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Reflecting back on the past nearly twenty months I realize there has been so much I did not anticipate and so much I was so unprepared for.  I always knew that when Deedo died the pain of her death would be devastating.  I knew my life, as I knew it, would be irretrievably changed.  But there has been so many changes I never saw coming.  There are things about my personality that I am proud of.  Amongst those would include my fierce independence, my love for adventure and travel, my ability to accept life as it happens without skipping a beat; that's until recently.  Now I find myself constantly second-guessing myself.  It seems as if everything I plan I soon regret making those plans.  I need to force myself to follow through.  It matters not how grandiose or minute the plans are; I struggle.  Last weekend I planned a hike and a musical.  The closer the weekend came the more I tried to find excuses to just stay on the mountain.  I went and had a wonderful time; great entertainment, great company; exactly what I needed and exactly what I knew it would be; but still the anxiety.  Last Fall I booked a "trip of a lifetime".  The old me would have driven everyone nuts with excitement.  Now once again, the closer it gets the higher the anxiety and the more I wish I were staying home.  Now my mantra is "What was I thinking?"  It's no secret I've struggled with sleep since Deedo died but I really had a good handle on it; until the past week.  I'm sure it's the anxiety that is waking me up and keeping me awake to the point I'm exhausted.  Now I'm not concerned about jet lag, now I concerned about sleeping at all.  This morning, at one-thirty, I was wide awake, booking connecting passes after having slept three hours.  Now, nearly fifteen hours later, I'm exhausted but cannot sleep.  I haven't had a nap in nearly twenty months.  For me that's major.  I was always one who could nap anytime, anywhere.

I so wish there were a way to prepare for this madness, this insanity, this despair, this loneliness; again that damn dichotomy of distance between the head and the heart.  I know that I will have an adventure, the kind I will treasure.  It is too late to back out now, but it is such a struggle to fake excitement.

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Oh Brad!  I don't know what it is, but several of my friends (over 60) have sleep issues, myself included.  It seems like I'll go along fine for a while and then all of a sudden I'm getting 3-4 hours per night.  I go to sleep okay but then wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep.  I "think" too much, it's my anxiety.  My medicine is so low dose maybe TOO low dose, it doesn't seem to help my nighttime "can't-turn-the thinking-off" problems.  You might consider a sleeping pill.  I have some but take the lowest dosage and one pill instead of two, I save two for when I'm super desperate, and unfortunately it only affords me four hours sleep before I wake up.  :angry2:  I don't like to take something in the middle of the night because I worry it'll leave me feeling groggy the next morning and it takes so long to take affect.  It's a struggle!  Last night I slept 8 1/2 hours, it was wonderful, but I never know how it's going to go.  I hope you get some relief soon.

I should add I rarely take the sleeping pills, but it might be worth discussing with your doctor.  Mine is Trazodone and since I take it infrequently and the lowest dose, I don't have to worry about addiction or dependence.  My daughter swears by Melatonin, and some lavender.

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15 hours ago, Brad said:

Reflecting back on the past nearly twenty months I realize there has been so much I did not anticipate and so much I was so unprepared for.  I always knew that when Deedo died the pain of her death would be devastating.  I knew my life, as I knew it, would be irretrievably changed.  But there has been so many changes I never saw coming.  There are things about my personality that I am proud of.  Amongst those would include my fierce independence, my love for adventure and travel, my ability to accept life as it happens without skipping a beat; that's until recently.  Now I find myself constantly second-guessing myself.  It seems as if everything I plan I soon regret making those plans.  I need to force myself to follow through.  It matters not how grandiose or minute the plans are; I struggle.

I so wish there were a way to prepare for this madness, this insanity, this despair, this loneliness; again that damn dichotomy of distance between the head and the heart.  I know that I will have an adventure, the kind I will treasure.  It is too late to back out now, but it is such a struggle to fake excitement.

Brad

I'm at twenty months and 5 days and you so much described my life right now.  I too, am constantly 2nd guessing myself on decisions I'm having to make and I didn't have that problem the first year or so.  The only thing I can think of is the longer that we are without our loves and not hearing their influence and strength, it makes it more difficult to make decisions.  I'm not really sure even if there was a way to prepare for this grief madness, it would make it any easier. 

I know you will have a great time on your trip and the excitement will come, but don't worry or struggle with trying to make the excitement come now, I think it will only make your anxiety worse and you don't need that (I know easier said than done!).  Sending you hugs

Joyce

 

 

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Kayc -

Like you, my issue is typically not getting to sleep, although occasionally it is.  Like you, my issue is staying asleep.  Last night I feel asleep at nine and woke up at 10:30, drifted off for thirty minutes and then was awake for an hour, drifted for ninety minutes and was awake, drifted again woke up at four, read for a while, drifted again and was up at 5:30.  Add it all up and it isn't a bad amount of sleep but very little was deep sleep, mostly REM and crazy, meaningless dreams.  I do have Lunesta but prefer to take that after several nights like this; probably tonight.  I also will use Lorazepam but not more than once or twice a month.  Melatonin has not worked well for me and I don't like using PM meds because of their possible link with dementia.  I actually went several weeks where I'd sleep for five to six hours without waking and for me that is ample.  

 

Joyce,

Thank you.  For me, the issue isn't as much making decisions but more of "buyers remorse" after the decision is made.  I am learning it is critical for me to put myself in a position that makes it difficult, in not impossible, to back out because I do, initially, have confidence; it's just so tempting to stay put.  And yes, once I am there I know I will be so enthralled with the churches, museums, concerts and operas I will be very happy I went.

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The issue of sleep from you all has me terrified.  Another night like last night and I have no idea what I will do.  I have my sleeping potion.  When they gave me clonidine for blood pressure years ago, it would make me very sleepy.  So, I asked could I take it at night.  I used to take the Tylenol PM, as did Billy, and for years they have helped.  Sometimes just reading until I got sleepy would help, but that was when Billy was sleeping beside me.  Suddenly, nighttime became my enemy.  No sleep at all if I do not take something.  And believe me when I say this, I do not want my mind to race.  So, I take my clonidine and a Xanax.  I sleep.  Without it, I am on my Kindle at 2:00 a.m. or 4:00 a.m., like this morning.  

And, I tell myself that at my age many people use a crutch to walk.  I do not want to try to sleep without my crutch.  I am not ready for it.  I do not want to question how weak a person I am for using a crutch, it works, I don't care what people think as long as it works.  Maybe we all have a problem with sleep now.  Or maybe it is like that Walmart checker told her husband "if you were on your feet working 16 hours a day you could sleep too."  I personally do not want to work again, I put in my time.  So many battles to fight, nice if there is one we will not fight.  I do not deny being a coward about some things.

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All of you:  It is so comforting to read your posts because so many of the things said I can relate to.  Sometimes I feel like I am the only one.  It will be 2 years for me in June, and sometimes it seems harder in ways.  The sleeping thing has been difficult, especially the waking up off and on all night.  I have tried lorazepam, but that doesn't keep me asleep.  Melatonin did not work for me either.  I tried some of John's old promethazine, and it does work some.  It is several years old, so I was going to talk to my doctor about it.  Also, I've heard trazodone works for sleep and you don't have to take it regularly like usual antidepressants.  Anyway, it is very disconcerting to be waking up all night.  I did have a couple of years before John died of waking up a lot at night with him because he was having so much trouble swallowing and breathing.  I wondered if I might have conditioned myself to do that. 

Brad, I think your trip sounds wonderful.  You will have a good time I am sure.  I also have trouble making plans and feel so conflicted about everything these days, and it is worse than the first year.  I am thinking that the first year was still numbing and now it is all settling in for real. 

I keep hiking, doing yoga, going to Ubuntu (a music group), etc., but think it might be a while before things become balanced again, if ever.  Good wishes to all of you....Cookie

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1 minute ago, Marg M said:

The issue of sleep from you all has me terrified.  Another night like last night and I have no idea what I will do.  I have my sleeping potion.  When they gave me clonidine for blood pressure years ago, it would make me very sleepy.  So, I asked could I take it at night.  I used to take the Tylenol PM, as did Billy, and for years they have helped.  Sometimes just reading until I got sleepy would help, but that was when Billy was sleeping beside me.  Suddenly, nighttime became my enemy.  No sleep at all if I do not take something.  And believe me when I say this, I do not want my mind to race.  So, I take my clonidine and a Xanax.  I sleep.  Without it, I am on my Kindle at 2:00 a.m. or 4:00 a.m., like this morning.  

And, I tell myself that at my age many people use a crutch to walk.  I do not want to try to sleep without my crutch.  I am not ready for it.  I do not want to question how weak a person I am for using a crutch, it works, I don't care what people think as long as it works.  Maybe we all have a problem with sleep now.  Or maybe it is like that Walmart checker told her husband "if you were on your feet working 16 hours a day you could sleep too."  I personally do not want to work again, I put in my time.  So many battles to fight, nice if there is one we will not fight.  I do not deny being a coward about some things.

Marg:  I agree with you but still have that feeling that I'm doing something wrong if I use something to sleep.  I will drink a glass of wine in the evening and then sometimes take a lorazepam, which helps a lot.  I know, they say you're not supposed to do that, but like you I need something, anything to sleep once in a while.  Does anyone know about trazodone.  I know it's a really old antidepressant but they use it to help people sleep it sounds like.  Boy, this is a mess sometimes.....

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20 hours ago, Brad said:

Reflecting back on the past nearly twenty months I realize there has been so much I did not anticipate and so much I was so unprepared for.

Before I read what Marty gave us on coping with sleeplessness in grief, I have got to post this.  I have to because otherwise I will forget. Brad, I think I know where your coming from about being anxious and dreading your trip all at once.  You are going to see things that physically your mate will not see standing beside you. 

I drove "around the back way from Walmart/country way" and the Azalea's, Wisteria, Dogwoods, all the flowering trees, Daffodils and all the plants are blooming.  It is very pretty, I can appreciate the loveliness of all the trees and plants.  But, if Billy was beside me, they would be outstandingly beautiful.  The fact that they are not outstandingly beautiful is lost on me because he cannot stand beside me or sit beside me and see it too.  And somehow, I think you are dreading seeing things that she is not with you to see.  

They did not let me keep my amateur psychologist diploma for some reason.  Now, I will read what a real professional says that might help me with my sleeplessness (hey, nothing is gonna make me give up my potion). After a night like last night though, I won't have to worry about it.   

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I've used the tips in the article for the past year.  No coffee past noon, a ton of meditation apps dealing with sleep, no alcohol (doctors won't let me - even as I travel Italy and France :() I do just about everything on the list and for the most part, it works; and then I hit spells like this one.  

While I was writing this WebMD just posted a slideshow on foods that effect drugs and I learned dark chocolate can cancel the effects of sleep medications: "Dark chocolate, in particular, can weaken the effects of drugs meant to calm you down or make you sleep, like zolpidem tartrate (Ambien). It also can boost the power of some stimulant drugs, like methylphenidate (Ritalin). And if you take an MAO inhibitor, used to treat depression, it can make your blood pressure dangerously high".  

But I can't blame dark chocolate although I wish I could.  Oh well, this too will pass.  The drug that works best for me is Remeron but then I sleep eight to nine hours a night and eat too much.  I don't like that.  I may need to do a short course just to get back to not waking up every sixty to ninety minutes.

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21 hours ago, Cookie said:

Does anyone know about trazodone.  I know it's a really old antidepressant but they use it to help people sleep it sounds like.

They use it in higher doses to treat depression, low dose for sleep.  I've used the lowest dose for sleep...if I take two it does better than taking one but I'm leery of taking two.  Mine is expired, need to get a fresh supply next time I see the doctor.  It doesn't usually keep me asleep all night, maybe five hours, but that beats the three hours I might have without it.  I've tried all of the other stuff, meditations, music, etc but my problem isn't GOING to sleep, it's STAYING asleep.  I have anxiety and it likes to act up in the night!

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Kayc:  That is exactly what I have trouble with, staying asleep and always waking up with anxiety.  It's getting so tiring after 21 months and I wonder if it will ever get better.  I feel like it would help so much if I could just sleep well at night....as I'm sure you do to.  I am going to ask about the trazodone....Thanks, Cookie

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18 hours ago, Brad said:

I've used the tips in the article for the past year.  No coffee past noon, a ton of meditation apps dealing with sleep, no alcohol (doctors won't let me - even as I travel Italy and France :() I do just about everything on the list and for the most part, it works; and then I hit spells like this one.  

While I was writing this WebMD just posted a slideshow on foods that effect drugs and I learned dark chocolate can cancel the effects of sleep medications: "Dark chocolate, in particular, can weaken the effects of drugs meant to calm you down or make you sleep, like zolpidem tartrate (Ambien). It also can boost the power of some stimulant drugs, like methylphenidate (Ritalin). And if you take an MAO inhibitor, used to treat depression, it can make your blood pressure dangerously high".  

But I can't blame dark chocolate although I wish I could.  Oh well, this too will pass.  The drug that works best for me is Remeron but then I sleep eight to nine hours a night and eat too much.  I don't like that.  I may need to do a short course just to get back to not waking up every sixty to ninety minutes.

Oh, traveling Italy and France without wine(!)......I think they have some really good ones over there.  I'm sure you'll have a great time anyway.  Did you ever sleepwalk with Ambien?  That makes me a little nervous.  I have the apps to help you sleep and they put me to sleep but don't keep me there.  I can see that a lot of people are having the same problem with sleep that I am....I feel for all of you, but get a little comfort knowing I am not alone in this...(sorry)

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I haven't been on Ambien but I have used Lunesta.  Last summer I took it nightly for two months.  Fought with my insurance company over it.  I was on two mgs a night and wanted to experiment with cutting back to one mg a night.  Insurance would pay for thirty 2mg or thirty 1mg but not sixty 1mg.  My question was what's the difference?  I took lorazepam last night and did better.  I was still awake from 2:20 to 3:40 but then drifted back off until 6:30 so six and a half hours total- I can be happy with that.  Just hate taking meds for it.  

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Brad:  I hate taking meds too but I am getting over that I guess.  Yes, insurance companies don't make any sense usually.  I thought I would talk to my doctor about something else to try....did I mention that I tried some of John's promethazine, which is an antinausea medication, and it seemed to help, but I don't know if they will prescribe it for sleep.  Anyway, back to the drawing board.  If you find anything wonderful, let me and all of us know.....Cookie

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I've found three meds that work. 

Lorazepam - for me works best but can be habit forming over long term use.  I was prescribed this long before Deedo got sick.  The s same issue back then as now: I'd sleep from 10:30 to 2 and then be wide awake.  By 5 when I should be getting up I was crashing.  

Lunesta - specifically for sleep and does not interfere with my other meds but my experience is that it is not as effective for uninterrupted sleep.  This is what I'm taking to Europe.  Concerned because I have a thirty day supply and will be gone for forty-five.

Remeron - is an antidepressant that has two side effects: if taken at night it promotes sleep and it increases appetite.  This was prescribed for me early on when I couldn't eat or sleep.  For me, it was perfect for the first six months.  I mentioned earlier that this works a little too well for me.  On it, I sleep a minimum of eight hours and it was not unusual to get ten hours.  A couple of times I was close to eleven hours of sleep.  I don't like sleeping that much.

I probably ought to give melatonin another try.  Back when I tried it was early on in my grief and nothing was working.

Best of luck Cookie, I hope you find something that helps.  I hate those wee hours where you are too wide awake to try to sleep but fear rising, lest it becomes routine.

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Brad, when I was typing the discharge notes on people who had been in the hospital, I noticed that the older ones most always got the Remeron.  In my way of thinking that meant that if the Remeron was safe for an older person, it would be okay for a younger one also.  But you are right, it does increase their appetite, which was one of the reasons it was given.  

I tried the Ambien.  This was right after Billy passed away.  That stuff worked me like an alarm clock. I would get two hours sleep and then be wide awake.  So, and at the time I was not worried if taking more "did me in," I would take another.  I would get six hours sleep on three Ambien's.  I had heard all the weird stories.  It did not hurt my stomach, but it did not keep me asleep.  As an addictive drug, I could do without it.  Did not really work.

I tried the trazodone/Desyrel when I had cancer.  It was to help me sleep and as an antidepressant.  It made me sleep.  Gave me a stuffy nose, which is a side effect, but did no other harm, and I slept.  They tried it this time and I guess the shape my "innards" were in, it just made me sick.  So I cannot take it.

My clonidine makes me sleepy.  Add the Xanax and I get 7-8 hours sleep and I cannot ask for more than that.

I have the meditation apps on my Kindle and go to sleep at night sometimes listening to them.  I'm afraid the 70's legal drug scene put a metal barrier over my brain.  Perhaps I should give them the chance without my potion.  By the time I get to the breathing cycle, I'm gone.  

We have enough to fight, fighting for sleep is not worth it if I can help it.  

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In looking back to when George died, I wish I'd accepted help for the sleep.  Sleep is so important!

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On 3/17/2017 at 1:38 PM, Brad said:

I haven't been on Ambien but I have used Lunesta.  Last summer I took it nightly for two months.  Fought with my insurance company over it.  I was on two mgs a night and wanted to experiment with cutting back to one mg a night.  Insurance would pay for thirty 2mg or thirty 1mg but not sixty 1mg.  My question was what's the difference?  I took lorazepam last night and did better.  I was still awake from 2:20 to 3:40 but then drifted back off until 6:30 so six and a half hours total- I can be happy with that.  Just hate taking meds for it.  

I don't like taking meds either. Initially, I was prescribed Ativan.  It is not a sleep aid but rather calms the mind so I could sleep.  Now I use therapeutic grade essential  Lavender oil. One drop right under my nose just before i go to sleep.  you can also get a diffuser for the room you are sleeping in. . I like the Rose oil too as it is both calming and improves my mood. I hope it works for you. I found them on Amazon. - Shalom

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Will look for them on Amazon.  (Billy's favorite place to shop).  My granddaughter, son and daughter all have trouble with sleep.  In fact, at 8:00 p.m. tonight, Scott goes into the VA Sleep Lab.  His snoring has always been a foghorn type of snore.  It actually comforted me when he was on the drugs for the hep-C, at least I knew he was alive, but the problems with sleep apnea need to be corrected or he might not wake up period.  Going into the Navy Submarine program was the smartest thing he ever did.  Interested to know how this comes out.  He may be fitted with a C-PAP to help.  Know he won't like that.  

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I used to snore like a freight train and would wake myself up.  The first night I used a CPAP I felt like I was 10 years younger because I finally got a good nights sleep.  It helps me when I get a good nights sleep.That depends on many things... like me going to bed at a regular time to allow my body to get enough rest.  - Shalom

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I'm hoping they can help.  It really makes his girlfriend (been together nearly 10 years) put ear buds in her ears to drown out the noise.  He is really loud..  I used to type the polysomnograms and they were so boring it was like watching paint dry.  Can you imagine all these people who do all these jobs we just cannot understand anyone wanting to do, but where would we be without them.  So glad it helped George.  I am afraid he just might quit breathing with the sleep apnea and not wake up.  So is his friend.  He does quit breathing for seconds sometimes.  

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The weather here is getting better, but I can not get excited about it.  It is still dark and gloomy around me.  All the tv weather people seem so happy and think everyone feels the same.  I could care less.  What difference does it make when you are alone and really do not care to go anywhere?  I wish I could be happy about anything.  It just isn't happening.  I am grateful that I do not have to shovel.  I think I need to get knee shots again.  Sorry, I just seem to be grumpy about life right now.

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1 hour ago, Gin said:

Sorry, I just seem to be grumpy about life right now.

 

No apologies necessary my friend.  You have every reason to be grumpy and what better place to vent but here.  We all have just cause for being grumpy.  

For me, it seems, at times, as though I am seeing life through some somber tinted lens.  That happened yesterday as I headed out on my hike.  It was a bright, sunny, warm day and yet there was a pall that seemed to follow me.  Of course, once I was deep in the pines the gloom lifted; but then that's why I hike.

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