if situations were reversed?  Remember, it may not seem like it to you, but your sister is at peace and has gone to the place that is not troubled or limited by our mortal bodies.  SHE is okay, it is YOU that is suffering!

[hollowheart]

I am seeing a grief counselor. We're working on that, I don't know if what we are doing is exactly working, she knows how guilt ridden I am. I am trying to figure out how to let it go because there is nothing I can do. It's just tough when you know in your heart you didn't do everything you could to save someone you love.

That stays with you forever, no matter how many counselors you see. I doubt I will ever really let that go. I'm just trying to figure out how to calm it, and heck, I wish I could block it out.  I'm not a religious person so asking for forgiveness is something that I just didn't feel like did much for me. I'm working on sorting this out.

 

[kayc]

Asking forgiveness is not only something that belongs with religion, it is something we all have to do sometimes, because try as we might, we aren't perfect people.  Forgiving ourselves is sometimes harder than forgiving others.   Your sister will  have an easier time forgiving you than YOU do.  But I hope you'll try, and I'm glad you're seeing a grief counselor.  If, after three months or so, you don't feel you're getting anywhere, you might want to try another one or at least talk with her about it.

[Cathyc]

Hollowheart, i don't know what to say here except to acknoweldge that extra burden of guilt you feel is adding so much to your pain. I have been through a lot of pain losing my brother and that's was without a feeling I could have saved him. So I ca't' imagine what you are going through now with the feeling of guilt hanging over you.. Having that feeling is something will really need to deal with over time, or it will haunt you forever. I agree that if you don't find the couselling is working, move on and find a new counsellor. Often its a good personal client-counsellor fit that works best and you have to shop around a bit to find the right one.

I am really sorry you are going through all of this. it seems so unfair that you have to. But hang in there and keep doing what you can. 

 

[virgo_gal]

You need to forgive yourself hollowheart because that's what your sister would have wanted. I am sure she must be seeing you right now and not liking the fact, that you are blaming yourself.

I know its hard but you gotta try. Like Kayc said, we aren't perfect people. We feel especially more guilty if the person is not there any longer and we cant go upto them and ask for forgiveness directly. 

I myself feel guilty that I had become so busy with my life that I was not spending enough time with my brother. 

I wish I could ask him to forgive me and let him know, how I lucky I am to get him as a brother.

If not for yourself, try to be a little positive for your parents. I am living for my parents only. I dont want them to break. I try to be normal with them.

And apart from a counsellor, we all here for you. 

 

[MartyT]

Dear ones, I just listened to this interview with Judy Lipson via Open to Hope about "Siblings: The Forgotten Mourners" and I urge you to take 15 minutes to listen, too. Judy has lost two sisters to death and describes her own grief journey here. Included is a beautiful song about sisters that will touch your heart: "We Will Never Be Apart."

Judy Lipson: Death of a Sibling

[hollowheart]

Thanks guys. I do like my counselor. I guess I don't know what I'm expecting. There are a few times I have felt like she has just been an ear to listen to me, but that's not all I need. She has started to give me more feedback about things, but I don't feel like we have gotten anywhere on my guilt. We have talked about that so many times.

I know what you guys are saying about trying different counselors, but the idea of starting all over again..ugh. She has been helpful in some respects.

I think the guilt comes and goes. It comes on when I'm really having a bad, sad day. I guess I want her to tell me what to do, like some magic solution. 

[kayc]

I do understand your apprehension about starting over with someone else, but that's only if you're not getting what you need from your current one.  I would tell her what you've told us, perhaps she thinks you just want to be heard at this point and doesn't realize what you do want from her.  It is a lot of work!

[virgo_gal]

Last few days have been pretty tough for me as well. I can't pinpoint the exact reason. I just know, I am not able to concentrate at work. I am unable to do the tasks assigned to me.

Earlier I was relieved that holidays are coming and I can finally get away from work. Now that the holidays have come, I am actually dreading them. What on earth I am going to do? Get even more depressed. I am feeling sad already thinking about the next few days..

 

[Cathyc]

Hi Virgo and others on this thread. I am thinking of you all today and over the Christmas season. So many people in our everyday lives have no understanding of what we are going through, nor do they know how to respond. How could they?

For those of us who celebrate Christmas, this season is going to bring us down, but we will get through it.  For me, what helps is the memory of my brother and the knowledge he would want me to hang in there, feel whatever I feel and know that in the future things will get  better. I know he would tell me the best thing I can do in his memory is to make the most of my own life. He would also know I am not capable of doing that each and every moment and through each and every grief spell.  He wouldn't say "Cheer up." He would say, "Feel what you have to feel. Do what you have to do but NEVER give up on knowing that your own life can eventually be a fulfilling one with huge amounts of happiness." 

Yeah, this is hard, but we can do it. Virgo, do you have plans for Christmas? 

 

[virgo_gal]

Hi cathyc, thanks for writing. I dont have any plans for christmas but next week ,we all as in me along with my parents are planning to go out of town.

I was pretty happy about this earlier because you know, I just wanted to get away from this place for a couple of days. But I cried like hell today. I told my mom the truth, that I am not really in the mood to go anywhere. I just want to stay at home. She cried with me. She told me how much she misses my brother too. We have never taken any family trip without him .

She told me how much my dad is wanting to go out of town. He keeps crying these day, so I should not try to change his mind. I didnt say anything further.

I am feeling as if I was a part of a team and that team has broken..

How are you planning to spend your holidays?

[Cathyc]

 Hi Virgo,  

We're just going to have the regular Christmas, but it was always small and my brother wasn't alway there to begin with after we grew up (he lived in another city).  We're atheists so we didn't do a big Christmas to begin with. When I was younger, i always wished we had more of a Christmas, but now its a bit easier for me that we didn't. I still really miss my brother though. I will be thinking about him all day. I'm going to try to hold myself together for our parents sake today. Not to pretend nothing has changed but to appreciate the chance to be with them while the rest of us are still alive.

I know what you mean about being part of a team and that team is broken. I feel that way too, especially for the first months. Its like I was always anchored to something and then link to the anchor broke so now I was  adrift, totally alone and with no control over where I drifted.  Its a scary feeling.  I was getting anxiety attacks to the point where I threw up,  and I  even had a couple of full blown panic attacks.  The feeling is indescribable, but it is like everything around that used to ground  you is gone. Over time, though,I've come feel an anchor to the spirit of my brother, like he is still in my mind and heart. Because so much of what we did and talked about together and what he told me is now inside of me, not in his physical body. I still feel adrift and anxious at times but not in the extreme way.  I've also learned through my counsellor I have an "inner centre" I can access. Its hard to explain but its like you imagine you have this inner place of calm and you can focus on it when you are upset or anxious, because it gives you strength. Took me months and months to realize it, though.

So, again, hang in there. I will be thinking of you.

 

 

[kayc]

Virgo, I hope that your day goes better than you expect.