Reflections and musings

[Gwenivere]

I don't think my house is that much larger than yours, Brad.  If I subtract the music studio and garage, I'd say that was about accurate.  So,er days it just feels so huge by myself.  Even with the dogs it's just more stuff to clean up, but way back when it was just a part of daily life.  I know I will need a maid service one day, but like you I keep up the vacuuming and especially the kitchen.  There is something about a disheveled kitchen that screams 'I don't give a damn' and I'm trying not to let that happen.  As for the computer, this darned iPad has replaced my desktop making it too easy to be on it.  I've got to get better about always checking it when I am home and make it like it was.  If I needed to use a computer, I had to go to my office.  This thing just travel with me to the living room and beckons me like a siren song.  

[iPraiseHim]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I tried that, HH.  Won't let me do it.  I see the box but nada happens. 

This happens to me too!  When I try to quote some, then someone else quote shows up.  Thankfully this group understands we are challenged in many and different ways! 

 

[Guest]

Gwen

Several years ago I bought Deedo an iPad for Christmas.  She was furious that I spent that much money on her and swore she'd never use it.  Within a week she was using it multiple times a day for email and Facebook, iBook and iTunes were soon to follow.  She never forgave me for giving it to her but she spent far more time in it than on the iMac.  Now it is used mostly for streaming Netflix.

[iPraiseHim]

I have been cleaning homes professionaly for over 18 years.  The hardest home to clean is mine! Shalom

[brat#2]

George, that is so true, the thing you do for a living is the last thing you want to do in your own home!

Joyce

[Margm]

I have to get me a laptop.  This 10 inch Kindle with keyboard is a poor substitute for a computer.  I hate to branch out and buy something big without Billy.  But, he cannot help me make up my mind anymore.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[BillT]

5 hours ago, Brad said:

Joyce -

I don't know about you but I'm still at a place where I will get lonely and want to be with others but as soon as I do I find myself wishing to be alone again.  

Brad,

So true, so true.  Hope it will change with time.

 

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Brad said:

Several years ago I bought Deedo an iPad for Christmas.  She was furious that I spent that much money on her and swore she'd never use it.   

Unlike Deedo, I didn't care about the money.  Steve was always trying to get me into more sophisticated toys as he was a junkie for them and I think he wanted a partner in crime.   I never would have used an iPad before because my routine was set.  So much has changed.  Here I am at reading time doing posts.  I want it back the way it was, but we all know the reality of that ever happening.  The only thing I know is that if he could see me with this thing I'd never hear the end of it.  But the catch is if he was here, I wouldn't have it.  Wish I could trade it for him!

[Guest]

Wish you could too!!!

[Guest]

I just found buried deep in a closet this three ring binder stuffed to overflowing with Deedo's treasures from our first few years together; every note, every card, every whimsical nonsense.  Needless to say the tears are flowing.

[Gwenivere]

Steve has a drawer stuffed with cards.  In his bathroom is a picture covered with post it notes I left him.  I went thru things he gave me last year and have a Steve box.  I can't go near the stuff he saved of mine to him.  Drowning in memories has been so common place the last couple of months I cannot take on anymore.  Are you up to looking thru her book, Brad?

[Guest]

But of course.  Notes I sent her, cards not only from me but everyone, receipts from things we did and places we stayed, a speeding ticket I got in Idaho on our honeymoon, letters from our attorneys regarding our adoptions, it's a treasure trove of wonderful memories long forgotten.

[KATPILOT]

Brad I'm sorry it had to trigger tears but still how very wonderful it is to find those little bits of her. I think one day you will find greater joy when you run your hands over them. I did when my discoveries were made. It softens in time and becomes more sweet to have them.

[Guest]

It is already wonderful to have them.  Yes they bring tears but not so much the bitter tears of loss but the sweet fond remembrances of the beginning of our story.  

[brat#2]

Brad

What a wonderful, yet heart aching find.  I went through all the cards, etc Dale gave me over the years early into this grief.  I also went through all our pictures and pulled every single one that had him in them.  Since it was early in the hurricane season when Dale passed, I wanted everything I could get of his into evacuation boxes so if I had to leave they could go with me.  Over the months to follow, I have packed up 5 more big boxes of things I didn't want to lose and now if I have to evacuate, he will go with me in more ways than in my heart and soul.

Joyce

 

[Guest]

I have so many cupboards and closets to go through, this really was Deedo's house; I had my dresser, closet and den and that was all I needed, everything else was hers.  I figure I went on the purge when I first came home, now is the time to continue to let the dust settle before I start clearing out more.  I am excited to see what else I discover.  Deedo saved things that were important to her.

[Guest]

Every morning one of the first things in my mind are the lyrics of Harry Nilsson's "Without Her"  I've always hated it when a song gets stuck in my head but the is getting really tiresome.

I spend the night in a chair thinking she'll be there
But she never comes
And then I wake up and wipe the sleep from my eyes
And I rise to face another day 
Without her

It's just no good anymore
When you walk through the door of an empty room
And then you go inside and set a table for one
It's no fun when you spend a day
Without her

We burst the pretty balloon
Took us to the moon
Such a beautiful thing
But it's ended now
And it sounds like a lie
If I say I'd rather die than live without her

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Brad, I heard chewing gum works.   Honestly, I read that somewhere.  I've not tried it but I know how annoying it can be to have a song stuck in your head.   

[Gwenivere]

I had a musing last night while sobbing in the shower.  Steve us everywhere but nowhere.   I live in this house with all this stuff that is ours, so he is here no matter where I turn.  Yet, he is not here.  I hate when I get these revelations.  It just goes on and on and on......

[Guest]

Leaving the Mayo Clinic yesterday, life was okay which is as good as it gets these days.  I had been distracted all day by tests.  As I was turning onto Shea I glanced to my left and saw an Argentine Cactus in bud about to bloom.  Wham! One of those unexpected sneaky triggers that then dominated most of the three hour drive back home.  Immediately I was transported back to a year ago with all of the imagery of my beautiful bride slowly morphing into a fragile, feeble, emaciated woman who looked many years past her age.  Lately I've been able to more frequently recall the vibrant, energetic, humorous, gregarious, beautiful woman she was.  Funny how a stupid plant in bloom can change all of that.

[kayc]

I don't chew gum but that might be worth a try.  Brad, have you tried playing other catchy songs to get it out of your head?  Of course, then you'd be stuck with them...

 

I'm sorry the cactus set you off yesterday.  Even after all this time, a trigger can affect me, but most of the time it's not as bad as it was in the early years.  I maybe only sob a couple times a year now but when I do, it's a good one!

[Guest]

11 minutes ago, kayc said:

 I maybe only sob a couple times a year now but when I do, it's a good one!

I am making progress; I'm down to a couple of times a day.  Most triggers I can anticipate and they aren't that bad but every now and then....

[brat#2]

Brad, I completely understand about the triggers and sorry you had one yesterday.  I'm getting like you that I anticipate most triggers now and can handle them pretty good, but every once in awhile something new will hit me and I'm losing it.  I too an down to a couple of times of day crying, instead of every hour, so I guess I am making progress too.

Joyce

 

[Guest]

Progress is a funny thing but then grief is a such a unique and bizarre reality.  I still spend most days feeling like I'm stuck and yet as I look back at the last few months I see significant change.  I no longer see my grief counselor and haven't since December, I stopped taking my Mirtazapine five weeks ago and aside from my erratic sleep I'm doing okay without it. My psychiatrist felt like she had taken me as far as she could at this point and I've come to the conclusion that my support group was no longer meeting my needs.  This forum is such a wonderful place and I so appreciate the feedback I get here.  

On a side note: Found it interesting - the CEO who lost her husband ten months ago to an accident.  Her publicist announced yesterday she is dating another CEO and is very happy.  That is so far out of my personal reality base I can't begin to fathom it.  Yes indeed we are all grieving but each of us in our own way.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Brad said:

Funny how a stupid plant in bloom can change all of that.

Not really.  I've had the oddest things hit me and obvious ones not.  It jumps around all the time.  I wouldn't say I am on alert always, but when it is something I didn't expect it's unnerving.  My gawd, the whole world is different now.  I don't need another thing to remind me.  I'm looking for things that will bring some solace.  They seem to be terribly lacking.