I Just Want My Dad Back

[Chel]

Forgive me. I'm typing this via iPhone: There will be typos and grammar errors.

 

I'm not really used to things like this. I guess the best place to start is the beginning. My father died in June of 2012. He was 52 years old. We were at a family reunion in Ohio, a camp ground. He was talking to my uncle about his stand up comedy routines, when suddenly he began gasping for air. The doctors say he died of a heart attack and that he pretty much died at the camp ground. He had been so content. It was so sudden. We never got to say goodbye...

 

My life seemed to change drastically after that. My husband of 5 years sexually assaulted me, then cheated on me with our mutal friend, and we ultimately separated. I remember telling my family what he did to me. No one seemed to really care or make sure I was okay. My brothers are actually still "good friends" with my ex and claim he's a good guy despite knowing what he did to me. I don't think I can ever forgive them for that. At family functions I smile and pretend I'm okay and don't feel any negative feelings about their loyalty to my attacker, but inside it's tearing me apart. I find myself wondering what my Dad would have done if he had been here. He'd have kicked his ass. He'd have done something. He'd have supported me...

Maybe I deserved what happened. Maybe I changed since my Dad's death and my husband didn't feel the love anymore. Maybe he was needy and I just didn't have the energy anymore. I felt angry after my dad died. I didn't know why "God" took him from me. I was questioning a lot in my life.

Somedays, I'm okay. I carry on like everything is fine. Then there are days like this where I feel so empty and alone. Since my divorce, I've found a new man who is very supportive. He knows what happened between my ex and me, and he's very loving and kind. But he never met my Dad. He never experienced loss like I have. I appreciate his support, but he can not fully comprehend how I feel.

I hate that my dad is gone. I want to talk to him, to tell him everything that's happened and to hear his wise words of encouragement. I wish my brothers would have supported me and at least threatened to kick my ex's ass. Also, my mom remarried recently and I feel like she's so content in her new life that she forgets about Dad. We always have pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. It's dad's favorite. But this year, it was left out. Forgotten. Why?! It was never forgotten before! It's stupid things like this that eat at me. I just want my Dad back.

I didn't have the best relationship with my dad, but I still want him back. I want to be strong like he was. I want to be confident like him.

I don't know why I'm here. I stumbled across this site and decided to sign up and write a post to express my pain. I just wish I could go back in time and change so many things, like all the wasted time I should have spent with my Dad, or ever marrying my ex in the first place. But I can't. I'm left feeling empty. I just want my Dad back.....

[Mom's angel]

I don't know what to say to comfort you.. as my grief is very fresh.
Its been a month and 6days since my mom died.
But I wish you strength and courage as you're going through difficult time.
There are times when I just cry and yell that I want my mom back but the difference is my family support and helps me through the grief, I wish  your family supports you too and understand your grief.

[Chel]

Thank you. I know sometimes after pouring one's heart out, it's kinda hard to find words to comfort people. I'm just glad I've found this site. Reading people's stories reminds me that I'm not alone.

[Mom's angel]

Yes, this site is great. 

[kayc]

Chel, I hope you get therapy for what your XH did to you, in it they can also help you come to decisions for yourself about how much you want to be around your unsupportive family and how to deal with them.  What your XH did to you was NOT your fault, and it was NOT okay!  I've had two husbands rape me at the end of our marriages, and believe me, it is wrong, it's even against the law.  The first time it happened, it wasn't against the law yet, the second time I knew it would be my word against his and he was great at impressing people and friends with cops so I didn't press charges, but that still doesn't make it right.  No one would want to align themselves with an unrepentant rapist!  For your brothers to still be friends with him is very wrong.

We aren't really equipped to deal with such complex issues here, though, this is a grief site, here to help people get healing with their losses, so I do hope and urge you to see a therapist about those things.

I am sorry for the loss of your dad...my late husband was barely 51 when he died of a heart attack, the sweetest man you could ever meet, and I didn't get to say goodbye either.  It's very hard dealing with that sudden loss, but this is a good place to learn and grow through our common losses.  It's like taking a journey you never wanted to go on, but I have found some good things along the way...there are some wonderful people here, I have learned I have strength I didn't realize, and I've developed more compassion for others who go through this.  If a person hasn't been through this loss, they can't begin to know what it's like.  I lost my dad when I was 29 and pregnant with my first child and I lost my mom last year.  

I hope you will continue to come here and post, it helps to express yourself as well as listen for advice, this is a good place to be...safe and understanding.

[Ceili]

Chel - I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I agree with kayc. You are absolutely not responsible for what your ex did to you. NO MATTER WHAT, he ad no right to hurt you that way. I hope as well that you would be open to finding a good therapist to talk with. Please come back and express your feelings - there are so many good people here to listen.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.