1st Anniversary of Mother's Passing and Relationship Ends

[MartyT]

I love it!  ♥

[Cathyc]

Hahaha! That made me laugh. Thanks so much!

 

[ChinUp54]

Something just occurred to me.  I was out of town on the anniversary of my BF's mother's passing and had sent him a card to arrive on the anniversary to let him know I was thinking of him.  The following weekend he went to our hometown where his mother is buried and hadn't told me beforehand that he was going.  I tried to reach him and he texted me letting me know where he was, then called me the next day when he was on his way home.  I had moved my horse to a new barn that weekend and he asked how it went.  It had gone very smoothly and I was a bit excited about it.  We talked that evening, then the following morning, and that was the last time.  I didn't make the connection of the anniversary of her passing and him going home until now.  He probably went to visit her grave.  I feel like a complete idiot.

A mutual friend checked in with him recently and asked him about us. He told her we broke up - that long distance relationships were hard. No kidding. I'm not having a good day.  This is awful.

[kayc]

I am so sorry.  Unfortunately, we can't always see everything, hindsight is easier, but we tried our best and gave our all, can't do much more than that.

[MissLoss]

As much as you'd like to change the past, you just can't. It's hard not dwelling on it, but we must not be upset by things that we could have done differently or we won't be able to move forward. You didn't do anything with bad intentions and you weren't being insensitive. You didn't do anything wrong.

[ChinUp54]

Thank you Kayc and MissLoss.  I tend to be way too hard on myself and this was another example. I doubt had I handled it differently anything would have changed.  He had pushed me away for months, hence his not telling me he was going out of town. Some days are just more raw than others and it seems this week is simply a raw week.  Thanks for reaching out. As I've said before, this site has been a godsend. 

[ChinUp54]

I thought I would check in as I haven't posted on this in quite some time.  It has been 3 months since my BF stopped calling and I am finally feeling lighter.  This morning I was reminded that I flew home to attend his mother's burial a year ago today. So it's been a year since I've seen him.  So much changes in a year.  Changes have occurred that I didn't want, but life goes on anyway.

My best friend from California visited me this weekend.  Even though the weather was snowy, cold and wet, we had an amazing time together.  We visited horses and rescues so she could take photographs.  One of our destinations was off of dirt roads which now were muddy and slick making our travel in my little car quite exciting and somewhat foolish.  We made it, then trudged around in mud and met the newborn horses and the people who care for them at the rescue. As I said, it was an amazing weekend.  I am truly blessed to have such a talented and caring friend.  She will be back in June for a fundraiser for our favorite rescue, and I will travel to visit her in July rather than going home as I had planned.  I'm not ready to go home yet. Maybe next year.

My heart still aches and I'm not crying as often as I was, but the hurt and loss are still there.  Eventually that too will subside.  I blocked him on FB as it was making me crazy seeing him there or knowing he is out and about with friends yet has made no contact with me.  If it weren't for my involvement with the horse rescue group on FB, I probably would close it all together.  Taking care of myself is my first priority and doing what I love, focusing on joy, and living in the moment seem to be working.  My goal is to create a new circle of friends as well, particularly with the horse rescue folks.  We have so much in common.

I've been doing some home improvement projects as well.  Slowly but surely it's all coming together.

Be well.

[kayc]

You're doing all the right things and eventually even the hurt will go away.  It's hard not to feel rejected and that is painful.  Still it's about him and nothing to do with you...but it does affect you and that sucks.

I'm glad you had a great weekend with your friend, and glad you have the horses too, it sure helps!

[ChinUp54]

Kayc how did you reconnect to begin your friendship? Were you the one to reach out or did he reach out to you? I've given myself another deadline for no contact and that is September 2016. Probably the 25th which would be somewhat of a milestone. I'm just looking for some guidance on what to do when the time comes, if I choose to do anything at all. Thanks so much.

[kayc]

Jim's mom didn't want to meet me, she was a volatile person that demanded her way and he wouldn't stand up to her.  That was fine until she started going downhill physically all of a sudden and he had to quit his job and caretake her 24/7.  He had no relief, no support.  Eventually hospice came but he had problems with them because they wouldn't call his mom by her correct name and it constantly upset her.  He was sleep deprived and being Asperger's, he would focus on one thing at a time, and at that time, it was his mom.  He broke up with me by Fed Ex.  We had been engaged for a year and I got the package 9:30 am at work.  

Eventually he moved his mom to his home and continued caretaking her, but I wasn't allowed to visit because his mom forbade it.  Friends, neighbors, he continued contact with, me, no.  I found out about his mom's death and I sent him a handmade sympathy card, several months had gone by with no contact by that time.  The next day he got the card and called me, he talked for 3 1/2 hours.  It's like he was pouring his heart out about everything he'd been going through.  Over the next couple of weeks he continued contact, then got sporadic.  He was grieving and as such, was unpredictable.  I learned if he said he'd call that night, not to count on it.  I learned not to expect anything!  Over the next couple of months, I started out hoping maybe we'd get back together but quickly seeing he was no longer reliable and had ups and downs and it was yanking me around emotionally.  I decided I'd cried my last time over him and put a guard around my heart to protect myself from his yanking.  I learned to not put a lot of stock by what he said (relationship-wise) and give it a wait and see attitude.  The proof is in the pudding.  In all this time he's never tried to get me back, and it's been nearly six years.  But things have changed between us.  I still care about him, am still attracted to him, but I view things differently now.  I value him as a person very much and treasure our friendship.  We can tell each other everything, and are very comfortable with each other.  But I guess it wasn't meant to be beyond friendship...earlier in our relationship it seemed we would spend our life together, but now it's gone a different direction.

I think it's important realizing first and foremost what is right for YOU.  

If you choose to initiate contact, I would refrain from relationship talk or pressure, keep it simple.  Even an I love you or I miss you can be construed as pressure.  Thinking of you seems less threatening.

By this time, Jim and I have talked it all out, and while I no longer trust, he no longer trusts himself either, and that's why he hasn't tried to get me back or date again.  He doesn't want to hurt anyone again and all of this took him by surprise as much as me.  I almost lost him last August, he had congestive heart failure, he's not out of the woods yet, and it was eye opening how hard that hit me.  I went to the hospital as soon as I found out and visited him a couple of times there.  He's come up here and visited and invited me down there (we're 75 miles apart), but we don't see each other often, it's mostly phone.

[ChinUp54]

Thanks so much Kayc.  I find it hard to believe that he's not missing me. How do you go from talking several times a day for almost 3 years to nothing and not miss that person? Makes no sense, as we all know.  I'm not contacting him for the time being. My previous attempts have gone unanswered so I've shifted my focus.  This has been the most difficult breakup I've ever experienced. It would be easier if he cheated on me or something. You've given me, and all of us, such wonderful advice and I want to thank you for your wise words and compassion.  I'm coming out of this a different person and hate to admit it but I needed the kick in the pants this breakup has given me. 

I've found myself wanting to talk to him today because we lost a 4 day old colt last night to pneumonia.  I used to tell him everything. I never imagined he wouldn't want to hear from me since we were best friends, or so I thought.  Instead I've been talking with my friend Nancy who met little Nick (the colt) on Sunday. We're both very sad.  Life goes on, and sometimes it doesn't. Just be grateful for the precious moments when they happen I guess.

Tomorrow my mother and her husband arrive. I really like her husband. He loves it when I give him projects and I always have plenty. I promised to make him French onion soup and a caramel cake, so I have plenty to keep me busy as well.  Hopefully my daughter is available to take mother shopping as I'm not a shopper. Mother doesn't get dirty and I don't shop LOL. Give me barn dirt any day.

Thanks again for being here for us.

[kayc]

I hate shopping too, although I used to with my mom when I was young.  I am NOT a city girl, give me country and animals any time!

I'm sorry you lost a colt, that's really hard.  I don't know how long it's been since you've talked to him, but maybe anywhere from four months to a year out, make contact, keep it simple, just a "thinking of you".

[ChinUp54]

Today is my BF's mother's birthday - she would have been 87.  I haven't contacted him even though he is in my thoughts today.  I suspect it may be a difficult day for him. So I'm sending love his way because I believe he needs it.  Maybe I need it too - to send it that is.

My visit with my mother was a train wreck.  I'm finally back to feeling like myself and it's been almost 3 weeks. I was amazed at how fragile yet angry I felt while she was here.  Clearly I was not ready for her emotionally.  It's so sad that I have to "prepare" myself to spend any time with her.  Number one the visit was too long.  But I give myself credit for saying what I felt when I needed to.  Whether it did any good remains to be seen.  Going forward I will recommend the hotel down the street rather than have them stay with me.   

Lots going on in the horse rescue world - several new babies born recently and I plan to visit on Sunday to meet the new arrivals.  I've also been working on a project for a fundraiser we're having next month, which has been extremely rewarding.  It's a success booklet to show before and after photos of rescued horses.  There are some amazing folks out there who go above and beyond to help these horses.  It's encouraging to see the transformation of a horse who is cared for properly. They are so forgiving.  Humans have much to learn from them.

[MartyT]

I agree with you completely about all that we can learn from our animal companions, and I'm glad that you have this horse rescue project to sustain you through this challenging time. If there is any way you could post a few of those "before and after" photos, I know we'd love to see them!  ♥

[kayc]

I so agree!  I love horses too and it kills me to see them not get the love and care they should.  Some people think all they need to do is throw some food at them.  No!  They need love, brushing, ridden if they can be, treats, talked to.  I give the ones down the street the only love they have...they love to have their chins rubbed underneath, they love attention!

[ChinUp54]

I am happy to share the before photo of our rescue boy who has his forever home with my friend Kim.  The first photo is what he looked like when we picked him up.  The second is of him being ridden by my friend.  He's very happy and loved.

[ChinUp54]

Here is a more extreme case of change - this is a mare that was saved whose name is "Vincent."  Huge difference, don't you think?

 

[ChinUp54]

One more. This is Aria - she was sickly and severely underweight.  Look at her now!

[MartyT]

Just amazing what a little love and care can do ~ and blessings to you for the part you're playing in bringing these beauties back to health! Thank you for sharing the photos, too!  ♥

[kayc]

That's amazing!  I look at Arla and it doesn't even look like the same horse!  They looked malnourished in their before pictures!   The horses down the street are fed but nothing else.  One has had dreadlocks for years.    There is no excuse!  If people don't have time to properly care for their horses or don't care about them, they should find them a better home.  One of them didn't even have a name, so I named him Ashley (he's grey).  I wish they could get a new forever home where they'd be loved and cared for.  For now, I do what I can, I bring them treats and pet them and talk to them...they eat it up.  And they love my crazy dog!

[ChinUp54]

I've been spending more and more time with my new horse rescue friends and have discovered something that really fills my heart. We are doing great things for these horses.  Our first fundraiser is happening in a couple of weeks and I'm happy to be a part of it.  Saturday I went to the new rescue to help out and introduce another horse friend to everyone.  Upon arriving the resident mini donkey Clyde was being barked at by a big dog (through a fence) and Clyde was braying back very loudly.  It was hilarious.  Apparently Clyde runs the barnyard!

Heading to the barn a vet pulled up and was there for an emergency - a colt had been born sometime that morning and the mother wasn't producing any milk for him. Long story short, another mare had stolen the baby as her own, while the actual mother was still in the pasture. We rearranged horses and baby and got him fed. I had the pleasure of feeding mom some grain while holding her lead rope.  I love volunteering there because I never know what I'm going to end up doing when I arrive.  This is a photo of Titan, the new colt who is not even a day old, after feeding from his mom.  He just laid down, full and ready for a nap.  I plan to see him again this weekend, along with the 3 other foals that have been born there recently. All of them are thriving and being well-cared for.  Enjoy the photo!

[MartyT]

Enjoy, indeed! That I did ~ and with a name like Titan, surely he is destined for greatness! I love the work that you do for these magnificent creatures!  ♥

[ChinUp54]

Thanks MartyT. One day I will thank the  BF for prompting me to get back to my full life. I am grateful. 

[ChinUp54]

Good morning. I sure am in a funk today, which actually began yesterday.  I'm not quite sure what's going on but a lot has happened lately. One of my classmates that I've known since 3rd grade passed away this week. He had MS which debilitated him and apparently he had fallen down some stairs, was in the hospital and never recovered.  I last saw him two summers ago at a class reunion. He made an effort to attend because I believe he knew his days were numbered. He smoked heavily and drank way too much that day and apparently that was how he was living following his diagnosis.  I had seen him on and off over the years and can't say that we were close, but I'm from a very small town and everybody knows everybody.  Maybe I'm feeling my own mortality from this.  We have lost several classmates in recent years - to cancer, prescription drug overdose, alcoholism, and freak accidents.  Yes, my own mortality, I guess that's what it is. Or at least part of it.

I am all over the place with my thoughts and emotions.  Summer is here and the weather is gorgeous.  This is the second summer without the BF.  Every time I see or hear a Harley I get sad. So this is also the second summer with no rides for me, but I'm sure he's out riding with his friends.  I'm just angry, frustrated and sad that I'm not included anymore. And I'm sick of feeling like this out of no where.

My dad has been everywhere lately too. Five year anniversary of his passing was on 6/15.  Lots of FB memories and photos that have been nice to see but remind me how much I still miss him.  So I've been lurking here reading posts in other forums and see the parallels in grieving.  While my current grief is of a lost love relationship, I see that all of us grieving are experiencing many of the same emotions. My heart goes out to everyone.

So plan of action? I'm going to let what I'm feeling flow through me and simply let it be. I would love to stop being in tears while I'm typing this because I am at work LOL, but apparently the tears need to flow. Timing could be better though. We close at 3 pm today, so I'm planning to visit my horse and get her out to let her play a bit. One step at a time, right?

AGH!

[MartyT]

That's it for sure, my dear: One step at a time. Good for you for acknowledging your feelings, letting them flow through you, and simply letting it be. Good for you  ♥