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Just so sad


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Haven't posted in awhile. I guess I am finding the holidays so hard. My mom died this past July. I feel like I'm actually worse now than I was. I joined a bereavement group and it has been wonderful so I'm so thankful for that. Not sure why I feel like crying all the time now whenever I think of her. The counselor who runs the group had given us a sheet that broke grief down - it seems like 6-12months can be even worse because the reality sets in. Not sure if that's why I feel like this or that it's the holidays or that I'm off of work so my mind not as occupied. I am so not at the point of memories making me happy. Memories make me sad and want to talk to her even more.

Anyone else ever feel like this. It just plain stinks.....

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I think I have put up mental blocks because I know that I am trying to black out any sad thoughts, even memories as all they do is make me sadder. Knowing that is all I have left, and knowing my dear sister is nothing but a memory now is to much to bear. We always had our memories so they don't bring any comfort.  I don't know what will happen to me when the reality comes crashing down around me.

By the time people get to 6-12 months that reality has set in and it is beyond worse because everyone around you has definitely moved on, and it's like you are falling apart (again).

I know the holidays can't be helping. It didn't help me and it made me more isolated because I had to make sure I didn't go on facebook or instagram or anything like that to see happy smiling, holiday faces. I'm definitely sad all the time too.

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I know how you all feel. I'm in the same boat. 

Lost my mom Nov. 3rd. And I cry all the time too. 

My job went out of business oct 1st. So I have nothing but time to sit around and feel like crap. 

I doubt life will get any better any time soon for me. Since I lost my mom who was like my best friend. 

I guess I should hope for better but I don't see anything positive nowadays 

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At least I know I'm not alone in feeling like this. I guess I really thought I'd be better by now. I think I WAS better in between right after it happened and now. Guess it's the reality. And anytime anything good or funny (or stressful!) happens, SHE'S the person i want to tell.... 

I really don't know how that will ever get better. I STILL can't talk to my dad without crying. I feel so bad everytime I talk to him. I'm sure he dreads talking to me because I must make him upset. I just can't control the tears when they do come.

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DegasGirl, we really are in the same boat. I am exactly like you except that my sister is the one I'd go to if something annoying or stupid happened. I'd text or call or pop in to see her to vent and she'd get my frustrations.  No one else really gets my complaints, or cares, so I have to hold it all inside.

I can talk to my mom sometimes, but I wish I could get the perspective from my sister. It just feels so lopsided now. I know I make my mom sad too and then she gets mad, but it's not as bad as it used to be.

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I agree with you hollowheart. It has been almost 10 months now since my mom/best friend died. With the new year coming I have been having such a hard time. The reality has set in. My siblings are all doing better than I am. I was mom's caretaker for 3 years. Even though she was in assisted living this time last year, I still did everything for her.. She was deteriorating rapidly and I did things for her everyday. Doctors, ER visits, treatments. hospital stays. I was alone with her in the ER when the doctor told me she had suffered bleeding on the brain and it wouldn't be long. I think I went on auto pilot and blocked out my feelings to do all that I had to do. I had to say goodbye and tell her I love her before they transferred her to a different hospital with a neuro ICU. I followed the ambulance and the next time I saw her, she was almost comatose. Crying in pain. I felt so helpless and had no one was with me. My husband was out of town. My sister was able to get there in about 6 hours. I think I am feeling the pain I could not feel last year. I am crying a lot for my daughters as well. I don't know if this is normal or I am just not coping well.

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I miss my mom.  It's been over a year since she's been gone, it doesn't seem possible.  Like yours, my mom was in a facility, but she had dementia as well as Leukemia.  I miss visiting her.  My brother and I both dealt with the facility to make sure she was being taken care of properly, but I have four other sisters that didn't see her very often and didn't deal with the staff.  It seems like when you're more involved with their everyday lives, it's harder on you when you lose them.  Like you, it seems to be hitting me harder this year.  Part of it is that I was so relieved for her.  She wanted to go, she'd had enough.  So today, even though I miss her, I wish I could call her, wish I could visit her, wish I could buy her another pair of gloves,, I am glad that her struggle in this world is over.  She's gone to a better place and I know right now she can't stop smiling. :)

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32 minutes ago, Ceili said:

I think I am feeling the pain I could not feel last year. I am crying a lot for my daughters as well. I don't know if this is normal or I am just not coping well.

Ceili, my dear, grief has a way of lying in wait until we are ready to deal with it. As your mother's primary caregiver, you had so many responsibilities and details to attend to ~ It's no wonder that you were unable to focus on and give in to whatever you were feeling at the time. You had no choice but to put your grief on hold. Now you have that kind of time, so it's not surprising that your pain is bubbling to the surface. So yes, this is normal, especially considering how difficult this time of year can be for those who are grieving a significant loss. You are acknowledging and mourning the loss of your mother ~ and that IS coping. You might find this article helpful: In Grief: Feeling Disconnected From Feeling Bad

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Thank you Marty - I see myself in that article. Years ago, when my ex-husband and I were trying to start our family, we suffered three very different losses. Our first little girl Lauren, was born with Down Syndrome and a serious heart defect. Lauren died 2 days after open heart surgery at the age of 6 months. Exactly a year later, I suffered a miscarriage at 14 weeks. The following year to the exact date, my daughter Maura died in utero the day before they were going to induce me. It was a cord accident and I felt her die - frantic movement for 15 minutes, then nothing. When they did an ultrasound the next day and told me she had died, I heard a scream in my head and then felt nothing. I had to go through labor to deliver a deceased child. Right across the hall, a woman was giving birth at the same time. I heard the doctor call out to her "you have a girl". I buried Maura 2 years to the day of Lauren's death. I have not been the same since and never will be. I had always wanted to be a mom "just like my own mom". I never entertained the thought of pregnancy or adoption again. I don't think that I ever grieved that loss...that I wanted to be a mom. I gave up on a dream of getting my masters in nursing. I live with the fear of waiting for the next loss in my life. I am remarried and have a stepson and there were problems during his growing up years but we have a good relationship now. I think that losing my mom, who was such a support to me with all of my losses, has caused me to grieve the loss of my dreams as well. I lost my dad 8 years ago after helping mom with caretaking. I lost one of my best friends when I was 17 and another friend through suicide at 25. I am even crying for those old losses. As overwhelming as it is, last night as I cried, I started to experience this weird sensation of relief. I think that is a good thing. Happy New year.

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Ceili,

I am sorry for the loss of your children, of your dreams.  That is very hard!  I also lost three, although they didn't live to birth.  It hurts in a way no one can understand...unless they've been through it, and even then, it will be different for different people.

You are right that one loss on top of another compounds your grief and it seems they all cry out for you to deal with them, they do seem to trigger one another.

If you have a stepson, I'd say you are a mom, you did what moms do.  I'm sure losing your mom did stir all these feelings up.  My heart goes out to you.

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Celii, you have had so many deep seated losses, as Kayc said I know they trigger each other. There is longing for what was, for what couldn't be. You almost feel  maniacal with grief. Trying to mourn them separately will help with the insane feelings.  Your mother had a special place in your healing and her loss will hold a more significant place in your heart. Losing your rock creates a void no one can understand or ever fill again. 

I think the relief you feel is this sort of strange acceptance that it's ok to let go of certain pain. It's something that happens in its own time, but we are always told to make it happen ourselves. It's a much gentle accepting when it comes on its own. 

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hollowheart -Thank you. Sometimes they get all mixed up-especially the girls. You use the perfect word - insane. I will try to keep your advice in mind and remember to mourn them separately. Your use of the word "gentle" is also spot on. That night when I was crying, it was just that...gentler. I felt a bit more in control. It felt good in some strange way. What a weird journey grief is.

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