10 months on and not coping

[Em]

I'm new here so I apologise if this is a little rambling...My dad died in March of a heart attack. He was only 60. My mother was away on holiday and I, only living 30 minutes away, was trying to keep an eye on him. He called me in the evening and sounded a bit breathless, but assured me that he just had flu and wanted to go to bed. I offered countless times to come back and take care of him, but he insisted that he was ok. That was the last conversation I had with him. 

I went round the next morning to check on him and found his body on the floor. 

I don't really know how to deal with this, even after ten months. I barely remember last year. I think I've been in a state of complete shock. I am in therapy because I have terrible flashbacks to finding him, but I feel like things are just getting worse. I feel so guilty all the time, like if I'd just gone to check on him I could have saved him. Is this normal? I thought that things might get better, but all that seems to have happened is that I am better at pretending I'm ok. I don't want to worry my family with this. I just miss him so much. He was my best friend. I really wish I could find a way to speak to him, to tell him how sorry I am that this happened.

[hollowheart]

Em, I'm so very sorry for your loss and so sorry you are suffering like this. Your story sounds similar to mine, expect that it was my sister that passed. Like you, she was ill and I felt I had a chance to do something. I gambled with her life and waited and waited instead of rushing her to the ER. I found her the next morning and I have constant flashbacks on finding her which makes my grief that much worse.

It has been a few months for me but also don't feel like things are getting better. People around me think that I'm getting better, just tell me to hang in there, but it's not that simple. They don't have that image in their heads. They don't know what its like to have that pop up unexpectedly. Finding her was horrifying and I'm sure it was horrifying for you. I know how that feels.

Therapy helps some. I wish I had other answers. I'm looking for some myself. Coming here helps me because I can vent and read about how others in my same situation are doing. I believe I will only reach a tolerable state, never actually "better". I will never be OK again.

[Ceili]

Em, I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. My mom died 10 months ago and I still have very hard days. Today is my birthday and all I can think of is that it is the first without my mom and am shedding alot of tears. Unlike you however, my mom's death was expected so I don't have the added burden of feeling that guilt. It sounds to me like you did a very good job of checking on your dad and offering him help. You could not see the future. Your dad did his best to reassure you and probably felt that he was OK. It isn't the same, but there were quite a few times that I felt my mom needed to see the doctor but she refused. It took me awhile to learn that I could not force her.

I am beginning to believe that when dealing with a major loss, 10 months is not that long. Your dad was there your entire life and now you need to learn to adjust to a world without him. That is hard work. My mom was also my best friend and I cared for her for 3 years. We are all dealing with big voids in our lives that need to be filled. Be gentle with yourself (Oh I wish I could take my own advice). Talk to your dad. Tell him what you feel. I talk to both of my parents all of the time. I must look crazy. Keep coming here...people understand. I am glad that you have a therapist. I am seeing one as well. And maybe, your family might want to know what you are dealing with. Just something to keep in mind.

Thoughts and prayers to you.

[MartyT]

If there were some quick, magical way to erase the guilt that accompanies significant loss, I would share it with all of you. Unfortunately, it does not exist.

I do think, however, that it helps to do some reading about guilt, if only to learn that it is such a common reaction in grief. This article contains a number of specific suggestions for coping, which you may find useful ~ as well as links to several other Related Articles and Resources:  Grief and the Burden of Guilt.

[kayc]

Em,

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad...my own dad died at age 62 of a heart attack but almost died of one at age 45.  My husband died barely 51 of a heart attack, we hadn't known prior to that weekend that he even had heart trouble.  He made it to the hospital and through all of the tests but his heart was so severely damaged he couldn't make it to surgery.

My whole first year (at least) was a fog, I was in shock, frantic, anxious.  I'd say what you are experiencing is normal and to be expected under the circumstances.  It's common to feel guilt or regret when you lose someone, you wish you'd done this or that different, but truth is, it may not have had a different outcome.  In the end, we have to come to realize that we all did the best we knew to do with the knowledge we had at the time.  None of us wished ill on our loved ones, quite the contrary!

I wish you well in your grief journey, it's a long one, but it does evolve.  It helps to do our grief work and learn to be patient and understanding and forgiving of ourselves.

[MartyT]

I just read an article on Open to Hope entitled You Did The Best You Could by Nina Impala ~ and I thought of those who've posted in this thread. The author offers a simple but effective exercise that you may find helpful, if you're willing to give it a try. She writes:

When you are beating your beautiful self up, please go into your heart. Sit down, put your hand on your heart, close your eyes, and breathe, just breathe, slow down the breath slows down the busy mind. Losing a loved one is so traumatic no matter the age, changing your life forever. Nurture yourself!   As you sit please bring the most loving memory of the loved one into your heart. Continue to breath in and out slowly.

When you think of a loving memory, bring in all the senses too. The smells, the FEELINGS, laughter, warm smiles, hugs. See the colors of the memory and even what you may have heard. Recall that life, and the gifts that came with it.  You can change that downward spiral; get out of that loop in the brain. As with any new practice take your time with this. If the mind wanders gently bring it back with the breath even if you have to say the words I am breathing in… I am breathing out.  All this little mindful exercise does is slow down the brain, refocusing into the present moment. 

[Em]

Hi everyone, I wanted to firstly apologise for how long it's taken me to respond to all your kind words and honesty; I was out of the country. hollowheart, I'm so sorry for the experience you had; I can only assure you that you couldn't have known otherwise (however, I do also know how hard it is to truly believe this).

Ceili I want to wish you a belated happy birthday and I hope it was as ok as it can be in the end. We've had Christmas and birthdays without my dad and they've been very difficult. I'm hoping that as time goes on, these milestones will become easier to bear, for all of us. And kayc and MartyT, thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom with me.

I'm sorry for all of your losses, and I hope you're all as well as can be.

[kayc]

Hi Em, welcome back.  You've started the "firsts without" and that felt like a huge feat to me, getting through all of them that first year, but the second year didn't necessarily feel any better, was kind of hoping so.  I guess it's just a slow adjustment, it comes in it's own way and time.