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10 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

That is an interesting take on things...I have often said that as hard as it is for me to be the surviving spouse, I could not imagine how he would handle being a widower.  

This is something we talked about too.  Steve always said he would stick around for the dogs and then probably pack it in.  These are things we could only try and imagine.  It's not real at the time so we don't know.  He was a functioning alcoholic and I know he turned to that often thru losses like one of our dogs.  I discovered what it really felt like to feel suicidal, not something I expected 2 years into this.  As everyone agrees, until it happens to you, there is no knowing how we will react and how the path of grief will twist and turn.  

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12 hours ago, Cookie said:

.  I had a scary thought the other day that this might be it.  This is what they mean by "you get used to it."  You put it kind of away and enjoy things, laugh, etc., but it's all still there, the deep pain and missing of that person.  I so want that contentedness and carefree life back that I used to have....

I echo you, Cookie. I have many distractions in my life now, work, household, a movie, tv on, walkings. BUT....my everyday life is a plan for distraction from what lays just below the surface. It is all there still and when I stop distracting myself, oh I miss him and I want him back. I don't know if I am avoiding grief with distractions, maybe. I had so much of it. But I feel empty, those activities are time fillers, that's all.

 It's been so long. I feel him so far away from me as never before. I cannot think of 10 20 30 40 50 years without him. It is beyond my brain cells to comprehend that.

 I cannot understand that this is it, how a deep love relationship ends. With him gone and me looking for distractions. I wish I knew, I feel cheated by someone or something and I feel I have been too naive. I cannot find a way to transform these feelings. 

 

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8 hours ago, scba said:

I have many distractions in my life now, work, household, a movie, tv on, walkings. BUT....my everyday life is a plan for distraction from what lays just below the surface. It is all there still and when I stop distracting myself, oh I miss him and I want him back. I don't know if I am avoiding grief with distractions, maybe. I had so much of it. But I feel empty, those activities are time fillers, that's all.

 

Like you Ana, I am trying to find more distractions, and the are working better, hoping that someday these distractions, or others like them, will take on new meaning, new importance, and then become part of the person I will become.  I had never understood the concept of emotions lurking just below the surface until this.  Even as I write this, the day is dawning, I slept well, I'm better than some days, and yet lying there, just underneath are tears that would take but a whisper to bubble forth.

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It striked me too the contradictory emotions you can feel while you grieve, specially after the early months. I thought I was crazy. perhaps this also contributes to the main feeling that I am living two lives. One in the outside, one in the inside, plus whatever shows up from underneath. I don't cry as often as before but I have this awareness that my heart is there ready to show its broken pieces.

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A good analogy Ana.  I don't know how many ways we try to help ourselves, but we keep trying.  A fellow who "left" this forum for some reason (his own feelings) would say one foot in front of the other.  Figuratively, that is what we have to do.  Mindfully, I think dragging that one foot in front of the other is like dragging Thor's hammer attached to our leg.  But, we will have to do it, or standing in one place, digging our hole, we will just be unable to drag ourselves out.  I have done that.  

Generations ago, our parents were taught self sufficiency because there were so many kids, they had to be self sufficient.  Now we think "OMG, I have lost my reason for living" and what is life without that reason?  Finding ourselves is something hard to do.  When you are 74-years-old you wonder what is there left to find.  Our bodies are weak, Thor's hammer is hard to drag along.  That hole we dug conveniently becomes a grave.........if we let it.  The will to live is greatly diminished, but still we have to.

I think it was mostly a myth, but after the Crimean War, I think Florence Nightingale found herself not needed like she was during the war.  I'm going from memory (which is  very faulty), but the "lady with the light" did not have anyone else to take care of.  In her late 20's or early 30's she lost her reason for living so she took to her bed.  And she did die, but I think she was in her 90's when she died.  

Our reason for living is gone, but I notice that some are finding new reasons for living.  I applaud them.  My personal self would like to take to my bed.  I've earned it, but for some stupid reason I lived and Billy didn't.  I should have gone first.  Is it just the world of coincidences that I was left or was there a reason?  I have reasons, I hope I am of some help or I am just ready to pull up the covers.

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I am feeling a little lost today.  I have nothing to do, no where to go.  In the past I would have looked at this as a wonderful thing, a day to spend with Christine, or just enjoy my time.  Now I don't know what to do.  The pleasures of the past all seem so empty without her, and the idea of starting something new that she isn't a part of is a bit frightening.

I am contemplating spending the day in celebration of her life.  Looking through old photos of happy times, and playing some of the CD's from her collection.  I know that would bring tears, but smiles as well.  The clock I got her for Christmas is ticking away the minutes hanging on the wall.  This anxiety of needing to do something to fill the void isn't healthy.  I will have to find a way to be comfortable in the minutes that have no purpose again.  Not every minute will have a purpose, but simply letting them pass when all I wish is that she had more seems wasteful.  One of our great pleasures was that we could sit, doing nothing near one another, and still be happy and content.  We didn't feel the need to fill the void, because we were there to fill it for one another, even if just with our presence.

I read through some of my old posts, here and elsewhere.  The motivation I found isn't gone, it will return to me.  It is just odd that today I am not distraught, wracked with grief, but neither am I positive and pushing forward, finding the will and means to heal and improve.  Today I am just bored, with a slight ache in my heart that is asking me to do something with it, either plunge headlong into it to grapple with the emotions, or fill it with new hope and reminders of my love.

Stuck, in limbo, with neither the energy to move forward, nor look fondly, but with melancholy, to the past.  The cats are having a wonderful time with it, getting more attention than they have been, so I guess there are some good things coming out of the nothing I perceive.  I think I will go for a walk, Christine always wanted us to exercise more.  Maybe that will help raise my energy level.  But I almost don't want to, at some point the long slow moments will have to be dealt with as well, or I will always be running away from them.  Neither hurting nor healing at the moment, and trying to find the comfort in that as well,

Herc

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Herc -

For myself, I found, and still find, solace in my walks/hikes.  It is a place where I can let my mind loose and embrace whatever it decides to throw at me.  I plug in the headphones and wander aimlessly, sometimes for hours.  Again for myself that is where I really find comfort.  Home seems empty.  Early on (where you are now) I want to be around others and would force myself to get out and socialize but then spend the whole time wishing I were somewhere else where I could be alone.  

Celebrating Christine sounds cathartic.  For a very long time, I got into a routine where I would spend an hour in the morning looking at letters, photos, memories of our thirty-seven years together.  I would cry and laugh and miss her so much.  Then in the evening I would spend time looking at my life today and trying to find things that I was truly grateful for because, in spite of the pain and misery, I still have so many wonderful things in my life and I was finding that it was too easy to focus on what I lost and ignore what I have.  For me, this helped.

But then you seem to be coping far better than I ever dreamed I could.

Brad

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Brad,

Thanks for the response and suggestions.  I went on a walk for a bit, trying to just remain in the moment.  It was just around our condos and the surrounding bike paths.  There were a lot of memories the various places brought up.  Picnics, cookouts, searching for our pets together when they got out.  So I got dragged into the past a bit rather than staying centered, but that is going to happen as well.  A couple of tears and smiles later I wandered back home, not entirely successful in remaining in the present, but not afraid to give it a shot.

I've always been a private person, so I haven't been forcing myself to be around others.  There have been a lot of offers of course, old friends wanting to catch up and get dinner and the such.  I've taken a few up on it already and will eventually get to all of them, but don't really feel the need to either rush into the get togethers or avoid them.

I'm definitely focusing on what I have, even when it involves what I lost.  We built a beautiful life together, and though she is no longer here to share it, except in my heart, I have the opportunity and the bittersweet obligation to make the most of it.  Hopefully she is watching, or at some point I will be able to share the experience with her, and if not then at least I will be happy at times which I am sure she would want.

I managed to stay in the moment long enough to know I don't have to fear it.  Now I'm going to give something productive a try for a bit.  I think I'm going to make a batch of hot sauce.  I have a new recipe I want to try out, and some people at work have been asking for a bottle or two.

Regarding the coping, I'm putting in a lot of work on it, as we all do of course.  It's obviously helping, and I tend to share the positives because I think they help the most, but there are some very low moments as well.  I share those too, when I can't find a way through them on my own.  It always helps being heard.  Thanks for listening,

Herc

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Well, I went for a great hike today with a friend.  It was wonderful and I'm tired, but I came home and miss him as much as ever.  I want to come home and feel comfortable and at peace.  I also have a lot of good things in my life, but it's like I'm living two lives, one where I function and enjoy some things, the other where grief is as present as ever....Cookie

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On ‎03‎/‎03‎/‎2017 at 10:39 PM, Gwenivere said:

This is something we talked about too.  Steve always said he would stick around for the dogs and then probably pack it in.  These are things we could only try and imagine.  It's not real at the time so we don't know.  He was a functioning alcoholic and I know he turned to that often thru losses like one of our dogs.  I discovered what it really felt like to feel suicidal, not something I expected 2 years into this.  As everyone agrees, until it happens to you, there is no knowing how we will react and how the path of grief will twist and turn.  

At 21 months, I have felt times like that myself Gwenivere.  Now so far out, I thought it would be different.  I guess the longer you are without the person, the harder it gets to put up with...just want him back.  Then, I get up and go through the motions again.....Cookie

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19 hours ago, Cookie said:

 I also have a lot of good things in my life, but it's like I'm living two lives, one where I function and enjoy some things, the other where grief is as present as ever....Cookie

 
 

I've struggled with this dichotomy this weekend.  Overall things are better than they have been in the past but I still need to stop looking at the grieving times as setbacks or failures.  As I've mentioned previously, I have periods where I feel as if I am gaining a handle on things.  I've gone weeks at times without tears; then I'll have days like yesterday and today where the skies are gray and so am I.  The funk persists and then a trigger: a song, a storyline in a novel, an article, a movie scene; and suddenly I find myself sobbing like I haven't done in a month or more.  Cognitively, I know this is grief; the nature of the beast, but then the heart kicks in and I feel like it's a setback, a failure.  It is so hard to reorient one's thought processes to accommodate the irrational.  

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1 hour ago, Brad said:

I've struggled with this dichotomy this weekend.  Overall things a better than they have been in the past but I still need to stop looking at the grieving times as setbacks or failures.  As I've mentioned previously, I have periods where I feel as if I am gaining a handle on things.  I've gone weeks at times without tears; then I'll have days like yesterday and today where the skies are gray and so am I.  The funk persists and then a trigger: a song, a storyline in a novel, an article, a movie scene; and suddenly I find myself sobbing like I haven't done in a month or more.  Cognitively, I know this is grief; the nature of the beast, but then the heart kicks in and I feel like it's a setback, a failure.  It is so hard to reorient one's thought processes to accommodate the irrational.  

Brad,

I saw a great video yesterday and I will try and see if I can find it again on you tube.  It talks about how men and women process grief.  The gist of it is that we both have the same feelings, thoughts, and emotions but that most men are not taught to be attuned and in touch with them.  Emotions are not perceived masculine but rather weak.  Grief bring all of those out and we either, stuff them back down, drown them with addictive behavior or we just don't know what to do with them.

Men tend to not trust their emotions and ignore or suppress them.  sensitive men are considered to be gay or just weird.  

I have gone through several periods like "It feels like I'm living in two different worlds", "Doing time ", "being punished",  Dragging through time", etc...  

My moods and feelings are affected by health, sleep, food, alcohol, exercising, vitamins, taking care of myself, Gratitude list, prayer, thankfulness, expectations, weather, etc....

The distance from the head to the heart is what drives my thoughts and feelings.  I do best when I can just focus on now without too much internal expectations of what I need in order to be happy or content.  It is a continuing work in progress.  - Shalom 

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16 hours ago, Brad said:

I've struggled with this dichotomy this weekend.  Overall things are better than they have been in the past but I still need to stop looking at the grieving times as setbacks or failures.  As I've mentioned previously, I have periods where I feel as if I am gaining a handle on things.  I've gone weeks at times without tears; then I'll have days like yesterday and today where the skies are gray and so am I.  The funk persists and then a trigger: a song, a storyline in a novel, an article, a movie scene; and suddenly I find myself sobbing like I haven't done in a month or more.  Cognitively, I know this is grief; the nature of the beast, but then the heart kicks in and I feel like it's a setback, a failure.  It is so hard to reorient one's thought processes to accommodate the irrational.  

Brad:  You are describing exactly what is happening to me...and I do think some of the problem that I see it as a failure or setback.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  I will also go long periods without crying and then start missing him so much, which makes me cry.  I don't feel refreshed after I cry, usually just sad and it takes me a while to get over that.  Maybe that is why I fight crying so much.  I know, we must work through this and be grateful for the good times, love and laughter.  I just wanted to say thanks for the validation; thanks to everyone for that.  A man at yoga class said to me, "How long has it been?" and I said 21 months, and he said, "Oh, just think of the blessing of having had such a long and good marriage; you are so blessed."  Yes, I know; I have been so blessed; I think that is why it is so horribly hard now; I'm selfish; I want the blessing to continue....good wishes to all, Cookie

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15 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Brad,

I saw a great video yesterday and I will try and see if I can find it again on you tube.  It talks about how men and women process grief.  The gist of it is that we both have the same feelings, thoughts, and emotions but that most men are not taught to be attuned and in touch with them.  Emotions are not perceived masculine but rather weak.  Grief bring all of those out and we either, stuff them back down, drown them with addictive behavior or we just don't know what to do with them.

Men tend to not trust their emotions and ignore or suppress them.  sensitive men are considered to be gay or just weird.  

I have gone through several periods like "It feels like I'm living in two different worlds", "Doing time ", "being punished",  Dragging through time", etc...  

My moods and feelings are affected by health, sleep, food, alcohol, exercising, vitamins, taking care of myself, Gratitude list, prayer, thankfulness, expectations, weather, etc....

The distance from the head to the heart is what drives my thoughts and feelings.  I do best when I can just focus on now without too much internal expectations of what I need in order to be happy or content.  It is a continuing work in progress.  - Shalom 

Actually George, I have to say that I feel more in tune with men's behavior.  I come from a family where showing your emotions is not considered a good thing; there is much impatience with it, so I am constantly pushing it away and feeling bad about feeling it.  My sister said to me, "remember that Polish gypsy blood you have in you and live up to it.  We come from strong stock."  I guessed I missed out....I have gotten so much flak for still being unsteady about losing John, like there must be something wrong with me and that is as a woman.  So, I kind have developed two people...the one everyone thinks is doing so well and the one who still feels in turmoil, said, lost and wondering how I can go on.  It becomes a strange existence....hoping to integrate the two at some time....fondly, Cookie

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Gin, Cookie, here is a direct quote from a friend, all my life, the one who told me i would find myself now.  "the girl I remember was a cute little thing. She had fun and made other people laugh and be happy. Smiling as some of our antics. Your personality was so wonderful."  Okay, I used to know that girl too.  Sorry folks "Alice does not live here anymore."  You know what I say?  That girl left when Billy left.  I sorta miss her at times, but I don't think she is coming back.  Maybe even if I had been 50.  But, I got to keep him so long, I prefer that to good time Charlie.  I'm okay.

You know, after our kids got grown we still felt guilty going out to eat without them.  We were just that type of people.  I have not reached the point yet where I can have fun without him.  

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On 3/5/2017 at 6:28 PM, Brad said:

I still need to stop looking at the grieving times as setbacks or failures.

Very astute!

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16 hours ago, Marg M said:

"the girl I remember was a cute little thing. She had fun and made other people laugh and be happy. Smiling as some of our antics. Your personality was so wonderful."  Okay, I used to know that girl too.  Sorry folks "Alice does not live here anymore."  You know what I say?  That girl left when Billy left.

You may think she's gone, but I've seen glimpses of her.  My hope is she'll be back more and more.  I know, we're never the same again, but our old personality still exists inside us...somewhere.

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I totally agree, Kay.  Our basic personality is still there (likes and dislikes for food, colors, morals, etc), but we are now new people too.  I have told people that the Gwen they knew will never be back.  I'm me, but a very, very different me and will be til my time is done.

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Gwen you are so right about who we were. We can never have the old "us" back. We were people who moved around with someone else who affected how we saw and enjoyed life.  Their input was pretty powerful wasn't it? I have said before that I am not the same any longer but I am still me. Me is the person who re-invents himself constantly as I go through life. I am still influenced by Kathy because I see things a bit through her eyes. I like to think that I take the best of her and apply it to my decisions but with those decisions I am forced to make them on my own. I may be influenced but they are still a new me's decision.. I am now in a new relationship that also influences me. I cannot however deny who I have become over these last six years. What it does do though is allow me to explore new adventures and even though I would be having those new adventures alone had that been the case, I still would be living a different life. Now with that life I honor Kathy by not giving up. That would be the last thing she would want for me.

The hardest part of grieving is to find the desire to continue living but life is short and we never will have this time again. If I am an average male I figure I have maybe fifteen years left on this planet. Those years go fast so I say seize the day. There will be something waiting on the other side but I intend to use this body while I still have it.

I believe that Kathy can see things through my eyes. If that is true then the last three years have been better for her as well as I.

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I am the same person, but that person has been irrevocably altered by this experience.  It is a very painful experience, but the pain is not what has altered me.  The love is what created the change.  At the moment my emotions can overwhelm me, and the frequency which I am confronted with those emotions is daily, hourly in some cases.

As I go through this journey, I will (hopefully) learn how to prevent those emotions from becoming overwhelming.  They will still be there, but I will have more experience dealing with them.  The frequency with which I feel those deep emotions will also lessen with time.

The way that I have completely changed though isn't dependent upon them, my reactions to them, or the depth or frequency of those emotions.  The change came gradually through building a life with Christine.  Sharing who I was, and allowing her to share with me.  Her passing clarified that change, and gave me the opportunity to accept and understand it.

I am not the same person I was.  I am a little wiser, and a lot sadder.  The sadness may, and probably will fade with time, but will always be a part of me.  And for that I am grateful, it will temper me and make me a better person.  I wish I could have shared that man with Christine.  But in a way I did, for she helped forge him, and I hope I can share his experiences with her when I take the next great adventure many years from now.

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25 minutes ago, Herc said:

 

I am not the same person I was.  I am a little wiser, and a lot sadder.  The sadness may, and probably will fade with time, but will always be a part of me.  

I echo this

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3 hours ago, Herc said:

I am not the same person I was.  I am a little wiser, and a lot sadder.  The sadness may, and probably will fade with time, but will always be a part of me.  And for that I am grateful, it will temper me and make me a better person.  I wish I could have shared that man with Christine.  But in a way I did, for she helped forge him...

Herc, you're absolutely right. We aren't the same person. We were were hit with an atom bomb that emotionally changed who we are. Our smiles will never again be quite as broad. Our optimism is forever tempered with the pain of our loss. Let's face it, our entire outlook on life is completely different.

You hit the nail on the head when you said Christine helped forge who you have become. We were so blessed to have found that one person that made our lives more livable. How blessed we were to find someone who loved us and who we loved back so deeply, heart and soul.

And it's that deep love and the loss of our every day interaction with our soul mate that makes life without them so nearly unbearable. We know that the best part of our life is behind us and our future is a question mark. 

This life of grief is not for the meek. But still, we're here and we have a life to live. 

I try to live mine with my Tammy living on inside me. She still motivates me from time to time and "tells me" to push forward. I have to live my life with the hope that someday, Tammy and I will be reunited. Without that sense of hope, I don't know if I could even function in this new world. 

Mitch

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On ‎03‎/‎06‎/‎2017 at 4:57 PM, Marg M said:

Gin, Cookie, here is a direct quote from a friend, all my life, the one who told me i would find myself now.  "the girl I remember was a cute little thing. She had fun and made other people laugh and be happy. Smiling as some of our antics. Your personality was so wonderful."  Okay, I used to know that girl too.  Sorry folks "Alice does not live here anymore."  You know what I say?  That girl left when Billy left.  I sorta miss her at times, but I don't think she is coming back.  Maybe even if I had been 50.  But, I got to keep him so long, I prefer that to good time Charlie.  I'm okay.

You know, after our kids got grown we still felt guilty going out to eat without them.  We were just that type of people.  I have not reached the point yet where I can have fun without him.  

Marg:  I know what you mean.  I could see where that comment about who you used to be could make you sad.  It probably would me.  My daughter actually said a few months after my husband died that she wanted her strong mother back.  That hurt a lot, hurt because I felt like something was taken from me against my will and left me floundering and I still don't feel like I'm getting that part of me back.  I don't think my daughter meant it to hurt; she was hurt herself and truthfully wanted me to be who I was.  This all seems so mean....like what did we do to deserve this.  Saw another clip from Celion Dion (who actually I love) with her being so strong and saying "the show must go on."  I wonder if she knows how hard that is for another widow who is not doing so well to hear.  I am happy she is so strong; just wish I was too.....

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