My brother died March 10

[Oz]

My brother was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer on February 4th. He died on March 10th.  They gave him 2 months to 22 months. My sister and I were with him when they gave us the death sentence, but right away we said well we will do this and that, carrot juice, supplements. He opted for chemo as he felt this was his only chance. He had one chemo treatment and it all went bad. He went into the hospital with severe pain. His colon had ruptured. I stayed at the hospital with him and he vomited all night long. He was in pain even with morphine. My brothers and sisters came. My parents died young and since 1983 it has been the six of us. He developed sepsis and it was horrible and traumatic to watch my brother die and there was nothing I could do. I feel like I let him down, like I should have demanded that on Wednesday when he went in that they find the problem before it got to the point it did. My brother was 62 and the adventurer of the family. He skydived, rode a Harley around the country, kayaked, and was full of life. He was loved by so many people for his wonderful generous nature and how much fun he was. He worked all his life and we thank God that he retired at 59.5.  It is not fair that this happened to him, he was such a good and kind man. I want to remember the wonderful life he had but the hospital scenes keep replaying in my head. I will never get over it. I am just going through the motions. He would be so mad at me as his favorite saying was "deal with it, and move on". I want to honor his life by having the best life I can, but the pain of losing him seems insurmountable.

[kayc]

Oh Oz, I'm so sorry!  It's so unfair!  I'm sorry for what your brother went through and for how fast it went.  It sounds like he lived a good life while he had the chance, and I'm glad he got to enjoy some of his retirement before this hit.

He might have told you to deal with it and move on, but you're the one going through it, not him and he couldn't have known how hard it'd be to live without him.  I hope you feel free to continue coming here and posting, sometimes it just really helps to let it out in a safe place and this is definitely a place you'll be heard and understood.  I also hope you'll consider seeing a grief counselor.

[enna]

I am so very sorry to hear about the death of your brother. What a fun loving person he seemed to be ~ an adventurer for sure. I hope you allow your grief to be what it is. Finding a good grief counselor will help you sort out your feelings and come to terms with his death. Sepsis is horrible and not anything you could have prevented. Those who come here never tire of listening. We do understand. Hugs to you.

Anne

[Oz]

Thank you both for listening. It helps to write feelings down.

[MartyT]

My friend, you are barely two months out from your brother's diagnosis, and one month out from his death. To expect that you can "deal with it, and move on" at this point is totally unrealistic and puts undue pressure on yourself. Please, please do some reading about what is normal in grief, and recognize that this is more than a simple challenge or a bump in the road; this death of your brother is a life-changing event. You will deal with it; you are dealing with it. You found your way to this warm and caring place, which in itself is "dealing with it." For now, let that be enough. For now, let us put our arms around you as you clear your head and get your bearings. There is no "moving on" from the reality of this devastating loss of your brother ~ but we will stay with you, and walk with you, and support you in finding your way through it.  ♥

[Oz]

Thank you Marty. How awful it is to have to go to work (I support myself) and see the world just going on as if nothing happened. I know we (my family) have to give it time, but it hurts so much.  Thank you all again for your kind words.

[sadsis]

Dear Oz, I am so sorry about your brother.  I lost my younger brother about a month before you lost yours (Feb 10).  He was 40 years old.  I still cycle through shock, anger and sadness on an almost hourly basis.  My brother was a bit like yours - he liked to motorcycle and be outdoors (loved climbing), and was kind and generous, the heart of our little family - he was my only sibling.

I have to work too, and I wonder if the hardest part about it, now that it's about 2 months out, is trying to act normal and professional to colleagues and acquaintances on top of the already exhausting sadness.  It's so draining.

 

[kayc]

sadsis,

I'm sorry for your loss as well.  Yes, it's hard going to work and putting on a professional demeanor.  That's why it's all the more important to be able to let down when you're off work and grieve.  I hope you, too, will seek grief counseling, so you can have someone who is trained to guide you through your grief.  It helps to journal, to have someone to talk to about your feelings, and of course, coming here is a good outlet as well.

[Oz]

Sadsis

So sorry for the loss of your brother also. It is all so sad and heartbreaking. If your brother was an adventurer like mine you know how much they loved life and how much they packed into their time here. But we wanted it to go on. Just doesn't seem fair. Hope we can both find a measure of peace in time.

[kayc]

Oz, I hope he has a Harley with him where he is now and he can get on and go!  I can feel his joy at riding!

[Oz]

He was always smiling and happy. He always said, "life is good" and when you asked how he was he would say "Excellent!". 

[kayc]

He sounds like someone I wish I could have known.

[sadsis]

Oz - I love that pic!  Your brother looked so happy and alive.  One funny thing that I found out about my brother was that he had just started motorcycling in the last year.  His buddy said that he was eyeing his first motorcycle and gotten approval from his wife to buy it.  I'm glad I never found out because my mother and I are both worrywarts (he used to call me his 2nd mother).

One thing that I'm learning from my brother's untimely passing is that it is important to keep sight of joy.  I'm so glad my brother had his hobbies and was able to mountain climb and motorcycle despite my mother and me.  I had gotten so weighed down by work and motherhood and have been losing sight of it.  Now I will need to find a way to incorporate my brother's memory into that goal.

[Oz]

Sadsis - yes, my brother squeezed every last drop of living out of life. I know what you mean by being weighed down by life. John wasn't married so he came and went as he pleased, but we are so grateful that he got to live the life of high adventure that he did. Trying to learn a lesson from him about enjoying our time on this planet.

And I am so glad that your brother experienced joy in living, also. We both have mountains to climb in memory of our brothers!

[Cathyc]

Oz, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. The photo shows him as a man so full of life! Its hard to believe someone like that is gone and it seems so unfair. Sibling grief is such a strange experience. Its different for each of us, but it hits us a lot harder than most people realize. Now that I have some distance from my own brother's death, I try to focus on living in a way he would want me to, as a way of doing justice to his memory. Time does not necessarily heal, but it does soften grief and the most important thing is to read, write, talk and share the experience. That's the best way to work through it. Thanks for sharing the photos too. Even though I didn't get to meet your brother, I feel a lot of inspiration from him!

[Oz]

Thank you for your kind thoughts. We have so many more pictures of him, skydiving, kayaking, riding his bike out west. He was so full of joy in living. The grief I feel right now is overwhelming. Many have said that the grief softens. So sorry for your loss also.

[sadsis]

Oz, 

We both have mountains to climb in memory of our brothers!

Well said.

All, thank you for posting your thoughts.  It's so helpful to have this forum and not to be alone in this.

[Oz]

Sadsis

It is helpful to have a place to come with our thoughts. Knowing that we are not alone in our grief gives a little bit of comfort.