Reflections and musings

[kayc]

Oh yes, we get it. They never will...not unless they go through it, and I pray they don't.

[Guest]

Twenty-eight hours of driving (round trip) with just my mind and my music. I am intrigued how lyrics seem to evolve to fit my mental state. So many songs are so apropos for where my head is at. I used to love road trips with the destination being anticlimactic to the journey. Deedo and I could go out for a cup of coffee on a Friday afternoon only to return late Sunday after starting to chase a sunset and ending up in San Diego or Taos or Monument Valley for the weekend. We'd talk the entire time. Now it's just me inside my head...so many things to say to her but words fall into emptiness. 

And then there's the music. It's amazing how Billie Holliday or Andre Bocelli or Liza Minnelli or Eric Clapton sing of my loss right now. They used to sound like breakup songs, now they ring of tragic, senseless death. It's no wonder I'm getting more into Classical; symphonies and concertos do not have lyrics for me to warp into a pity party. 

Oh well, inane ramblings from a motel room in Deming. The kids and grandson did provide a great distraction. 

[Gwenivere]

Brad, I so envy your freedom to take trips and experience new things.  I know it is not easy, but I know you have said they really help you.  I, too, get different meaninfpgs from songs that are about break ups but have a different message to me now.  my panic attacks don't let me stray too far from home even if I don't know where I would go.  But I would love to have the option.  Steve and I would often just drive around with the dogs looking for places that could be a new adventure.  Without him, I'm too overwhelmed to attempt it.  I've been vicariously travelling with you.  Keep on trucking, a they say.  

[KarenK]

Brad,

So funny you should mention the meaning of some songs. I was listening to an old Anne Murray song today and thinking the same thing. It was of a love lost, but the same lyrics could be applied to our situations. The big difference, of course, being there is no hope for ours to return.

I've not been through Deming for many years. We switched to the northern route for our cross country trips to Kentucky. I do remember a very good Mexican restaurant(really hot food) across the tracks. Forty years ago, although I doubt Deming has changed much.  LOL

Glad you were able to visit with your family. Get home safely tomorrow.

[Margm]

@Karen, it has been so long since we were out in Deming, but it brings back good memories.  We always stayed at Escapee RV parks and they like to hug and Billy said he was going to run.  He didn't, he hugged.  The wind blows so hard and coming into town there were beautiful purple flowers on all the bushes. Come to find out, they were K-Mart plastic bags blown into the sagebrush. Wish I could go back.......with Billy.  Not gonna happen.

[KATPILOT]

That is so funny Marg. Litter can become art.  We actually painted a landscape with trash!  The wind does indeed blow hard in Deming. I once had to land a small plane there for fuel and when the wheels touched the runway, my forward speed was close to zero. Turning sideways to the wind exiting that runway was one of the scariest moments for an eighteen year old kid.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I'm not saying that it always happens, but if you ever do go places you once shared together, in the still quiet of the moment, you might feel Billy's presence.

[kayc]

Stephen, I'd like to see that painting!

I've made recycled art out of discarded things...can lids, screws, watch and jewelry parts, you name it.  It's true, it can be beautiful all in the presentation and perspective.  In a way, that's what we're doing with our lives.

[brat#2]

Brad - glad you got the chance to visit with your kids and grandkids and had a good time.  I've got some family coming in at the end of the week, for business conferences, but they are staying an extra day so we can get together.  I'm looking forward to it, as you said a distraction.

I haven't been able to listen to music yet.  Before all this happened, music would tend to make me emotional so I can't imagine how emotional I would be now. Have a safe trip home.

Joyce

[Margm]

Right now, in two days it will be five months, my only plans for travel would be east of the Mississippi River.  We never had plans for, or visited anything but the west.  Billy wanted to be Jeremiah Johnson, the mountain man.  I cannot bring myself (at this moment in time) to even visit Arkansas ever again once I get rid of de house. I think that is called avoidance, which I practice a lot.

[Guest]

Sitting in the shower today I realized it was the first time in thirty-seven years someone wasn't trying to pinch me when I wasn't wearing green.  Actually I never thought, in advance, about St. Paddy's Day so I was easy picking or should I say I was easy pinching.  

[KarenK]

Brad,

Having an Irish surname(by marriage), we always celebrated St. Paddy's with traditional corned beef and cabbage and wore something green. Have never been pinched for being lax. Will be having burgers tonight. It's just not the same.

Feeling sad and a bit sorry for myself today. Tomorrow will be my 69th birthday. No celebration as the two people who valued me the most are gone. Ron always made it special and I will dearly miss the call I always got from my daughter. My son, bless his heart will probably not even remember. He's not too good with stuff like that.

Here is a special Irish blessing for all our loved ones:

May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind always be at your back,

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

The rain fall soft upon your fields,

And Until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

 

[Gwenivere]

Brad, our football teams colors are blue and green.  I ditched the blue beads so am set for the day.   It's a shame because Steve would try and catch me before getting dressed.  But like Mardi Gras, I could flash him and get my beads.  

[KATPILOT]

I always think of this day as my grandfathers birthday. He was one of my hero's and Lebanese so not much Irish there. Green however has always been my favorite color.

Happy St Patrick's everyone......I've got my corned beef on!

[Gwenivere]

I'm envious, Kat.   I didn't think to buy a corned beef and the Arby's close to me closed or I would have surely bought one if thier sandwiches which are amazingly good.  I have to settle for kielbasa which is OK as I am half polish.  My Irish side it a little miffed tho.  

[Guest]

“There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief . . . and unspeakable love.

~WASHINGTON IRVING~”

 

This journey is proving to be quite an education; I am learning so much about myself.  

I am learning that I am not as resilient as I once believed.  I am learning that I can and do cry.  I am learning, for the first time, the emptiness and loneliness of missing that person who so dominated my happiness.  I am learning there are different types of tears; some gush forth, other seep, some erupt from the depths of despair, others reflect hope and gratitude for a life well lived.  All are cathartic.  All speak of grief.  

I am learning that I lack patience. I resent the fact that for one moment or one day I can feel a sense of acceptance and then just as suddenly all sense of progress disappears and the vacuity, the void, the hollowness swallows my every thought.  I know it will come; the sense that I have begun to emerge from the shadows, the fog, the miasma, but I want it now.  

I used to take pride in my ability to recover from the challenges of life.  I would issue forth stronger and wiser; WE would issue forth stronger and wiser.  Maybe it was Deedo emerging from these tests stronger and wiser and dragging me into acceptance.  Maybe it was always her and never me.  What ever it was has abandoned me now.

I've never been one to wallow, even now I move proactively through each day.  When the sadness becomes too overwhelming I have found trying my best to try to find something, anything, to be grateful for does help.  I read that it is impossible to be grateful and sad at the same time.  For me it is true.  I only wish the gratitude came more naturally these days and the effects longer lasting.

I am learning that the bearable times, as well as the bad times, are temporary; some lasting fleeting seconds, others lasting longer, some lasting close to a day.

I am learning that love is love is love.  And grief is directly proportional to the breadth and depth of that love.  It does not matter if that love was there for a lifetime or a few moments; it is real.  It does not matter if the love is for a spouse, a significant other, a sibling; that love is for a soulmate and it leaves such a void.

I am learning that this journey is by far and away the most challenging, debilitating, paralyzing, incapacitating, exhausting journey.  It is far worse than anything I ever imagined.  

[kayc]

Brad,

The synergy of two combined far outweighs what both can do alone.  The strength laid in the synergy we had with our spouse.  But you know what?  We learn just how strong we can be in this journey!

[KATPILOT]

 What a powerful description of what you are going through. This grief's journey that you are on Brad will always be changing. We adapt almost daily because things change so quickly.  I agree that it is the worst adventure we ever had to experience but it does allow for learning and growth. As if we had a choice? You articulate well and it is truly nice to read your words for they give us insight and we can relate to much of what you are enduring.

I think it wasn't just Deedo but the both of you dragging you into acceptance. Do you ever hear her thoughts mixed with your own? I mean almost as if you were discussing an issue together?  I think it's not only possible but very likely.

[Margm]

All of what you said Brad. My sister's birthday is today.  Her greatest gift was Medicare.  She is a few hours short of her PhD.  The state of Louisiana treats everyone better than it does its teachers.  She loves teaching English and writing to young men and women in college that will be less educated, will be less period without the teachers they will no longer pay.  

As to the grief, I have found out screaming gives me a headache.  I have cried long, hard, breathless until I think if I keep on, I will surely die, and it was a welcome feeling. The only thing that scared me was the lack of fear.   My great granddaughter throws fits of screaming, flailing of limbs until her parents give in.  My Billy is gone.  I think if I had him back I would wear him out telling him how I cannot live without him.  The final verdict is, no amount of screaming, crying, wishing, fit throwing is going to bring him back.  

Today I will go place.wreaths on his parents grave.  I have his ashes with me in a beautiful wooden urn with a tree engraved and a verse under it. They fixed a purple amulet with a few of his ashes and his thumbprint.  I cannot wear it.  The only thing I get comfort from is his saying that he was me and I was him.  If that is true, then he is me.  I wear our rings on a double thick chain that rests next to my heart.  And I get angry everytime I remember him saying "the one left, must stay."  All I can think of that is dammit, here I am.  But he is me, I am him.  I cannot see him, I cannot touch him.  

My mother taught me fairy tales.  I had a magical life.  She taught me "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride."  My mother-in-law taught me the real meaning of wishing. "Wish in one hand and S___T in the other, and see which one fills up the fastest."    

[KATPILOT]

There is something about enduring grief and how we all survive that I find interesting. Since it is such a difficult journey and we must survive somehow. I have read how many different ways we do it, all different yet all effective. It's somewhat like trying to keep from falling off a cliff. We all grab anything we can to keep from falling. Perhaps it's a basic human need to survive. Just as if we had a physical trauma so bad that only our bodies did things to keep us alive like going into shock to slow down blood loss, nature kicks in. The same thing happens when we have such a loss that we can hardly function. Religion and trust in God works for some. I found comfort in fate if that makes any sense. Once I accepted that I had no control or answers, things began to fall into place. I lost the anger though not the sorrow. Something started to make sense to me. I began to accept that fate was leading me along this journey. It was guiding me every step I took. It was working when that tumor started in Kathy's leg and it continued and her fate was sealed. There was nothing that could be done and I had no control over it. Now here is where the conflict arose. I had always believed that I controlled my own destiny. I always believed that I could change things but it wasn't that way at all. I could be the best person I could possibly be and live my life well but that's as far is it could go. I couldn't control anything else. Fate was at the controls. Once I accepted that, I stopped asking "why?". That was when I stopped banging my head against the walls of my house late at night frustrated that I had no answers. That was when I stopped screaming out loud in anguish.

That epiphany answered many question but the sorrow remained. Sorrow so deep it grips me still. I can live with the sorrow. I have little choice and it will remain with me for the rest of my days but that is all it is. It is simply sorrow. A tear still falls even as I write this but it's a tear of sorrow enabled by that deep love that you all are saying. Just love with no anger.

[Gwenivere]

Brad and Kat.....what powerful messages you wrote.  I am still in that phase of banging my head against the wall wanting to know why and I know it was nature, not a punishment or payback for either one of us.  But it still nags at me because I feel so singled out.  I was always resilient too, but not this time.  I've met my match and then some.  This clinging for survival almost doesn't make sense a lot of times.  I just see it as existing to live in this most horrid of pain.  Last night I broke down in the darkest place my mind goes.  Steve can't love me anymore and I can't reciprocate.  No matter how many people are around, without that someone it will always be empty.  i used to think waking and late at night was the worst.  It's all day long.  There are fleeting moments I think I can do this new life, but they slip away too easily right now.  It's funny that I can talk to people that don't understand and sound quite rational.  Put me with people that get it and the truth comes out.

I really wish I could feel laughter and lightheartedness again.  It's just an act now for social situations.  I wish I could take some solace in the good memories.  

Im raining on you guys parades, so sorry about that.  I truly hope I get to where you both are one if these days.  Reading you have does inspire possible hope.

[Guest]

Gwen- Raining?  Emphatically NO!  Living in and expressing your journey?  YES. 

I have learned that neither the horrible times nor the barely tolerable times will last forever but that is of little consolation when caught up in the darkness. 

[Margm]

I really once had the hair-brained notion that if we could get the RV on the road we could out run death. I had escaped death twice, we were not going to let it happen.  I could save us both.  I was superwoman.  Nope, just superdumb.  

[iPraiseHim]

As I  walk daily through this journey of grief, it is as those before me have traveled this path have said,  " that this journey will change and transform you."  I can look back from the first few weeks of my wife's death and notice how some things have changed ever so gradually.  And everyone goes through this. Initially, it was such a shock to my system I could hardly breath, sleep, eat or function. By Grace, I found this forum to express and embrace what I am going through.  None of us volunteered or signed up for this project.  We were thrust into by the complete and utter devastation of our lives and psyche by deep profound loss (death). 

Initially, I was just hanging on to try to make it through a second, minute, hour or day. This forum and the open and caring members and moderators help every one of us.  I am extremely grateful to have found this place.  I searched for two weeks, looking for answers to what this is that I am going through.  The journey is not as intense as it was in the first few months but it still has it's moments.  There are things that I just could not do or face then that I can now.  I can enjoy smooth jazz (like we both did) and instead of feeling loss, I can embrace it and be reminded of how much my wife loved it.  

I believe we learn how to get through this grief and live with it as a part of our character and a reminder of how wonderful our partner is and that they  have changed us. I am learning to embrace each day with whatever it brings.  I will still fall down and fall short.  Sooner or later, I plan to get up dust myself off and continue to step forward.  I pray that each one of us can find our way.  Shalom   

[Gwenivere]

Weekends are especially hard.  It was our time that basically excluded the world as everyone had their families too to do things with.  Many are younger than us, so work during the week.  I added another volunteer day on Saturday.  Kills some time of that weekend time and usually makes me feel a little better.  Now I need to rant a bit so hopefully I can have my usual lonely evening with less stress.

Ive volunteered at a nursing home for 22 years now.  I am no novice.  Today the new activities director i only deal with Saturdays made me feel like I messed up.  I felt talked down to.  I don't mind her wanting to tell me how she wants things done on her ward, but it was the way she did it.  She is an extremist with the diabetics and I was trained that residents be reminded of thier choices between regular and sugar free treats, but ultimately it is thier choice.  I know what it was!   She seems a control freak.  Anyway, I left feeling dejected and know this will lead to a talk with my boss this coming week.  It's just an examples of how sensitive I have become.  Typically I would have discussed it with her right then, but I just wanted to leave.  Not my usual settle it immediately self.

i did some shopping and while driving home was consumed in the confusion I often feel about my life now.  I didnt understand where Steve is.  I got agitated feeling this yet again.  Knowing I was coming home, he would not be there and I don't understand 'why'.  It was that mind blur that made no sense while coexisting with that I do know why he isn't here.  I wish I could find the right words to describe it.  I know and I don't.  It's maddening lately.  

I just read the article Marty posted about the neutral zone.  That was helpful because to says this is normal.  That we get to a point that knowledge and emotion do not coexist well and we are caught in it.  It's like jumping between 2 minds in my own head.  I don't care for either right now.  Where to go when this happens I haven't found.  Then I remembered I could babble here freely because there is no one to call that would understand.  Plus, I might be interrupting their family time.  Ugh.  This is supposed to be my family time.  Dinner out, but it will be another solitary meal.  

I feel like Linda Rondstat in the song Poor, Poor Pitiful Me.  I hate it!

Ok, rant off.  Makes me wonder what everyone is doing on yet another lonely night.

[KATPILOT]

You do get it George and yes we will still fall down and pick ourselves up. Clinging for survival doesn't have to make sense Gwen. It, just as I said, only needs to be the basic survival function of nature to get us through until we can function in this new world.  The truth is that we will find more happy days than sad. It is a certainty even if impossible to imagine right now. You express  Remember what I have said. Time is your friend. You will heal and there will be a scar left behind. Every time you look at that scar you will know the love that caused it to be there.

Marge you were not superdumb, optimistic perhaps but never dumb.