Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

GUILTY for not being there


Recommended Posts

I couldn't bear something happing to my mom. 

I cried even at her smallest pain,injury.

The time when she was in hospital I was constantly praying for her to be well. I cried silently Even when things were okay, because I couldn't bear to see her in the hospital, she was all the times worried about me, about how I would be handling all this, I didn't cried in front of her and I was with her all the time, day and night. Then things went wrong, worse. The doctors said her changes of surviving are very low,. I hate it how the courage and strength I was summing up all the times shattered at once, I hate it how I collapsed at that moment, all I did was cry cry cry, the next morning she died. I wasn't with her, what if she would be waiting for me? What if she needed me? What if she would have cried for me? How painful it would have been for her to leave without me being near. The struggle she would have gone through. Her soul might have searched for her daughter everywhere but I was not with her because I'm a cry baby, a coward girl. I'm such a bad daughter, she was the best I could have but no mother deserves a daughter like me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My dear Angel, my heart hurts for you as I read this post, and I am so sorry you are harboring so much guilt. Clearly you have been a loving and devoted daughter and I have to believe that your mother knew ~ and still knows ~ how very much you love her.

I can tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about, especially the fact that your mother was alone at the time of her death ~ but even as I say that, I know that my words do nothing to remove your guilt. I can also tell you that the guilt you are feeling is neither rational nor justified ~ but I know that won’t erase the guilt you are feeling now, either. You see, it really doesn’t matter what I say, because the one person from whom you truly need forgiveness is YOU. And forgiveness comes only when you realize you deserve it, you are worthy of it and you are ready to give it to yourself.

If we take a closer look at what is beneath this guilt you are carrying, it may help to know that your mother had far more control over the timing of her death than you did. My friend and colleague Barbara Karnes is an RN who has worked in hospice for many years and has cared for countless dying patients. In her beautiful book, The Final Act of Living, she asserts that we DO have partial control over the time that we die. She writes, “Or how about waiting by my Mom’s bedside for days and leaving the room for a second only to return to find that she has died. Oh, the guilt that goes with that occurrence. It is very important to know, if we are with someone when they die it is because they want us to be with them. If we are not with someone when they die they choose that also. We can take the gift of love and protection that they have given us. Protective parents tend to not die with their children in the room, even if that child is seventy years old (pp. 30-31).”

In an article published by Open to Hope, another highly respected grief specialist Dr. Bob Baugher describes what you are experiencing as “Moment-of-Death Guilt.” (See ‘Moment-of-Death Guilt’ and Other Issues Haunt Widow.)

When someone we love dearly has died, it is only natural for us to think of all the things we could have, would have, or should have done differently. We are our own worst critics, and it is only human to want to go back and re-do whatever we think we’ve done wrong. Unfortunately, whether it is justified or not, guilt is one of the most common reactions in grief. (See, for example, Guilt In The Wake Of A Parent’s Death ~ and be sure to follow the links listed in the Related Articles section, too.)

I hope this information proves helpful to you, my dear, and I wish for peace and healing to your hurting heart.

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My dear Angel, you are anything BUT a bad daughter!  You love your mother and I'm quite sure she knows it.  We can't always be there for others, sometimes we're apart...I was not there when my husband had his heart attack, and I did not learn of it right away because he didn't want to wreck my weekend, if you can believe it!  I was with my sisters at the coast, and he was all alone, going through this horrible life and death issue.  I did make it back before he died, but not in time to have a last heart to heart talk as there were other people around...and then he died.  While I will always regret that I wasn't there for him as I would have liked to have been, I was not a bad wife, I was the best wife in the world to him, just as he was the best husband in the world to me.  I don't know why life just works out like that sometimes but it does.  It's not a reflection on you though!

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks both of you so much.

Marty I read that article  guilt in the wake of a parent's death, I always look forward to your posts and articles, they helps a lot, besides I don't really have any grief support group near me so I just search online.

Kayc, you've been through all the pain and now you're helping other, I really appreciate that.

16 hours ago, MartyT said:

My friend and colleague Barbara In her beautiful book, The Final Act of Living, she asserts that we DO have partial control over the time that we die. She writes, “Or how about waiting by my Mom’s bedside for days and leaving the room for a second only to return to find that she has died. Oh, the guilt that goes with that occurrence.

 

This really touched me(I couldn't find where it was).
The guilt won't go away, it's far more than what the words could describe. Maybe it will remain with me till the time of my death, 
I will seek her apology when I'll meet her after my death.

My father and brothers were with her, but I'm sure she would have wanted me near her. She never leaved my side whenever I was sad or anything. I don't know but I wish that somehow, she tells me what she feels, do she forgive me, even if she is angry at me I would love getting scolded by her.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, Mom's angel said:

 I will seek her apology when I'll meet her after my death.

You have a plan in place to deal with it...yet why wait until after your death?  Why not write her an apology today?  There is so much we don't know about the spirit world, but this one thing I am sure of, they are more aware than they are able to let on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 7 months later...

Wow! Angel, I pray that you have forgiven yourself for not being with your precious mom when she died. Two months ago my sister who had been in the hospital for seven weeks with a rare disease died. She and her adult son lived with my mom and she was a caregiver to my mom even though my mom could pretty much take care of herself. I live 10 hours away and a week after my sister was hospitalized my husband took me to stay with my mom to help her until we thought my sister would get better and back on her feet. Unbeknownst to me my mom had started exhibiting signs of dementia that worsened after my sister who is the youngest and who my mom was very depended on and close with went to the hospital. I found out after being there maybe a week when my mother had to be hospitalized for a few days in a different hospital. While my sister was in the hospital I only got to visit her twice because my sister was in a hospital that was over an hour away, and each time I planned to go visit her with either my nephew or my brother and his wife my mom would act out in such a way that no one else could really deal with her. Therefore i would have to cancel going to see her. I did get to visit her twice but have felt guilty that I didn't go more and on the morning I planned to go I had to once again cancel and she died that night which was July 4th.  I even felt that I had been a coward for not going because it was so hard to see my little sister who had always been so strong become so sick. I've been wondering if I will ever be normal, for lack of a better work, again. I still can't bear to think about her too much and even after two months keep wishing this was a dream. God only know how my mom is dealing with the grief. 

I pray you are doing a little better.  God bless you!

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Elizabeth,

I am so sorry you've felt burdened by this.  You did your best with your family's needs, you didn't know she would die,  Guilt is common in grief, but the reality is, all of us would have done whatever we could for our loved ones, the problem comes in when there are conflicting needs for our attention, that and we don't know what'll happen, so we do our best but sometimes even that can't stop what happens.  I'm sure your sister, of anyone, understands that.

I like the following link because it describes so aptly what we feel and go through, but does so with the truth involved:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kayc,

you are right on about the problem with the conflicting needs for our attention because I felt like I was being pulled in two directions; dealing with my mom with dementia and how fast it was progressing and wanting to be there for my sister who was sick and I couldn't be there for her. Wondering when she would be home from the hospital and how long of a road she would need for recovery.  I know her concern was that our mother would be taken care of. What a stressful time that was. I couldn't believe what was happening and yet people go through stuff like it all the time. For some reason, yesterday and today I have thought a lot about my sister and at times I could hardly pull myself together. I think about how she worked hard as a teacher and loved her job, and saved but didn't get to enjoy life. After being hospitalized she told her son that she was going to retire and enjoy life but she didn't get a chance too.  I wonder, will I ever get over the sadness. I guess I have to take it one day at a time.

Thanks for the link included. Some parts as I read it it was as if it was speaking directly to me..

May God continue to comfort each and every one of you like only He can..

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, ElizabethH77 said:

I couldn't believe what was happening and yet people go through stuff like it all the time.

WE aren't used to going through stuff like that all the time, and thank God it isn't every day of our lives we have to do it!  I think you've shown marked resilience to get through this time.  When my mom went through dementia (she's been gone two years now), it was definitely a unique journey that we can't begin to convey to people who haven't been through it.  And I didn't lose a sister at the same time!  Hats off to you, you've made it this far, you just have to keep on keeping on. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kayc, it's only by God's grace that I'm able to keep going because this is for sure a hard road to travel, as you already understand. I'm so glad that I came across this grief healing discussion group where I can freely express how I'm feeling and realize that what I'm feeling is part of the grieving process.

I pray Continued comfort for you and everyone else traveling this road.??

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 months later...

Dear Angel,

You are not alone.  Guilt is one of the biggest problems for so many people.  When I facilitated a grief group at the San Diego Hospice, guilt came up over and over again.  So often people felt guilty because they were not present when their loved one died, but often our loved one won't let go when we are present.  I've heard "I just stepped out of the room for a moment," or "I just went home to change my clothes."  There were promises made.  "I promised mom I would paint her nails before she died."  Sometimes our guilt is all that is left. If we can hang on to it we can hold on to our loved one.  My dear, It is time for you to have some peace and forgive yourself.  Your mom loves you and doesn't want you to fret.  I've been where you are.  My mom died after I left the hospital.  She was my mother and my father and meant the world to me.  Live and embrace a wonderful life as you think of her because that is what she would want for you.

Because guilt is such a great issue, I've created a Grief Release hypnosis download that will be on my website, lenayrogus.com by the end of February.  The site is still under construction until then.  It iwill be free for anyone who wants to listen to it with my best wishes for their healing.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lenay,

Welcome to our site.  You have made a very good point: 

11 hours ago, Lenay Rogus said:

Sometimes our guilt is all that is left. If we can hang on to it we can hold on to our loved one.

It's good to let go of the guilt and hang onto our memories, knowing our love continues (both ways) because death may end the body, but it does not end our love.
This is good:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...