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Lost my best Friend/Love/Soul mate - Somewhat Complicated


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Hello.

3 months ago, I lost my friend of 11 years to breast cancer. It happened suddenly when treatment seemed to be going ok.

- It was a long distance, unusual and complicated friendship. She lived in the USA, me in the UK.

- We would text, phone, skype, email every single day. Every day. Write letters. Send gifts every Christmas. I wear clothes she bought me on most days.

- It wasn't just a friendship. We loved each other. And I do mean loved in the strongest possible terms. Loved. Soul mates. 11 years.

- But it was complicated. She had two young children from her marriage - they stayed married but probably just for the children.

- She didn't tell her friends or family about me. I was her secret. I am a ghost.

- The husband however does know about me - he's the only one who does - but I have not contacted him. He disapproved of our friendship I think. Which is understandable.

- I secretly see her friends and family on Facebook, see them mourning together. 

- I grieve alone on this side of the Atlantic. 

- I have deep regrets and guilt related to our relationship. The regrets are the most painful thing.

- We never physically met. I know this might sound strange to people reading this. I was too scared I wouldn't live up to who I was to her at a long distance. 11 years. She was so patient. I realise now she would not have cared. She would have loved me in person for who I was. I have a history of social anxieties. I was too scared. I'd give anything to meet her just once.

- I was planning to potentially finally meet her this year. I had not told her my plan though. I wish I'd told her my plan. Maybe she'd have kept going.

- We thought she'd keep going. We thought the treatment was working. She said she could keep going for years.

- I never got to say goodbye. It happened so fast. Her family and husband were around her bed as she died. Not me. Not the one she truly loved. I'm scared that in her sedated state, she wanted me there. I'm scared that she might have gone through those thoughts. I want to die. I only found out she had days to live after contacting one of her friends by Facebook after I had not heard from her in 2 days - like I say we were in contact every day, so I was worried when I didn't hear from her - and I introduced myself as a penpal. I managed to get this friend to give her a simple message - that I was thinking of her. I couldn't tell the friend what I really wanted to say.

- I don't know where she's buried. I have no closure.

- I carved our initials into a tree in a local woods. That's the only place I can go.

- Our friendship was so beautiful. We told each other we loved each other every single day. We laughed so much together. We supported each other through the hard times. I was there for her always. She was there for me always. 

- I want to know how her children are. I watched them grow up. From being born to now. 6 and 10 years old.

- I find each day is a struggle. Every minute is a struggle.

- I have severe panic attacks every morning. I wake up and realise she's gone. Over and over. Every day reliving it.

- I sob every day. Regularly.

- My world is dark and grey.

- I feel like 90% of me died with her. She was my muse.

- I keep checking my phone, waiting for her to text.

- I regularly feel like I can't or don't want to go on.

- I saw my doctor who has prescribed me anti-anxiety and anti-depressants.

- I am seeing two separate counselors.

- Considering seeing a medium. I don't even believe in that stuff. I'm desperate.

- I have friends and family that support me. I couldn't ask for more from them.

- But none of it is enough.

- My heart is broken. I am broken.

- This is not a life.

- I need her.

 

 

 

 

 

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Finch-

I am so sorry.  Your story is heartbreaking.  You are right - things are complicated but if anything that only serves to further complicate your grief.  I am glad you are seeing counselors, hopefully they will help you make sense of what you are going through; they did for me.  I also am very skeptical of mediums, always have been so I personally will direct my energies elsewhere.  For me it has been helpful to understand that throughout this journey nothing is permanent.  I am closing in on nine months since I lost my wife of thirty-seven years and in those nine months I see my moods fluctuate from deepest depressions to just barely managing to get by but I also see growth.  I am not the person I was four months ago and that person was not the person I was eight months ago.  I still cry every day, I still think of Deedo every minute of every day but now I also see hope and change and you will too.

I am sorry you have reason to seek us out here.  We are all the walking wounded having lost the most significant person in our lives.  We are here to support each other and help each other through this most horrible of all experiences.

Welcome.

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 I understand your story is complicated.  You are in the right place.  We all miss someone we can never have again.  All of our loves are gone and we are all shells of the people who loved them.  I wish you peace of mind.  I wish us all peace of mind.  There are no easy paths to walk, if there was, we would all be on the same one.  Instead, each of us have to forge ahead, each on a new path, one that has been trod many times before by nameless people.  We all grieve.  Welcome to the grieving place.  Resolution to this pain is hard to come by, yet somehow, some people get a small piece of peace occasionally. Keep reading.  Marty offers words that grieving minds can comprehend. 

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Finch,

My heart goes out to you in your loss.  A person doesn't necessarily have to meet in person to know they love each other, the connection is made with the heart.  You shared everything with each other through the written word.  That is how my husband and I began, through writing, only we were fortunate to meet in person and be able to marry.  But in those early days, our connection was made through the written word.  People thought it wouldn't last, that it wasn't real, but it was and it did.  You know deep inside you what you feel for her, and what she felt for you, and there is no confirmation greater than that.

I'm glad your family and friends know so at least you have their support.

I know you are grieving the secondary losses as well...no longer being privy to her children's lives, etc.  The absence of a text is a trigger in your day.  Eventually it will sink in and you will no longer look for a text, the same as many of us early in our loss when the phone rang, we expected it to be our spouse.  When we heard the door open we expected them to come in and it hit us all over again when it was someone else coming in.  But that stops eventually, we no longer expect anything.  We know.

You are doing well to see counselors, I hope one of them specializes in grief, and can help you walk through it.

I'm not sure I believe in a thing called closure for loss...the missing them goes on and on throughout the rest of our life, when the relationship and love is deep enough.  At least it's that way for me.  I've been in this nearly 11 years.  It doesn't stay the same though, the grief evolves and changes and we learn to coexist with it and it doesn't stay the same in intensity or how we feel.  At one time the mere thought of my George was painful, as was seeing his picture.  Now I draw comfort from seeing his face up on the wall, and my memories have to sustain me.  I draw strength from knowing there was a person in my life that truly got me, truly loved me, and I him.  

I hope you will feel free to continue coming here and posting, you have joined a very caring group, a grief family of sorts.

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Finch, I'm sorry for your loss, your story is heartbreaking. I hope you will keep reading or posting. I am glad you have a support from family and counselors, this is very important as you navigate through many emotions. 

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Finch, my heart goes out to you.  I hope you are able to find some comfort and support here on this site. I'd like to speak to your thoughts on a medium.  As for me, I'm a believer and encourage you to do what you feel you need to do.  I'd like to recommend a book - Bridges to Heaven - by Sue Frederick.  She lives in my community and is a gifted writer and intuitive. You may find some peace in reading her work. Hugs.

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Finch......welcome to a community of caring souls.  All I can say is that I "get it".  My beloved and I met via online........then went on to innumerable hours of phone, texting, IM-ing.......for many months.  We fell totally, deeply, permanently in love w/one another w/out having met in person.  We were fortunate to have finally achieved physical connection, both of us having taken that "leap of faith".......my Connor moved over 1000 miles to come and share my life with me.......many thought I was crazy, having a "man I'd never met in person" coming here to move in with me.  But, I "knew". We both knew.  We had almost 5 amazing years together before he was taken....we'd only been married one year.  So......I truly understand how you can be truly in love with someone even having never been in physical contact.......a true connection of spirit/soul.  You had/have something very special......a true love.

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My dear Finch,

I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved, and sorry too that you’re feeling so broken and invisible in the wake of this difficult loss.

What you are experiencing is what we’ve come to know as “disenfranchised grief” ~ a term originally coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka. It won’t change a thing, but reading a bit about this form of complicated grief may help you to better understand why you’re feeling as you do. See, for example, Ken’s article, Coping with Hidden Sorrow, and my blog post, Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream. The situations described in these two articles may differ somewhat from your own, but I think you may find some useful information, comfort and support in their content.

Your story also reminds me of a blog (no longer active, but still available to read) by “Casey B,” whose online “friend” Chris “passed away from breast cancer at the age of 39." He writes, "I spent the next three years in varying degrees of fog, before deciding I probably ought to do something about channelling the experience into a format which might help others. Hence, this blog was born . . .” You’ll find Casey’s blog here: Navigating Cyberloss.

You say that each day is such a struggle that you don’t feel like going on. As the saying goes, a long journey begins with a single step, and I commend you for taking that first step by sharing your story here. In addition to the warm and compassionate support I know you will find here, it’s good to know that you’re also giving yourself the gift of in-person counseling, which can be of enormous help in finding your way.  

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Hi everybody.

Thank you. I am very grateful that you took time to respond to my post. I came to this website really because I am desperately seeking something. Desperate to find some kind of resolution. Or just desperate to do something that can fix me. I feel broken.

I know that the only resolution is talking and time and finding peace with things. But I can't currently forsee things getting any easier. I know if I look at it with logic and cognisance and hear about other peoples' stories, that time really does lessen the pain, or change it, but right now it feels like there is no way out.

I visited the tree again today that I carved our initials on. I spent ages there and I was at the very depths of despair. Crying and talking to her and begging her to come back and telling her I can't do this without her and I don't want to do this without her. Apologising for not being brave enough.

kayc and WolfsKat, thanks for relating that you have similar stories in the way you met your partners George and Connor online. It's so fantastic that you found this love. I'm so sorry for your losses. I see your lovely avatar pictures of what I presume are you and your partners and it makes me sad. Sad because you were brave enough to make that step of meeting physically. I was not. There will never ever ever be a picture of me and her together. Because we never were together in that way. Because I was not brave enough, because I was scared. I didn't make that 'leap of faith' that you both did. Because of my stupid anxieties. I couldn't give her what she truly wanted. I will carry this with me forever. The pain is so great.

I keep playing over in my mind the various points over the 11 years where she encouraged me gently to make that step but I was afraid. 

I know though that to a degree she was happy with what we had. What we had was amazing and special and beautiful. Otherwise she wouldn't have stuck with me for 11 years, while staying married! She was so patient. She understood me. She was my muse. We have so many amazing memories of laughter and smiling. In her last Christmas card to me she wrote: 

'You bring joy to my life. Every day. Thank you.' 

I hang onto this, and various other things she would regularly tell me that reaffirms how much I meant to her, with everything I have. It's all I have left to try and combat the feelings of regret and guilt and try and stop my emotions from rewriting history.

I just wish..... you know, when you love someone for so long.... but... you never even got to hug them? Just once. I just want to hug her once. A love so strong deserves that, doesn't it? A true love. To hold the one you love in your arms. A fairytale with a fairytale ending. I wanted to give her that. I want it for me now.

I waited too long. I should have been braver. Especially when she got diagnosed with cancer. But I thought there was more time. I wasn't ready. I didn't want cancer to be the reason I finally did it. I wanted to be ready. I was going to do it.

So I have this... unfinished thing. This circle of love that is incomplete. And I can never complete the circle. And I have to live with this. I'm so sad I can never hold her hand. Kiss her lips. Kiss her cheek. Just.... be with her. It's agonizing. It makes me want to die. I feel like there is this wall between us that I can never break down.

Brad, thank you for your words. I am sorry for the loss of your wife Deedo but I am glad that you have managed to find some growth in the nine months since you lost her. I wish for you that you continue to find hope.

kayc yes, one of the counselors I am seeing specialises in grief. He has talked with me about eventually moving onto CBT as a way to cope.

scba, thank you. Yes, I have told my family and friends here pretty much everything. So at least I am not a ghost on this side of the Atlantic. They honestly have been great to me.

ChinUp, thank you for the book recommendation. I will look into it. Like I mentioned, I don't really believe in it. But... I have a very open mind. 

MargM, thank you. I hope to find some peace here. To read other peoples' experiences makes me feel less alone. That's a good start.

MartyT, thank you very much for the information you posted. I will look into those links. And thank you for welcoming me here. I have taken the first steps but it all feels so daunting. 

Thank you all. 

I want to tell you, that the name of my beautiful partner and soulmate was Crystal.

My real name is Anthony. She called me Finch. That was my online alias when we first met online. We met in an online chatroom in 2004 and that was my name. So I call myself Finch on here in tribute to that.

I am 35. She was 38.

She gave me her Dad's email address once, should we ever lose contact. I have not got in touch with him yet. But I hope to, and I hope it helps me find some way of connecting back with her life.... that's if he understands. I don't want to upset him by being this strange person he has never heard of who not only knows everything about his daughter but all aspects of her life. From what I know of him, he is fairly conservative and I don't know how he will react when he discovers there was this man across the Atlantic. I will probably be very cautious at first and just say we were penpals.

I just want to know how the kids are. I saw them grow up from when they were born. I know everything about them. I want to know how her dogs are. I feel a part of her life. I can't let go of it. It's not fair.

As I type this I have tried anti-anxiety meds diazepam for the first time. I don't feel less anxious, that's for sure. But it's a small dosage.

 

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Dear Finch....,.thank you for keeping with us......it WILL help!  I cannot say it will make your pain go away.....coming to this forum, sharing w/us....posting....but, I've found that it does ease it a bit. And all of us, I think, are happy for even a bit of respite for the sometimes uncontrollable grief that permeates our every waking hours.  Your beloved Crystal was no doubt a wonderful woman.......and you will feel her loss forever, although, given as much time as you require, the intense pain will ease.  Try to hold on to the fact, that in her own words to you, that you gave her joy in her life, every day.  That is NO small gift to be able to give to another soul......you gifted her with that......so be happy for what you gave her.....and try very hard not to regret the "what-ifs".  If I had passed on before my Connor had taken the step of coming to me, in person, I would have left this world happy and content with the sure knowledge that I'd been totally loved by him.  I believe your Crystal would wish you to feel much the same?  Peace/Blessings to you.

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Anthony (Finch), everything you're feeling is the norm (sadly) when it comes to grieving a soul mate. Not that that makes you feel any better, but it is the truth. I too met the love of my life online and my Tammy was the sweetest, most amazing woman I have ever known. I too felt like my life ended on that cold and miserable day of March 6, 2015.  Every day was a struggle and it was a victory just to muster the energy to get out of bed. My tears could have filled buckets. I honestly thought I would not survive and at times, I really didn't want to. It felt as if it was a fate worse than death.

This early in your grief journey, there are no words I can say that will give you any real relief from the pain. Crystal was clearly the woman of your dreams and all you feel now is empty. You're dealing with the added complication of never having had the chance to be with her in person. And you ache for those hugs and kisses that were meant to be but never will be.  I'm so sorry this is all happening.

I encourage you to continue to post here, it will help.  We "get it". 

I also will tell you that I am seeing some light in the darkness that is my grief. I miss my Tammy as much now as I ever have, but I've decided to make some sort of life for myself. And to live in a way that honors who Tammy was. Even though I've been on my grief journey for over thirteen months, I still have moments when I cry so hard I can't even breathe. This hurt never really goes away.  When you love someone as much as I loved Tammy and you loved your Crystal, the deep love translates to deep grief.

You are only 3 months into your grief. Posting here the way you have is a big step. Your story is very heartbreaking to read and my heart goes out to you. I wish you peace in your journey and some measure of comfort along the way.

One day at a time, ok?

Mitch

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Anthony,. Truly sorry for your loss of Crystal.  It is such a hard journey we are all on.  I met my beloved Al on the Internet, also.   We fell in love through the written word.  We were so fortunate that we lived close enough to meet.   We were both widowed and both came out of marriages that were not rewarding.  We were so delighted that we got another chance for true happiness.  I was 61 and Al was 65  when we married and spent the next 15+ years together.  He had lots of medical issues, but we still were so happy.  Know how happy you both made one another, in spite of your complicated togetherness!!

Gin

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Anthony,

Crystal, what a beautiful name.  I didn't meet my husband on line, but through writing (he responded to a letter to the editor I had written & it went from there).  You are doing what you can, seeing a grief counselor, honoring your love and giving place to your grief.  I know you miss everything about her, including those that were part of her life and hearing about them.

I'm glad you came here and posted, it really does help to let it out.

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Anthony,

I also met Rich online through a psoriasis forum. I had never met him in person when I moved from Florida to Pa to be with him. My family thought I was crazy and were so worried about me until they met him. I was 39 and he was 42 at the time. It was one month short of 10 years since the day my girls and I moved here that he died. I'm so sorry you never got to meet Crystal in person.

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Welcome Finch to our family. I too am so sorry for your loss. Your story is heartbreaking yet it speaks so strongly to love.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I want to thank you all very much for your responses and for sharing your own stories. I am sorry for the belated reply. I hope you don't mind if I relay a few more of the thoughts I have had since I last posted here a few weeks ago. I do not feel I can post anywhere else other than this topic at the moment, and it seems like I come here when I am at my lowest ebb. 

I started on some anti-depressants recently, prescribed to me by my doctor, and they had an immediate impact. My thought processes became fuzzier and it was harder to think about things, to ruminate on them, and I even found it harder to physically cry. I didn't like what they did to me, but they did reduce my panic attacks that I have been suffering since Crystal died. However, they are starting to level off now and the despair and what I felt before is returning. I'm sure my doctor will up my dosage as a result, but I feel like a brief window has reopened at the very heart of my grief. It's been 4 months now. I zig zag between feelings of regret and guilt to just missing her and not knowing how I can continue without her.

Today I have been replaying in my head some of the things from her last days. I know this is common, and I know that in the scheme of things, these are minor details, but... it is what it is, and it plagues me. In her last few days, the message I managed to get to her through her friend - that I was 'thinking of her' - I didn't want that to be my last message. I wanted it to be that I loved her. 'Thinking of her' doesn't even begin to do justice to our love. But I was worried about what to tell her friend being that she had no prior knowledge of our relationship and I couldn't tell her to say what I truly wanted to. I didn't want to risk scaring her friend off as she was my only way to get a message to Crystal while she was at home, medicated and surrounded by hospice care, her family and her husband.

I read back through my messages with this friend of hers and I saw I did tell her to also say that 'Finch sends his love'. But she just told Crystal that I was thinking of her. 

I don't assign blame to her friend for this. To her I was a complete stranger and she only had my word that I knew Crystal. But I wanted Crys to know in her last days that my love for her was as strong as it ever had been. I wanted to comfort her with my words if I couldn't physically be there to kiss her. I know she will have known this deep down but I can't stand the thought that this was the last thing she heard from me (indirectly).  

It makes me physically angry that I didn't somehow manage to get a better message to her. If I think logically I know that it was an achievement to get any message to her given the circumstances of our relationship, the fact that noone knew I existed and the speed with which she went downhill so fast.

And the last time I did actually speak to her on the phone, I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me. 

I don't want 11 years of love and friendship to be distilled into these few moments of regrets. But I can't help it.

I know that in reality, she maybe wasn't even lucid enough to understand much of any message. She was highly medicated. And also... it's highly possible her friend said more or less, but either way, I cannot know as I am no longer in contact with her.

I still don't know where she's buried. I still haven't yet contacted her Dad. I'm waiting for the right time. I want to ask him what happened to the box of gifts I sent Crystal at Christmas. She never got round to opening the final few gifts. I have this fear that her husband found them and disposed of them. He must have found them when going through her things after she died. He's probably found all the letters and gifts and everything.

All I can do is check the Facebooks of her friends and family like some weird stalker to get any kind of update... to feel in some way connected to her life still.  I saw that they all did a 5K Colour Run for Crystal... coincidentally on my birthday. I saw picture and video of them all there, together, united, being happy and celebrating her life. But her soulmate was not there.

At least I saw her kids were ok... well, they seemed to be anyway. There is only so much you can tell from a photo or video. That was a big relief for me anyway. I have been so worried about them.

I regularly return to that tree I carved our initials on. I put a flower there every time, against the tree, and I speak to her.

I spend my time trawling through 11 years of our emails and letters. I found one where she told me that if I ever came to the US, I would love Muir Woods in California, and Crater Lake in Oregon. I want to go to these places, for her. But I just wish I had been brave enough to go when she was alive. To go with her. Or to go myself and tell her all about it. 

I'm sorry Crystal.

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I ggogled how to find where someone is buried and got some possibilities...

http://www.wikihow.com/Find-a-Person's-Grave
http://www.findagrave.com/

http://www.findagrave.com/

There are many more websites to check out, since there is not one place where all are listed.

Crater Lake is well worth visiting, the most beautiful water in the world, sometimes deep azure blue, sometimes purple, also interesting with it's Wizard Island, and it's just a fabulous park.

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Dear Finch,

It seems that part of the grieving process is to replay and replay millions of times those last days/hours/words to try to find meaning, warning, or absolution. Many of us here are dealing with the challenge of redefining those memories and the guilt effect they have on us. All I can say is that I work through them with therapy. Because I need my therapist to tell me that those moments cannot define an entire relationship. I need him to say that to me because my boyfriend can't anymore. Somehow in my second year those memories are not hunting me as often as before. 

I wish you can find some answers regarding her grave. I wish you peace.

 

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On 5/2/2016 at 10:23 PM, kayc said:

I ggogled how to find where someone is buried and got some possibilities...

http://www.wikihow.com/Find-a-Person's-Grave
http://www.findagrave.com/

http://www.findagrave.com/

There are many more websites to check out, since there is not one place where all are listed.

Crater Lake is well worth visiting, the most beautiful water in the world, sometimes deep azure blue, sometimes purple, also interesting with it's Wizard Island, and it's just a fabulous park.

Thank you kayc for those links.

I'm sure I will be able to eventually track her down. I have to.

I will make it to Crater Lake one day. I've never flown more than 2 hours but I am determined to do it for her.

 

On 5/3/2016 at 11:40 PM, scba said:

Dear Finch,

It seems that part of the grieving process is to replay and replay millions of times those last days/hours/words to try to find meaning, warning, or absolution. Many of us here are dealing with the challenge of redefining those memories and the guilt effect they have on us. All I can say is that I work through them with therapy. Because I need my therapist to tell me that those moments cannot define an entire relationship. I need him to say that to me because my boyfriend can't anymore. Somehow in my second year those memories are not hunting me as often as before. 

I wish you can find some answers regarding her grave. I wish you peace.

 

Thanks scba.

 

I have been working this through with both my therapists for weeks and months. I am somehow expecting a resolution, to suddenly have a eureka moment where I have solved this puzzle of regret, guilt and grief, and I find myself unable to accept the reality that there is no real solution to the puzzle. I don't want to accept it. I can't accept it. It feels like accepting it would condemn me into an eternal pit of despair with no hope whatsoever. I cling to an imaginary construct that somehow, I wake up from this nightmare, because the thought that this defines my life now is too much to bear. It's too unreal. 

I'm glad that the second year for you is a little less dark.

I sometimes find myself reading other threads in this forum and putting myself in the shoes of the poster, and finding that what they are saying is very reflective of some of the feelings I am experiencing, so much so that I could be saying them myself. For this reason, in my head I just change the names to Crystal and Finch. Not to diminish at all the experiences and pain that people are posting about, but because I deeply relate to them and I need to feel like I am not alone in this, and selfishly, it helps me to do this. I know everyones' grief is their own, and sacred, and I don't like to trespass on it.

 

 

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I'm finding today really tough. I know it's Mothers' Day in the US. And I keep thinking of Crystal's two young kids having to go through it without her. I can't bare the pain they must be going through. And the pain her own parents must be going through. I feel so helpless and frustrated being on the outside of their grief.

 

I spent today visiting my own family, including my 2 year old niece. I can't enjoy my time with her, because it just makes me think of Crystal - I would always tell her how my niece was doing and she'd love to see pictures of her.

 

I'm currently feeling lower than I have felt since I started on the anti-depressants.

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Finch, I was on antidepressants for years and years.  The first ones I was on were from an older generation of drugs that it took at least four weeks to work.  In my own tragic mind they started working instantly.  Many generations of antidepressants later, I find they work different on different people.  My worse reaction was being unable to cry.  It was like water pushing on a dam, I wanted to cry but the tears did not come.  My diagnosis is chronic depression.  Because of an injury to my insides from radiation, I cannot take any of the antidepressants, I can take Xanax.  I have addiction in my family, so I have to be careful, but the antidepressants seemed to put my feelings behind a dam and I could not let them out.  But still, my first antidepressant seemed to help save my life.  Medicine can be a rocky road.  Individual responses vary, some good, some bad.  I wish you luck and am so sorry any of us have to go through this time of grief.  

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Thanks Marg. 

 

I've been on these (Mirtazapine) for about a month and a half. There seemed to be an immediate impact (I also couldn't seem to physically cry, like you) but they have leveled off significantly. I'm so sorry to hear about the chronic depression and the family issues with addiction. I don't know much about Xanax, but I hope you have found the right balance.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm finding this too hard. 

 

The regret that we never met in person is killing me.

 

Our love deserved us to meet, 11 years of love. Now we never can. I wish I had not been so afraid. It seems so silly now. 

 

I'm so scared that if there is an afterlife, because we never met, we will not be able to find each other, and we will stay apart for eternity.

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You will meet.  We will no longer be limited by our physical bodies and minds, I think our knowledge will be complete...it's why I think that George is aware of what is going on with me, it brings me comfort.

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Thanks kayc. I like the thought of a complete knowledge, not restrained by body or mind. I hope Crystal would be as aware of me as George is with you.

I try and apply the logic and physicality of life to what I perceive the afterlife might be like, which I suppose doesn't make sense, because it wouldn't necessarily follow the same or even remotely the same rules. 

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