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6 weeks on from my mothers unexpected death.


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Hi all, 

I am a new user - this page was suggested to via Instagram. 

I sadly lost my mother three weeks before Christmas last year following an operation to remove a cancerous tumour - as a result she suffered a massive stroke. I remember howling like an animal after being told of her passing. 

Even though I'm 29 I still lived in the family home and me and my mother had an extremely close relationship. Six weeks on the pain has eased a little although I doubt given the timeframe that I have seen the last of the bad days. I'm not crying as much but then I'm not sleeping great either - it's 04:14 a.m here in the UK and I'm still awake. 

Hoping to share stories and support those who are currently going through similar situations to my own. 

Beth x

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Hello Beth,

Losing your mom before Christmas would have been so hard. When I lost my mom a festival was being celebrated here. I know how bad that feels. 

I just turned 21and I too live with my family. I was so close to her, she died on Nov 20 2015

I also stay awake at night, sometimes I don't sleep at all or somedays I sleep all the time. That's normal I guess, one cannot function normally after losing a big, great and important part of life.

 

 

 

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Hello, 

Where are you from? I hope that you are doing ok. I feel young at 29 to have lost my mother, I am so sorry that you have lost yours so young. I sometimes struggle with resenting people whose mothers are still alive, although I feel guilty then afterwards. As far as we knew my mother was going to fine following the operation and we had made so many plans for 2016. It's haunts me knowing that before her surgery she will told the was a risk that she would pass away and chose to keep that to herself and go through her final hours alone in hospital - the family were visiting later that night. I am so proud of her for being brave but it doesn't ease the pain of living without her. My mother was relatively young too - at 60 I thought I had many more years ahead with her.

Beth

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Yes, I'm doing okay, probably that's what people like us tell other people with normal life, You can understand what I mean.
My mom was 42 when she passed away. 
Your mom died unexpectedly, that leaves so much emptiness behind. My mom too died unexpectedly. She was very healthy... I cannot talk about her death. But all I can say is that it was super super shocking to me and my family.. Even after the day she died all I think about was "mom's in the hospital, She'll be okay and come home soon ?".
Whenever I see girls with their moms, I just keep starring at them... I once used to be like them, happy with my mom and now I'm not.

There is a huge change in my personality.

Too much about me?.
I hope you're doing well too.

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Beth, I'm sorry for your loss.  You have company here, others who have lost moms (or dad as in Shari's case).  I do think it's harder the younger you are, in my case, my mom was 92 and wanted to go.  I think it's harder when it's sudden because you can't prepare yourself, but then again, having cared for my sweet MIL for three years while she was bedridden with cancer, watching them suffer and prolong the misery is really really tough, so it's hard to say, like comparing apples to oranges.

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Thank you, I'm finding this forum a great help. My mother was in a great deal of pain and following the stroke she held on for another two days after being taken off the ventilator. I am incredibly proud of her. We used to spend so much time together - watching tv, shopping etc, even down to our first morning cuppa. I've feel like I've matured years since she passed away. I am motivated towards getting through each day with the belief that one day we will be reunited.

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I like that, I never thought of it like that before!  Will share it on FB.

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Hi Beth! That was me on Instagram... I just felt that this place has helped me so much that I wanted to share with others.

My mom passed away last September from a massive heart attack and I was not even in the same country. It took me some hours to manage to buy a ticket back home. So I never got to just see her. I was in her ceremony before cremation, but they more not able to open the "thing' (hate the word) and I couldnt see her. I feel this really makes me crazy, but at least the last time I saw her in person was in an airport, both crying saying that we loved each other. I try to think that as the good bye, even though we almost spoke everyday after that, maybe if you have a memory like that you can try to trick your goodbye like I try. I'm 28 and my mom was 47 and I simply just HATE to use past tense to speak about her. Sometimes I just refuse doing so.

I know about the bad days and even on the ok days I feel guilty for not being as terrible as on the other days, but I guess none of the good mothers would like us to be in such a terrible place. So then I just speak to her...

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Thank you so much for the suggestion Deb1 - is it your Instagram page - motherless daughters ? 

I last saw my mother at the hospital on the Thursday evening, she died on the Friday morning. Ironically we were hoping she would be well enough to be released on the Friday. I chose to have my mother cremated so that I could have her ashes at home with me - that comforting to me for now. I've also started sleeping in her bed although apart from the first night in here,  I haven't slept much. 

I'm so sorry for your loss, I also experience guilt when I have better days but you are so right, our mothers wouldn't want us to be stuck in grief. 

Music has also been a comfort to me these last few days, particularly Jess Bostic - jealous of the Angels. Bette Midler - wind beneath my wings. Whitney Houston - I look to you.

Please reach out if you ever want to chat more. 

Beth x

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Hey, 

ive started writing a journal of sorts today addressed to my mother as a way of documenting and sharing the day's events with her. It's not the same as having her here with me physically but I definitely feel better for it. 

 

Hope everyone is ok. 

 

Beth x

 

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I'm still counting the weeks since she passed away mind, it's seven on the 22nd. I'm struggling to remember memories at the minute and remember how things were. I'm hoping the writing will start to trigger delayed memories.

Hope you are as well as can be expected ?

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Hi Beth! I hope you're doing alright, meaning the same mom's angel said. It's so weird when people ask us how we are doing, right? If it was so say the truth people would just run away.

No, that's not my instagram's page, but I like to see what they post...sometimes it's inspiring.

It's nice that you can find some comfort in music. Me, on the other hand, can't put myself to listen to music. Of course it's all around me, but I don't have the initiative. I can't sing also...

I like a lot your idea of writing a journal. I just try to say it out loud, but writing can be more effective when it comes to ease our minds, perhaps... will give it a try.

I'm going to get married in a month and still cannot think of doing it without her. It will be 5 months then. She was so excited about it... I can't think of that as a joyful day.

It's just so unfair that we've lost our moms so young...they won't be there (at least physically) in so many important things in our lives...

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The same is happing to me.. I'm counting everyday.. Time is not just passing by, every minute is heavy. I fear forgetting the sweet memories with my mother that's why I write them down.

I was doing okay but yesterday some relatives of mine showed up.. There was this aunty whom i never liked and she said that she had a dream about my mother. She said my mother was sitting in a corner and crying. I hate it how she made it seem, I felt like she was lying but I'm very much tensed about that.

 

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People sometimes have no idea of how their words can hurt....an aunt just did something similar to me these days. Even though right now I'm having trouble believing in God and more, I used to like to think that there is something beyond. And if there is, your mom wouldn't loose her time with your aunt, but with you, your father and brother (do you have more siblings?) So even if her mind dreamed about that, it's not true. Just keep talking, to her, writing and, if you please, pray, light a candle. I specially like to do the last one...

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Thanks deb1, first I would like to congratulate you for your marriage. I know that will hurt even I will have to go through the same at some point in my life but I'm sure that our moms will always be with us though not physically but in every other way possible. God bless you:).

I have two elder brothers, one of them is getting married in march, it's such a big event in his life and we are all going through all types of emotions. 

 I also think that the dream my aunt saw was fake.. I know and I believe my mom is happy. I'll try not to think about that.

l also like lighting a candle. Talking to her is comforting but not getting reply hurts however some special things happens sometimes that are just awesome.

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Mom's angel,

Sometimes people project their own feelings & thoughts onto their dreams, like if she fears your mom is sad, she would dream that.  I wouldn't put much stock by it.  I doubt your mom sent her a message, if she was going to send one it'd be to you.

Deb,

I believe your mom will be with you as you get married and hope it comforts you the thought of her being able to watch even though not physically present.

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Hello both, 

Congratulations Deb1 on your wedding. I can echo so much with what you are both saying - especially about the unfairness of losing our mothers so young. Never in a million years did I think I would end of losing my mother so soon. It haunts me that she will never physically see me get married, have children etc. However there are ways that we can still plan to ' include them' more so on the special days. Apologies for the words used I couldn't remember the actual words I wanted to use. In terms of family, certain members have chosen to distance themselves rather than stay in touch. I'm truly sorry for what you are both going through with your families please keep strong and know that you'll always have a friend in me.

xx

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Kayc, yes that can be a reason but she seemed fake. I guess some people do that, like a friend of mine said that she also had a dream about my mom( it was good though), she said my mother was smiling, but like deb1 and you said, why would my mother appear in their dreams rather than in mine. People don't understand how deep something can affect someone who is grieving.

Thanks beth for your concern. I also haven't thought about her earlier death, I always thought that when I'll grow old and she'll be too old we'll both hang out together. It's always seems unfair especially when we see other's with their mom.

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Hello again all, 

i hope you're all ok. I'm not crying as much but I still have some tears throughout the day. I'm having my mothers ashes home tomorrow , even though I know she's gone, I'm looking forward to having her home, just in another way. I'm not really sure what grief stage I'm at although I know she's not coming back I would necessary say I'm at the acceptance stage. 

Love and hugs to all x

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Beth,

I'm glad you're getting to bring her ashes home.  I didn't even get to see my mom's scattered.  My sisters and I wanted her ashes with my dad's grave but my brother scattered them at the coast instead, we weren't invited to participate.  I feel bad because I'm positive she'd want to be with my dad.

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Kayc, 

I have two older brothers, and they were fantastic in letting me make the final decision. I'm so sorry that happened to you, it really does seem unfair to be excluded like that. It's 4:20 a.m here and I'm awake still. Whilst trying to sleep I thought of creating a memory box for my mother. I'll probably look at starting that over the weekend. 

How are you holding up? 

Beth x

 

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I'm okay.  I miss her.  I do think it's easier when it's not sudden, a lot of my grieving was anticipatory, and by the time she died, she really wanted it to be over.  It was hard that there were six of us kids and she only left my brother in her will.  We were excluded from getting any of her possessions to remember her by even.  I don't think it's right we didn't get any input as to what happened to her ashes, but then she created the situation when she only named him in her will.  She was mentally ill and plagued us all our lives so I guess I don't see why her death should be any different, but still, it's hard.
 

Good luck with the memory box, what kinds of things will you put in it?

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