I cannot do it anymore!!

[Mom's angel]

I don't know what to do. I won't be able to continue without her. I don't want to. This sudden attacks of grief are almost constant. I cannot do it. I just wish I be able to survive until my time of death comes but it seems so hard. I want to meet her so bad. 

[deb1]

Mom's angel, please, don't feel like that  I know somehow how it can be difficult, but try to think of how much she loves you and what she is wishing for you right now. Think of everything she's been through to make you the person you are. All the love she put on everything she's done for you, no matter how little or big, think of them all. She did all of that to make you have the best life considering what she could offer. Right now you cannot be happy and, trust me, I understand the feeling...so just keep in mind that it's ok to feel like we do, it's normal to not want to go out or whatever...but think of the loving person who always have and always will want you to be happy. Once again, I know you cant just be 'happy' right now. But take it slow and take you time. We will NEVER forget our mothers and we will ALWAYS miss them, no matter what, but unfortunately we can't change the fact they aren't physically here and that this loss is with us. We can just do our best to be the women our mothers wanted us to be. If you need to talk, I'm here...

[MartyT]

Angel, my dear, I just happened upon an article that made me think of you, and I invite you to see if it speaks to you in a helpful way: The Art of Grieving 

The author is a bereaved daughter who shares the steps she learned in a meditation retreat that helped her cope with the death of her mother. She writes,

. . . Based on my experience over the past few years, this is my attempt to share “the art of grieving” in a few digestible steps. These steps can also help with other emotions that cause suffering such as fear, anger, worry or jealousy. Please realize that this is not a quick fix, rather, these steps can help illuminate a deeper understanding of our emotions so that we may emerge on a path of peace . . . Read on here >>>

[Mom's angel]

Thank you so much deb, your words means alot.

I know I'm being negative, I was not like this, I'm not what I was before. That girl died with her mom. I'm just a body and the burden of the body seem to much to carry around. I'm literally shaking all the times, I have lost all my confidence. 

Everything around me takes me straight to the memory attached with her, having the memory is not the bad part, the realization of her being no more is the worst part.

I'm taking one day at a time but at night everything shatters. Her suffering, her pain, all the things she went through are killing me. I don't know but I won't last longer.

[Mom's angel]

Thank you Marty.I'll definitely read that.

[deb1]

I know what you mean. Just the other day I thought, well, I just need to wait until it's my turn to go... 

My friends always have said that my laughter was one of the things that they liked about me and now I don't feel that I'll ever be able to have one and really mean the easy going feeling, the happiness that existed before. Every time (which is all the time) that I realize that my mom is not just traveling I feel that my throat closes and I can't breath. But I'm trying some baby steps and I can feel by what you write how strong you're being and I'm sure you can make through this pain.

Marty, thank you too! I also am eager to read more about, specially now with my wedding so close...

[MartyT]

17 minutes ago, deb1 said:

Marty, thank you too! I also am eager to read more about, specially now with my wedding so close...

You're so welcome, Deb. I may have pointed you to this resource already, but just in case, here it is again, from our friends at What's Your Grief?: 

A Wedding Guide for Grievers: tips for remembering and coping 

[deb1]

Not this one, Marty! Thank you again! I'm already starting to read them.

[kayc]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it, I know the pain all too well, deep inside of you.  But I'm here to tell you that you CAN survive it and even go on to have a good life...it won't be easy, nor will it be entirely pain free, but you can do it...it's called developing and getting to know our "new normal".  Our old normal is gone, and it's hard for us to learn how to do life without it...it was everything comfortable and familiar.  But we CAN create a new life for us...by "create" I mean we are active participants in it, not just victims taking what is handed us.  My heart literally broke in two when I lost my husband and I did not see how I could go on without him...but 10 1/2 years later, I'm here, I've survived, and there is some good in life...it doesn't equate to what I had before I lost him, but I've learned to try not to compare, to live fully in this moment and to look for (again, active participant) and embrace and focus on the good that DOES exist.  By so doing, it changes us, our outlook, it creates in us the ability to fully appreciate and take part in this gift of life.

I know, in the beginning, you do not feel like it, I didn't either, but I did it.  Someone said "fake it until you make it", and I think sometimes it's what we have to do.  That does NOT mean we have to be fake or wear masks, that's not what I mean at all.  It's okay to cry, okay to have a bad day (or year), okay to pull the covers over your head.  But at some point we have to come out, we have to engage in life, go to work, do the dishes and laundry, or we'll run out.  We still have to feed our pets and shower.  And little by little, the borders of "what we do" begin to enlarge.  Maybe someday you watch a whole t.v. show or read a whole book (that took me ten years but now I'm back to reading, no devouring books!).  It doesn't happen overnight, but it's one step at a time.  Somewhere between what you feel comfortable with, and somewhere between pushing yourself outside your comfort zone.  

You say you died with your mom.  I died with my husband.  I am a different person now.  And you'll find you are too.  I've lost both parents, my inlaws, grandparents, aunts and uncles, my husband, a niece and nephew, and countless pets.  My husband was the hardest, pets were next.  Losing my mom was different than any of my other losses because she was always there...but it was unique too because my mom was troubled all her life, and by the time of her death, she was ready to go, she was ridden with dementia and leukemia.  I do think it's harder losing parents when you're younger, and esp. if you're close.  My heart goes out to you.  There is life left for you but it remains to be discovered.  You can include your mom in that...share your day with her, tell her how you feel.  People may think me nuts, but I still talk to my husband and think about him all the time!  It's okay, they haven't locked me up yet...

[Mom's angel]

Deb and kayc, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate you taking the time to read and care to reply.

Deb I feel for you. 
Kayc you've been through so much and you've managed to get through it and still going. 
I know I should have courage, but I cannot now, from what you said I may get better but right now it seems impossible. 

I'm living that too faced life, the calm, composed, Strong girl in front of the world and the weak, coward, cry baby when I'm alone. I still need her.
The thought of living so many years without her are suffocating me. 
I used to be with her all the time, 
When she was alive I was not able to see fictional deaths of someone's mother as it made me emotional and now I'm living the nightmare.
My brain has became my enemy, it makes me believe that mom's not dead and when I believe it , it hits me with the truth , the horrifying truth of her death. 
I constantly want to ask someone, why is all this happening? 
Why can't it be a dream only? 
Was I given this life to suffer this pain?

It was her first major health issue, it was the first time. Why were my prayers not heard? Why no miracle happened that time? 

I know no one can give me the answers. 
I hate everything around me, people of my age are having a perfect life and my perfect life is destroyed. 
Sorry, I said too much. 
Thanks for the reply though.

[kayc]

No reason to say you're sorry, you haven't said too much, only spoken your heart.  It seemed impossible to me too in the beginning, and this is the beginning of an ever evolving journey.  To live early grief is to feel insanity, but it's not, it's normal under the circumstances, ask anyone who has lived it.

I, too, asked the whys, I too was praying when my George died.  Eventually I learned to stop asking why and turn it to "now what?", but that took a while.  I don't think my finite mind could understand even if God tried to explain it to me.  I did hear a story for a child that explained that God needed a special flower for His garden, and now she is that flower.  Not sure that helps adults though.

Of course it seems impossible right now, it did to me too, I couldn't fathom it, just could not wrap my mind around his being dead.  Now I see it more like the cycle of life...he is not dead, merely changed.  It's us, here on earth, with the finite minds, that refer to it as death.

[Mom's angel]

Kayc, it's so nice of you to share your experience and guide me, right now I find it cruel to even think of me being OK with my life and doing OK with my day to day work, may be 20years from now I will find myself in that position where I will be able to look back and remember the happy memories rather then the painful experience.

I wish I too die soon. I wish god soon needs a flower like me in his garden so that I can bloom next to my mom. This world does not attract me anymore. The thought of going to the other world seems so pleasing.

Sometimes people around us makes it so difficult, negativity seems to be more influencing then positivity. 

The only thing that gives me relief is the fact that I too will die some day, I wish that day comes asap so that I can meet her, tell her what I been through without her, hug her tight and cry as much as I want and then I will never cry again, we'll be happy ever after. 

[kayc]

I don't think it'll take 20 years, although it might feel like it.  Remember, this grief journey is ever evolving, it doesn't stay the same.  On day one, learning of death, think how you felt...that was the most excruciating moment of my life!  Fast forward a few months, you're no longer in shock, and you know you can take care of your physical needs, even if not emotional ones.  In a few years it will be different yet.  It does change continually, little by little we adapt, learn to cope...not miraculously, for it requires effort on our part.  The grief books we read, the grief counseling sessions, group support, self talk, memorial efforts, everything serves to help move us through this journey.  Journaling, voicing yourself, I even used art to depict how I felt and where I wanted to be...I'm somewhere inbetween, and I imagine that is how it will continue.

[Mom's angel]

But it's getting worst day by day. 

[Guest Janka]

55 minutes ago, Mom's angel said:

But it's getting worst day by day. 

My dear angel,

I´m so sorry for everything you must go through!I remember you and as well as Kay I´d like to make you feel better with saying it gets more bearable...little by little...with help of those who are close to you...who want you to feel better too...those like us here who never let you down...I hold you close to my heart.Please,remember,you´re not alone here!

With love Janka

 

[Mom's angel]

Thank you so much Janka, it means alot.

[deb1]

Hi mom's angel...was thinking about you as today I'm having one of those very bad days. I have to pick some final details of my wedding and I feel not like it. I'm so so sad. My mom always said I was very loving daughter, but I feel I didn't have the time to give all the love she deserves. I'm so sad... I wish so much to have her here.

It's good to hear from people like Kay that can make their way through all of this...

We need to keep being strong I guess.

[kayc]

Well, I make it through the days but the nights are tough with my anxiety!  Sometimes I do better than others.

[deb1]

I imagine it must not be easy even after all these years. I don't think we stop missing our beloved ones...it's just that sometimes I feel that there is no sense in life itself. We get to love, but the pain to loose them is so horrible... 

[Dave58]

It's going on 7 months for me.One thing I try to remember is that both my Mom and Dad lived on after the passing of their parents. Theywere there for me when they had to deal with their grief.Learning from this experience for me calls into question more about the natureof life itself. Since my Moms passing last July, I've reached out to those I've had a falling out with and apologized for whatever I did or saidthat offended them, regardless of whoever was right or wrong, it didn't matter anymore. One day my oldest brother well be on his last days,

I'll want the peace of mind knowing that despite our past disputes, I reached out to him, appreciating his good points and what he had done for me in my past dark days of life. Like what someone said on this thread, make your Mom happy knowing that your  'trying' to live on to the bestyou can. I also have days where the grief is very hard to come to terms with. But it does fade, every time you make it, you can become a little stronger.

[Mom's angel]

Deb, I had to do the same help for my brother's wedding. I missed my mummy every second. All that I was thinking about was of the things she would have done if she was here, all the time i was having  flashs of her bright smiling face. It is the first wedding in my family, I hate how she is not here.

I know Kay is helping us a lot but it would be a lie if I say I understand, I'm doing okay because I don't understand And I'm not okay. I want to scream so loud, I want her back, I'm grown up I know but I need her so bad in my life, 

It kills me to do things alone which once I did with her, I hate how I have to be strong in front of everyone, I hate it when people call me strong, brave or when the say they are proud of me for handling things so well because that's not what the truth is, it's just I don't show them because I know once I let it out in front of them they won't be able to control me, I cannot do that because it will break the hearts of those who loves me.

Dave, I'm glad your doing what your heart says, forgiving and apologizing form heart is not an easy thing but you're doing it and that's so nice. I wish you peace of mind.

My mummy's mother and father are still alive and my father's mom is also living till date. There is no one in our relatives who have lost their parents at a young age.

[deb1]

Dave, that's a very kind hearted thing to do. The passing of our mothers brings a different perspective in life, right? Sometimes I try to be not as hard on myself, but there are times when it's very difficult. The fact that I haven't seem my mom after she passed away and before I only would see her from my laptop screen or her text tricks my brain and I feel she's just not there at the moment and soon I'll get a message from her saying something about everyday life. So then I talk to her and in my mind and can even smile about something she'd say or do. But then strikes me like a thunder that that's not possible and I just break... it's like a rollercoaster all the time. My mom is very spiritual and believed without a blink that there is life after this one. And I want so bad, but I think I've lost what it takes to believe and just keep remembering an almost real dream I had with her. But it's like we've said...we have to keep on going for the sake of our mom's efforts to make us happy.

Mom's angel, I know, I still can do it myself...I feel this hole in my heart will only grow. I keep thinking that maybe when I become a mother myself I can get a small peace, because then I'll be sure that my mom knew how much I love her. And I know what you say about people saying things like you're doing well...I'm not doing well, my heart is in pieces and I don't know what to do with myself, but I just keep going.

And it's the same for me. I've never lost anyone. And this shouldn't have to be like this...if there was fairness in life, this wouldn't be like that. But we have to go on...

Do you know if you brother could feel at least a bit of joy in his wedding day? I keep wondering about that. I won't forget my mom even for a second that day, but I also wanted to be able to think of the love for the kind man I'm marrying.

[deb1]

I just can't forgive myself for living abroad for 4 years while she was having depression. I visited not so ofter because of money, but spoke to her almost everyday. Sometimes life was on the way or I was feeling sad or sick and didn't want to speak to anyone. She had my father, brother and her best friend around, it's not like she was alone, but I feel so sad that I was not with her. I feel just so sad for not being around her all the time... I really love her and said almost everyday and tried to show as much as possible, but I also was annoying to her, i imagine, because I was all the time telling what she could do to fight depression... it's just such a difficult thing to deal, but I really tried my best.

[kayc]

deb1,

At least you talked to your mom often and tried to be there for her as much as you could, I'm sure that made quite a difference to her.  And thank God she had her beliefs, that gave her something to hope in and look forward to.  Depression is a hard disease, there's no way to talk someone down from it, it takes professional help and even then, it doesn't always bring them out of it.

[hollowheart]

Deb, you talked to her everyday and like you said, she did have other family in her life. We all have this guilt over what we did or didn't do with our loved ones, and that will never go away. Lord knows I know it won't for me. I think when we are living our lives and everything is going fine...it's going fine, but when tragedy strikes we say "why did I move out?" "why did I live abroad?" "why did I only call 3 times a week instead of 5?" when those things were working for us they were working and in reality there was nothing wrong with that.

We owe ourselves to have a life. I remember in college we had to give some presentation about something or say something about ourselves and this girl mentioned how she was living at home and helping everyone out and she was not going to do it anymore, she was going to move and have her own life and not feel bad about doing it. And that's just how it is.

One day you have to do for you even as you try to help others on on the side. Depression is hard because it usually looks like the person is just moping around being negative. It is more serious than we realize. I also think those that are depressed even notice it until they are deep into it.