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Where I am now.


jame57

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I thought I'd update you on where I am today in my grief journey.  The prospect of Christmas and New Year was a scary one for this second holiday season without mum.  It wasn't as bad as last year and I had a few lighter days when I didn't feel so sad and anxious.  I've been enjoying some of my hobbies which is a good sign as for so long I couldn't get interested.  Going back to work after the Christmas break was a drag (as it is for most people) but it felt to me as though I thought "that's Christmas gone....now what?" I still feel down and blue but there are more lighter moments but also darker onrs too when the sense of loss and loneliness decends once again.  I now fully appreciate what I was told earlier on in my journey.....that grief never ends but we get used to it, we learn to cope with it and walk alongside it for the rest of our lives until we're reunited with our loved ones again (oh what joy that day will bring).  I know mum and dad want me to be ok but ever so slowly I'm beginning to see that this new normal is what I am left with and it's up to me to show them I can do it.  It's still hell at times and fresh waves come along to knock me over.  At times I feel guilty still for feeling ok when I do but slowly I'm starting to realise that's how it should be and it's what they want. 

 

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Parents never wants to see their children sad or depressed, they always wants to see us happy and doing good in life. I don't know what else to say as it's only been 2months&4days after my mom died and  I'm going through a lots of things and haven't reached the time where I could feel a little normal but I want to say that just be kind to yourself and its okay to feel okay.

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James, you are learning the same things we all are learning in "life with grief".  You are doing it and should commend yourself for it, it not an easy walk, that's for sure!

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Thanks both of you.  We've just got to be kind to ourselves.....easier said than done I know.  Just hate it a times but then think of mum and what she'd tell me.  

2 months is no time at all mom's angel.  It is bound to be raw and my heart goes out to you.

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The pictures from the time of her death are so fresh, it all seems to have happened yesterday. I still struggle with so many unanswered question. Guilt always surrounds me. But I'm trying for everyone who loves me, I'm trying for my mom. 

Her pain, suffering all the things she went through haunts me. She is so precious to me. I still ask 'why she had to die?'. I so badly wish that she comes back alive. 

But 2month are pretty much for a girl who hardly stayed away from her mom,.

 

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In the grand scheme of things two months may be nothing, but in the here and now living it, it seems like forever. :(

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4 hours ago, kayc said:

In the grand scheme of things two months may be nothing, but in the here and now living it, it seems like forever. :(

That's true.  Just one day can seem an eternity at times.

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Yes, when I feel my grief lifting and am tempted to feel guilty for not feeling said, I tell myself the guilt would only be applied if I forgot my brother altogether.  Holding on to the positive memories and lessons learned through the grief process is honouring the deceased person in the way they want us to. Also, of course, trying to uphold the values they left us with.

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It's important to give ourselves permission to smile because there's a point when we DO feel guilty for doing so, as if it takes us further away from them, somehow, if that were humanly possible.  We have to recognize that smiling does not take us further away and feeling bad does not make us any closer to them.  I think it's just an instinctive feeling we have to get past.

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On 1/25/2016 at 7:40 AM, Mom's angel said:

The pictures from the time of her death are so fresh, it all seems to have happened yesterday. I still struggle with so many unanswered question. Guilt always surrounds me. But I'm trying for everyone who loves me, I'm trying for my mom. 

Her pain, suffering all the things she went through haunts me. She is so precious to me. I still ask 'why she had to die?'. I so badly wish that she comes back alive. 

But 2month are pretty much for a girl who hardly stayed away from her mom,.

 

I think the same thing. I want to just bring my sister back so bad. I still have guilt that I didn't do more or notice more and get her to a hospital. I still believe it would have saved her, especially before she got worse over the next 2 days. I think 'why did she have to get heart problems?" I believe she would have needed a bypass or some kind of surgery. It would have been a bumpy road, but if she was alive we'd deal with it.  I just can't believe she is gone.

2 months feels like two years when you saw them everyday, all day.

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Just now, hollowheart said:

2 months feels like two years when you saw them everyday, all day.

I couldn't agree more.  Living with mum I lived my life around her and the stream of carers but I'd do it all again in an instant if it meant I could have her back.  That would only be selfish of me though as mum was in pain and distress much of the time but she rarely complained.  I would give up everything to be able to wind the clock back to when she and dad were healthy and active.

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  • 1 month later...

Jame57 I am so deeply sorry for your loss. It breaks my heart reading your words having the love of my life going through the same thing. I pray you will one day experience true peace in your life. do you mind to go read my post and see if you can help me understand since you lived a similar life as my ex taking care of your Mom. 

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Thank you so much for your kind words.  There are times when the sorrow is so awful and loneliness is all around.  But there are easier times too.  Whoever said grief comes in waves was spot-on. I've read your thread and have offered some thoughts.  It's good you've joined this forum....such a friendly group of loving people 

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