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My new cat can't stop my grief


Athos

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I am fostering a cat for the last 3 months. I thought that he would help me get over the loss of my two

most beloved cats last year or more but he has not. His personality is so different from them that

there is no comparison. He is only about 2 or 3 years but he acts like 14 or 15. Very sleepy quiet

and he actually hits me in the face sometimes then runs away. So I miss by other two cats and I call

out their names. They were my family, literally, I just want them back. I do not feel that I will get over

them. I have thought that this new cat must really be older, that someone was misinformed. But I do not

think I could return him to the lousy life he had in the shelter.

 

 

 

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Shelters are often way off when it comes to age.  They told me my dog was 63 lbs and age 2-7.  I took him to the vet the next day because he had kennel cough (they shouldn't have adopted him out with it but I wasn't about to take him back), and he weighed in at 79 lbs and the vet said he wasn't quite a year old and had four more years of growth.  He is now 8 and weighs 140, a far cry from the 63 lbs I thought I was getting.  My limit had been 50 lbs and I thought I could stretch it for another 13 lbs, I never dreamed I'd be stretching it another 90!

But I wouldn't live without him.

I'm sorry this cat isn't what you had in mind.  I wonder if he's bored.  Have you tried engaging him in play?  Laser lights, catnip, toys on a stick that you move in front of him?  Maybe another cat would get him moving.

They are all different.  Midnight laid around and slept alot.  Taffy was a handful.  Autumn was my mouser/hunter.  King George was my greeter.  Chappy was my lover.  Tigger was the playful one.  Now I have Miss Mocha (she sleeps a lot and flirts with any man she meets), and Kitty, who is very interactive, more like a dog except she's grumpy and comes with Cattitude!  

It's true, they are all different, and you get what you get, just like with kids.  I've learned to appreciate the different qualities of each one and not expected any to replace another...they can't.  It'd be as unfair as expecting us to.

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I have a cat I adopted ten years ago and no clue to her age!  The vet didn't have any idea and she doesn't seem much different now than when I got her.  She'd already had kittens and been fixed before I got her.  She' anywhere from 12 to 16 is my guess!  She never was very playful.  But Kitty is 19 and still playful!

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  • 1 month later...
On 2016-02-17 at 5:06 PM, Athos said:

But I do not think I could return him to the lousy life he had in the shelter.

Athos, that's what I'm glomming onto here as the most important consideration at this point, imo, so I'm glad you said it first. :wub:  Kay's contributions are also great ones, as are Marty's. I also PM'd you privately, so check your message box.

At the end of the day, you'll have to live with yourself, and be able to sleep nights, so follow your conscience/higher guidance system, as it's there for good reason. There is nothing worse than having regrets about your inner Self, or ignoring your own, highest values that are calling to you.

If nothing else, even if this guy is fairly old, you could reap the invaluable rewards of knowing you are helping a more elderly cat who is most likely unwanted simply because he's older...the sad plight of far too many cats in this cruel world....and frankly, even of many older humans! And for all you know, this guy could live into his 20's, so still may have plenty of time left to love and be loved! :) 

I also have known 2 cats who used to sometimes whack at me or others...I figured, in self-preservation and fear mode around "strangers," or just not having been taught otherwise...but time spent with me changed that, even though one of these cats only came by for rather short visits, inside and outside. One of them became one of my best, special feline girlfriends for about 6 years, until she was killed. (and I spent 2 weeks searching for her body, never found) And the other one's spirit came to me right after she'd passed (unbeknownst to me at the time) to let me personally know she had transitioned, after I'd helped her out with my healing work just one day before she was euthanized by her people, and to thank me for helping her out. That is how grateful they can be, no matter their seeming disposition. So I say, never underestimate the power of love and compassion, especially that shared between other animals and humans.

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Another thought:

Just to see what may come of it, you could also try asking this cat (out loud &/or silently) if he likes whatever name he's been given (their names are often unceremoniously changed at shelters), and see if you get any "inspired" answers back - either hearing a name (or a form thereof) in your head, or through a vision, or seeing a name being made manifest repeatedly, or seeing an object or other creature repeatedly, etc, and "try it on" for this cat to see if he responds positively to it or not, or if you need to tweak it somehow. Just stay open to the possibilities. Most animals are never asked what they'd like to be called, but just imagine how awful it would be to be forced into into, say, an "old folks home" and have people disrespectfully and suddenly changing your name on you, without any consideration as to how YOU felt about it...as if it wasn't bad enough that you were thrown into this strange, horrible place that wasn't "home"! Additionally, animals can even "live up, or down to" their given names and what those names energetically carry. Meanwhile, a simple change in name to what they prefer can often positively change their personalities literally overnight.

I've done this with nearly every cat I've ever known, so they've all received various "nicknames" from me that they made me aware of one way or another, and the ones who weren't legally mine immediately "came" to those names, not to whatever name their people had chosen for them. For just one example, the given "Princess" suddenly became "Gem" one day, because I was receptive to hearing what she preferred, and our relationship just blossomed after that. :D She NEVER "came" to her given name, even when used by her own people, but ALWAYS responded to me calling her "nickname," and she concurrently became SO amazingly loving towards me, even my own fur-girl's spirit came through her for me, several times running. Such simple things can create miracles, and stretch us beyond our self-imposed limitations. 

It is just BLISS when you can connect to an animal in these ways, and can immediately enrich and change lives. :wub:

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When I adopted Arlie, my dog, the shelter had named him Arlington.  One minute alone with this dog and you know he's not an Arlington!  That sounds stuffy and sophisticated, something he is not!  He is very alert, lots of personality, stubborn, FUN, GOOFY, loving, anything but an Arlington, so Arlie it is.  My son said he would have named him Goofy, but I didn't want to saddle him with that, he is, after all, smart and loving.

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Lol! Yup, that's the spirit! Sometimes it is just a matter of shortening a name to one that suits better. And glad you chose against the more limiting "Goofy," too, Kay! I'm sure your boy appreciates it! :D Some of the names (either given or nicknamed) I've seen or heard for some poor animals have sickened me to my core, they're so derogatory and demeaning...and of course those are the animals who usually have behavioral "issues" that make their lives miserable.

But your story reminds me of how one of our former neighbours' cats came with a "stuffy," very "formal" name, too, and thankfully, they at least shortened it to something more "casual" for him. That being said, he still got other 'nicknames' from me that he imparted to me over the years. One of his all-time favourites arose from a healing session I did with him, where I was involuntarily made privy to a former, very traumatic lifetime of his, and showing he was still tied to big fears he experienced back then. At the end, he suddenly gave me something else he'd like to be called, namely "BIIIIIIIG Tiger-Tiger" (who was I to argue or question a name I never would have come up with myself?!), the requisite prefix helping him feel more personally powerful (since his personality can be highly sensitive, which caused him many problems). I swear, you could just SEE him get all enervated and more confident in himself every time I called him that, as long-winded as it was for me to say, lol! It was SOOO incredibly gratifying! Sadly, his people never inquired into WHY I was sometimes calling him that, or I would have gladly detailed this for them, for his sake.

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We often come up with alternate nicknames for our pets, for Arlie I often call him Little Boy.  Some people think at 140 lbs it's like calling the big guy Tiny, but that isn't it.  He IS my "little boy", it's how I feel about him!  It doesn't matter how big he is.

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If I knew that my cat would never be returned, I would not have taken him in the first place. I found him in a no kill shelter living in a closet, not hanging with

other cats because he did not like their company, I was told. My vet told me to play with him more, but he loses interest after 5 minutes.

I would have adopted a black cat like I had before. Would changing his name matter? I'm not sure he knows his name.

He is 2-3 according to the vet, so I hear. They check his teeth. Well, at least he does not scratch up anything or knock things

over like previous cats. It seems that he doesn't get much out of life, sleeping so much. I'm not worrying about him at all.

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I'm sorry, Athos  It seems you are quite disappointed with your cat, that perhaps it is a mismatch.  Have you considered taking him back? Perhaps they do or don't know the meaning of their names, I don't know.  Maybe it wouldn't matter what you call him, except that they DO know the feeling behind it!  

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I apologize for the very short notice, but there is a timely webinar coming up TOMORROW (Wed., Apr. 6/16), hosted by Kristin Hadley Thompson through her professional Animal Communication/Training practice at http://heart2heartwithanimals.com/  that will address the importance & effects of names, if anyone's interested in learning more about this.

This event is geared towards the work that Animal Communicators (or aspiring ones) do, so I have not included the live call-in number for such participants/members. Out of respect for everyone taking part in this event, IF there is a window provided to submit questions, please refrain from utilizing it if you are (a) a novice or skeptic, or (b) not currently aspiring to learn Animal Communication yourself. However, you can still listen in to the discussion online via the Event Page listed below, at the time of the event. Note this is in Eastern Time, so convert accordingly to your own time zone if you want to catch it. 

Animal Wisdom Mastery Hour    
How Can Birth Trauma & Name Affect An Animal's Behavior

Kristin and her guest will talk about how heart-felt vibration and spoken sound affect animals, how animals feel about their name/s, what vibrations are "held" in a name, and how that can affect their being-ness and behavior...as well as the birth trauma topic. 


Wednesday April 6th/16
1:00pmET

Event Page: http://events.instantteleseminar.com/?eventid=83051985
Event Page Password: Name & Birth Trauma

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Athos, I also meant to add that many cats like to play only in brief spurts anyway, so 5 mins. may be his limit...at least for now! ;) Since he had spent so much time cloistered away in a closet (oh, horrors!), it may take him a few months to de-stress and feel more at ease in playing with you. It could also be an indication that this guy was NEVER really played with, and needs to be introduced to the sheer joys and benefits of good bouts of playtime. It's also possible you just haven't hit upon the one, or few, games/toys he'd really like.

So in the meantime, since I don't know what kinds of games or toys you've been trying out, maybe these will give you some inspiration (the vids are really amusing, too):

https://pethelpful.com/cats/easygamesforcats

Note, though, one should NEVER, EVER leave anything string-like unsupervised for a cat to get at on their own, as many cats will attempt to eat it and can easily end up with a life-threatening intestinal obstruction. And you can also cut holes in bags and boxes, through which fingers or toys can be poked or dragged, to add extra excitement to the game. Or place your guy in a bag or box and drag something like a cloth "tie" underneath the container and his feet. Another favourite I've found is using very long, single blades of grasses like crabgrass, oatgrass, quackgrass, etc. as a "snake" for them to chase. Just be absolutely sure the grass hasn't been sprayed or treated with ANY chemicals. This way, they can actually catch and eat a portion of their "catch," adding to their enjoyment.  

I've introduced and taught tons of games to others' cats -- games that their own people just couldn't be bothered to play with them. And I have always found that although certain games are pretty commonly liked, some cats are very particular and you must closely observe their preferences and tailor the game to what holds their attention the longest, and what they personally prefer within that game, e.g. a s-l-o-w movement, or a fast one, or combo of the two. Do they prefer to be the "hider," or the "seeker" in Hide & Seek? Things like that. Then again, my own attitude has always been, how can I entertain them, rather than the other way around, and they clearly appreciate the sentiment! :lol: 

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Thanks Maylissa. I bought a laser toy, overpriced and no fun) and a feather on a pole that he likes to tickle.

(May also be used to tickle and flirt with people) My vet suggested some ideas.

I missed the webinar. I appreciate the support and help on this forum.

In the words of J.F. Katt," ask not what your cat can do for you, but what you can do for your cat!"

What do you think of the name Maury?

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  • 3 weeks later...

How are you doing with your new cat now? Things any better? I don't think any cat/dog/person can ever replace another, but it might be a comforting transition. My cat came from the humane society and they had named her "Mena". I thought that was a terrible name because it sounds like "mean", but they pointed out to me that she answered to it. I renamed her Lena after Lena Horne because she is black and beautiful-and quite the vocalist. It didn't really make a difference that I could tell. She has since acquired some other nicknames, but the thing she answers fastest to is the word "chicken"

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That cat of mine is an amazing treasure-I really have no idea how I would have gotten through the last three months without her. She is just SO sweet and lovey. She loves to roll in my shoes when I take them off-it's really amazing that my cat just can't get enough of the smell of my feet.Iknow dogs do that, but a cat??? She thinks it's mutual, too. When I lie down at night, she crawls in with me, and sometimes she softly puts one velvet paw on my nose and spreads her toes--so I can get a good whiff. You know, they have scent glands there that they use to mark stuff, although that is generally done with scratching. She never scratches my nose-just offers me a good sniff. Ummm...

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I like the name Maury.  Have you ever watched "My Cat from Hell"?  I've gleaned a lot of knowledge about cats from that show, Jackson is amazing with them.

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I don't think anything can actually end grief.    It will continue, but as time passes, you sorta get used to your current life without whoever your grieving for, but you still get sad here & there.   It just takes time.   I had a cat named Rosie.  She was 14 when my grandfather gave her to me, because he couldn't keep pets where he and his wife were moving to, & he was going to put her down.  I'm like, "Oh no you don't, she's still healthy & alive."    So I had Rosie for 4 more years until her death.    She was a Tortoiseshell cat, and I still miss her & think about her always 24 years later.  In 2000, my wife & I got a 7 week year old Tortoiseshell kitty & 16 years later she's still healthy & alive, just getting old.

 

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When my first cat passed in 1996, it took a very long time, even after I got a new cat....I went to the cemetery twice a year

for about 15 years to place my artificial flowers. Now with more cats gone, I cannot bring myself to go.

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I am so bonded to Lena, I cannot even the horror if something were to happen to her, even though I kind of know in the back of my mind that I will probably outlive her and therefore lose her. But having survived 15 years with NO cats due to allergies and asthma that kept me from having a cat, now that my health and situation has improved to where I can live with a cat--well I would not want to live for a day without one!

Only two things stop me from having a lot more than one cat--Lena would hate that and if I tried having more that one cat, my allergies/asthma might return and then I could be back to having no cat. And so Lena has to tolerate soaking up the love that would be realistically spread among many cats by me, as well as the love that was not allowed to be released to any other cats for those 15 years. She doesn't seem to mind too much.

 

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer

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I have a tortoiseshell that's 20 and she doesn't even come close to thinking she's old!  I'm hoping for many more years with her, she definitely makes this family part of what it is!

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