Reflections and musings

[KATPILOT]

Brad I'm glad you did it. I was thinking the other day about how my life has changed so much over the last six years that included a lot of things that were not Kathy's favorite ideas but they were and are mine. When you love someone and spend your life with them you tend to give up some of your own desires but then so did Deedo and so did Kathy. Life is a compromise when you live together as one. We do things they want and they do things we want. I watched a lot of Dancing With The Stars and American idol but Kathy watched a lot of Star Trek too. We did those things out of love but when you are alone you find yourself eventually doing the things you like just because you can.  There is a bit of an empty feeling in it though. At least it feels that way for me. Now I am embarking on a new adventure and I can compromise in my future once again. Strangely I rather welcome it for I don't see myself enjoying a life enjoying my stuff alone. I look forward to sharing them with my best friend. I look forward to the compromise again. We are all different but I think I belong in that environment.

I am glad though that I did do some things just for myself over these last few years. I'm glad you did too.

[Gin]

Welcome back, Brad.  We missed you.

[kayc]

Steve, I can relate to what you said.  I would give anything to be able to watch what GEORGE wants to watch again.  I'd give anything to cook what HE wants for dinner!  I'd give anything...

[Brad]

Well, life is indeed interesting.  So many changes, so much to process, so many emotions all colliding and leaving me feeling in and out of the twilight zone (cue Rod Serling).  All in all, things are significantly better than they were a year ago and yet I still find myself crumbling for now apparent reason other than a moment of reflection.  I probably will for the rest of my life.  You know things are better because I seldom report and contribute, I still lurk in the background but not with the frequency of the past.  

I made it through the dreaded two-year anniversary; it was a struggle that started about ten days before that horrible date.  I had actually been rather good since my return from Europe, and then...  For the next ten days, it was a daily struggle to stay focused on the present and not the past; lots of tears keeping my cheeks wet; the distance between my mind and my heart growing galactically by the minute.  But I survived last Saturday, not as I would like, but I survived.  

And then Sunday I got up and decided to return to teaching!  The teacher who replaced me is leaving and I had the opportunity to get my old classroom back.  Those who know me know I had four major loves in my life: first, foremost, and always, my Deedo; second and thirdly, my kids and grandkids (not necessarily in that order); and then there were my classes.  Oh, how I loved teaching.  

For the past two years, every time I felt the need for help, I would walk.  So I walked and walked and walked some more; I've covered nearly five-thousand miles walking since my wife passed.  Needless to say, very few of those miles included walking with others.  I have a friend who enjoys hiking as much as I do but she lives two-hundred miles away; so we hike when we can but that's only a few times a year.  I tried a hiking club but it didn't work out (six water/potty breaks on a five-mile hike).  So my time has been spent largely by myself, talking to myself (frankly I'm not that interesting and I know all of my stories by now)  By throwing in the towel on retirement, for a few years, I will be forced to leave the house in the morning and interact with humans (if you can call teenagers that) for a significant part of the day.  Since the decision was made, I haven't had time to think about the past, only about how many hoops I need to jump through to get my certificate renewed.  Once I'm good to go it'll be back to something I really enjoy, something that will help me to focus on being Brad, no longer BradnDeedo.

I do want to thank everyone here.  By sharing your pain, you've helped me experience and cope with mine.  I truly hope it has been reciprocated.  For those who are just joining us, I share your pain and hope you know that someday, life will be better.  My gratitude extends far beyone my limited skills to express; know that I truly appreciate everyone here.

 

[kayc]

Wishing you the best as you return to teaching, Brad.  

[BillT]

Brad,

reading your posts have helped me in many ways, often letting me realize that I am not completely alone in the feelings I have.  Thank you for being you, and best wishes to you in the future!

Bill

 

[Margm]

I had many years of happiness but found over these years that eventually you have to learn to live without some friends and family members. It is not pleasant but it happens.  Brad, I wish you as much happiness as life will allow and admire your quest for living. Visit back often. You're a brave man.

[Cookie]

Brad:  Good for you; I wish you all the best.  I'm still looking for that special something that will give my life meaning again.  My husband, John, was an eighth grade math teacher, so I know how hard that job is, but also how rewarding.  I used to love helping him with class projects and going in and video-taping for him, etc.  The kids although challenging are so neat to interact with (I know not all the time!).  Please don't go away from here completely; you always write such interesting posts, but my guess is that you will be pretty busy....

[brat#2]

Brad, wishing you good luck in your teaching adventure.  Please do come back and let us know how it is going.  Hugs, Joyce

 

[Brad]

Well,  I start tomorrow and although I've already had forty first days of school, this one seems to have created a bit more anxiety than they did in the past.  I'm still amazed at how one of the side-effects of grief is what a beating my self-confidence has taken.  

I've decided that if I can handle three years of teaching, and if I can learn to live a more spartan life, and if I can save enough, then I'd like to spend a year in Europe, sectioning the continent into a dozen regions and the spend a month in each region.  Of course, that is a lot of ifs, but the last trip was so good for me, it proved to have a significant impact on my frame of mind.  

But then I always go back to the old saying: "If you ever wish to make God laugh, tell Him your plans."

[brat#2]

Brad, you will be fine and do okay.  Believe me though I understand what you are saying about how much this grief has shaken my confidence.  Good luck and Deedo will be with you cheering you on!  Joyce

[kayc]

Just whisper your plans around God, then, Brad.  Sounds wonderful!

[Gwenivere]

I went to the nursing home today.  Really didn't want to, but being around others I am not a stranger helps a bit.  Unfortunately the resident I am closest to is in rapid decline.  I've never seen him this bad and the nurse told me she thought his time was close.  I knew by what I saw anyway.  After 23 years I never get used to this.  Choosing to work there does mean friendships will usually be shorter obviously. Now I have to prepare for the time he will be gone and how I will fill those when he was vital and we had fun together.  Funny thing about grief and its anticipation now, I went numb to what I saw as it wasn't really a shock, but it didn't last long.  Within 2 hours of being home and as I write this, the sadness of another void rips at my heart.  I've never sought friendships there, but as with our spouses, they happened and you don't want to pass them by.  soon I will have to go back and try to remember how I filled that time without him.  I've done this 4 times before.  People I had gotten close to for years.  I often wonder why it happens and I think it is because of their attitudes to mortality and appreciation of their time left.  I know that when Steve got sick I saw the same change in how he viewed life knowing it was finite.  

[kayc]

Gwen,

I'm sorry your friend is in rapid decline, that is hard.  I never went back to the dementia care facility after my mom died, or to the assisted living place after my FIL died.  To me it's a painful reminder that I won't be able to go see them again.
I don't think this ever gets easier no matter how much experience we've had with loss and grief.  Nothing prepares us...

[Gwenivere]

To top things off, the guys that come over every 2 weeks (my only visitors) cancelled tonight because ones brother just died.  I feel like death is hovering all around.  If I was paranoid, I'd think I was a magnet.  I also feel so bad that I am thinking of me before the people it is happening to.  Maybe we get a little too compassionate because we know how they feel unlike others around them that won't.  Or we  just raw all the time. Even watching movies where a character dies I think....those people that loved them are in for a long painful journey!  I have extreme depression and grief.  They are intertwined but I know grief trumps the depression. I can sometimes escape the depression briefly, but never the grief. People can recover from depression, but grief is everlasting.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Maybe we get a little too compassionate because we know how they feel

Yes, we feel more than others because we DO know all too well.  I'm sorry you missed your visit, I know how hard it is when you live alone and you count on something.  I only has one person come here in the last year, that was my son for a short time because he needed to get his hunting gear.  That's it.  And I even have a sister that lives here in town!

[Gwenivere]

I couldn't decide which topic to pick, but this seemed the closest.  Ever since my doctor quit I have been thrust from a very protected nest of treating depression and panic.  I've made too many calls to count seeking help for these issues all winding up in dead ends except for one APRN who wanted to change what had been working for decades but needed some tweaking.  I was familiar with her suggestions because my doc and I had been over them and nixed them having known my reactions to meds for 27 years.   I have been working with my therapist to take what my doc prescribed (I was trying to tough it out on less) and the vilification of Xanax is extraordinary.  The months he and I have worked to take my prescribed dosage feels it is unravelling as all these specialists have boiler plate ways of how things should be done.  Now when I take my meds I feel like a junkie where as before I was following a plan between my doc and I.  I never felt I was an 'abuser'.

Another thread  is loss upon loss and that has been happening too.  Of course it started with Steve, but now my doc and a very dear friend /resident at the nursing home that died Tuesday.  I didn't even know how much I loved him til I knew I was losing him.  Another of those you think they will be there forever.  

I won't bore you with the maladies, only that having panic disorder can make the simplest attempt at fixing them a nightmare.  What others might perceive as feeling hyped is terror for me.  Until I find someone that can address that, my option is the ER for impatient help.  That itself scares me.  I don't want to be away from my home and furry kids.  I also have to find new health insurance in 2 months which is the only headache I thought I would have this summer.  I had a moment of absolute peace before waking up in a dream about Steve saying not to worry about it, he would take care of it.  My hero.

The loneliness manifests itself in so many ways.  I was dependent on him for all the financial big stuff, technical issues and was so grateful that is what he did for a living aside from his music.  He knew the art of the deal and loved the challenge.  I just want to make dinner, clean the house and handle the domestic side.  We were both capable of both, but liked the stereotype I guess.  We knew we could each step up if needed.  Well, I don't know how to mow lawns and he was lousy at making the bed.  I am now more 'grown up' than I wanted to be.  We always swore we would never fully grow up because you need to be a kid sometimes.  It's sucked enjoyment with so much to deal after being a team which left us time for shared down time.  

Sorry for the babble, but the pile up of stress and sleep loss has caught up with me.  

[Eagle-96]

It's not a babble Gwen. Sometimes we just need to release some steam so the boiler doesn't explode. It seems like a lot of emotions and difficulties are piling up on you at once. I am sorry you are dealing with all of it. My first doctors visit after Lori died I found out that my doctor of 20 years had retired. It was quite a punch to the gut so I know how difficult that can be. Praying for peace and comfort for you.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I've made too many calls to count seeking help for these issues all winding up in dead ends except for one APRN who wanted to change what had been working for decades but needed some tweaking.

This is the reason I'm not jumping to switch doctors just yet, I want to give her another chance and at least talk to her after my last horrid experience.  My previous doctor I had for 33 years, we knew each other well, I even worked for him for a number of years.  You can't replace a relationship like that.  My current doctor I've had for 8 years, and one of the reasons I'm hesitant to go looking for another one is it'd be starting over, them wanting to change medicines, etc.  I'm of the mind, don't change what's working.  Even though my insurance charges much greater copays for some of those medicines, I just don't want to upset the applecart with my blood pressure, anxiety, etc.  It's not worth it. 

Gwen, I know all too well how important a doctor is to us, and I feel for you, having lost yours and also your friend.  It's painful being forced to lose someone.  

[KarenK]

Change of topic here, but not sure where to put this. My son and I made a disappointing, but enlightening trip to the mountains today in our quest for a new place. I so need to get out of this house and it's constant reminders of Ron and of Debbie's childhood. We discovered how really poor we are. I already had a pretty good idea,but it was a reality check for sure. I don't require new and fancy, but I do demand clean and not rundown. I live in a 60 year old house that's in better shape than the newer ones in our price range now. So onward and upward, we'll just keep looking and hope for that "bargain". It seems all the bargains were already sold just last month.   lol   Just my small rant for the day.

[Margm]

On ‎8‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 10:24 PM, Gwenivere said:

 soon I will have to go back and try to remember how I filled that time without him.

Gwen, it feels like my "golden" years are not golden after all.  My friend Hettie told me, when another of my classmates passed, "we are at the age when we will lose our friends."  She had just lost a classmate the week before.  We remember them as "full of life" young people, and they were, but so were we.

"The old order changeth, giving way to the new."  I used to hear my mama say that.  It is true.  Does not help to know that.

[Margm]

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

. I so need to get out of this house and it's constant reminders of Ron and of Debbie's childhood

We are all different Karen.  My friend cannot afford to move from the home her husband built.  It is huge, on three levels, built into, on top of, and all around one of the small mountains.  Beautiful, but to her, leaving it would mean leaving him.  I never was sentimental about any but one RV we lived in and had to leave to help take care of family in a stix and brix house again.  I wish now I had rented an apartment where I had a washer and dryer, but I don't want to see the house again.  We are all so different.  Being right is only what is right for us. 

[kayc]

Karen,

My place is killing me with it's never ending need for costly repairs, but I can't afford to move, I'm stuck here, shoveling snow and stacking firewood and making do with worn out carpet and constant needs.  Right now I'm paying for a brand new roof for my 34' patio, I paid for a new one two years ago but the contractor did a horrible job and it leaks everywhere, then he retired.    I wish I had a little place in good condition that I didn't have to worry about.  If yours is in good shape, maybe you can try making changes to it to make it reflect you instead of the past?  Good luck, either way you go!

[KarenK]

Kay,

Your area is just so beautiful and it's one of the places I've searched around online.  We want to stay in the western U.S.   The places we like are too small to accommodate 3  people and 2 dogs or too expensive. After 60 years, I just want out of this desert. I know I'm trying to re-create my little cabin at half the price. Even at my age, I still want to see what's just over the next hill as Ron and I always did. I suspect I should be grateful for the roof over my head here, but I still have that dream. Not many dreams left in me anymore. Thanks for caring.

[Eagle-96]

37 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Not many dreams left in me anymore.

Such a poignant statement that reflects on what, I suspect, most of us feel. Before we lost our soulmates, our lives were filled with dreams and hopes for the future. The sun shone brighter. The smiles were wider. The possibilities were endless. Now it just seems as if we are stumbling through an existence we never wanted or asked for. I guess the only dream I have left is of the day I will be with Lori again.